Date tommorow (please advice, encoragement)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 29
Date tommorow (please advice, encoragement)
I'm very early at recovery (about 20 days- and before I was never every day drinker but I was "in every new social situation" and "self medication for anxiety" drinker so....
Tommorow evening I have a date with that guy. (we met on the social network group) and he is a native speaker for the language that I want to learn, but he speaks my mother language as well, it's not a romantic date but I feel incredible anxious even now and my first thought is "alcohol could help me....just a glass of wine will kill the anxiety". I know if I had that drink I can drink in moderation and wont end up black out drunk or unconscious but that's not the case....I will keep using alcohol to give me comfort....and I'm scared to death of uncomfortable social situations...I'm afraid that suddenly I will get depresive, or will have a panic attack or may be feel unadequate....or that I will feel ugly and my unsecureties would make me feel alwul. May be I will just freeze and wont be able to talk, or I will give a bad impresion....I will not be beautiful, funny and smart enough..I know alcohol can't give me that qualities but what it gaves me is a sence of comfort and higher self esteem, also numb my anxiety and makes me to be more open and to Express myself (witch is my biggest problem for life)
Of course I don't want to drink, of course I could cancel the date, but I'll keep hiding from life and people all my life.
But what to do to feel comfortable in my own skin I don't know. I don't want to look like a mess...
Tommorow evening I have a date with that guy. (we met on the social network group) and he is a native speaker for the language that I want to learn, but he speaks my mother language as well, it's not a romantic date but I feel incredible anxious even now and my first thought is "alcohol could help me....just a glass of wine will kill the anxiety". I know if I had that drink I can drink in moderation and wont end up black out drunk or unconscious but that's not the case....I will keep using alcohol to give me comfort....and I'm scared to death of uncomfortable social situations...I'm afraid that suddenly I will get depresive, or will have a panic attack or may be feel unadequate....or that I will feel ugly and my unsecureties would make me feel alwul. May be I will just freeze and wont be able to talk, or I will give a bad impresion....I will not be beautiful, funny and smart enough..I know alcohol can't give me that qualities but what it gaves me is a sence of comfort and higher self esteem, also numb my anxiety and makes me to be more open and to Express myself (witch is my biggest problem for life)
Of course I don't want to drink, of course I could cancel the date, but I'll keep hiding from life and people all my life.
But what to do to feel comfortable in my own skin I don't know. I don't want to look like a mess...
F*** the Zero
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: London
Posts: 410
you can get everything that alcohol gives you from yourself. just that its hard work and not instant.
you have to do the things that make you anxious. sober, in order to learn that these things are ok and not as bad as youre making them out to be. the more you do them the easier they become and less anxious you will be in the future,
alcohol is a crutch. try to walk for yourself before you forget how to completely.
all the best. relax and enjoy yourself
you have to do the things that make you anxious. sober, in order to learn that these things are ok and not as bad as youre making them out to be. the more you do them the easier they become and less anxious you will be in the future,
alcohol is a crutch. try to walk for yourself before you forget how to completely.
all the best. relax and enjoy yourself
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
You don't have to be beautiful enough, smart enough, funny enough. Just breathe and be you. My friend who dates says that she no longer looks at a date as a potential partner, but as a potential friend. Peace.
The road goes on forever
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 1,107
Just be YOURSELF!
Remember you ARE smart, pretty and funny enough.
Let the real and honest you shine through.
Think how going on this date completely sober ..How very empowering it will be!
Remember you ARE smart, pretty and funny enough.
Let the real and honest you shine through.
Think how going on this date completely sober ..How very empowering it will be!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
You are perfectly fine and presentable as you are. We all are. We are all insecure human beings under the skin. You have every right to be out with that guy.
Nervousness need not be incapacitating. It is OK to smile and say, "Please bear with me. I tend to be nervous when out in new social situations."
That says all you need to say. It is a very universal human thing; he will understand and make an effort to put you at ease.
Once you've broken the ice, then just focus strictly on him and what he is saying. Push self-conscious thoughts immediately out of your mind; focus on the words of the conversation. Then you can respond to them and even follow up with questions or opinions of your own.
If something strikes you funny, it probably is. So laugh. If it turns out not to be a joke, just say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I misunderstood."
Then move right on. You have already said that you're nervous in new social situations.
Do your best to smile as often as possible.
Everybody is at ease with a friendly smile.
Don't overthink.
Pay attention to the words of the conversation and don't let your mind wander. You can keep it simple: nod if you agree, laugh if it's funny, or comment. If you have a question, ask.
Don't spend a second-guessing yourself. A misstep is not a catastrophe; just say, "Sorry!" and smile.
Hopefully within a few minutes the ice will be broken and the conversation will develop its own momentum. Then it will be much easier to relax.
Nervousness need not be incapacitating. It is OK to smile and say, "Please bear with me. I tend to be nervous when out in new social situations."
That says all you need to say. It is a very universal human thing; he will understand and make an effort to put you at ease.
Once you've broken the ice, then just focus strictly on him and what he is saying. Push self-conscious thoughts immediately out of your mind; focus on the words of the conversation. Then you can respond to them and even follow up with questions or opinions of your own.
If something strikes you funny, it probably is. So laugh. If it turns out not to be a joke, just say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I misunderstood."
Then move right on. You have already said that you're nervous in new social situations.
Do your best to smile as often as possible.
Everybody is at ease with a friendly smile.
Don't overthink.
Pay attention to the words of the conversation and don't let your mind wander. You can keep it simple: nod if you agree, laugh if it's funny, or comment. If you have a question, ask.
Don't spend a second-guessing yourself. A misstep is not a catastrophe; just say, "Sorry!" and smile.
Hopefully within a few minutes the ice will be broken and the conversation will develop its own momentum. Then it will be much easier to relax.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
You said this isn't a romantic date, I would think that will help you be more a ease right there. Tell yourself that. Relax and just be yourself. Try not to worry about it; what good does worrying do? Tell yourself this is an opportunity to prove you can do new things sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by August252015 
Why are you going on the date - now? It sounds like a whole lot to take on at 20 days. Is being sober your main priority?
The thing is I have absolutelly no problem staying sober when there is no social interacton ivolved... I never drunk alone, always before going out somewhere... The thing is I can be sober, yes, but if I keep hiding I will never face the reason why I started in a first place 10 years ago...It was because I couldn't talk to people at all. I'm better now for sure, but still struggle with anxiety, insecurities and moodiness. I'm also an avoidant. I think I can keep hiding and be a hermit forever but at the same time I want a connection, I want to feel like a normal human being, I'm only 25 and have no one to hang out with. All my friends in the past was just a company for drinking.
For sure I'm not ready for a romantic relationship, I just want to start comunicating with people and to stop feeling so socialy awkward all the time. It is a prison that I put myself into many years ago....to think that I don't matter, I'm not interesting enough and whatever I want to say no one will listen and I''m boring and stupid.
I love to spend time alone but at the same time I have that craving for comunication and connection.
Anyway....he canceled the date for the weekend, I decided to give myself not more then 2 hours and then to say I have work to do... if I'm not feeling comfortable I can always excuse myself and leave....
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Before you do go, rehearse, "Hi. It's nice to meet you. Thanks for coming."
Gratitude is always warmly accepted.
Is it all social interaction that unnerves you? Would it be easier to meet up with a girl and talk? Would that reduce pressure?
Gratitude is always warmly accepted.
Is it all social interaction that unnerves you? Would it be easier to meet up with a girl and talk? Would that reduce pressure?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
How fluent are you in the language that the date will be in? That could be a double edged sword. For me, it would be more difficult to feel smart or funny in a second language. However, the language barrier would likely excuse almost all social awkwardness when it comes to the actual conversation.
I think it is awesome that you are willing to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation to work through the fear. Good for you.
As far as a social interaction goes though, it seems like you have picked a difficult one. You are meeting someone one-on-one who is of the opposite sex, that you don't know well and speaking his native language. That will come with a natural level of anxiety and tension.
As far as romance is concerned I don't see how you can say it isn't a romantic date until you have met the guy. You tell yourself that you aren't ready for a romantic relationship, but I would say that attraction isn't a choice. If the guy turns out to be Prince Charming the sparks are going to start flying. In the moment, do you think you will really be able to resist that attraction because you don't think you are ready for a relationship?
I think it is awesome that you are willing to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation to work through the fear. Good for you.
As far as a social interaction goes though, it seems like you have picked a difficult one. You are meeting someone one-on-one who is of the opposite sex, that you don't know well and speaking his native language. That will come with a natural level of anxiety and tension.
As far as romance is concerned I don't see how you can say it isn't a romantic date until you have met the guy. You tell yourself that you aren't ready for a romantic relationship, but I would say that attraction isn't a choice. If the guy turns out to be Prince Charming the sparks are going to start flying. In the moment, do you think you will really be able to resist that attraction because you don't think you are ready for a relationship?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Gilmer
You are perfectly fine and presentable as you are. We all are. We are all insecure human beings under the skin. You have every right to be out with that guy.
Nervousness need not be incapacitating. It is OK to smile and say, "Please bear with me. I tend to be nervous when out in new social situations."
That says all you need to say. It is a very universal human thing; he will understand and make an effort to put you at ease.
Once you've broken the ice, then just focus strictly on him and what he is saying. Push self-conscious thoughts immediately out of your mind; focus on the words of the conversation. Then you can respond to them and even follow up with questions or opinions of your own.
If something strikes you funny, it probably is. So laugh. If it turns out not to be a joke, just say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I misunderstood."
Then move right on. You have already said that you're nervous in new social situations.
Do your best to smile as often as possible.
Everybody is at ease with a friendly smile.
Don't overthink.
Pay attention to the words of the conversation and don't let your mind wander. You can keep it simple: nod if you agree, laugh if it's funny, or comment. If you have a question, ask.
Don't spend a second-guessing yourself. A misstep is not a catastrophe; just say, "Sorry!" and smile.
Hopefully within a few minutes the ice will be broken and the conversation will develop its own momentum. Then it will be much easier to relax.
Nervousness need not be incapacitating. It is OK to smile and say, "Please bear with me. I tend to be nervous when out in new social situations."
That says all you need to say. It is a very universal human thing; he will understand and make an effort to put you at ease.
Once you've broken the ice, then just focus strictly on him and what he is saying. Push self-conscious thoughts immediately out of your mind; focus on the words of the conversation. Then you can respond to them and even follow up with questions or opinions of your own.
If something strikes you funny, it probably is. So laugh. If it turns out not to be a joke, just say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I misunderstood."
Then move right on. You have already said that you're nervous in new social situations.
Do your best to smile as often as possible.
Everybody is at ease with a friendly smile.
Don't overthink.
Pay attention to the words of the conversation and don't let your mind wander. You can keep it simple: nod if you agree, laugh if it's funny, or comment. If you have a question, ask.
Don't spend a second-guessing yourself. A misstep is not a catastrophe; just say, "Sorry!" and smile.
Hopefully within a few minutes the ice will be broken and the conversation will develop its own momentum. Then it will be much easier to relax.
This is a really great post, read it over and over again as you prepare. I try to install this in my young children in various situations, putting words to their feelings as well. For example, a case like a first introduction when they might hide or not always come out of the gates strong "are you feeling shy? It's ok to feel shy sometimes. Meeting new people often invokes those feelings." Things like that and then trying to help them walk through the situation as a guide. Unfortunately as adults we don't always have someone there with us on the spot to guide us through these treacherous waters/annoying details of adulting so we have to prepare and go into potential situations with a plan of action and large doses of courage.
We can help you with the courage by engaging in an online pep rally on your behalf- you can DO this!
We can also help you with a plan by listing things we think should be on there. But tonight it will be you and only you walking through those doors. For me, not drinking under any circumstances, should be number one on your plan list. Secondly, thirdly and fourthly I would put in some of these fantastic tips from Glimer. Have an escape if you find yourself wavering or craving or having thoughts of drinking that you fear you won't be able to control (for the record, you CAN control them) What will you say to immediately stop the date? Where will you go? Are you meeting there, will he need to bring your somewhere, will you need to call a cab (have the number handy- that's part of making a plan)? Think through this escape route even if you see it as a last resort. Play the tape through. Oh sure, one glass might "take the edge off" but for you, just like any other alcoholic drinker, it is not enough. Fast forward through to the part where you get sloppy, slur your words, can't speak the new language much less your own, cry, get bloated, act out, put yourself and others in danger, spend too much money, wake up hungover. It wasn't the last glass that gave you all that hell to pay, it was the first one.Here, in your corner. Stand stall, stay convicted to your determination to not drink and be proud of yourself for that and for all the other marvellous things that you surely are. You GOT this!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Some anxiety is rooted in fear. So, it's possible what you are really going to face here are some of your fears, but right now, it's fear over something that hasn't even happened yet. And, since you've identified that one reason you drink is because of anxiety: addressing this issue (fear, worry, anxiety, feeling awkward,etc.) you are going to have to "face the music" at some point as part of sobriety. All the reasons we drank need to be faced and worked through. At 20 days sober, you are still really early on. I don't want you to second guess yourself, but if this is going to be too difficult, maybe you should reconsider going out on a date at this time. If you decide to keep the date, there are so many pointers that have been given here and would be real helpful. Overcoming social awkwardness is hard for those who are socially awkward. You've sort of indicated, however, that it is something you'd like to overcome. It can be done, proceed with caution. Okay, maybe I've just raised you're anxiety a bit, by saying that. Sorry if that's the case. I do think that in early sobriety a person needs to not be too stressed out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 29
It was too early for me... I admit that..
I relapsed and I had a drink before...He was not a drinker, at the date we were not drink any alcohol...
It was great time we've had together, but the thing is now I feel like ****. Like...he was perfect...hadsome, smart and funny, I felt good around him but...still...knowing my past ant the battles that I fight almost everyday...I liked him a lot, that is probably a problem, an the fackt that I drunk before the date...
I will not exuse myself..I will just think about another plan to recovery and will probably isolate myself from the world for some time until I found my center and to become more of the person I want to be...
I'm not very upset of this repalse because I actually had a great time...I just wanted to be sober, and feel that way...
I will not justify or exucese myself, It is all part of the lesson I have to learn...
I think I have to be more dedicated to recovery....and I still find excuses not to...
But I have to... or I will never be truly happy...
Starting with a new plan tommorow....
I'm disappointed from my self but I will not take a self hate road as usually...
I'll just go to sleep now and start again tomorrow...but I have a lot of stuff to think about now..Maybe I need another strategy and paln, and also I need to take more care for myself...
To be honest isolation is not that bad for a while...
I relapsed and I had a drink before...He was not a drinker, at the date we were not drink any alcohol...
It was great time we've had together, but the thing is now I feel like ****. Like...he was perfect...hadsome, smart and funny, I felt good around him but...still...knowing my past ant the battles that I fight almost everyday...I liked him a lot, that is probably a problem, an the fackt that I drunk before the date...
I will not exuse myself..I will just think about another plan to recovery and will probably isolate myself from the world for some time until I found my center and to become more of the person I want to be...
I'm not very upset of this repalse because I actually had a great time...I just wanted to be sober, and feel that way...
I will not justify or exucese myself, It is all part of the lesson I have to learn...
I think I have to be more dedicated to recovery....and I still find excuses not to...
But I have to... or I will never be truly happy...
Starting with a new plan tommorow....
I'm disappointed from my self but I will not take a self hate road as usually...
I'll just go to sleep now and start again tomorrow...but I have a lot of stuff to think about now..Maybe I need another strategy and paln, and also I need to take more care for myself...
To be honest isolation is not that bad for a while...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I am sorry to hear that you drank. It sounds like you have recognized that certain activities might be too soon for you. There are excuses and explanations and sometimes they are different. For example, there is no good excuse to drink but in this case you can explain why you did- you were nervous, you were trying to ease the anxiety, you wanted to feel more beautiful, smart, whatever. So take that explanation and use it for future events when it pops up again. You can see where you might be headed down a similar road with a similar outcome and avoid it. Get back at it.
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