guilt is an awful thing

Old 10-31-2016, 01:03 PM
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Unhappy guilt is an awful thing

I started dating this guy over a year ago. He was a terrible boyfriend. Never wanted to spend time with me outside when he thought it was ok. The little things that make you feel special in a relationship just didn't matter...nor do they now--like hand holding and long good conversations and doing different things together, spontaneous activities. I should pre lude that I'm a co dependent. spent ten years married to an addict and it took me those full ten to leave him. We've been divorced for a couple years. Long story short, my boyfriend starts every date night with drinking. everything is drinking related. have to make it to happy hours on vacation. need a beer to losen up. have a good time. I'm not sure we've ever really had sober sex! He drinks probably 7 days a week and it's never just 1. He starts with two strong beers to get a buzz going and then drinks lighter beer to keep it going. he's not a mean guy. he kept me at a distance for a year, didn't want to spend time with my kids. was uninterested in anything I had to say or do. didn't want to meet my family or friends. everything revolved around him. I tried breaking up with him and he admitted to doing all that and that he would try harder. he even told me he loved me. I can't say I love you back. and I'm concerned that despite the 180 over the past three weeks, that it can't be sustained. I cant' decide if I'm being too critical or if my instincts are right. Why did it take me breaking up with him to wake him up? I don't even know why I stuck it out as long as I did. Now I feel responsible for his feelings. He has a good job, interests and hobbies...but with this kind of life style I'm not sure he'll be the man I need him to be for me and my kids. I can't stand that he has to have beer on sunday movie nights with my kids before the work week. I question if I'm being overly cautious because my kids' dad is an addict, or if I have a right to see these things as red flags. I don't know a time that we did something without alcohol starting it or ending it. if he was mean when he drank I'd not question it...but he's nice. Add on top of the alcohol is weed use...he's like a 20 year old college guy in a 40 year old mans body. he's never been married, this is his longest relationship ever--we are just over a year. I know I need to call it before it gets deeper...but I don't want to be wrong....I don't even know if I'm in the right place...
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Old 10-31-2016, 01:16 PM
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RED FLAGS - RED FLAGS - RED FLAGS

Trust your gut, this is NOT the man for you and especially NOT the man to have in your children's life.

Do yourself a favor and end this relationship, work on your codependency and never ever again settle for less then what you want and deserve.

We codies often keep trying to fit that square peg into the round hole then wonder why we are so unhappy in our relationships.
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Old 10-31-2016, 01:40 PM
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You are not overreacting, akgal. (welcome to SR). Imo, your instincts are right on point. Too much alcohol and weed going around with your guy. Run like a scalded dog.
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Old 10-31-2016, 02:11 PM
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Your instincts are good. To top that off, I am not sure you are happy with it otherwise. It is really hard to tell someone you have to move on. It is hard on either end. A long, long, tough relationship is much more damaging. Strength be with you.
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Old 10-31-2016, 02:54 PM
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He is bringing nothing to this relationship and you are doing all the work...that itself is a big red flag.

You deserve better, actually you deserve to be happy and have a peaceful life with or without anyone else sharing it. You alone hold the key to your happiness.

Your children deserve a happy and healthy home. They learn from what they see, so maybe let them see a strong mama who can live life on her own and who is selective on who she lets share it.

Hugs
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Old 10-31-2016, 03:17 PM
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akgal...

Welcome to the Board.

First things first...deep breath...relax...you're in the right place, and I'm glad you posted.

Now, regarding your ABF --

he's like a 20 year old college guy in a 40 year old mans body. he's never been married, this is his longest relationship ever--we are just over a year
-- take a step back and ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. I'd bet money the answer is an unequivocal no. But there is something that is precluding you from pulling the trigger and cutting him loose. There's where we come in. Now is a time you have to have your eyes and your mind open. It will help tremendously to learn about addiction and how our members have dealt with a loved one's addiction. It doesn't matter if that loved one is a boyfriend, a husband, a son, or a brother because the same principles will apply in all of those cases. And when you go through this process, my hope is you ask yourself some tough questions as to what has motivated you to stay as long as you have, and you're able to do this is a way that is constructive and non-judgmental.

In any event, you've found a good place. Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 10-31-2016, 03:48 PM
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thank you.

it is an unequivocal no.

I know this hands down.
He's nice enough.

I'm afraid of being alone. Considering I ended my marriage that destroyed my identity (he was an addict). The fall out was my co dependency. I'm so worried about everyone else I keep failing to see what I want. And I'm afraid to trust my gut instincts. My gut tells me that despite what might be ok for me, it's not really ok for my kiddos. And that's where I don't know how to end it with someone. I can't be with him because it's not good for my kids--my feelings aside, they need a good role model who gives selflessly to them.
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Old 10-31-2016, 04:04 PM
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I'm afraid of being alone.
There are worse things than being alone. I can tell you what they are.

When my AXGF ended things, I took that as an opportunity to reinvest in myself. Got my career back on track after it taking a hit after dealing with my AXGF's shenanigans, finished graduate school, and (when the timing was right) opened my heart to a woman who I'll likely be married to by this time next year.

But it was important for me to be alone for a while, and in this case "a while" meant nearly 4 years. I got honest with myself regarding my choices, and I learned how to be comfortable in my own skin I didn't need to date to feel complete.

What's worse than being alone? Being with someone who slowly kills your soul...
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Old 10-31-2016, 06:36 PM
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A thought of being alone does not frighten me one bit. In fact - I never wanted to get married....

Relationships are just too much work, I don't seem to attract right people - so until there is someone who improves my life and makes it easier - no game.

And yeah, time to say good bye to the man-child. These types annoy me so much. Ew.
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Old 11-01-2016, 07:29 AM
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I can't be with him because it's not good for my kids--my feelings aside, they need a good role model who gives selflessly to them.
Why do you want to blame your kids for this ill-fated relationship failure?

That’s not fair to them and it’s paving the way for lots of resentments down the road.

You are basically saying, it’s ok for him to treat me like crap but not my children. How about you become their role model and get yourself to NO it’s not ok how he treats me that I deserve far more then what he could possibly offer.
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Old 11-01-2016, 07:34 AM
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^^^^^^^yes!
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