honeypig

I've been focusing intensely on the "nuts and bolts" of living here on my own for the past year--getting the driveway clear in the winter, keeping up w/the grass, weeds and trees in the summer, watching my income and expenses nervously since I was unfamiliar w/the finances (XAH handled, and lied about). It's been a good experience. I feel a lot more confident than I used to about that aspect of things.

Lately, though, I've been feeling tired, unable to get much done, overwhelmed. I'm doing my best to be responsible, and it seems that what I "should" or "need to" get done eats up every second of time and particle of energy. I struggle w/taking time to do things that I want to do, always telling myself "AFTER you finish all your other work, you can (spin, crochet, rearrange your meditation space, do some other enjoyable activity)." Not surprisingly, I don't often get to that place where everything is done. I'm beating myself up over this, calling myself lazy and inept, listening to that little voice saying "see, he was right, you CAN'T handle it on your own, it's too much, you're not up to it."

And then I picked up a book at the local library called "A Big New Free Happy Unusual Life: Self Expression and Spiritual Practice for Those Who Have Time for Neither" by Nina Wise. And yesterday I followed a whole bunch of her suggestions--I sang in my car and around my house. I danced in between household tasks.

And without making myself wait until "everything else is done", I took the time to arrange some dried weeds I'd brought back from a walk and admired the result. Really, it was very nice, sparse, elegant, graceful and kind of Oriental flower arrangement-ish. This is something I never would have told you I could do, b/c I didn't know I could. And maybe I can never do it again...but b/c I did take that little window of time for myself, even when "everything else" wasn't done, I got to create and enjoy something beautiful, something that feeds my soul when I look at it, something that really is a gift from the Universe, working thru my hands.

I'd love to hear from others here about how they balance "what's got to get done" with "what I want to do." How do you think about this aspect of life? How do you make the plodding, steadfast, workhorse part of your brain leave room for the hummingbird that hovers in your heart? Do you have any special practices or habits that help? Or do you struggle in the trenches like me? Either way, I'd love it if you'd share.

Seren

Hi HP!

I'm afraid I have no helpful suggestions--because I'm feeling exactly the same way.

I live by myself now, too. Tomorrow will be one year since my husband passed. My life is taken up with all the 'need to do' lists of housework, bills, clearing out his old office/lab, yardwork, etc., with no time or energy for the 'want to do' things. I am exhausted and frankly not very happy.

I just wanted to let you know that I get it! I also firmly believe that things will get better--somehow!!

honeypig

Seren, hugs and warm thoughts on the anniversary of your husband's passing. I'm sure you'll have some hard days coming up. Know that I'll light my little lamp for you for the next several days.



Like you, I'm certain we'll both find an answer to balancing got to and love to. It's just going to take some patience, persistence, and careful listening, I think...

Seren

Thank you, HP! Maybe dealing with major life changes is like learning a new job. Once you get the hang of it, you find ways to make things go more smoothly and time will free up a bit for those activities that fill the soul. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway

Maudcat

Hi, Seren and honeypig. Seren, I am very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. Sending you warm thoughts. Honeypig, I appreciate your thoughtful post. Loved the zen elements of the plant arrangement. I don't have advice, but I sure do understand what you are saying. Difficult sometimes to stop and smell those dang roses. Peace.

Praying

I go through ups and downs in this regard. I just went through a few months where things kept going wrong with my sinks. One by one I researched and replaced various faucet pieces and had non-working faucets for a while in different locations. I'm down to one taken apart in my bathroom...and just walked in the other day to the tub drain broken in my awesome bathtub...I think I need to pull off the marble to access it...so I just stopped for a while. Both are not working, it's not ideal, but I'm tired of fixing things. I haven't put my laundry away in weeks.

One thing I do constantly that you may have already done is taken a fresh look at what I really need to do. My standards have dipped but nobody's hurt for it. And I continually reassess this over time because I keep realizing there are more ways to free myself.

But I definitely still have moments of "it's only me taking care of everything". It's when I feel so overwhelmed like that, that I usually pick one thing that MUST be done then, and take the evening off to play. Strangely, the burden doesn't get a whole lot bigger and I feel a whole lot better.

The phrase "nobody dies with their inbox empty" has helped me recognize that I may never catch up at work or at home, and it'll be fine. (Lol, because I'll die and it'll be someone else's problem.)

But I know the feeling. I recently thought about moving to a smaller place. Then considered renting a room to someone...I haven't done either.

It's a beautiful day today where I'm at, so I'm planning to get some playing in. I hope you can too!

Maudcat

I know, Praying! My aged mom is still living in her house. She and my dad, passed away 10 years ago, weren't big on improvements. So...outdated plumbing, cedar shingles really should be replaced, etc., etc. last week, hot water at every sink but the tub. WTH? This week, upstairs toilet leaking. New toilet. Going to replace the downstairs toilet as well. Similar vintage. It's just a matter of time. We had to have her brick front porch replaced this summer cuz mail carrier couldn't go up unsafe, cracked, broken steps. Venting phone call to my sib, "That freakin' (not freakin, the f-bomb, but keeping it clean here) house!!!" The ironic part is my mother, who has dementia, has a constant riff about how the house is too much for her and she should go into a nursing home. She wouldn't like it and she would miss her cat. So...I go on being her general contractor in hope of keeping her in familiar surroundings as long as possible. . I'm okay with it most of the time, venting call aside, and I'm good at it. The blessing here is that my parents were children of the Depression, very frugal and amazing savers, so there is money for repairs. Good luck with the bathroom. Never rains but pours.

DesertEyes

Goodness, I have a very hard time with exactly this issue. One of my "character defects" as an ACoA is that I easily slide into over-working, over-responsible, over-dependable. In my case it is because my self-esteem is tangled up with being "different" than my alcoholic family of origin.

Where they were completely irresponsible and undependable I reacted into adulthood by beint the total oposite of them. What I have learned is that being oposite is just as unhealthy, just a different extreme. It is _balance_ that is healthy, not the extremes.

Finding that balance is something I still struggle with. I don't have any kind of internal measure to tell me when to stop and take a little time for me. My sponsor taught me to be creative and use my character defects as assets, so I use my need to be over-organized and I _schedule_ time for me.

No, really. I have a calendar where I keep track of all that stuff I must do, and it includes a scheduled time for _not_ doing all that stuff. I schedule what I am going to do for me, go out for a walk, go to the antiques shop, read a fun book, listen to music, work on a hobby.

i.e.: I have 2 hours on Sunday that I spend restoring antique cameras and listening to Klingon opera.

( I know, it's kinda weird. Just ask Seren, she thinks my taste in music is a tad peculiar )

Some weekends I don't do so well and skip the "me" time, but most of the time I stick to the program. So far it's working great.

Mike

Nata1980

Can totally relate

I have some weeks that are better, some are worse

This past week with wisdom teeth extraction and XAH hovering around for two weekends in a row I feel worn out

So right now I and DS are watching cartoons, under big fluffy blankets

Overall, I get more done now because I don't worry about XAH moods, state of sobriety, whether he is in good shape to look after DS, etc

I do make sure that I get at least 30 min of excercise per day - sometime it is something I love to do, other times I must do it.

Maudcat

Klingon opera? In triguing. Must google it.

Seren

You know I love you and your Klingon Opera more than my own luggage, Mike!

I just may never go to one of those operas with you in person

DesertEyes

Here you go:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kjmjkKjXo8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W39WaGTPnvg

Mike

DesertEyes

You wouldn't !!!! But you'd make such a great Klingon Queen !!!

Mike

biminiblue

May I suggest condo living? It cuts down on that To Do list enormously.

When I got divorced I was in a three bedroom/big yard house. It took me three years of living there before I said, "Hey. I don't want all this. I don't need all this, let someone else take care of this." I moved into my small condo, alone, (500 SF) in 1992. I don't regret it very often. It made me pare down my ridiculous amount of belongings (gave most of them away) and only keep what is important.

I now have a To Do list that will still never get done, but I feel like it could get done and still allow me time to make beautiful things. I just don't care about most of the stuff that much - like keeping everything perfect? I really don't have time for that. God loves me just as I am. Dirty windows and all.

Sober'sBest

'Plug into' good wows that change and enthusiastically lead ones life.

Till then, I find caffeine helps in the search.
.
.

honeypig

I know that moving may be in the cards at some point, bimini, but I'm not ready for that yet. I have 2 dogs and likely will ALWAYS want dogs in my life, so there's that to consider as far as moving to a condo or apartment. I love the birds at my feeders and the woodchuck who lives out in the falling-down shed. I love the giant cedar trees and the ancient pine to the north of the house. This is an old farmhouse, well over 100 years old, and in my family since the late 1930's, so there is a historical/family aspect too. Since the land is now zoned "light industrial", the trees and house will almost certainly be demolished when I sell.

I feel like one of those people who has a cabin "Up North" where all they ever do is rush up there to work on it or maintain it but never seem to have enough time to ENJOY it...

I understand that being a homeowner w/an old house and a big lot is going to be a lot of work. However, as I said above, I have some strong reasons to stay here. Moving will be the last resort; I'll try everything else first.

And yes, I'm gradually becoming OK w/the house being more messy. At first, I really tried to keep everything "just so"--it seemed important to me, maybe just b/c having some kind of control calmed my anxiety about being alone or b/c it was a way of showing myself that I wasn't going to fall apart w/o XAH. I'm gradually becoming OK w/less order--I remind myself that the reason for unfinished business and disorder in my house is b/c I'm busy doing things and living my life, not trying to keep everything static and perfect. Looking for balance in this area too...

Maudcat

Houses and neighborhoods are so interesting. Our house in pa was built in 1945. It was a sweet brick tudor with lots of charming built-ins, a lovely, private yard in a great neighborhood, with wonderful neighbors. But...for whatever reason, entertaining was a challenge, as was cleaning it. And the house itself was. not. quite. big. enough. Now we live in an expanded cape with an open floor plan. Entertaining is easy. Cleaning is easy. The yard is, well, meh, but I'm working on it. Our neighbors, well. Standoffish doesn't begin to describe it. I have never met such an unfriendly group ever. I mean, I get the New England reserve thing. i grew up here. This is more than reserve. They are just not nice. Sad, really.

Maudcat

I am not ready for condo living yet, either. But if dealing with my mother's wreck of a house is any lesson, I hope I will get myself situated in a safe, easy to navigate place well before I absolutely must.

Seren

Bim, I have turned my mind to living someplace smaller. But for now, this is my home. And hey, I own a chainsaw now! Yes, I own a Husqvarna, and I'm not afraid to use it! OK, well, maybe I am sometimes a little afraid

Yes, I do live a pretty well-caffeinated life!



OK, OK, I'll go! lol! But one of us would have to make a pretty serious road trip!

FireSprite

Love this post honeypig! I definitely struggle with allowing myself time for creativity. I'm learning how to value it equally but it is HARD. Brene talks a lot about this being something that needs to be cultivated in those of us that either don't have the ability naturally or have gone so long without valuing it that we have to re-learn it.

Becoming more comfortable leaving things undone continues to be a challenge for me - but that's where my "2-Do" list comes in handy. For newbies - this is an exercise where my To-Do list contains only the 2 most important things I need to accomplish for the day. Often I finish them easily & don't seem so overwhelmed & then as I get more done during the day, it gets added to the list after-the-fact. That way it gets immediately crossed out & at the end of the day I'm AMAZED at how much I really DID get done...... so knowing that I didn't finish my laundry or dishes seems like no biggie at all, in perspective. I get to focus on my accomplishments, not my yet-to-do's.

I am a HUGE fan of car-dancing. I create feel-good song lists & dance and sing during my commutes. It is entirely silly & I cannot help but smile when I'm doing it. (And it's fun getting others to join in, lol!)

It helps me to "schedule" it too, which may be counteractive but it works for me. I keep a monthly calendar for all of mine & DD's obligations & appts & then I also pencil in my fun & self-care time too. It's like reverse-psychology for me, if it's officially on the schedule then it's not just me stealing time for myself... it's me taking care of something important. (which in turn helped me to accept these things as equally important to my chores & responsibilities)