jeffrey542016

Well day 56 yaaaa!! I was out of my routine meeting last week due to a very bad cold, I currently have a temporary sponsor who i have a lot of respect for, but he is( which i didn't know ) that guy in the room i was warned about,while in rehab. you know that guy who has a lot of time under his belt ,and every look up to as if he is the poster child of AA. Granted he more then likely has earned this through his service and fellowship over the years.So here is the situation i was very early into my recovery and had attended this meeting a couple of times, during the meeting a gentleman who sat off to the side kept getting up and going out side(not in a disruptive manner and i really didn't pay it much mind). but after the meeting ,my now temporary sponsor approached me and introduced himself and began giving me advice on not to be like that guy. We talked for a while and since i was looking for someone to help me in this process i mention i was looking for a sponsor and was he available, he admittedly said he was not ready for such a responsibility. I thank him and i moved on.. got home he called and said he spoke with his sponsor and felt he would like to give it a try on a temporary basis, i agreed and we are here. Now as i said he is a nice guy and we have shared our stories with each other and he has even introduced me to a lot of members in the fellowship. he has also brought me to different meetings that i would other wise not be able to get to due to lack of transportation.So while i was dealing with this cold last week i had not venture to far from home and attended the local niner meeting and the high noon meetings in my area. Now as i have listen and understand the responsibility of the sponsee to the sponsor, i was lacking on the phone call piece, some of it was how i was feeling and part of it is i don't feel he has done much with me in the way of going through the steps, Yes we have talked about my struggle with step three and the difficulties i am having moving on too the next step. his only advice to me is take my time don't work anybody timeline but my own...OK.. Now he and i have had conversation but i feel they are mostly surface conversation, with no real meat and bone to them. He is also going through some medical stuff and upcoming procedures he will have to do ,and i have listed and offed my thoughts to him.So yesterday i attended the evening meeting and he was there ,now during my illness he and i talked briefly on the phone. but no meetings stuff only to wish me a speedy recovery and he missed me at meetings. I attended the evening yesterday and he was there so i sat next to him and he stated he was feeling that i was not calling him regularly to let him know what was going on with me,he then proceeded to state for him when he drops off from meetings his experience is that he drinks or has wanted to picks up.. Now he was definitely feeling so sort of way(resentment may be)I assured him that my illness and some other medical stuff going on with my significant other(which she has stress it be kept between me and her). And i had not,did not, don't feel the need to drink. He has also shared with other members of the fellowship what little he had known about what was going on with me( Which pissed me off) I ran into one of the guys at a local store and he(well it felt)like a confrontation,on what was going on and how a cold could not be the only reason for me not attending, and how we alcoholic are like cockroaches, now this person was also at the evening meeting and sat next to me and said while smiling "Its OK to raise your hand a say its my first day back in my recovery" IT,S NOT I HAVE 55 DAYS TODAY!! So needless to say i am felling a certain kinda way today and need to address this. I know i am the only one i have to be accountable to on this journey.I have no need to lie to anyone about my sobriety i am dead a,,, serious about this. and i truly feel if i drink it would be signing my suicide note. "I KNOW I HAVE ANOTHER DRINK IN ME,BUT I DON'T BELIEVE I HAVE ANOTHER RECOVERY IN ME" Have a blessed day ,and thank you for listening..

ScottFromWI

Congrats on day 56 Jeffery! Sounds to me like this particular person is not someone who should be sponsoring others at this time. I would politely tell him you'd like to find a different sponsor, and you could potentially contact his sponsor to let him know about your concerns as well.

biminiblue

I agree, congrats on your 55 days!

I don't have a sponsor. I don't even go to AA. I'm still sober.

Maudcat

Congratulations, jeffrey. Confidentiality is a keystone of 12 step fellowships,imo. Your sponsor should not have shared any information about you, however trivial it may have been. I'm echoing Scott. Be polite, but firm in telling him that you will be seeking a different sponsor. Don't be afraid to take your time. Finding a sponsor with whom to work the steps is not a small thing. Have you tried a step-study meeting? They can be helpful in meeting like-minded people.

Fly N Buy

This helped me at one point - perhaps you've seen it already?

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

Just FYI - there is a 12 step/AA forum that may get more responses from friends working the program. Resentment towards a sponsor is certainly not a unique experience. For me I am grateful I had that experience as it helped me begin to understand how to practice these principals in all my affairs. The rooms can be a teething experience, fortunately!

I found over time much how I perceived things/relationships changed drastically. I had to stay sober long enough to find that reality.

Great job on sober time, well done

48heath

Has this temporary sponsor worked all the steps and the traditions with his sponsor? I am not a fan of people sponsoring others when they are in early recovery themselves.It takes time to be well enough to sponsor others.

Anything told to a sponsor is confidential,that in itself is a good enough reason to drop this person.

There is a pamphlet on sponsorship,it can be found on-line.

Congratulations on your sober time.

Irnldy001

I agree with the previous posters. That is a real breach. Congrats on the 56 days! That is wonderful. As for the sponsor - you yourself said it was temporary. Perhaps thanks to all the meetings you've been to, you might have already met a different potential sponsor? Maybe someone with a lot of experience in sponsoring others before?
Also - remember it's AA. We are allowed to break up a sponsor agreement anytime we wish. You are not beholden to him.

entropy1964

" Does A.A. have a REAL leadership? The answer is "Yes, notwithstanding the apparent lack of it." Let's turn again to the deposed founder and his friends. What becomes of them? As their grief and anxiety wear away, a subtle change begins. Ultimately they divide into two classes known in A.A. slang as "elder statesmen" and "bleeding (bleating) deacons." The elder statesman is one who sees the wisdom of the group's decisions, who holds no resentment over his reduced status, whose judgement, fortified by considerable experience, is sound, and who is willing to sit quietly on the side lines patiently awaiting developments. The bleeding deacon is one who remains convinced that the group cannot get along without him, who constantly connives for re-election to office, and who continues to be consumed with self-pity. A few deacons hemorrhage so badly that they get drunk. At times the A.A. landscape seems to be littered with bleeding forms. Nearly every old-timer in our society has gone of through this process in some degree. " Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age.

Soooo your temp sponsor sounds like he hasn't crossed over into elder statesmen status. Talking of your personal business, nick picking for daily phone calls, basically 'managing' you? Ehem, he's missing the point.

Its hard not to let the actions and feelings of other affect me. Its easy to internalize what I think they think....feel less than. But thankfully I've learned not to do that anymore. His crap is his. Geez you're 56 days....just not drinking is an achievement.

Definitely find a new sponsor. And so ya know, you don't have to tell your sponsor anything if you're not ready. He's your guide, not your priest!

You're doing great. Let it go.

january161992

great job on 56 days

so much good said already

i also have had resentments towards my sponsor

the program says to pray for others

Berrybean

Just sounds to me like mostly just stuff that could have been avoided by him going through what he would expect from you if you want him to be your sponsor, but I suppose he's just finding that out himself if you're the first person he sponsored. It's hard to be a sponsor for the first time.

I too would expect someone to keep in regular contact with me if they want me to be their sponsor. Maybe not every day, but certainly a few times a week at first. If i dont get to know them there's a limit to how much I can help them through the steps so it is a pointless exercise. If you're not contacting him, how do you expect headway to be made on your step work? It's your step work so it's up to you to take the initiative and contact him about it. He's there to guide you, but if you don't contact him to talk and make arrangements to meet up and do this stuff, that's not his problem. And he's right, you're very early days to be getting stressed that you haven't got step 3 done and dusted yet.

I'd also expect a sponsee to let me know if they're not attending their regular meetings for some reason. If they didn't contact and were no show then I'd be worried that they'd gone back out.

But what I think is pretty unimportant as I'm neither the sponsee or sponsor in this arrangement. So, what do youthink he shouldbe doing differently?

As far as progressing with your step 3 work goes, I'd suggest getting to some big book study meetings and 12 and 12 study or discussion meetings. And read your literature. There's a lot to take in, process and apply to your own life and thinking, and that's stuff that can be done independently. It's an inside job - esp step 3. The speaker recordings were also really useful to me in getting to grips with many of the steps. This website has hundreds. They're free and organised into the different steps so it's easy to find ones that will be useful to you... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

In the meantime, please try to get rid of that resentment. It'll do you much more damage than any of the things listed in your OP, including someone telling someone else that you have a cold. As futile as the resentment prayer may seem, it seems to work a bit like carpet stain remover. It gets rid of it a bit at a time, til all of a sudden it's so light that you forget it's there.

'Dear God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of. So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself. Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person. I pray that they will receive everything they need. Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment.'* (BB, Freedom from Bondage:* 552)

I hope you and he can come to a mutually agreeable understanding, even if that is just that it's not working out and you need someone who will do or expect x, y, or z as is acceptable to you. I would say though that while I was very much concerned with what I wanted, my sponsor concerned herself with what I needed. I could easily get my wants and needs confused, and my sponsors way was definitely better for me than what I might have directed if she'd allowed me to call the shots (which thankfully she didn't). After all, the point of asking someone who has the sobriety we want, is that they show us how they achieved it, and we put faith in the program and do what they did, in the hopes of achieving what they achieved. Monkey see-monkey do. It's always going to be a leap of faith to a degree.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

jeffrey542016

Thank you all for your comments..You_Rock_

jeffrey542016

Thank you all..

fastfocus

Remember aa is full of "sick people trying to get well" just say thanks for your help so far but I don't want you to be my sponsor, I don't have a sponsor either and I'm sober, sometimes I use aa sometimes I don't, congratulations on 56 days.