imjules

Still here, dating AB 10 months. Things were good- rehab, then sober 40 days after rehab, but now on 2nd binge in 2 wks. After the last one I told him I would not be around again and didn't want to hear the sorrys and excuses once he sobered up. Time to put my words into actions instead of meaningless threats.

One last act last night- to protect not only his life but an innocent victim on the roads from him driving totally trashed, I found him passed out in his car, passenger window busted out, glass everywhere, elbow bleeding with glass still in it. I removed all alcohol, took his wallet and keys so he has no choice but to become conscious again and sober up. Left him there. Took his belongings to his parents. Blocked his phone from mine.

The part that broke my heart? I checked his phone laying in the front seat wondering if he called his new job of 1 week to tell them that he wasn't coming in and I saw where he called 911 yesterday. The amount of despair this man is in breaks my heart. He is so very desperate for help and to change, but there is nothing that can be done for him. I think the reason the 911 call has upset me so much is bc I had an uncle a few years ago in so much despair that he disappeared for days and was found in the woods with a rope around his neck attached to a broken tree limb. I will never quit wondering if there was something I could have done for him. That is what has kept me trying here, and really, I'm strong and I'm ok and could endure this even longer but I know nothing is going to change if nothing changes and I know I'm not helping his recovery by always being there.

Alcohol is nothing but a thief. I never give up on anything or anyone, but I know I must do so here. I don't want to let Alcohol win, but I can't allow it to keep taking away from me until there is nothing left. I'm choosing me. I'm detaching with love, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Thanks for listening and being there.

Nata1980

Hi there - I know it can be hard - I still have those moments with XAH where he is crying and it affects me.

Detaching would mean not checking up on him and calling the police when he drives drunk (not that I have completely mastered that but I am getting there). It helps me to think of XAH as a stranger. If your BF was a stranger - would not you call the police in this situation?

Detaching does not mean giving up for me - it means that I am not allowing his outcomes to influence mine.

And there is nothing you could have done for your uncle. So sorry for your loss.

Hugs

SparkleKitty

Letting go is not the same as giving up. Sometimes you have to let go so someone else to allow them the dignity of facing the consequences of their own actions.

Choosing you is the best thing you can do for yourself AND him. Big hugs.

atalose

The part that broke my heart? I checked his phone laying in the front seat I think we the loved ones think from the worst case scenario and especially think that way when a tragedy has bestowed someone else we loved. I am so very sorry about you uncle and the affect that has had on your life.

I know you see despair with him and him being desperate for help to change………but his actions say something very different. Most people who truly want help actually seek it. Maybe his 911 call had nothing at all to do with asking for help for recovery but help with locking his keys in his vehicle. Which I am sure the police said they do not do and to call a lock smith. Could explain the broken car window and blood on his elbow.

I think blocking him # from contacting you and going no contact is the best course of action you could have taken for yourself.

Maudcat

I am so sorry, imjules. It is the hardest thing in the world to let a loved one be. Every fiber of your being wants to reach out to soothe this broken person. Let him be. He has to walk his path, wherever it leads..

Smarie78

I'm so sorry sweetheart. I can't imagine what you are going through. Or well....I can actually, and that's what has my heart hurting from you. I know that feeling of telling yourself, screaming at yourself that you can't keep protecting them and that you must detach - but also that feeling of despair and helplessness YOURSELF as you try to detach with love while watching them sink deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. How much you wish you could take that pain away, but knowing only they can.

I picture you there, coming upon that horrific scene - unsure if he was dead or just past out drunk (you know how fun that game is I'm sure). Seeing the blood...taking the wallet and keys...walking away while your heart screams in pain wondering 'how did my life get this way? this is too big for me'. And looking at that phone and seeing the despair. He likely called 911 because he either did drive and thought he was in an accident from the shattered window, or he was so blasted out of his mind he had no idea what he was dialing but knew he needed help.

I like what you said in the end. Alcohol is indeed a thief and no you cannot let it keep taking from you. I spoke to my sister yesterday and she told me something in me has changed. My "spirit" is gone. I seem hollow now. Don't let them continue to take from you. I am now on a mission to take my life back. But boy, is it ever so hard to leave them in the dust of their own demise at their very own doing.