KWALL

Apologies ahead of time for the lengthy post, but I am in desperate need of advice and support. Please take the time to read. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married almost 12. We have three children, 19, 10 & 8. The 19 year old is mine, a result of a teenage pregnancy. A blessing in disguise, she was for me. Her bio dad abandoned her, and my hub has raised her as his own since she was 4. I'm not exaggerating when I say our marriage was one others voiced many times throughout the years that it is one they strove to have and wished for due to our maddening love and respect we have/had for one another, our family value system, etc. He has always enjoyed drinking beer. Years ago, he'd come home 3-4 times a week and have 3-4 beers. Not a big deal. We, as everybody does, have had our struggles and uphill climbs. They've never been due to our marriage, but the death of parents, a preemie baby in the NICU, depression/anxiety that left me nearly bedridden for about a year, my subsequent addiction to pain meds. I was self medicating the depression and anxiety out of sheer desperation to feel better, even for 20 minutes. I recognized my issue and dealt with it. I still struggle with depression and anxiety. It has gotten MUCH better, but is always there. Depression, for me, is like a chronic illness. It's always there, the severity of it changes from day to day. I've worked my butt off to try to get myself back to the person I once was. When my husband really began changing was about a year and a half ago. We'd been through some things that left us broke, our house being foreclosed on (still in process). Through our trials he's always had a positive attitude, but with our finances being such a mess, he felt like a failure as a man, husband, father and provider. He carried the weight of all of this on his shoulders. I continuously told him that it doesn't matter if we lose this bigger house we worked for, as long as we were together, had a roof over our heads and healthy children, we could withstand it. What mattered was the family, not losing the house and our car. The material things are just that; material things. He continued (and continues) to be very upset. It was like that hardship was the straw that broke the camels back. He began drinking more heavily, driving intoxicated with our children in the car, ect. I'd say on any given week he drinks 5 nights out of 7 now. We hang out with his cousins and their families a great deal. We also camp with them and friends a lot. Anytime there is a get together he drinks in access. The kids are seeing it, commenting on it. Sometimes they think when he's acting stupid that it's funny, but it's gotten to the point where they are recognizing how much he drinks. Just this past weekend is when everything went to hell. We attended a Halloween party. Around 10 I was tired and ready to go, but he wasn't. Friends who live right down the street offered to bring him and our son home. Our 8 yo was staying the night there and our 19 year old was staying with us over the weekend as she normally does. At 2:30am I was woken by his screaming. I jumped and ran to where it was coming from. I found our eldest sitting on the bed, leaning back on her elbows and he was about 2 inches from her face, hands raised like he was going to hit her (although he has never gotten physical with me or the children) and screaming, "GET THE F OUT OF MY HOUSE!!" (Side note: he kicked her out a few months ago during another drunken rage. She absolutely deserved to be kicked out bc her mouth is so disrespectful. We just could not have her living here. We were constantly walking on eggshells around her in our own home, however, that was a conversation meant to be had sober, not when you're drunk, angry and not in your right mind. Although he argues this point, he says I back her up instead of him, which is ABSOLUTELY not true! 99% of the time I back him up, and the 1% of the time that I don't, I've NEVER said so to her, but I've privately spoke with him about it, which I guess makes him assume I told her she was right and not him. That is something I would never do, as I know the results of that. Her bio dad always spoke ill of me to her, hoping it would turn her against me, but it had the opposite affect, it made her angry at him for badmouthing me and ultimately ruined their relationship. To me, in a family, and he's always been in agreement, that marriage and spouses come first, even before children, as our marriage is the foundation of our whole family and if we don't nurture that, the whole thing will crumble. He's always been a man of respect, integrity, great family values and all that. He was a man that all other men should strive to be. Anyway, that night I couldn't calm him down. I asked my daughter to please leave because he won't calm down if she didn't leave. After she left I ran into my sons room to find him bawling and so scared. His exact words were, "this is all my fault! If I wouldn't have told on my sister, dad would have never gotten mad. It's all my fault, but why does daddy drink so much and why does he act this way when he does?" That CRUSHED me. I took him into our room, locked the door, laid down with him and rubbed his head and back trying to calm him down. Husband then used the key to keep breaking into bedroom, screaming for me to give him the car keys and that he wouldn't leave room until I did. Of course I denied him that, which angered him more. I always have to hide the keys. It's ridiculous. Our differences are when we quarrel (which is rare and almost always due to his drinking), I will stay and fight. His mode is to get sh*tfaced and escape via car, or escape and then drink. In the end, I was so angry with him that I left the bedroom so our son couldn't hear and told him I was done. I wanted a divorce. Of course I didn't mean it, I've never threatened that as a form of manipulation, but I've been telling him for a year what he stands to lose, his family, if he cannot get the drinking under control. I thought the reality of actually standing to lose his family would get him to see this is an actual problem. I was wrong. He vehemently denies having an issue. I KNOW I've had my own issues. I know he has had a lot on his plate. When my depression was bad, he really had to step up and do more because I could barely function. The guilt I felt, and will forever feel for him having to deal with that is immense. I've told him many times that I feel as though I will owe him penance for the rest of our lives because of what I put him through, even though medically, it was not my fault, but with depression comes guilt either way. He was always so supportive during that time. He told me all the time that he was here for the long haul, that I would get better and he'd be there every step of the way. Anyway, he ended up having his cousin pick him up that night/morning and all weekend he stayed at our river lot. He came home Sunday bc he coaches our youngest's soccer team and they had a game. Via text Sunday he told me he didn't love me anymore. Tuesday he said the same thing, also that I deserve better and we weren't right for one another. Wth?!?! He also swears he will not try counseling to see if there is a way to work it out, or even as a way to make a divorce "easier" and figure out the best way to go about it, the healthiest way, not only for us, but most definitely for our children. They will be absolutely ROCKED by this. They still think their family is in this perfect little bubble. Mommy and Daddy have always been very much in love, caring and affectionate in front of the kids. I don't believe he is thinking about them or what we've built together for the past 14 years. It's like he's had a personality transplant! This is NOT the man I know! He told me he hasn't been in love for about a year, but never said a word to me. As I said, his drinking has increased the past year, but nothing had changed with us. I looked at texts and FB posts from just the week this happened (before Friday). They included (without my initiating words first) things such as: I love you so much baby. I hope your day is as beautiful as you are. You're my everything.
There has never been a time where he hasn't promised me he will be there forever; love me forever. We were supposed to be that couple that died holding hands. Our love has always been solid and strong. When I talked to my therapist Saturday and told her the 100% honest truth I asked if I was exaggerating, if I was looking too far into the drinking and making false accusations because of what I've been through, do I see drugs and alcohol as an addiction now? She looked shocked that I asked. She told me I was not exaggerating and that he absolutely is an alcoholic. While that was devastating to hear, it also felt good to be validated and backed up. I'm not saying I haven't nagged him about the drinking. Anytime we go out alone or to a fam event I say things like:
Please don't drink too much tonight.
Can you slow it down, babe? You've had four beers to my one. I'm sure it seemed excessive to him and like I was just nagging, when in reality, anytime I said something, it was out of concern. I've been so worried, I know how easily addiction can take over your life so quickly and how hard it is to get out from under it. I didn't want him to have to go down that hellish path. Also, I am constantly worried about what our kids will be exposed to. Sometimes, I'd have been the one who actually wanted to let loose. Also, I get sick of babysitting him. Is he going to wake up and start peeing in the corner thinking it's the toilet bc he's so drunk? (yes, has totally happened) Is he going to get so drunk that I have to put him to bed? Will he get so drunk that undoubtedly we will have a knock down drag out? I will tell him the next day things that he did and said, things that the kids have said about him. He just calls me a liar and that I'm putting that stuff in the kids' heads. Ummm...no. You're making an a$$ out of yourself and I'm just here to tell you about it. Again, probably nagging, but have just been desperate for SOMETHING I say to get through his thick skull. I've since learned you cannot reason with an alcoholic, whether their drunk or sober. My therapist told me it stays in the system for 4 days. She said since he drinks so often it's never all the way out of his system, so it's impossible to have a rational conversation. She said all I sound like to him is that teacher on Charlie Brown. I just don't understand!!! If he's not ready to admit he has a problem, okay, but to just throw away a beautiful family because you can't deal with your issues. If you fall out of love with someone, you distance yourself. He's never done that. If you don't love someone, you don't initiate sweet, sexy conversations and texts. He is literally done. This has left me shattered. We've always said we'd be together forever. We were supposed to be that couple. I can't believe he doesn't love me. It kills me. He claims he will feel less pressure not being married. Seriously? Life is constant work. ANY relationship is work. We've never had any major issues at all that affected our marriage. We've always been a solid unit. He's just flushing our whole lives, everything we've built, down the toilet. He's not considering what this will do to the kids. I don't believe people should stay together for the kids, but how could he love me last week but not this week? He is acting like a completely different person this week than the 14 other years I've known him. I don't even know how to begin processing this. It's unfathomable. If this divorce does indeed go through, I will be worried every time he has our kids because of the drinking. Another thing to mention is we literally cannot afford to get divorced. Divorce costs aside, we are going to lose this house, very soon my car will be repossessed. How will we ever afford two homes? Our credit scores, which were once stellar are crap now. How we will afford to furnish a new home? Everything that you need for a new home, starting fresh. From furniture, to beds, to kitchen appliances, lawnmowers, towels, bed sheets, utensils, TV, DVD, plates, silverware...just everything. I'm not exaggerating when I say we simply cannot afford a divorce. How does he think this will work?

To end; does anyone have any advice? I don't care if it's a hard truth. Any men or women out there who dealt with normal life issues, turned to drinking or drug and suddenly didn't love their spouse? I have friends telling me that he has to have some love for me, but this week he isn't showing it. Is it possible to just unlove the love of your life? Is it possible to initiate intimacy, kind and loving words, telling someone they are the love of your life when you think you're falling out of love with them? Is it me? Is it life's stresses? Is it the drinking? I've been through a lot in life, as everyone has. I was very sick with JRA as a child, my mother was emotionally and physically abusive. I dealt with depression and suicide attempts as a teen. Had a baby at 17. Found out when I was 23 that my dad had 6m-1yr to live because of brain cancer, 3 months after he passed, my best friend and grandma died from heartbreak from losing my dad. 5 years after dad died, mom suddenly died. A few years after that, hubs mom died. Had a preemie baby in the NICU, again I dealt with debilitating depression for years and subsequent addiction (although that did not last long, I nipped it in the bud very soon after realizing it was an issue), financial crisis, ect. This is the worst thing I've ever been through. I miss my parents terribly, especially my daddy, but if I had the choice to have them back or for my husband to have never fallen out of love with me, well, I'd choose him every time. He's the love of my life, and I know with my whole heart that once upon a time, I was his as well.

I know I'm not always easy to live with and I have my own issues, but everybody does. Do you think he honestly doesn't love me? Do you think he's giving me up because he's not ready to give up drinking? I can't see the problem or the big picture yet. With the way he's acting I don't even think he will miss me. Is the beer more important than a beautiful family of 5 and everything we've built together? I guess I'm having trouble, obviously, coming to terms with the fact that he is sick and won't admit it and that he is disposing of me and wrecking our children's worlds in the process. It seems he hasn't thought about the big picture. I want so badly for him to be regretful, love me and end up missing me and seeing how badly he F'd up. I know I can't make a sick person confront their demons, but by choosing drinking and divorce over me and our family, it's earth shattering. He completely blindsided me. I don't know what to do, where to start. I'm just lost. Again, sorry for the book I just wrote. This is my first time here and to give you all the clear picture, I had to give as much info as possible. Have a blessed day. Those of you who are working on your addiction, good for you! It is NOT easy. Addiction is a disease. For those of you who love and addict, keep your chin up and pray, pray, pray.

KWALL

jryan19982

Hi

Im so sorry you are going through this. It does seem like your husband has a problem.

I have trouble disciplining my kids the right way, and my wife always says dont make threats of punishment unless you are going to actually do it. Like I threaten to my daughter she will spend the rest of the day in her room if... But I understand in the heat of the moment why you would say something like that hoping it would change him.

On the other hand, it does not sound like your kids dont have the best environment to thrive in when he is drinking. Is it possible to have a separation instead of going right into a divorce?

Alcohol made me rage when something pissed me off. And I thought and said things I did not really mean and that could be what is happened to your husband. From my point of view, when I was drunk I would refuse to lose a fight and would win no matter the costs.

It is very hard to change and alcoholic. Most times they wont change unless THEY want to change. Maybe you and your kids can try and sit down and talk with him? Have your kids say how they feel? Coming from them it might be different.

It is really hard to say what he is dealing with. I know that drinking made me resent a lot of things in my life and f*ck I have a good life. A great life, but drinking made me think otherwise. It is a horrible drug if abused.

Again I am so sorry for what you are going through. My best wishes are with you and your kids.

Raeven

KWALL, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Until he is ready, he probably won't hear you. I encourage you to keep talking to someone, and let the kids if you can. I was a child of an alcoholic (hello, apple, tree) and it was very traumatic seeing rages and feeling threatened. Protect yourself and your kids, keep reaching out but understand that until he is ready, you can't change him.
Positive energy to your family.

awuh1

You said that he is driving while intoxicated and sometimes when the children are in the car. The first priority should be to protect the children.

Insist on a separation until he addresses his alcohol problem. Things will only get worse until he does. You may need to get a restraining order, call the police, or leave the house with the children if he is out of control.

I sincerely hope that you are at a turning point and he begins to see where the problem is centered . Until then do whatever you need to do to protect those kids.

Anna

Hi and Welcome, I'm sorry for your situation. The thing that jumped out at me the most was about your son blaming himself for things, "this is all my fault! If I wouldn't have told on my sister, dad would have never gotten mad. It's all my fault, but why does daddy drink so much and why does he act this way when he does?" That CRUSHED me. This is a huge concern. Please protect your children at all cost. Have you considered AlAnon as a support for you?

Gilmer

I agree 100% with both Awuh and Anna.

It is of the utmost importance for the children to know that none of this is their fault.

As long as your husband keeps drinking, he will keep spiraling down into irrationality. He will not stop the madness until he hits his rock bottom.

You can speed this along by insisting that he remove himself from the family home. He needs to see exactly what he is giving up by throwing away his family. A separation will let him see exactly how bleak and lonely his life will be--and MAYBE he will come to his senses without the mess and finality of divorce.

I am terribly, terribly sorry you have to go through this.

You really do sound like an exemplary wife.

Fly N Buy

An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature. At the height of my drinking the jazzz that came out of my mouth was vile. Unfortunately our mouth is between our head and heart.

Seek the help you need for yourself and children. Little sense is made from an alcoholic engaged in active alcoholism.

Prayers with you

MidnightRider

Your post had a lot to absorb... But the main theme throughout the entire message was "protecting" your children.

Sorry to hear of your situation. But maybe it's time to "wake" the man up in order for him to make decision .... booze or family..

Also, you may need to remove the kid's and yourself from the situation.

Esp if he is driving while drunk with them in car...... This is NOT OK.

Please find some local guidance and help.

Things CAN work out. But sometimes it takes a big move to make things happen.

I am not an expert or have ever lived through anything like what you are explaining. I am just replying on the message board here... So please take with the grain of salt necessary.

Best to you!

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry you're going through this. You mention that in a family spouses come first. Your children must come first. He is an adult and has made a decision. Your children only have you to protect them and shield them from him.

Anna's post is so very true. I would put my energy into looking after me and my children. You can't change or control what he does, only what you can do.

Gonnachange

I know you believe that you don't have many options due to financial considerations which are very real, but the children need to be protected. Have you spoken to any family advocates about possible routes of proceeding and options you may have?

I wish you well.

Ooona

Sorry you are in this situation.

I think your husband needs a major wake up call. I would, with as few of words as possible, give him exactly what he is asking for. No begging, cajoling, pleading...no nagging yelling or screaming. No more ultimatums.

Pack some of his things and put them outside with a note that says he is not welcome in the family home until he has stopped drinking and has proven that he can be a productive and non destructive member. Then stick to it! Make him PROVE that he is willing to make changes ( which will take some time)

Again, dont engage into any discussion or arguments with him.

I believe this will be the only way to save your marriage and quite possibly save his life. At the same time you will be showing your children that regardless of how painful, you are there to protect them at all costs. As a parent that is the MOST important job we have.

Best wishes to you!

teatreeoil007

I understand you must be heartbroken....a repetitive question you asked in your post was how can someone just stop loving you like that? It happens and some people are good at hiding their true feelings for a long time. But remember he has been under the influence and can you trust anything he says? I've gotten the impression this "not loving you" is a sudden change. Is there possibly another woman?

There are many reasons for peoples' various behaviors. It sounds like he doesn't do well with pressure or stress. And who knows, could he be depressed himself? You know how debilitating depression can be. I've heard it said that depression is anger turned inward. Well, maybe he is a very very very angry man. It's okay to be angry, but if that is what it is with him, it's coming out in very destructive ways. You guys have been through a lot, including financial problems and it's especially hard for men to deal with financial loss. Maybe they take it as more of a personal failing...?

Regardless of what is really going on with him, the kids need to come first. If the relationship between the two of you is salvageable that can be addressed later.

HopeandFaith1

This is pretty much what my thoughts were as well. I can tell you from experience that some men take financial problems extremely hard because they think it means they have failed at providing for their family. I have been married almost 16 years and my husband has never handled financial stress well (I am more pragmatic about the situation like you are) anyway my husband's personality can change drastically with this type of stress and he is normally a loving husband. Just be aware this could be the result of low self esteem exacerbated by financial trouble and of course alcoholism, which never helps anything.

I also wonder if it is possible he has another woman in his life? Besides the alcohol which is every bit as destructive as an actual affair.

I hope you have an opportunity to speak with him face to face when he's sober so you can get a better idea where all this is coming from.

I also agree you might want to consider separating to get the kids out of a bad situation and to also get some space for yourself! Because this is not just about him. I really feel for you and I am praying things work out for the best.

RedAndy

Sounds tough for you KWALL.

In all honesty most of that could have been written by my wife however no matter how many times she told me / asked me even tried to force me to stop none of it registered until I finally realised this for myself and wanted to put things right and change - I put her through hell with a lot of my actions but at the time could not see what I was doing / didn't want to accept it as there was no way I could live my life without drink and drugs - I thought I could go forever and was prepared at one stage to walk away from everything having said similar things and done much worse just because I didn't want to face the real problem - addiction to drink and drugs. I thought I would be happy on my own doing what I wanted as long as I could continue doing what I had done all my life and to hell with anyone who wanted me to change - that was their problem - not mine, I look back at that now and cringe as it was so obvious but I truly couldn't see it and sounds like the same applies to your husband - my belief is he does truly love you but he's so wrapped up in himself that he can't see what he's doing as he cant accept he's doing anything wrong - family parties and nights out were exactly as you describe - I cringe now looking back - at the time it was just how it was - I was drunk- sorry - move on - sorry - move on - sorry - move on and repeat over and over again - I kept it going until it could go no more.

No matter how much you wish for it and want to make those changes until your husband does this himself you are really fighting a losing battle unfortunately- some of us do eventually realise what we are doing and what is required but that has to come from within - I hope for you and your family he is wise enough, for me it took me to the point of feeling like I was losing my mind to realise enough was enough and exactly what I was doing, it took it to get this far to wake up and genuinely want and seek help to sort things out before it was too late.

Good luck with it and I hope things work out for you as you wish but you have to do what is right for you and your children first and foremost.

I also hope for his sake that he can see this for himself as I can't stress enough how much better things are once you wake up and realise there is a life that is so much more rewarding without the shackles of alcohol / drugs and addiction in your life.

ru12

Hi,

Lots of stuff in your post... first though don't threaten divorce unless that is really something you want. Now, to me, this situation sounds hurtful and possibly dangerous to your kids. As others have said, you have to protect them as your husband cannot as he drinks.

I think you might love a past vision of your husband... I cannot imagine you love this slobbering idiot who wants to drive drunk with the kids in the car. Jack Trimpey from Rational Recover discusses how he thinks one should deal with this situation: tell your husband it is booze or his family. Choose now. One chance. He thinks it is too dangerous to play around with this and so do I. A drunk is a terrible parent and spouse.

If your husband chooses to keep drinking pack his things, see a lawyer, file and protect your family. If he drives drunk and hurts someone your financial life will be ruined.

FreedomCA

Sorry for your current issues. I am also married to an alcoholic (I am in recovery), and so I can understand the pain of this situation. We have no children together (just a puppy), and at the current time I am content with the relationship because the pain of leaving would be greater than the pain of staying. I am fortunate at the time that my alcoholic husband listens to me (lets me drive rather than him drink and drive, respects my boundaries and rules if I tell him I'm not comfortable with something, etc.). But it seems to me like your husband is out of control, and I personally would feel more pain in staying than in leaving due to the destructive choices he is making. It seems clear, however, that he is choosing alcohol over his family. You asked why would someone do this? It's because this is the nature of alcoholism. Some of us choose to combat this nature with sobriety and a recovery plan, but it does not seem like your husband is one of these people. I wish you all the best.