Meraviglioso

I am not drinking and in the moment can say I have no desire to do so but I am afraid. I "slipped" (drank) this summer once and that let to a series of episodes where my sobriety was interrupted and resulted in final plunge into what I would call a full on "relapse"- though not drinking as heavily as I once was and not drinking daily it was slipping fast. Semantics aside, I caught myself, as I really wanted to and have my new sober (and hopefully last) date as the 20th of October. I am satisfied with this progress and feel hopeful. I am suffering what I can now look back and see that I was suffering during my initial successful sober period, serious cognitive issues. I feel constantly groggy, my short term memory has nearly evaporated and I feel I am in a constant state of confusion and incapability of managing my work and general day to day activities. I rely heavily on my calendar to assist me with this but it is not enough. I am not sure how to get through this and am looking for suggestions/tips. As always I will speak clearly with my psychiatrist, I have an appointment scheduled for one week from today. I like being able to go to him for psycho-therapy in addition to having him monitor my medications closely. I am slipping fast and it is scary. I know two things- drinking may temporarily ease these symptoms but it is NOT the long term solution. I do need a short term solution though as I must go forward in my day to day life. Really putting in the effort here folks. Working my plan, going to AA (even when I don't like it), taking my meds, checking in here, waking up every day with the sole goal of just not drinking today. But I need some support. Thanks.

trachemys

Hey Mera. Can you substitute? Urge to drink = walk a mile. The blood flow would help the brain clear.

Dee74

Welcome back Mera

I'm not sure I have anything new to suggest that's not been canvassed before - I think you'd do better in the US for example, but I understand the reasons why you feel that might not be a viable option.

You do seem to do better when you regularly post here than not tho?

Why not commit to that again? Join the Class of October thread - maybe helping others will give an extra dimension that just starting your own threads doesn't?

D

Gottalife

" I feel constantly groggy, my short term memory has nearly evaporated and I feel I am in a constant state of confusion and incapability of managing my work and general day to day activities. I rely heavily on my calendar to assist me with this but it is not enough."

Maybe it is something to do with the meds. Maybe side effects. On the other hand I have been sober a while and suffer a few of these symptoms. I went and had an alzheimers test which didnt show up anything. A diary has never been a help to me. I remember to write stuff in it, and then forget to read it.

I just accept that this is how I am and it doesn't really bother me. I did a lot of damage to myself, chronic alcoholic drinking right through my developmental years, and I am pretty sure there will be a price in health terms. I have noticed that very few people can do what I did and just walk away from it.

And that's OK by me. I remain grateful for today, and all the wonderful days I have been given that I would not otherwise have had.

bemyself

Hey, Mera - sorry to hear you're still in a sticky spot.

Have to hop off to bed now, but I tend to agree with both GL and Dee - could well indeed be the meds (the constant grogginess especially flashed up at me), so try to hang on till you see the psych very soon, to go over dosage etc etc), and as Dee suggested, hang out in some of the group threads for some added company.

Hang in there, luv
x Vic

MidnightRider

Hello - I'm sorry your not feeling good.

I used to really enjoy your thoughtful posts and answers here. I just wanted to say hang in there and hope things get easier for you soon.

Best to you!

Meraviglioso

Thank you everyone for your response and support. I will keep a close eye on the meds, that said I do now in hindsight, recognise this pattern. My life feels chaotic, in a sense, more chaotic than when I was drinking, though that seems impossible. I remember we talked about in rehab this very phenomenon. That for us alcoholics/addicts, drinking and using is, at some level, the "safe path for us." Not the right one, but the one we feel most safe and comfortable on as it is all we have come to know. So this new state of being- whether it be paws related, medication related, an ear infection I have no idea about, or just plain the new reality, needs to take some time to sink in and I have to adjust myself to fit it, not the other way around.
Thanks Dee for the not so subtle reminder that service to others is what we should strive for and helps us more than anything. I am going through a quite selfish phase right now (not just here on SR, but life in general) and am learning to work through that in appropriate ways. Starting here is a good start. I know I blossomed most in my day to day recovery when I became heavily involved in helping this local family of refugees. That does not go without notice to me and is something I plan to get back into on a more active level starting this weekend with a visit (full of donations I have collected) to them at their home and to see their new baby.
While at some level I have recently felt that my words are meaningless and I have little to add while managing my own feelings of failure, thus posting here less frequently in support of others, I have to recognise that a good part of that was selfishness on my part. I already feel so stretched mentally and can barely keep up with/remember to respond to text and SMS messages from family and friends, make my daily appointments, etc. In an attempt to remedy that and "fit it all in" so to speak I have let my contributions on here slip and only shown up to have my own- thus selfish- needs met. Point well taken and appreciated. We can only move forward and make positive changes when we open our eyes to our mistakes and I am not above admitting mine with that sole goal in mind.

As for the month/weekend/daily support threads, as I have said in the past I completely understand why they are so important and the purpose they serve and legitimately yearn for that type of camaraderie, but try as I may I cannot seem to keep up with/get into them (most certainly not for a lack of appreciation and enjoyment of those participating). The fast moving style and pages of catch up leave me feeling lost and I have found other aspects of SR more helpful and rewarding for me. In addition to admitting our own mistakes we must also be willing to admit our own shortcomings. While I won't accept drinking as a shortcoming- now or ever- I will accept the fact that I can't keep up with certain types of threads on an internet forum as shortcoming of mine and make use alternative solutions available to me.

As always, a heartfelt thank you. So glad to be back and active- though I was always here lurking in the corners, both for myself and for each of you.

Meraviglioso

Oh and to add Dee, yes, I think moving to the US would be a great option for me, though for now it remains completely out of the question for a number of reasons.

cardoon

My journey to sobriety occurred over some time. When it finally"took" I had adopted an attitude of mindfulness couplesd with some sort of surrender. I guess I'm trying to say I just felt the feelings and lived real slow and observed what was occurring and tried to just go with the flow and adapt what I did to how I was feeling at the time. It worked out well. Hope you start feeling better real soon.

Dee74

I prefer 'gentle' reminder to 'not so subtle'

Helping others not only helped others, it made me feel good about myself, it helped me feel part of a community with all the benefits that entails...it also got me out of my own head (where I was living almost constantly) and it reminded me that, essentially, I really did know what to do...the thing was making myself do the right things

D

Meraviglioso

There you go again, always having the right words! Yes, "gentle" is much better.
Thanks for this, I needed to hear it today.

doggonecarl

This was the point I was going to make when I saw your initial post, but I see you figured it out. I would just add, any condition that has drinking as the solution--is symptomatic of addiction. And that what you are struggling against.

Stay strong.

entropy1964

Hey Mera

Lots of good advice here. Could be the meds for sure. I have seen one person in my travels that really suffered from the cognitive aspect of PAWS. I think also he is a very smart guy, very self aware. Much like you. So he was just incredibly 'aware' of his deficit. When I would read his writing and his input there was no evidence of impairment (like you) but he really felt it. After continued sobriety he did see much improvement. But it took time and no relapses.

The only other thing I would suggest is making sure your thiamine levels aren't low. Talk with your dr.

Hang in there Mera. I relate to feeling weird posting here when I've been relapsing myself. But selfishly it does help me. If nothing else it keeps me accountable. Typing words of recovery helps reinforce my own commitment!

Meraviglioso

Thanks Frick. No denying that a compliment is always a pleasure but I fear you might have been too generous in yours by comparing me to your smart friend's situation. I don't doubt that is possible. Unfortunately for me it is not just subjective. I have tangible evidence of this in missed appointments, un returned phone calls and messages, scheduling confusion and messes. I just now got off the phone with my boyfriend during which he asked me if I was going to the gym tonight. I said "no, I had my appointment this morning"
I did not go to the gym this morning, that was yesterday, in addition I spent the morning with my boyfriend so speaking to him about this could very well have given those memory muscles such much needed blood but even that failed to save me. In addition why am I not going to the gym today? It is something I enjoy and try to do 5-6 times a week, how and why did today get skipped?

I am not going to let this terrorise me. I am also not going allow it to give me an excuse to drink. But support is greatly appreciated as are stories of similar experiences.

Anna

Mera, I'm sorry you're struggling. First, let me say I rely on post-it notes and my google diary which I check every day. If there is something really important to remember, I leave a post-it note by the front door so I see it if I'm going out. I know it's frustrating to not remember things, but hopefully you can find a tool that works for you.

Second, I wonder if you're depressed? Skipping the gym when it's something you enjoy makes me wonder. Also, I know when I feel depression looming, my short-term memory is more affected.

I understand how you feel about the daily support threads. They can be overwhelming if you are trying to catch up. In the past you have started your own thread and posted when you wanted to and I think you always got lots of good advice. Don't underestimate the power of SR and all the wonderful people here. And, a bonus is, you can be of service here, too.

Meraviglioso

Thank you for these handy tips, I hadn't thought of post -it notes, I will try that. I will also look into a google calendar, actually have been meaning to as a way to streamline my schedule with my children's partner and have the additional added benefit of enforcing our personal boundary/privacy issues as they relate to his current romantic relationship and the amount of time I take up calling him/depending on him. Again, thank you. Solid, manageable, real tips.

Interesting. I haven't ruled out depression and although I am generally feeling cheerier it is definitely worth talking to my doctor about and thinking on that more. Will do.


Thanks for understanding. I worried that my lack of participation could be seen as snobby or exclusive in some way (though in no way did Dee or anyone else indicate that) but I just can't get into them as much as the idea appeals to me. They do seem like such fun and such a useful tool, but honestly, they don't "fit" me, or I don't fit" them, whatever the case, I can't seem to fall in line there. As I said I won't accept failure in sobriety but I can learn to accept that I fail at other things- such as this- and use my energy where it serves me better.

MLD51

I was going to mention depression as a possibility also. When I was chronically depressed, my mind just wasn't as sharp. I felt foggy and disconnected a lot of the time, and would forget important things. This was BEFORE I really drank much - in my mid 20's. It was like my brain was on partial shut-down. There were other things going on in my life that weren't so great at the time, but I do really believe a big part of it was the depression.

saoutchik

Hi Meraviglioso, just to add my two cents worth, you are still fairly early in recovery so I reckon you can reasonably expect that things will improve on the memory front.

Others have mentioned things like post-it notes, I find that the act of writing something down often helps me to embed the thing I am writing about in my memory

Meraviglioso

Two things just turned over for me, thank you for nudging me along through this. One, very importantly, I was behaving alcoholically, even if not actively drinking, but lying by way of omitting important pieces of the truth. I did so as a means to protect my ego and not admit even more failure. But this is an addictions forum right, certainly I can post about this here if anywhere! I have currently decided to take on quitting smoking as a serious undertaking. Primarily for my health, but also for my wallet, for my looks, for my kids, and for my boyfriend. Before I entered rehab I was smoking about 10 cigarettes per day, in rehab that immediately jumped to a pack a day. I then returned home and after a week was hospitalised with pneumonia. During my hospital stay and for about a month after returning home I stayed smoke free but then picked it backup again, nearly immediately returning to my rehab habit of a pack a day. I have had enough, my body and my mind down't want this anymore. About 10 days ago I quit, surprisingly easy, for one solid week. After one week I decided to have a few cigarettes as a way of dealing with stress. The next day I quit again. It has gone back and forth like this for the past few days. One day smoking, one not.
I wonder if the quitting smoking or the smoking as a bit has something to do with these cognitive problems? I can say I felt really much, much better while smoke free- even after just one day. Does anyone have experiences to share related to that.

Secondly, part of me wanting to quit smoking is for my boyfriend. He really doesn't like it. I would dare say he finds it more of an issue for our relationship than my drinking, which opens up a whole 'nother can of worms, but tonight is not for psychologically dissecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I initially did not tell him that I quit but casually brought it up to him at about the week mark. He was thrilled and said that he noticed a huge difference in my skin and gushed how proud of me he was and how much he appreciated it. He said nice things like "you know it wasn't something I would break our relationship over, but I really appreciate you putting in the effort for this not only for your health but also for me, the smoking really bothered me."
I am now reliving that self-built cage of hellacious guilt due to dishonesty. I feel paranoid, guilty, anxious and yes, guilty by the fact that I am lying by way of omission. He has not outright asked me if I have smoked but I haven't mentioned it to him either and living out this lie is burning me up inside. We're not talking life or death stuff here (ok, ok, giving that tobacco use is one of the top killer out there maybe we are) but the fact that I am not being the person I want to be-two qualities being honest and a non-smoker- and the fact that I am not living with integrity are gnawing away at me. Which could be causing depression....

Thanks for your patience while I work through this. I think those that know me know that I have kind of a wordy style that takes herself around in circles but always with the hope of leading myself somewhere. All your posts along the way help me get there.

Anna

Mera, take a moment and give yourself a hug. You're getting to where you want to be. It's a journey, but you'll get there, and stop drinking and smoking. Be kind to yourself.