Kissedbyfire

I'm off maternity leave and back to work. His sister has not been working out as a babysitter. My daughter got sick for the first time, a terrible diaper rash and isn't receiving even remotely adequate care.

I received a promotion to a very tough position. The past three weeks have been extremely stressful.

He got cocky.

Tonight he didn't come home and ignored my calls and texts.
He finally stumbled in an hour or so ago... suddenly our relationship is in turmoil, I'm a terrible partner and a narrotic control freak. Funny how I haven't been called those things in ten months.

I'm numb and sad. I feel like the fantasy I was living (which hasn't necessarily been wonderful) is over.

And morning will come and I'll probably get a tearful apology. He's passed out in a chair, slumped over.I left him there this time.

honeypig

KBF, I'm so sorry to hear that this is the way things are going.

Nata1980

Sorry things are not good.

Interestingly, my XAH relapsed every time I was promoted/moved jobs. Like a clockwork. Something about him being more down on himself as he saw me being happy.....

I can completely relate to the sinking feeling when you realize you can no longer rely on your partner for child care and you have demanding job to balance. The positive is since you got this promotion - you are obviously valued and they will work with you.

My bosses have been amazing about giving me flexibility, given the situation (my mentor knows more details while the rest of the management has a vague idea that I am a single parent now)

Zenial

10 weeks is better than no weeks. He's done well. I know it must feel like he's hit a brick wall, but just like smoking - every quit attempt you get a little better at it. Maybe next round he'll last twelve weeks? Then 20 weeks.
I'm new to this forum. Do we believe the less you drink, the less you want to drink? because that's how it happened to me - all tastes bad to me now.

SnoozyQ

Kbf , I'm so sorry. I really feel for you. He will wake up in the morning , full of remorse . You have to make a choice of whether or not you are prepared to live this way with a new baby.

If your relationship is strong enough you may still get through this.

You must be so disappointed.

Wishing you all the best xxx

FeelingGreat

I'm sorry kissed, especially as this has been combined with other stressful events. Maybe concentrate on getting good child-care at this stage, as that will be at least one thing you don't have to fret about.
I hope your husband jumps back on the wagon, but as an ex-A I know that relapse is not a good omen.

ladyscribbler

Sorry to hear this. Hope your little one heals soon. My oldest (now 15) used to get the worst diaper rash. I found that using an ointment with both zinc oxide and vitamins A & D worked the best for him. It wasn't expensive.

Did you have a boundary that you planned to enforce if he relapsed?

Sotiredofitall

Second the desitin and A&D. Used both.

Kissedbyfire

I managed to get rid of the rash with this cream called skinfix. It has the same consistency as zincofax but is brown. It's like a facial mud mask for a baby's bum. I also let her sit in like warm water after a bm in the evening while I was home. Thank you for the tips though ladies .

I didnt put any repercussions in place.
He decided to quit and he's gone through stages where he says it makes him I'll to think about it, says it's the dumbest pass-time human beings have and that he never even wants one again. He was insulting toward anyone who drank. He later said he didn't even think he was an A because it was so easy for him to quit. He was open about quitting. Told his friends, family, co-workers. He got too cocky. Refused to seek help like AA or counseling when suggested and I wasn't about to change lanes into his path.
I am just very sad. We were just talking about buying a home and seeing a mortgage specialist before yesterday, and at the very least moving. Last night he brought it up and told me it was a pipe dream and I live in a fantasy world.

I didn't yell or scream. I was worried as he should have been home hours before. I assumed he was held up at work or something bad happened. When he came through the door and I saw his vacant eyes my heart sank. His eyes are so empty and vacant when he's drunk. It breaks my heart when I see them. I was hoping I'd never have to see them again.

maia1234

Kbf,
Hon what's your plan?

Did u discuss with him if he relapsed again? If you told him what your plans were you need to follow through. Worry about you and the baby, he is an adult and can take care of himself.

dandylion

Kissedbyfire.....alanon would be a good moral support for you....(yes, I know you are busy with a baby and a job)....
Personally, I would be very reticent to make a move with a major complication...like a mortgage....as alcoholism is progressive and you don't know what your future entails...

The fact that he is against AA and help..and he thinks that white knuckling will get him to lifelong sobriery is not a good predictor of success.
Many alcoholics can, actually, white knuckle for periods of time..sometimes a long time...but, the nature of the disease predicts that the drinking will resume, again.
Over confidence, in the early non drinking period. is, also, not a good harbringer.......in AA, the alcoholic learns humility...(pride goeth before the fall...lol)...

I hope you have continued to study and are learning the nature and pattern of the disease...
Knowledge is power.

I suggest that you focus on yourself and the baby and decide what kind of life you want to live....Let you life be in your own hands...not the hands of an alcoholic....they can't manage their own life...seriously....

LexieCat

I'm assuming you're not an alcoholic. That works when you're not addicted to alcohol--you miss it for a bit and then you get used to not drinking. That's how I was when I was married to a sober alcoholic for many years and RARELY drank. After the divorce, when I had no reason not to drink whenever I felt like it, it gradually increased and I eventually crossed the line where I could no longer control it. Once you get to that point, ANY drinking pretty much puts you back at square one because you've fed the addiction. Not to say you can't ever succeed--I know lots of people with long-term sobriety who had several relapses before they got there. But it's not desirable, and it doesn't "strengthen" you. Each time you go back to drinking there's no guarantee you'll ever come back.

honeypig

KBF, when I first learned about XAH's secret drinking, he immediately promised to stop and to get back to AA. He found a meeting and left for it each week religiously. He said he'd stopped drinking, and I wanted badly to believe him, so I just left it at that. I did nothing for myself. There were times when he seemed "off", and after much struggle w/myself, I broke down and started asking if he had been drinking. He assured me that no, of course not, he was sober and going to meetings!

But you know, it didn't seem like things got any better at home. In fact, they seemed to get slowly worse. After 4 years of this--yes, you read it right, FOUR FREAKING YEARS--I saw a withdrawal from our savings that I knew nothing about. To be brief, he'd never stopped drinking at all. He'd drive into town each week at the appointed time and walk in the park, peruse the hobby shop, whatever, but would make sure not to actually BUY anything during the time he was supposedly in his meeting b/c receipts have a time printed on them and if I looked at the time, I would know he wasn't in his meeting (as if looking at the time on a receipt would ever have occurred to me...).

So we started again in January of 2013. This time I got on SR and started Alanon for myself. He was actually going to meetings now, but from what I was beginning to learn, it didn't seem like he was actually in recovery. Everyone told me "you'll know it when you see it." There seemed to be no effort on his part, no struggle, and NO CHANGE. However, I still held out hope that he was, indeed, recovering, even though I had no real reason to believe that.

In July of that same year, I found his stash. He confessed that he'd never been sober more than 2 days in a row. But NOW, he said, NOW he was REALLY going to get sober. I had some serious doubts at this point but I waited for "more to be revealed", as they say in Alanon.

And it was. I truly felt things were no better by the summer/early fall of 2014. We had a huge, huge fight that fall and after a month of struggle and driving around crying at my job, I filed for divorce. He still maintained that he was sober. Legal advice led me to convert the divorce to a separation b/c I had no health insurance and he was amenable to keeping me on his, which we could do if we separated. He knew that if I found he was drinking again/still, divorce was the next step, regardless.

We separated in March of 2015, and by late June of 2015, we were finalizing the divorce b/c, surprise surprise, he was still drinking. Here is a link to the day I found out about it for sure: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-i-guess.html

This has gotten longer than I intended, but what I want to convey here is that, at least in my experience, if you're looking at his recovery, thinking "well, gosh, THAT wasn't so bad, if it was that easy why didn't he do it years ago?", chances are good that nothing has really changed. If you think you dodged the bullet w/no effort on your part, you probably didn't. Honest-to-God recovery is HARD, and people struggle and work at it. They don't just blithely say "oh, I'm quitting now" and do so. I felt blessed b/c I thought XAH had quit just like that, and so lucky b/c I didn't have to change anything or do any of that ugly work on myself. I couldn't have been more wrong about what was really happening.

Maybe you see yourself in this, maybe not, but if any part of it resonates, then it was probably worth your while to read it.

Praying

Hi KBF,

I'm sorry you're experiencing this-- and I'm sure you know it has nothing to do with you, but I'll say it again anyway. It has nothing to do with you!

After 18 years married to an A, I still believed my new XABF when he said that he has some issues with alcohol so he just quit (before I met him). 8 months later after we'd moved in together he drank and it went downhill fast. I had BELIEVED that it was just easier for him than my X, that maybe he wasn't a true alcoholic...and then reality hit and I realized I was wrong.

This is your chance to have the same realization--this will be a WAR for him. A long, hard war that he can only win if he fully submits to it. A war that, even if he ultimately wins, you might not still want to be there when it's over. The only thing we know about the future is that any path will not be easy.

I'm sorry that you're here, but in some ways it's a gift after 10 weeks. He could quit again and last longer--mine was almost a year--and all of that is time in your life wasted if he's not ready to really quit for good. There's a difference between true recovery with a relapse, and not truly sobering up while white-knuckling. Many As repeat the second one over and over for years and years.

Hugs to you and your little one! You're stronger that you may think. Congrats on the promotion. Don't lose track of how GOOD you are out there.

Maudcat

Hey, Kissedbyfire. I am so sorry. 10 weeks is good, but , as others have posted, some kind of program reinforces recovery. No advice today. Just know that you have friends and support here. Peace.

FireSprite

I'm so sorry KBF.

Have you given much thought to what your boundaries are around relapse? I never really thought about it myself until it was happening & I saw it from that new perspective. Many hugs to you today!

knowthetriggers

KBF:

I am currently in the same situation. I have nothing more to offer but support and love for you at the moment.

Take care