qtpi

I should be divorced by the year. Have been no contact since May 27. The last two weeks or so have been my happiest. I came to the conclusion that STBXAH does not love me. His actions prove this to me- and I finally finally get it! Somehow this freed me to letting go, realizing I am on my own, and I don't put up with his garbage anymore.

The divorce mediation is looming. To avoid an expensive court battle, my lawyer, his lawyer, STBXAH, and myself sit at a table and hash over the financial items.

I asked my lawyer if I could be teleconferenced in and I can! But a recently divorced friend and another friend told me it will be more intimidating if I am there in person. I haven't decided what I want to do.

Has anyone done this and how did it turn out?

In my fantasy, I show up in person looking great, I am strong and after it's over, I have a great deal of satisfaction in nonverbally saying to him- see... I am doing great without you.

I would like to be able to do that, but I am afraid he will say something that will make me feel terrible- or even seeing him again will make me nauseated and nervous.

I am open to opinion. I plan to think about it more and consider whatever input I get as well as think about what would be best for me.
Right now I am leaning towards the teleconference.

I have to admit... a lot of my motivation is about sending a message to him- and teleconference says I don't want to breathe the same air as you.

On the other hand- it's true. I do not want to be in the same room with him, so why should l I have to?

ladyscribbler

My ex was out of state and attended our custody mediation via teleconference (his new wife was there as well). His lawyer was local and came in person. We were in different rooms and the mediator went back and forth, so I never saw any of them.

Good luck. You're almost there.

LexieCat

I don't think "sending a message" is a great idea to show up if you don't have to. He's not likely to get the message you think you're sending--he didn't before, so why would he suddenly start paying attention? Do you really think your presence would "intimidate" him? Personally, I doubt it.

I vote for doing what will make this less painful for you, as long as it doesn't harm you in the long run. I don't see how appearing by teleconference for something like this could hurt you.

Just my two cents.

maia1234

qtpi,
I get very nervous and intimated by the site of axh. For me, it's best for not to see him. Mine use to give me dirty looks and stare me down. as he never passed 14 years old. If I didnt have to see him, it would definitely make me stronger. Plus if you have notes or something that you wanted to have, he wouldn't see anything.

I vote for conference call.

atalose

I agree with Lexie, sending him the kind of message you fantasize about may not bring you the results you seek. As a matter of fact showing up in person could back fire against you and cause an emotional downward spiral.

Stick to the no contact, it's working for you. No need to change that!! Teleconferencing you won't have to actually be face to face, makes a big difference.

Bekindalways

Hi qtpi, I haven't been in your situation so can't offer any helpful experience.

I love hearing that the past couple of weeks have gone well and you have been happy. One more happy person in this world is a powerful thing.

Zircon

Congratulations! , on almost being there. I filed for divorce from my AH last January, just had a court date November. The court ordered mediation for us as well.
I like the idea of you being teleconferenced into the mediation. Makes a lot of sense. No way your STBXAH can intimidate you!!
I have a domestic violence order in place. Not sure how our mediation will be handled. I'm glad I'm not going to have any contact with my AH.
You are in the home stretch!! It's not easy, but a least you will be able to move on with your life!!
Good Luck! And take care of you!

Z

theuncertainty

Hi, Qtpi. I'd agree that going with the hope to send a message to him isn't likely to have the outcome you hope for. The message won't actually make it through to him. AXH continues to believe he did nothing wrong and his treatment of me was acceptable. No statements or line of questioning changed his mind. He heard absolutely nothing that he didn't want to hear.

I attended because I fully expected to have to talk about the abuse I suffered at his hands in order to protect DS. While it turned out that attending the divorce hearing was one of the hardest things I've done, going allowed me to see that I'm stronger than I thought.

The troglodyte tried to shake my hand with a big smirk on his face after the hearing was done and the divorce finalized. He didn't realize it - and I didn't either at the time - but I was finally free of him.

Berrybean

Hmmmmm. Some codie thinking going on here with all the basing the actions you plan to take around how you want HIM to think and feel. This mediation will work best if at least one of you can go into it with the intention of focussing completely on the aim of the mediation - ie to sort out finances etc. This meeting could have a big impact on your future, so try to stop yourself going off on pointless mental tangents about him.

You ARE doing great without him. He doesn't need to know this (but likely does anyway). But keep reminding yourself.

YOU are doing great.
You ARE doing great.
You are DOING great.
You are doing GREAT.

Yep - any way you look at it, you're doing great without him. You have nothing to prove and can afford to go in there focussed and ready to get a result that really is acceptable and fair to you.

You have been through so much already. You can do this as well.

qtpi

i received a letter from STBXAH a couple months back- saying basically he would forgive me. I think you are right- it won't get through to him.. He seems to believe I left him for no reason whatsoever. Nothing wrong with continuing to drink. Or telling me he resented my happiness. Or refusing to take me to the ER when I had chest pain and was throwing up. or reading my diaries. or tapping my phone. and after all, in his mind he wasn't verbally abusing me- he is just trying to help.

Sunshine1234

I have my mediation coming up and my lawyer said we will be in separate rooms as it works best this way in family law unless we are on amicable terms (far from it). So it will just be me with my attorney and I won't have to see him. Thank god because I was dreading it! He brings me so much anxiety! Have you thought of maybe doing it this way?

qtpi

Thanks Sunshine. I like the idea of having my lawyer sitting right next to me! I am still thinking about exactly what to do. Ultimately I want to do whatever is in my best interest and to have the gumption to do that. If I go into the mediation room with my chin up and I keep balanced emotionally, I will feel really good about myself when I leave- like I am perfectly capable of facing things like an adult. I don't want to be a frightened weenie, but I am a human being and I left an abusive relationship and I don't want to be a scared bunny rabbit. If I make my choice about what to do out of fear- anxiety- lack of courage- will my lack of courage affect the outcome? When I look at everything, I realize it isn't so much about sending him a message- it is because I am frightened of him. An irrational fear- because he can't hurt me now and he can't make me come back- but he can make me feel guilty and inadequate and low and ashamed and... other bad feelings that he used to control me. And after all I have been through and everything I have accomplished in leaving him, I do not want to lose my momentum now. I want to finish strong, and close the door on this chapter of my life-in a way I can feel good about and be proud of.

mylifeismine

" but he can make me feel guilty and inadequate and low and ashamed and.."

No he can't, but you can.
He can also call you a chair, but it doesn't make you one.

FeelingGreat

You're quite a gal qtpi (just worked out your name!) and I always admire your self-esteem under pressure from the whole family. Even if you think you don't have it, you do.