My love Is killing me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: mississippi
Posts: 182
My love Is killing me?
I love to reflect. Reflecting on my life is pathetic because I haven't really done anything spectacular, nonetheless I do it, because it feels good. Since I was old enough to talk an adult into buying me booze, I've been enjoying and suffering the effects.
My absolute most favorite thing to do is sit in my car early evening and listen to music, since my early teens. I've always lived in a rural area, meaning it's acceptable to blare music loud as I want at any time. Anyway, I do that, when I drink. Only when I drink do I do that. It's not so much enjoyable elsewise. But I love it, more than anything. Nothing has ever made me feel better. I'm not saying its better than my first love, or my childrens birth or anything, but it seems the feeling I get from those only last a little while, or at least for moments at a time.
Years have past since my childhood days when I would finish my chores and go for a walk out into a field of soy beans or cotton or whatever and sit there and listen to cds i had stolen or burned from napster. Lol remember napster and limewire? Good ole days i guess. Anyway i always, had a pint of liquor, of some sort. I liked gin best, still do. But to sit there getting drunk and watching the sun set over a dusty mississippi field while the tractors harvested the summer crops....I just haven't been able to top that feeling. I brought my first love there years later and relived it with her.
Thats why I continue to try to bring back those memories. I love them. I can't let go of them. They make me feel warm inside.
On the other hand, alcohol is killing me. I've been told by my doc not to drink another drop (I'm sure he tells everyone that). My parents don't hastle me about it because I told them it helps me cope and they believe that for some reason,. My friends think drinking is necessary to deal with stresses, yet they drink 1/8 the amount I do.
Thing is, I dont really even know what question to ask. I just know I have a lot of questions. I know I have a problem.
If anyone can relate, and want to talk about it please do. And share your early experiences with alcohol if you want. I just need someone to relate to.
Edit: I realize this post is all over the place and messy after rereading. I apologize.
My absolute most favorite thing to do is sit in my car early evening and listen to music, since my early teens. I've always lived in a rural area, meaning it's acceptable to blare music loud as I want at any time. Anyway, I do that, when I drink. Only when I drink do I do that. It's not so much enjoyable elsewise. But I love it, more than anything. Nothing has ever made me feel better. I'm not saying its better than my first love, or my childrens birth or anything, but it seems the feeling I get from those only last a little while, or at least for moments at a time.
Years have past since my childhood days when I would finish my chores and go for a walk out into a field of soy beans or cotton or whatever and sit there and listen to cds i had stolen or burned from napster. Lol remember napster and limewire? Good ole days i guess. Anyway i always, had a pint of liquor, of some sort. I liked gin best, still do. But to sit there getting drunk and watching the sun set over a dusty mississippi field while the tractors harvested the summer crops....I just haven't been able to top that feeling. I brought my first love there years later and relived it with her.
Thats why I continue to try to bring back those memories. I love them. I can't let go of them. They make me feel warm inside.
On the other hand, alcohol is killing me. I've been told by my doc not to drink another drop (I'm sure he tells everyone that). My parents don't hastle me about it because I told them it helps me cope and they believe that for some reason,. My friends think drinking is necessary to deal with stresses, yet they drink 1/8 the amount I do.
Thing is, I dont really even know what question to ask. I just know I have a lot of questions. I know I have a problem.
If anyone can relate, and want to talk about it please do. And share your early experiences with alcohol if you want. I just need someone to relate to.
Edit: I realize this post is all over the place and messy after rereading. I apologize.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
The most positive memories of drinking I have from my time at my first university when I lived on my own for the first time. I loved to sit on my balcony in the evening, drink a bottle of wine maybe smoke some weed and watch the nightsky.
Most of my drinking was different though. Often I would use the alcohol like a pain killer, just to get relief and make the pain inside go away. I started drinking regularly at the age of 12/13 and did so every weekend cause my parents divorce left me so confused and depressed. I loved that it made me forget about all that for a bit.
It's not long ago I realised I had to quit drinking and sometimes I'm still struggling to accept it. That it's over already. Something that became so important to me and was simply a big part of my life. A friend that I could rely on.
I have problems with letting go but it's getting easier every day. And I try to see it as if that "friend" I thought alcohol was, lied to me and betrayed me. Would I be sad that the friendship ended? Yes! Would I miss the good memories? Yes, of course! But would I want to continue being friends with someone, relying on them (and that's what I did) when I know they're not to trust? NO WAY! It's over! That might be hard to accept at times but there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to let go. It's our decision if we want to live our lives looking back and missing something that's gone for good or if we want to let go and see what good things life has to offer to us
Most of my drinking was different though. Often I would use the alcohol like a pain killer, just to get relief and make the pain inside go away. I started drinking regularly at the age of 12/13 and did so every weekend cause my parents divorce left me so confused and depressed. I loved that it made me forget about all that for a bit.
It's not long ago I realised I had to quit drinking and sometimes I'm still struggling to accept it. That it's over already. Something that became so important to me and was simply a big part of my life. A friend that I could rely on.
I have problems with letting go but it's getting easier every day. And I try to see it as if that "friend" I thought alcohol was, lied to me and betrayed me. Would I be sad that the friendship ended? Yes! Would I miss the good memories? Yes, of course! But would I want to continue being friends with someone, relying on them (and that's what I did) when I know they're not to trust? NO WAY! It's over! That might be hard to accept at times but there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to let go. It's our decision if we want to live our lives looking back and missing something that's gone for good or if we want to let go and see what good things life has to offer to us
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Fleeing Temptation in PTZ
Posts: 168
I'm in the 7% US alcoholic addictive-personality minority.
The other 93% normal aren't so challenged.
I enable myself by dropping the FALSE BELIEF that I need poison booze.
I DON'T NEED IT!
I NEED A SATISIFING SOBER LIFE.
Free and clear.
.
.
.
The other 93% normal aren't so challenged.
I enable myself by dropping the FALSE BELIEF that I need poison booze.
I DON'T NEED IT!
I NEED A SATISIFING SOBER LIFE.
Free and clear.
.
.
.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: mississippi
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal 
The most positive memories of drinking I have from my time at my first university when I lived on my own for the first time. I loved to sit on my balcony in the evening, drink a bottle of wine maybe smoke some weed and watch the nightsky.
Most of my drinking was different though. Often I would use the alcohol like a pain killer, just to get relief and make the pain inside go away. I started drinking regularly at the age of 12/13 and did so every weekend cause my parents divorce left me so confused and depressed. I loved that it made me forget about all that for a bit.
It's not long ago I realised I had to quit drinking and sometimes I'm still struggling to accept it. That it's over already. Something that became so important to me and was simply a big part of my life. A friend that I could rely on.
I have problems with letting go but it's getting easier every day. And I try to see it as if that "friend" I thought alcohol was, lied to me and betrayed me. Would I be sad that the friendship ended? Yes! Would I miss the good memories? Yes, of course! But would I want to continue being friends with someone, relying on them (and that's what I did) when I know they're not to trust? NO WAY! It's over! That might be hard to accept at times but there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to let go. It's our decision if we want to live our lives looking back and missing something that's gone for good or if we want to let go and see what good things life has to offer to us
Most of my drinking was different though. Often I would use the alcohol like a pain killer, just to get relief and make the pain inside go away. I started drinking regularly at the age of 12/13 and did so every weekend cause my parents divorce left me so confused and depressed. I loved that it made me forget about all that for a bit.
It's not long ago I realised I had to quit drinking and sometimes I'm still struggling to accept it. That it's over already. Something that became so important to me and was simply a big part of my life. A friend that I could rely on.
I have problems with letting go but it's getting easier every day. And I try to see it as if that "friend" I thought alcohol was, lied to me and betrayed me. Would I be sad that the friendship ended? Yes! Would I miss the good memories? Yes, of course! But would I want to continue being friends with someone, relying on them (and that's what I did) when I know they're not to trust? NO WAY! It's over! That might be hard to accept at times but there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to let go. It's our decision if we want to live our lives looking back and missing something that's gone for good or if we want to let go and see what good things life has to offer to us
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: mississippi
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
For me romanticising alcohol is not healthy.
It's not healthy, I agree, but probably better than actually consuming it.
I'm new to this and very ignorant and fragile. I'm learning.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 280
i know
Originally Posted by csaw1112
I love to reflect. Reflecting on my life is pathetic because I haven't really done anything spectacular, nonetheless I do it, because it feels good. Since I was old enough to talk an adult into buying me booze, I've been enjoying and suffering the effects.
My absolute most favorite thing to do is sit in my car early evening and listen to music, since my early teens. I've always lived in a rural area, meaning it's acceptable to blare music loud as I want at any time. Anyway, I do that, when I drink. Only when I drink do I do that. It's not so much enjoyable elsewise. But I love it, more than anything. Nothing has ever made me feel better. I'm not saying its better than my first love, or my childrens birth or anything, but it seems the feeling I get from those only last a little while, or at least for moments at a time.
Years have past since my childhood days when I would finish my chores and go for a walk out into a field of soy beans or cotton or whatever and sit there and listen to cds i had stolen or burned from napster. Lol remember napster and limewire? Good ole days i guess. Anyway i always, had a pint of liquor, of some sort. I liked gin best, still do. But to sit there getting drunk and watching the sun set over a dusty mississippi field while the tractors harvested the summer crops....I just haven't been able to top that feeling. I brought my first love there years later and relived it with her.
Thats why I continue to try to bring back those memories. I love them. I can't let go of them. They make me feel warm inside.
On the other hand, alcohol is killing me. I've been told by my doc not to drink another drop (I'm sure he tells everyone that). My parents don't hastle me about it because I told them it helps me cope and they believe that for some reason,. My friends think drinking is necessary to deal with stresses, yet they drink 1/8 the amount I do.
Thing is, I dont really even know what question to ask. I just know I have a lot of questions. I know I have a problem.
If anyone can relate, and want to talk about it please do. And share your early experiences with alcohol if you want. I just need someone to relate to.
Edit: I realize this post is all over the place and messy after rereading. I apologize.
My absolute most favorite thing to do is sit in my car early evening and listen to music, since my early teens. I've always lived in a rural area, meaning it's acceptable to blare music loud as I want at any time. Anyway, I do that, when I drink. Only when I drink do I do that. It's not so much enjoyable elsewise. But I love it, more than anything. Nothing has ever made me feel better. I'm not saying its better than my first love, or my childrens birth or anything, but it seems the feeling I get from those only last a little while, or at least for moments at a time.
Years have past since my childhood days when I would finish my chores and go for a walk out into a field of soy beans or cotton or whatever and sit there and listen to cds i had stolen or burned from napster. Lol remember napster and limewire? Good ole days i guess. Anyway i always, had a pint of liquor, of some sort. I liked gin best, still do. But to sit there getting drunk and watching the sun set over a dusty mississippi field while the tractors harvested the summer crops....I just haven't been able to top that feeling. I brought my first love there years later and relived it with her.
Thats why I continue to try to bring back those memories. I love them. I can't let go of them. They make me feel warm inside.
On the other hand, alcohol is killing me. I've been told by my doc not to drink another drop (I'm sure he tells everyone that). My parents don't hastle me about it because I told them it helps me cope and they believe that for some reason,. My friends think drinking is necessary to deal with stresses, yet they drink 1/8 the amount I do.
Thing is, I dont really even know what question to ask. I just know I have a lot of questions. I know I have a problem.
If anyone can relate, and want to talk about it please do. And share your early experiences with alcohol if you want. I just need someone to relate to.
Edit: I realize this post is all over the place and messy after rereading. I apologize.
Your post quite accurately described how I feel too. I've been binge drinking since 18. Im 40 now and still struggling. Beer was always with me through every phase of life. God times with friends, social gatherings with family, college etc. It has for the most part been associated wit some of the best memories I have. Almost every memory Ive had actually since I was 18.
And that's what started scaring me. What is real? Since 18 I have been sugar coating and padding reality. I haven't been living my own life! I have been in a semi aware dream (turning into a nightmare for the last 2 years) that's been full of blackouts. When I was younger (20-30) people I didn't know would come up and talk to me all the time like they knew me. Because they did. I couldn't remember.
I eased off in my 30s because of marriage and children. But still binged every week or twice a week.
However, its been getting very clear to me now that I just cant live like this. Last month I looked at my phone and to my horror realized I had a 20 minute Skype conversation with my sister the night before. I do not remember a thing!
I want REAL life. I want to be clear headed and engaged. I have made the decision that I want sobriety more than ever now even if it sucks and im depressed all the time because at least it will be real. Not an illusion.
I think people like us are scared because we don't know what a sober life looks like, or feels like. It's the fear of the unknown I guess.
But the SR community is great. I know I wont be walking alone. It will be excruciatingly hard.. but I know I just cant go back to the way things were.
I wish you the very best
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
It's like a toxic relationship, or an abusive one.
It's natural for most of us to wonder if there was something we could have been done to make it non toxic or non abusive.
For those of us who've been through a toxic or abusive relationship, we know that there was nothing we could do - too many things were beyond our power to change. I had no power in an abusive relationship until I walked away.
You can miss an abusive partner too - until you finally move on and realise just how sick and destructive that attachment is/was.
Move on csaw - for your own good, man.
D
It's natural for most of us to wonder if there was something we could have been done to make it non toxic or non abusive.
For those of us who've been through a toxic or abusive relationship, we know that there was nothing we could do - too many things were beyond our power to change. I had no power in an abusive relationship until I walked away.
You can miss an abusive partner too - until you finally move on and realise just how sick and destructive that attachment is/was.
Move on csaw - for your own good, man.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 483
All of us have the good memories with booze. The problem though is soon it stops being good memories, takes whatever in your life your willing to give it and will not stop till it does kill you. When it gets the hooks into you and your addicted to it, you can still find yourself chasing the good feelings that it temporarily gave you when you started. I too drank to forget, drank to remember, drank to cope and soon found myself drinking to not detox and found myself drinking to live. It only gets worse. Please do yourself a favor and stop if it's got ahold of you and not the other way around. Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Watching sunset while listening to music in a rural setting sounds beautiful - there is no reason you cannot enjoy doing that sober. I know it does not seem like it, but it is true.
I had similar fears when I first quit drinking, and have been delighted to discover that my sobriety enhances music - not the other way around.
I had similar fears when I first quit drinking, and have been delighted to discover that my sobriety enhances music - not the other way around.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by csaw1112
On the other hand, alcohol is killing me. I've been told by my doc not to drink another drop (I'm sure he tells everyone that) .
Your doctor told you not to drink for a reason. Maybe include that thought in your reflecting?
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