CaptainM

Hi team,
A quick catch-up, Cliff Notes version. STBXAH and I have been married for 2 years, no kids. He comes from an alcoholic family and I saw "pink" flags before we got married, but I swear right after the vows all heck broke lose and I lost the man I married to alcohol. And I was totally an enabler (at the time thought I was being compassionate, eyes are open now). He also has depression, so every weekend he stayed in bed all day I thought it was because of depression, I've come to find out it's because he was just in constant drunk/hungover/drinking/drunk/hungover state for days on end. I thankfully found a great therapist to help me - and she suggested Al-Anon, that I finally went to after stbxah was caught drinking at work and sent to rehab/detox. After coming out, he told he our marriage was a reason he drank, he drank beers to come home to me each night and that he never liked my bubbly personality (ouch).

I left my STBXAH 6 weeks ago and am living with my parents (thank goodness they live in the town over and are super supportive). Three weeks ago stbxah got a DUI after crashing his car (another rock bottom? not sure this will be his last?). He says he is now going to AA but I have no proof/haven't asked for it. Since the DUI, he has said he now realizes what a mess he has caused and is missing me big time and sends frequent texts saying "I love and miss you" and that he had no idea how much he hurt me in the past. What he cannot wrap his head around is why I am not giving him another chance now that "everything is out in the open" I've reminded him that he's had 100s of chances. In fact, we were about to go to couples therapy, but had to cancel due to his DUI arrest. While we were together he treated so poorly - a lot of the same terrible stuff I've seen on SR. The biggest is that I compromised some of my core values while being with him and totally lost the confident woman I once was. I have made up my mind to leave him because I want off this roller coaster and I do not want children with this man.

Yesterday I was feeling good. Thanks in large part to reading some great posts on here and a strong Al-Anon meeting, I was feeling confident. Which is good, because I'm slated to see stbxah tomorrow night for coffee... he wants to talk and see what my thoughts are now (haven't changed!).

Here's where my balloon popped - he texted me last night saying that he loves and misses me and that he's lonely because I made the house a home. I teared up... but not because I miss him, but because I feel bad for him... he is broken.

I see my therapist tonight (good timing!) and will talk things through with her. I want to go No Contact after tomorrow because every text I get from him stings and pops that balloon. I've worked hard to get back to the old me - the one that realized I need my own recovery because of all the damage caused. I'm tempted to cancel tomorrow night, but I feel like I need to nip this in the bud and stop giving him false hope that our marriage has a chance (I have an attorney and am marching forward). I need to tell him we're done.

I welcome any advice - thank you!

Maudcat

Sounds like you are on the right path, CaptainM. Lots of posters in situations similar to yours found no contact to be the way to go, at least early on. Maybe the ex is truly broken. Maybe he just wants things the way they were because it's comfortable...for him. Hang in there, and keep wearing your confidence coat.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics cling like hell to their enablers, they want to maintain the status quo. I'd cancel the meeting, you don't owe him that, and go to an Alanon meeting instead. He doesn't understand that he must earn your trust and respect and that takes time.

ladyscribbler

Divorcing someone is pretty final. Unless that person is an alcoholic in denial. Continued contact and meetings just give him more opportunities to manipulate you. I found some magic words that helped me were, "Have your lawyer speak to my lawyer about that." He never did, but he did eventually give up trying to push my buttons, and he certainly wasn't going to spend money to do it, lol.

I used to feel like I somehow owed my ex , but like yours, he had hundreds of chances to actually do the right thing. He would occasionally go through the motions to maintain the status quo where all his needs were met, but that was about it. I owed myself the opportunity for peace and serenity. I also had to let go of the idea that he would ever see things my way.

Maybe he should have coffee with his sponsor tonight. They can have a good, long talk about acceptance.

FireSprite

It's only been a few weeks & you are married so I can kinda understand the need for an actual meeting. (But you'd be well within your rights to simply go NC as the others suggested & skip the formality of this one last meeting.)

It's only been a couple of weeks since he's dealing with what is essentially court-imposed attention to his addiction. None of what he says talks about committing to real sobriety & even IF he has 3 full weeks sober right now, he's too early in recovery to know anything about where things are going for him. I think he's scared & feeling out of control & grasping onto any kind of familiarity to make it easier on himself.... too much uncertainty & fear on his plate right now. He's got legal problems & job issues & wants you there to support him through it --- in *my* interpretation of what you shared.

1 - Because hope is not a Plan.

2 - Couples therapy with an active addict is like trying to nail jello to a tree - impossible. He has to fix himself before he has something to bring to the table in marriage counseling, IMHO.

I think you sound very confident & aware, stay strong!!

atalose

In my opinion, if you are feeling “weak” because of the emotions he stirs up in you with his words then meeting him face to face could be the worst thing you do for yourself. Keep reminding yourself this is about YOU not about him or his feelings, his brokenness, his manipulations etc.

Just about every single codie (including myself) who said “It’s over, I’m done, never going back” then met up with their partners, ended up staying some more because they felt sorry, felt like THIS TIME they really mean it and are going to seek help.

It mirrors the alcoholic who says, I’m going to quit after tomorrow, one more beer, one more drink…one more tomorrow.

Please discuss with your therapist how you feel weak from his “words” and how meeting him in person might affect you.

biminiblue

I'm an alcoholic in recovery.

My take on his actions are exactly what FireSprite says here:

I would add from the alcoholic's point of view that if indeed he is not drinking (or even if he's just cutting back - which is likely) his emotions and ability to be comfortable in his own skin are/is all out of whack right now.

It took me many months of full and complete abstinence/sobriety before I was able to be stable in my emotions. Before then I was all over the place emotionally. Crying one minute and anger the next - and I really had NO control over it. That's part of the physical damage done by alcohol, and it doesn't get better any time soon.

I would absolutely go no contact and continue on the course of divorce. IF he stays sober (which is a huge gamble, and the deck is stacked against him) then maybe someday you two can start over.

I hope you will listen to that little voice within and do what is right for you, not what he thinks you should do. This is all fear on his part - grasping for something comfortable in his shifting world. You're his teddy bear.

CaptainM

I am blown away by all of your advice and thoughtfulness to respond. Wow. I'm reading and re-reading and cannot thank you enough.

FireSprite & biminiblue - Really helped put things into perspective. I'm trying hard to listen to my little voice - it's been yelling at my to leave for quite some time.

NYC, Lady, Maud - thank you, thank you, thank you.

atalose - I plan to talk about this tonight w/my therapist - at the top of the hour!

Lilro

You want my advice? Don't go.
Why? What for? It doesn't sound to me like you owe him any courtesies.
Why wouldn't he love and miss you??
Go back into my threads to the one that's called " the countdown is on". I too felt that I had to meet face to face. Big mistake. Ya know what that did for me? Pulled me back into the craziness.
I know you already know what you need to do for YOU. Just do it! Let your silence be your voice and let your attorney do the talking.
Big hug. I know it s@cks.
Ro

firebolt

No contact was the only way I could get a enough room to clear my head of all of XABF's 'noise.' Now, running up on a year of no contact, I can CLEARLY see that we really don't have much in common....and most importantly, I am happy and have a fulfilling, PEACEFUL life!!

Lilro

Amen to that Firebolt!!

maia1234

Cm,
You are a very smart lady. You realize his manipulation of you. I would tell him that you are working your program and need some time. Tell him when you are ready you will contact him, and tell him to please not call. Block him from all social media, email and phone. Tell friends and family who want to gossip that you don't want to hear about him. It is very difficult to get rid of an addict, especially if you continue engaging.

Best thing I ever did at 1 3/4 years post divorce was go no contact. It is freeing, not to have to deal with self centered addicts. Hugs my friend, we r here for you.

CaptainM

Thank you all again so much.
We did briefly meet yesterday - I got my mail from the him and I told him that I am going No Contact. He dished out blame for us ending and I told him I would not tolerate it. Asked for a 2nd chance, I laughed (couldn't help it) and said " do you mean 102nd?". Said he really wants to fix it, I told him we're both on journeys to fix ourselves, and that my priority is me.
The meeting wasn't easy, but it felt like closure.
As we left I saw his brand new car - he totalled his car during his DUI accident - and told me "Yeah, it ended up working in my favor. I got a top of the line new version." I was speechless. A DUI worked in your favor!? Oh my... you have a long way to go.
He also broke No Contact w/in 5 hours. Wow. Staying strong and not responding.

Thanks again to everyone here - your wise words and reminders helped me feel prepared and confident yesterday. Maudcat, I actually wore one of my favorite jackets as a reminder of my "confidence coat"

firebolt

GOOD FOR YOU! No contact is the quickest, most direct route to peace and healing. <3 It'll be hard at times, but 90 days from now you're going to feel like a new person!

You can rename that jacket the "I'm a friggin warrior" coat!