hearthealth

So are double standards typical for alcoholics? The other day there was a can of beer in the master bathroom. When I questioned him about it I got a matter of fact, " I had to clip toenails." It didn't make any sense. I wouldn' think of trimming nails with a six pack in me. (Not that I have had a six pack in me.) Now if I even have a glass of water upstairs I'll have it dumped out by him. His standards. There is no food or drink allowed upstairs. If I bring up something that bothers me I'm to accept it, not converse or it will be deemed as pissy no matter my tone. Though if something bothers him, we can get scolded or have those non respectful looks and that's ok for him. He left for an out of town job site and he didn't bring his three blood pressure medication. Last time he forgot his medication he was mad that the out of town pharmacy charged him more. So I don't know if he'll even get them refilled and I'm worried about it. Is this a control issue typical for alcohol or is it an abuse issue? Ever sense the broken plate issue, where I wouldn't accept blame from him, he hasn't been violent but that just makes him tolerable.

thousandwords53

Double standards are a way of life for selfish people and addicts.

SparkleKitty

Yes, this is a control issue. This would not be acceptable behavior to me.

Please let HIM worry about his blood pressure medication. You have enough on your plate.

AnvilheadII

it isn't even a double standard.....it's HIS way, and nobody else counts.

i think this one statement is so telling about what you are really dealing with here:

There is no food or drink allowed upstairs

that sounds like a rule for small children.....or a rule set by a dictator.

are you worried about HIS medication because of how he might respond when he gets home, or because he was a bone head and couldn't remember his own meds? i think you have been so conditioned and brainwashed, that you really can't see the BIG picture and how just plain wrong the whole situation is.....and how much control you have handed over in order to keep the peace.

are you still in touch with the DV group? are you still actively seeking support - besides SR? please take careful steps and always remember you are dealing with a dangerous man.

Maudcat

It sounds like a control issue to me, which may or may not be tied to his drinking. Did you know him before he drank? Was he like that then? Controlling people are tough, drinkers or not. I have a relative by marriage who entered into a relationship with an OCD guy. They do okay, married now, but she really had to stand her ground on things, some of them quite inconsequential imo, like hanging up her coat immediately upon getting home instead of draping it over the banister for a few minutes while she changed. She was a little toughie, though., and wouldn't give in to his issues. Don't know if that can work for everyone, but it did for her. Peace.

LexieCat

This is an abuse issue, not an alcoholism issue. Your average alcoholic wouldn't have the energy to be setting/enforcing all those rules.

Hangnbyathread

Very common yes.

And yes it's about control as well as keeping you on eggshells.

hearthealth

I didn't see the big picture until recently. He was so nice before we married. I lived by minimizing and not feeling by surpressing. I have been going to codependent group, and alanon. I will contact DV if there's another incident. I'm was hoping he would change but I see he has no reason to change. He doesn't understand why me not wanting to go in my hours has any connection to how me and the children are treated.

LexieCat

Oh, I think he understands quite well what kind of effect this has on you. It's part of the plan, not just a collateral consequence of something he is doing without thinking. The point is, he WANTS you to see how "powerful" he is. And that things WILL go his way, or you'll pay the price. He may SAY he doesn't understand why you're upset, but he does. It's just that he doesn't CARE.

That's pretty much the essence of abuse. That he will say, "Jump," and your response is supposed to be, "How high?" Of course, even that might get you in trouble, because you should KNOW how high, without having to ask.

Ugh.

AnvilheadII

I will contact DV if there's another incident.

i implore you not to WAIT until the NEXT time he hurts or abuses you or the children.....because it will happen. wouldn't it be better to already have made that call and have that support and connection? now before it's so awful you are too afraid to reach out?

whereas you see single incidents, the plate, halloween night, etc, almost as if they are truly separate and unconnected events, they are in fact all part of the SAME movie, all connected, all one very big and dangerous problem. you live with an abuser. and if you think it's tough for alcoholics to sober up, the odds on that are VASTLY improved over an abuser ever truly changing.

hearthealth

Of course, even that might get you in trouble, because you should KNOW how high, without having to ask.

Yes we have learned that we should have known many things like jumping. I just want to get through the holidays. Am I frustrating? Do I belong here? Why the Ugh?

AnvilheadII

of course you belong here!!! you are not frustrating, your situation is tho!! it's a NO WIN situation for you........THAT is what the UGH is for.

teatreeoil007

I think most people who live by double standards are self righteous and are maybe the type of people who "can never be wrong" and when they are wrong they won't admit it, even when it's staring them in the face. For some people the ole double standard seems to be ingrained in them; part of their character. I don't know if it is connected to addiction or not, but many addicts tend to justify their behavior and that is what happens with double standard maneuvers. They justify whatever it is they do, even if they don't think others should do it. When you stop and think about it that way, it really is arrogant.

teatreeoil007

Maud makes some good points here. Could be a control issue.

Ever in a relationship with a perfectionist or an OCD'er? They may not have any chemical addiction issues, but not always easy to live with. You really need to stand your ground and not let them railroad you. It can get wearisome having to call someone out on things that should be obvious. But a lot of folks have blind spots where their own selves are concerned.

Refiner

Sounds like an A-hole issue. You deserve better than the abuse he dished out. I hope you see that.

firebolt

Yeah - this. Mine was the same way....oh and guess what...the target kept moving. Something that was ok with them one day wouldnt be the next. It is INSANITY.

MrMystery

That is the absolute truth! My AW has created so many "rules" for so many different situations that I can't act without crossing her, but she complains that I don't do enough to reach out to her. I keep trying to repeat the various "rules" I'm expected to adhere to and she denies ever issuing any of them, even if they were the day before!

LexieCat

The "ugh" was in reference to the sense of entitlement he has that he can push you and your kids around.