knowthetriggers

I guess me "playing victim" was mostly internal as he told me that he can see I am not supporting him any longer.

Maybe it's because I am not "falling apart" this time with the "what will we do now?" and all my crying, etc. Nope, I have not done that, it's a waste of energy. I have myself and my girls to look after. He can choose to be a part of our family unit or he can choose to leave. And yes, I told him that.

My response to him about not caring was pretty simple: It's not true, I do support you but I will no longer support your bad decisions (I didn't think I did anyway but I guess I did). I will only support decisions you make that will help you get better and that will help our family heal. If I have to be a "single parent" with two parents in the house then it's not worth it. Let's face it - I have been a "single parent" in this relationship for a really long time. We had a small glimpse of what it's like to work together as a team and I really liked that. I don't want to be roommates. The extra hand around the house is nice and all but I need you and the children need you to be there for us, not just be "there".......

He really didn't have much to say after that. Guess it will take a minute to sink in. Do I want him to leave? No, I love him BUT I am tired and it's not fair to me or the children to continue living with someone who does not want to help better himself....

I can't remember if I mentioned that the day after he was fired he had surgery on his shoulder. The surgeon told me he would be in some serious pain and I can see that he is, he is hurting badly. He has pain killers but I think he only uses them to kill the internal "pain" and not the real pain of the surgery. Just my gut feeling.

Well I just wanted to share. I have dusted off my Alanon books and started reading them each morning. I have found all the prayers that worked so well for me in the past. That old saying is true, "it works if you work it"!

Maudcat

Al-Anon is good! You sound good, too. Keep it going!

Bekindalways

It sounds like you are in a good albeit super challenging place right now.

Let us know how you do.

Kw0920

Good for you...stay strong! Work on you...and let the rest fall where it may. I am in the very same situation...my AH is working hard at sobriety...and we are not living together...as i decided the cycle stops now! I am proud of him...i love him...but i am working on myself too...focusing on my healing and making a happy home for our kids...exhausted...mentally...physically but know this is the only way to end the cycle of addiction/codependency.....CHANGE is good...he doesnt see the seperation as a good thing..hes respecting it (most of the time) but it hurts him way more this time as im not the same person i have been in the past....
So bravo to you for making a decision to change... hugs

Zenial

Thanks for sharing! I know how you feel - couldn't have said it better.

timetohealguy

Hi knowthetriggers,

Your words below are so well thought out and so heartfelt. When I read them they captured so many of the things I wanted to say to my ex but I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't put them into words at the time ...


I love the way you put that. It is all about family first, exactly as it should be.


When my ex got sober, I had a glimpse of working together as a team too. It was a glimpse of what I had always wanted our relationship to be like. That period of sobriety only lasted a few months, but it was the happiest I had been in a long long time.

A few months into her sobriety, she relapsed, and she has not been the same since that relapse. Everything is apparently my fault of course.


Oh my. I started typing a reply to that part, then it got longer and longer, so I put it in it's own thread ...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-drinking.html

knowthetriggers

timetohealguy - thank you. Honestly I have been thinking about these words for a while, I could never quite put them together as I knew when I did it would be difficult. It wasn't as difficult so that tells me I was READY to speak the words.

This has been a very long journey for me and us as a family. And we have a long road of recovery ahead of us. He will have to chose to join us in that recovery or walk a darker path. At this point all I can do is pray and be there for my girls as they need stability in their lives.

(((HUGS))) to you my friend. Addiction bites and I hate how it kills the family unit.

timetohealguy

Hi knowthetriggers,

Thanks to you for sharing.

This sentence of yours is amazing ...

"I will only support decisions you make that will help you get better and that will help our family heal."

I wish I had said that to my ex at the time we were going through what we did.

Yes it definitely can.

I offered everything to my ex she needed to get sober, for years. Even after she ended our relationship in a rage, I still offered her compassion and an open door to reconciliation if she got sober. Some people will just not accept they have problem and are blind to what their drinking does to their family.

Unfortunately, I've had to go no contact with my ex now after this ...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ort-today.html