Don't know what to do

Old 11-09-2016, 12:49 PM
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Don't know what to do

Hello I'm new to this forum. My brother is a coke addict and just won't stop taking the stuff. I have tried everything to help him but nothing is working. He is in a recovery programme who only see him every two weeks. The situation is absolutely killing my mom and dad and I'm struggling to keep things together. Can anyone offer any supportive advice please
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Old 11-09-2016, 12:58 PM
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Welcome 498k - So sorry for what brings you here. My husband is a heroin addict, not coke, but I am sure only those details in our stories are different. The resulting pain and trauma are the same.

Are you receiving treatment or seeking support for yourself? Reaching out here is a huge first step, so good job with that! I have a feeling you will get a lot of support here. But, I would first and foremost recommend reaching out for support face to face. I promise, coming from an introvert, it is not as scary as it sounds. The resulting peace, hope, and support you get from surrounding yourself with others who get it is irreplaceable. I would seriously suggest NarAnon or AlAnon, or reach out to your church or a local church. Those are two places that were crucial in my care.

Keep posting here, and remember, you are not alone.
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Old 11-09-2016, 01:17 PM
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Thank you for your post. I haven't really thought about support for myself. I just constantly feel like I have to keep it together for everyone else. I manage to hold it together at work then deal with the coke situation after work then go home and try to deal with it myself. I see he's addiction as an illness as where my parents see him as selfish it doesn't mean I agree with the addiction but I understand that he can't stop himself from taking the stuff. I wish there was better help out there for him.
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Old 11-09-2016, 02:09 PM
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there is a TON of help available.........but see he'd have to be the one, taking the time to sit at the computer and research, or pick up the phone and make calls, or go to the DR and ask for help. right now he's caught in coke's wickedly addictive snare. it's tough to break free, but it is done all the time, otherwise you'd never hear of a former coke head, or in my case, crack head.

i'm glad Hope mentioned support for YOU, it sounds like you forgot that you too need help. SR can't offer you the magic formula that will fix your AB (addict brother) but we can offer support while you work thru being the loved one OF an addict!
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Old 11-10-2016, 03:49 AM
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Thanks for the reply. I know he's got to do it himself it's just very hard to watch it happen and watch my family crumble he has a 4 month old daughter now and I was holding out hope that she would be enough to make him see the light.

Do you mind me asking your story and what your turning point was .??
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Old 11-10-2016, 12:38 PM
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sadly, babies don't cure addiction. having the responsibility of a child often sends addicts into a tailspin. and no one actively using coke should be around children....and should NEVER EVER be left alone to care for them.

way back in the day, the '80s when coke was rampant and basing was just really becoming a thing, we used to take our baby WITH us to our dealer's house and get high. now it wasn't your basic dope house, they lived in a nice condo, he and my husband knew each other thru work, and my child was off in the living room while we were in the kitchen.

but still.............WTF was i thinking??? but see, i wasn't ADDICTED back then, just a frequent flyer. and didn't do coke for a long long time after that when i quit.

wasn't til about 14 years ago when i was "introduced" to crack cocaine that the monster known as addiction bit me. after three months of casual only on the weekends using, i was hooked. and then spent an awful 4.5 years after that getting more addicted while all the time wanting to stop. it got worse before it got better. it's quite a journey for "god i have to stop this" to 'NEVER AGAIN!".

but i'll tell you this, no one MADE me stop. no one intervened. my partner also used, and he had been at it a lot longer than i. i was able to quit well before he was finally ready to pry the pipe loose. and nothing i did MADE him quit either. we also didn't have enablers or caretakers or others to support us. it was sink or swim.

being in your AB's face all the time about his drug use isn't helping.....in fact, it's normalizing it to a degree.....how was your day? oh you know, did a gram and a half, and you?
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Old 11-10-2016, 02:47 PM
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Can I ask you both a question?
Sorry to hear about your brother. How long has you suspected him of doing it?
Do either of you know how much this habit could cost?
My husband has been doing it the past two years, it's only this year I caught him a few times with it on him.... We both make good money so we only had a joint account we contributed to for bills... It went ok till he started shorting me the past few months. I asked him for a copy of his pay stub, here he stopped contributing to his 401k. He told me he rarely used it and never bought it... Why would he lie when he just got arrested for a DUI and they found it on him... So cats out of the bag, no need to lie now... Just makes things worse.
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Old 11-10-2016, 02:54 PM
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why would he lie? well, if you were funneling money away from the joint household fund for let's say gambling or a shopping addiction, and you even went so far as to stop contributing to your retirement so you could have MORE money to spend, would YOU voluntarily tell your husband? NO.

he's protecting his addiction. he has made his addiction his PRIORITY. and he will defend it to the death. and lie about it. rationalize, justify, minimize. to get a good sense of the addict mind, find the NA Basic Text online or at a bookstore or 12th step shop and read it.

there is no specific "entry fee" for addiction.....everyone's habit is different, their dealers or connections are different, so there is no way to measure. one could easily spend $100 a day.........or every few days. some more, some less.
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Old 11-10-2016, 07:35 PM
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Can anyone offer any supportive advice please
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry about what has brought you here, but thankful you found us and took the step to post.

One of the things all of us here in our little corner of SR have had to learn is when it comes to a loved one's addiction, we are powerless. Love does not matter. Understanding does not matter. Support does not matter. There is nothing you or your parents can do to get your brother to snap out of it. The only way he will is when he, and he alone, decides enough is enough, goes to treatment, and does the necessary and difficult work to remain clean.

Your parents will have to come to this realization on their own schedule. It is a difficult thing, watching your child self destruct in front of your eyes. Some difficult decisions are going to be at their doorstep. For now, however, focus on you. Coming here is a good first step. Read our stories, absorb the lessons from those stories, and see how you can apply them to your situation.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 11-14-2016, 04:21 PM
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Hello 498k, wanted to add my two cents.

My sister is not a coke addict, but she's been on marijuana/alcohol ever since she was a teen. That was thirty years ago.

She has two daughters - they're watching this whole thing go down and I have no idea what is going through their heads. They weren't enough (NOBODY'S enough) to stop my sister from throwing her marriage down the toilet and get involved with another man who is also addicted to pot.

You need to take care of yourself - easier said than done, eh? I've spent a long time as the family fixer-upper. It is a role that is not sustainable in the long run. I used to serve as referee - all that accomplished was a higher sense of entitlement on my sister's part to continue her downward spiral.

I spent a lot of time getting very angry about the lies that she told me to get me on her side. There was a crazy bit of time where I was even thinking about hiring a Private Investigator to catch her in her lies, but then I realized that was utterly pointless. She would still be stuck. She still wouldn't listen.

Many people here have been emphasizing that you need to take care of yourself, and that is absolutely true! Please don't turn out like me, stewing in anger and all that other ugly stuff, because you've invested your time and love trying to save somebody who, at the moment, doesn't want to be saved. Because you will pay the price for that.

I like to use this analogy - your brother is in the ocean and he's drowning. You throw in a life preserver after life preserver and he isn't taking it. You love him so much that you go into the ocean yourself and try to put preserver around him but he shakes it off. You try time and time again and he refuses to take the ring. Selfishness isn't the primary motivator - he's so sick that he most likely can't even make sense of what he's doing. But regardless of the reason, he's pushing the life ring away and taking you with him. After a while, you have to get out of the ocean. You have to take care of yourself, or else you're going to be as lost as he is.

As to the infamous "turning point"? In the end, that is something that will be determined by him and him alone.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
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