joandmelandhan

I'm 45 years old. I've drank alcoholically for 15 years now I think. I have totally underestimated the level of my addiction. I utterly powerless and need help. That's the truth of it. Today I'm absolutely terrified. Terrified of what? Terrified of never getting sober and dying of this disease......that's the bottom line truth. I can't deny it any more. I don't think I've got any more relapses in me to be honest.
So here I am putting it out there so I can't hide from myself.

IcedVoVo

Jo,

This post really resonates with me. Thank you for your bravery, and honesty. This helps a lot.

For me, too, unless I look at this as a life-or-death situation, I will continue to go back to drinking. I am also in middle age and can not continue to drink or I will destroy my health, and lose my life. I don't want to die from this either. I have so many blessings, and good people in my life.

We do this together. We never have to go back to drinking. A happy life awaits us. All the work of recovery is still much easier than drinking. Drinking is hard.

joandmelandhan

Red we will do this together!!!!

Soulful23

I'm with you on this one! I told my husband this morning 'I don't think I can ever wake up this way again'. You are so brave to say it and I know that's a huge part of your path. Someone earlier said you have to want to quit more than continue. I feel like I'm there. How about you? Because I know that's the big question for me, I have been 'on the fence' about it for years. Once I even quit for a year, I was so healthy and happy. But then, I wanted to drink. I guess I never really want to quit more than continue. It's a disease of denial and amnesia, I'm so glad you posted this because it's that hard truth! Thank you and good luck.

IcedVoVo

Right on--we will!! Can't stand that misery another second!

So glad you feel the same way

joandmelandhan

Soulful thank you. There's no ifs or buts for me anymore. This disease will take my life if I carry on. Yes I'm terrified of what I've got to come over the next few days but that is the only way forward.......good luck to you too xx

joandmelandhan

It's a deal Red! I'm so pleased I found you again today xx

entropy1964

I completely relate. I'm quite sure I will die if I drink again...and maybe not right away. But slowly and miserably. Or I will hurt someone else....horrid thought. Unbearable.

I think being completely beat is not a bad thing. Its a beginning in my mind. Accountability is extremely important. Yes I have to want this for me, from inside me. But being accountable to you guys, to AA, to my daughter and my ex doesn't hurt. Coming here, going to meetings, going to my treatment center, meeting with my sponsor...all things that keep me mindful that I won't drink again.

You can do this. And you don't have to do this alone!

Oct142016

I can SO relate to this. I have been pretty heavy for the last 15 years - trying to stop for the last 6 or so years. I drank before that but not consistently.

I am late 40's and don't want to die either from this.

joandmelandhan

Thank you Frick. I don't trust myself without being accountable at the minute so this is my way I guess.....oh and congrats on 75 days!!!!

AbbyBC

44 years old here. Problems from drinking for 15 years. Even having had breast cancer, which I attribute my drinking to cause didn't stop my binges. Drank through chemo. Binged for these next 5 years.

In July I was arrested for a 4 year old warrant. For DUI. When I was arrested, I was at home, day 2 of my typical vodka binge. Spent the night in jail.

Haven't touched a drop since. It was truly my bottom. Drinking has wreaked havoc on my life. I didn't know how to stop. I figured I wasn't worth it. Overwhelmed by remorse and the regrets drinking caused me.

Almost 4 months sober now. It hasn't all been easy. But I'm committed to reclaiming my health and my life. I've made mistakes but I am learning how to forgive myself.

I know my story is not yours but I wanted to share.

You are worthy. Staying sober is work. Your whole life changes. It has to.

You are worth it.

joandmelandhan

Thank you Abby.......
God I'm in for the night from hell I think. I won't drink that is a FACT......it's got to start here and now.......

joandmelandhan

This has to be the last time I go through this........every minute feels like an hour.......terrified of going to bed as I know I'll have an awful night but it must be endured or I'll stay on this pit forever.

tomsteve

I had quite a few one second at a time minutes, but the fight was well worth it.

kk1k5x

Stay strong. Admitting there's a problem is the first big step and you've taken it like a champ. It isn't easy to admit what you have, but it is (to my mind) absolutely necessary. As long as one toys with the idea of 'well, maybe someday I can ... just one ..', the chances of staying committed are small. Cannot leave the door open for the monster to come crawling back in. I found accountability in doing daily posts. When you have made the commitment to write something about your day (even if it's just 'I just called ... to say .. I'm sober) in the evening, it makes staying away from booze easier. Especially early on.

I wish you strength and clarity of thought.

CaptainHaddock

Stay strong and keep posting every hour or even more often if you need to. As tomsteve said, for the first few days I kept counting my sober time by hours, not days. It starts getting better sooner rather than later, but then I'm sure you know that already. We are all fighting on the same side, and you'll never be alone.

Elke516

Hey ((((Jo))) so glad you're back, please join us in May class my courageous friend xxx

Hi everyone, congrats on your courage to admit that you need help! This is such a big step
Please post as much as you can, we're here to help and your posts will also help us!

One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Anna

Jo, I remember that feeling of every minute feeling like an hour. You're doing great and you can get past this and make it the last time you have to feel this way.

joandmelandhan

Thanks guys the anxiety is kicking in big time now. Just an hour to go then I can go to bed. I'll have a hot shower first it may relax me a little. Staying close to SR has helped today and for that I am grateful.

Flossyteacake

Hugs, Jo. I'm meant to be getting the smalls ready for school, so this is brief. But maybe have a look at the Smiling Mind mindfulness/meditation app. It's a handy little thing.