Hurting from break up with alcoholic (?) boyfriend
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hurting from break up with alcoholic (?) boyfriend
Hi. It has been almost two weeks ago since my now ex boyfriend's most recent drinking episode.
We had been together for a year and a half. He is 29, I am 27. We fell deeply in love, shared our lives, had great and exciting plans for the future. But alcohol was always..there. We met at a bar, and spent the first summer of our relationship spending weekends at the beach, dancing, and celebrating our new love. I enjoyed drinking socially, but he really, really did. Still our love grew deeper. He became my best friend and soul mate.
The first episode happened almost one year into our relationship. We had gone out with a male co-worker of mine, and while my co-worker and I enjoyed conversing and having cocktails, my boyfriend went from wine, to vodka soda, to vodka over ice. By the time he and I left to walk to my apartment, he began belligerently telling me how I could not trust this co-worker (completely unprompted and for no reason whatsoever). When we got back to my apartment things had escalated, he began questioning his love for me, saying we should break up. He left in a drunken stupor and drove home extremely drunk. I thought I was in the twilight zone. Our relationship was solid (I thought), he was so caring and loving, always taking great care of me, we were such a great team. But I am pretty rational and thought, ok, I guess this is over. The next morning came the calls..."I ****** up!" "I am so sorry!" "I did not mean anything I said" "I want to marry you!" etc. I was so confused but also felt good that this was a one-off (according to him) and thankful that I had not misread almost one year of a relationship. "Phew! We are back on track." The love and all the good stuff continued.
The next episode happened a few months later. He had gone to a bbq and we had met back at my place. He became belligerent and said very awful things, including things about my career (which he had never said before). Again, I was so shocked, I had no idea where this was coming from. The next morning, same thing, "I am so sorry" "I did not mean any of that, I always want to be supportive of you." Now the drinking was on my radar. Drinking became (or perhaps it had always been) the intended activity for celebrations and anything else, really. He could never have just one drink, even if we were just relaxing at home on a weeknight. He also would drink and drive a lot. This cycle happened a few more times but honestly, the good was SO good, that it outweighed the handful of these lows. Until recently.
He had been traveling for work a lot. One night while he was away, he had dinner with his co-workers ("one glass of wine at dinner!") and then all of his co-workers went back to their rooms to prepare for the big meeting. He went to the bar, alone. On the way home, beer at the airport and drinks on the plane. I thought, "Geez why is it all about drinking??" On my birthday, when I got into his car to head to dinner, there was an empty beer can in the center console (not the first time this had happened). When I would stop after a drink or two, he would finish any remaining alcohol in my glass. On his "guy nights" although he wanted to come home to me, I always said no, after a few times of him coming back and being so drunk he could barely stand or talk coherently. Another time away on business he banged a dresser against the wall and the mirror fell, all because he was wasted.
The last episode, like the ones before it, came out of nowhere. We had a great dinner, telling each other how much we loved one another, how much fun we were having, how we would get married. As I poured a second glass of wine for myself, he was on his sixth or seventh very strong vodka drink. We were just hanging out on the couch! We started to discuss some current events and something snapped. All of a sudden I was berated for being a "******* *******" "part of the problem" and someone who "spews idiocy all day." I said, How can you say these things to me? I always tried to speak rationally and calm to him but I know now it is pointless to someone who is on that level. He yelled and shook his finger at my in my face. I went to bed so upset. He joined me later, passing out almost immediately and snoring so loud I had to go sleep on the couch. I woke up early the next morning to him going to get water from the kitchen, walking right by me, and going back to bed. I thought, "what am I doing here?" I was always the fixer, the one who wanted to hash it out and get passed it. I left. I felt stupid, weak, embarrassed. How could he say such awful things in such a mean way to someone he purports to love?
The communications from him started casually "hi baby! where are you..? wanna talk?" but they escalated to "I am so sorry for last night! I said things that were not reflective of how I actually feel, please do not throw away the amazing relationship we have over a silly fight after a few drinks." That one really pissed me off. He left that day for another business trip. I went to his place the following day and collected my belongings. Before, I gave him immediate access after these episodes, but now I was going to show him this was a problem with a capital P! He kept trying for a few days, texts, emails, voicemails, even messaging my family.
I held tight. Missing him terribly but I knew I was doing the right thing. I emailed him after a week and told him how much I loved him and the thought of being without him was devastating, but this had turned into a pattern, and I could not continue without him addressing his issue with alcohol. I have not heard from him since. I feel sad that he cannot address this issue even with knowing that it cost us the relationship. I cry, but it gets a bit better each day. I have found great strength in reading SR posts and wanted to share my experience too. My ex may not have been at his rock bottom, but he was verbally abusive to me when he got this drunk. Not every time, but he was a heavy drinker, so I never knew when it was coming.
The most challenging part for me to deal with is that I would want to fix myself if I were him. Why does he WANT to get that drunk and say awful things? Why does he get to that level? Why doesn't he want to stop? How do I rationalize the amazing person he was when he was sober to the person he became only sometimes?
Thank you for reading.
We had been together for a year and a half. He is 29, I am 27. We fell deeply in love, shared our lives, had great and exciting plans for the future. But alcohol was always..there. We met at a bar, and spent the first summer of our relationship spending weekends at the beach, dancing, and celebrating our new love. I enjoyed drinking socially, but he really, really did. Still our love grew deeper. He became my best friend and soul mate.
The first episode happened almost one year into our relationship. We had gone out with a male co-worker of mine, and while my co-worker and I enjoyed conversing and having cocktails, my boyfriend went from wine, to vodka soda, to vodka over ice. By the time he and I left to walk to my apartment, he began belligerently telling me how I could not trust this co-worker (completely unprompted and for no reason whatsoever). When we got back to my apartment things had escalated, he began questioning his love for me, saying we should break up. He left in a drunken stupor and drove home extremely drunk. I thought I was in the twilight zone. Our relationship was solid (I thought), he was so caring and loving, always taking great care of me, we were such a great team. But I am pretty rational and thought, ok, I guess this is over. The next morning came the calls..."I ****** up!" "I am so sorry!" "I did not mean anything I said" "I want to marry you!" etc. I was so confused but also felt good that this was a one-off (according to him) and thankful that I had not misread almost one year of a relationship. "Phew! We are back on track." The love and all the good stuff continued.
The next episode happened a few months later. He had gone to a bbq and we had met back at my place. He became belligerent and said very awful things, including things about my career (which he had never said before). Again, I was so shocked, I had no idea where this was coming from. The next morning, same thing, "I am so sorry" "I did not mean any of that, I always want to be supportive of you." Now the drinking was on my radar. Drinking became (or perhaps it had always been) the intended activity for celebrations and anything else, really. He could never have just one drink, even if we were just relaxing at home on a weeknight. He also would drink and drive a lot. This cycle happened a few more times but honestly, the good was SO good, that it outweighed the handful of these lows. Until recently.
He had been traveling for work a lot. One night while he was away, he had dinner with his co-workers ("one glass of wine at dinner!") and then all of his co-workers went back to their rooms to prepare for the big meeting. He went to the bar, alone. On the way home, beer at the airport and drinks on the plane. I thought, "Geez why is it all about drinking??" On my birthday, when I got into his car to head to dinner, there was an empty beer can in the center console (not the first time this had happened). When I would stop after a drink or two, he would finish any remaining alcohol in my glass. On his "guy nights" although he wanted to come home to me, I always said no, after a few times of him coming back and being so drunk he could barely stand or talk coherently. Another time away on business he banged a dresser against the wall and the mirror fell, all because he was wasted.
The last episode, like the ones before it, came out of nowhere. We had a great dinner, telling each other how much we loved one another, how much fun we were having, how we would get married. As I poured a second glass of wine for myself, he was on his sixth or seventh very strong vodka drink. We were just hanging out on the couch! We started to discuss some current events and something snapped. All of a sudden I was berated for being a "******* *******" "part of the problem" and someone who "spews idiocy all day." I said, How can you say these things to me? I always tried to speak rationally and calm to him but I know now it is pointless to someone who is on that level. He yelled and shook his finger at my in my face. I went to bed so upset. He joined me later, passing out almost immediately and snoring so loud I had to go sleep on the couch. I woke up early the next morning to him going to get water from the kitchen, walking right by me, and going back to bed. I thought, "what am I doing here?" I was always the fixer, the one who wanted to hash it out and get passed it. I left. I felt stupid, weak, embarrassed. How could he say such awful things in such a mean way to someone he purports to love?
The communications from him started casually "hi baby! where are you..? wanna talk?" but they escalated to "I am so sorry for last night! I said things that were not reflective of how I actually feel, please do not throw away the amazing relationship we have over a silly fight after a few drinks." That one really pissed me off. He left that day for another business trip. I went to his place the following day and collected my belongings. Before, I gave him immediate access after these episodes, but now I was going to show him this was a problem with a capital P! He kept trying for a few days, texts, emails, voicemails, even messaging my family.
I held tight. Missing him terribly but I knew I was doing the right thing. I emailed him after a week and told him how much I loved him and the thought of being without him was devastating, but this had turned into a pattern, and I could not continue without him addressing his issue with alcohol. I have not heard from him since. I feel sad that he cannot address this issue even with knowing that it cost us the relationship. I cry, but it gets a bit better each day. I have found great strength in reading SR posts and wanted to share my experience too. My ex may not have been at his rock bottom, but he was verbally abusive to me when he got this drunk. Not every time, but he was a heavy drinker, so I never knew when it was coming.
The most challenging part for me to deal with is that I would want to fix myself if I were him. Why does he WANT to get that drunk and say awful things? Why does he get to that level? Why doesn't he want to stop? How do I rationalize the amazing person he was when he was sober to the person he became only sometimes?
Thank you for reading.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Autumn. Unfortunately there aren't answers to all of your final questions other than "because he's an addict". But there is hope for you, I'm glad you've come here seeking help.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Minnetonka, MN
Posts: 155
First of all, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It is ultimately a good thing that there's separation between you two right now. He really needs to figure out his drinking issues before you guys try to make things more serious.
I will say, just speaking from personal experience, that when I get drunk, I get angry with myself for doing it. Then I lose control of my actions and take it out on others. Rational thought ceases, and irrational things are said. Some people claim that all alcohol does is lower your inhibitions and therefore anything you do or say while drunk should be considered legitimate. I just don't think that's true. Alcohol messes with your mind to such a crazy degree...
I don't have much more advice, other than to stay out of this relationship until you get some assurance that his drinking problem will be addressed. Otherwise you could both get hurt. Make sure he goes to AA or starts seeing a therapist, anything that shows he's getting help and trying to deal with it.
I will say, just speaking from personal experience, that when I get drunk, I get angry with myself for doing it. Then I lose control of my actions and take it out on others. Rational thought ceases, and irrational things are said. Some people claim that all alcohol does is lower your inhibitions and therefore anything you do or say while drunk should be considered legitimate. I just don't think that's true. Alcohol messes with your mind to such a crazy degree...
I don't have much more advice, other than to stay out of this relationship until you get some assurance that his drinking problem will be addressed. Otherwise you could both get hurt. Make sure he goes to AA or starts seeing a therapist, anything that shows he's getting help and trying to deal with it.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome, AutumnIvy!
You did the right thing leaving. When I was drinking, I would say and do things I would never do sober. I lived with a lot of guilt and shame, and then drank even more to block all of it out. I also know that for an addict, no matter how much they may love others, the alcohol or drug will always come first, not matter how well meaning the addict may be. In my case, I could not stop no matter how much I tried or wanted to without getting help.
Addiction is progressive and if you had stayed in the relationship without him doing intensive work to get and stay sober, what you experienced recently would have only gotten much worse. Addicts/alcoholics get a lot of wakeup calls as they begin to have more and more consequences as a result of their addiction and some will stop before too much bad happens while others will go on until they have nothing left.
I didn't try to get help with quitting until no one wanted anything more to do with me and the pain of drinking became so unbearable that it was either stop or die. Your leaving may be one of those wake-up calls for him and he gets help or he may ignore that one and continue on.
I know what you did took a lot of strength and courage and I'm glad you cared enough about yourself to get out as soon as you did. Read around in the Family and Friends section and you'll see others going through similar experiences to yours.
You did the right thing leaving. When I was drinking, I would say and do things I would never do sober. I lived with a lot of guilt and shame, and then drank even more to block all of it out. I also know that for an addict, no matter how much they may love others, the alcohol or drug will always come first, not matter how well meaning the addict may be. In my case, I could not stop no matter how much I tried or wanted to without getting help.
Addiction is progressive and if you had stayed in the relationship without him doing intensive work to get and stay sober, what you experienced recently would have only gotten much worse. Addicts/alcoholics get a lot of wakeup calls as they begin to have more and more consequences as a result of their addiction and some will stop before too much bad happens while others will go on until they have nothing left.
I didn't try to get help with quitting until no one wanted anything more to do with me and the pain of drinking became so unbearable that it was either stop or die. Your leaving may be one of those wake-up calls for him and he gets help or he may ignore that one and continue on.
I know what you did took a lot of strength and courage and I'm glad you cared enough about yourself to get out as soon as you did. Read around in the Family and Friends section and you'll see others going through similar experiences to yours.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
I'm so sorry your hurting autumn. I have been married a long time and love my wife very much but I loved alcohol more. I loved alcohol more then anything. She eventually left. It was the best thing she ever did for me. It helped me see that I was on a road to complete distruction. We eventually got back together but only after I got sober. I had to do the work and make the decision to get sober though. Your boyfriend has to make that decision as well
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Sorry about you pain lady but I'm proud of you for doing the right thing. Like it has been said, it is progressive and it sounds new like it was going down hill.
Be glad that you dodged a bullet and that you didn't marry him. You can't do anything. HE has to want it and do it. Leaving him might be the biggest favor you ever did him. You don't deserve this treatment and I'm glad that you put you foot down.
Have you visited the Friends and Family forum? I'm sure that can help you out too.
Stay strong! You did the right thing!!!
Be glad that you dodged a bullet and that you didn't marry him. You can't do anything. HE has to want it and do it. Leaving him might be the biggest favor you ever did him. You don't deserve this treatment and I'm glad that you put you foot down.
Have you visited the Friends and Family forum? I'm sure that can help you out too.
Stay strong! You did the right thing!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
You did the right thing, you are smart, and if he can embrace a higher power maybe he will pull through and see what a gift you gave him.
Don't hope to get back together. Let him and the relationship go. He has to re weave his life and his relationship to his life right now. Let him do it or not do it. For you, don't give in to the pull to "help" or "fix" him. Let it go and pat yourself on the back for not taking any BS from an alcoholic.
Don't hope to get back together. Let him and the relationship go. He has to re weave his life and his relationship to his life right now. Let him do it or not do it. For you, don't give in to the pull to "help" or "fix" him. Let it go and pat yourself on the back for not taking any BS from an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
I used to be that guy. I didn't drink the quantity your ex did, but have said things and done things that I usually didn't remember the next day. Sometimes, upon being reminded, I would recall what I had said and apologize.
I've ruined 2 relationships and a marriage to drinking, alienated my friends, and don't speak to my parents much.
I don't want to be that guy anymore. Your post is in many ways important for my recovery in that you describe in detail from a 'normal' perspective how someone in the grips of addiction can become, and I'll admit that I've been that way. Seems you are very patient and logical.
I can say all I want that it was the booze, but I decided to drink it, hence my actions are still my actions.
I wouldn't want to date myself, though I'm learning to respect and love myself more... Alcoholism is a rough card to be dealt.
I've ruined 2 relationships and a marriage to drinking, alienated my friends, and don't speak to my parents much.
I don't want to be that guy anymore. Your post is in many ways important for my recovery in that you describe in detail from a 'normal' perspective how someone in the grips of addiction can become, and I'll admit that I've been that way. Seems you are very patient and logical.
I can say all I want that it was the booze, but I decided to drink it, hence my actions are still my actions.
I wouldn't want to date myself, though I'm learning to respect and love myself more... Alcoholism is a rough card to be dealt.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
HI autumn
Wow you have been through a lot, and I commend you for trying to make things work when clearly you were at odds with what was happening.
So I think one of two things is going on.
1. He really feels the way he does when he expresses himself to you when he is drunk. His guard is let down, when normally he would think otherwise he lets his true feelings out.
2. While there may be some truth to these feelings (why else would he be saying these things?) he feels insecure with his own life and his job and his career and his co workers that he is taking it out on you. Maybe he likes the drama when he is drinking like something always has to go wrong and he has to fight it.
But whatever it is, you are right to have left and since he has not responded to your email (and you showed him your really cared) I believe he is not at his rock bottom. I think it is showing he values drinking more than you which totally sucks and I am really sorry you have found that out.
I wish you the best in your journey and I hope that you find what you are looking for. Thank you for sharing your story.
Wow you have been through a lot, and I commend you for trying to make things work when clearly you were at odds with what was happening.
So I think one of two things is going on.
1. He really feels the way he does when he expresses himself to you when he is drunk. His guard is let down, when normally he would think otherwise he lets his true feelings out.
2. While there may be some truth to these feelings (why else would he be saying these things?) he feels insecure with his own life and his job and his career and his co workers that he is taking it out on you. Maybe he likes the drama when he is drinking like something always has to go wrong and he has to fight it.
But whatever it is, you are right to have left and since he has not responded to your email (and you showed him your really cared) I believe he is not at his rock bottom. I think it is showing he values drinking more than you which totally sucks and I am really sorry you have found that out.
I wish you the best in your journey and I hope that you find what you are looking for. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
For me when I lashed out drunk, it was more a reflection of how I felt about myself. But that behavior was unacceptable and if it got to the point described here a person should have left me and never looked back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by sobersolstice 
I used to be that guy. I didn't drink the quantity your ex did, but have said things and done things that I usually didn't remember the next day. Sometimes, upon being reminded, I would recall what I had said and apologize.
I've ruined 2 relationships and a marriage to drinking, alienated my friends, and don't speak to my parents much.
I don't want to be that guy anymore. Your post is in many ways important for my recovery in that you describe in detail from a 'normal' perspective how someone in the grips of addiction can become, and I'll admit that I've been that way. Seems you are very patient and logical.
I can say all I want that it was the booze, but I decided to drink it, hence my actions are still my actions.
I wouldn't want to date myself, though I'm learning to respect and love myself more... Alcoholism is a rough card to be dealt.
I've ruined 2 relationships and a marriage to drinking, alienated my friends, and don't speak to my parents much.
I don't want to be that guy anymore. Your post is in many ways important for my recovery in that you describe in detail from a 'normal' perspective how someone in the grips of addiction can become, and I'll admit that I've been that way. Seems you are very patient and logical.
I can say all I want that it was the booze, but I decided to drink it, hence my actions are still my actions.
I wouldn't want to date myself, though I'm learning to respect and love myself more... Alcoholism is a rough card to be dealt.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the support. It means so much, as I'm sure you all know.
I think what I struggle with the most is how it went from feast to famine. Meaning, we went from being with each other daily, speaking so frequently, being intimate, to absolutely nothing. Sometimes I feel shocked and in disbelief that alcohol could be this important to someone. But I am learning that it is due to my lack of exposure and understanding of alcoholism. It does get a bit easier each day though...
I think what I struggle with the most is how it went from feast to famine. Meaning, we went from being with each other daily, speaking so frequently, being intimate, to absolutely nothing. Sometimes I feel shocked and in disbelief that alcohol could be this important to someone. But I am learning that it is due to my lack of exposure and understanding of alcoholism. It does get a bit easier each day though...
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