xAH delivered all of DDs things..feeling emotional
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
xAH delivered all of DDs things..feeling emotional
Hi all-
Its been a while since I posted. Things have calmed down a lot as far as custody battling goes between xAH and I (which is great!). I was awarded sole custody back in september. There is also a protective order in place that covers myself and my DD so he is not to have any contact with either of us except 1 weekly update email and he can send me any proof of sobriety/recovery and gifts or letters for her. This comes after a recent arrest of his (one of many drunk in publics). Anyways, DD doesn't really remember her dad and she never talks about him. She is only 31/2 and hasnt seen him since she was 2, and legally will not see him at least for another year. He went to her daycare yesterday and dropped off boxes of her things yesterday (that was a no no) which was super embarrassing since he was supposed to send them to me via mail. He did not see her though so technically this was not a violation. He then sent me this email talking about how he loves her so much and wants to regain access to her bla bla. Meanwhile he has sent no proof of sobriety nor mentioned any desire to be sober in any of his correspondence. It was emotional for me to receive the contents of her room at his house, there were a lot of memories in those boxes. I have not shown it to her because honestly I dont know what to say. I dont know what to say to him either when he asked me how she responded to getting her things back. Its clear that being a "father" from afar is all he can handle and likely will ever be able to handle. It really pisses me off that he acts like this doting dad, when he has essentially abandoned her and put us through hell for the past 3 years. He doesnt know the first thing about sacrifice or parenthood and it honestly makes me sick that he thinks he does.
Side note: he adopted an abused dog and named it stupid, last week. ugh.
Its been a while since I posted. Things have calmed down a lot as far as custody battling goes between xAH and I (which is great!). I was awarded sole custody back in september. There is also a protective order in place that covers myself and my DD so he is not to have any contact with either of us except 1 weekly update email and he can send me any proof of sobriety/recovery and gifts or letters for her. This comes after a recent arrest of his (one of many drunk in publics). Anyways, DD doesn't really remember her dad and she never talks about him. She is only 31/2 and hasnt seen him since she was 2, and legally will not see him at least for another year. He went to her daycare yesterday and dropped off boxes of her things yesterday (that was a no no) which was super embarrassing since he was supposed to send them to me via mail. He did not see her though so technically this was not a violation. He then sent me this email talking about how he loves her so much and wants to regain access to her bla bla. Meanwhile he has sent no proof of sobriety nor mentioned any desire to be sober in any of his correspondence. It was emotional for me to receive the contents of her room at his house, there were a lot of memories in those boxes. I have not shown it to her because honestly I dont know what to say. I dont know what to say to him either when he asked me how she responded to getting her things back. Its clear that being a "father" from afar is all he can handle and likely will ever be able to handle. It really pisses me off that he acts like this doting dad, when he has essentially abandoned her and put us through hell for the past 3 years. He doesnt know the first thing about sacrifice or parenthood and it honestly makes me sick that he thinks he does.
Side note: he adopted an abused dog and named it stupid, last week. ugh.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
bluebird.....I agree, that it is sad. I certainly understand how this feels, to you...
His name for the dog......that leaves me speechless.
I'll bet that he was raised by people who were very insensitive.....
Honestly...if he were ever around his daughter, again...I think I would insist that he rename the dog!!
His name for the dog......that leaves me speechless.
I'll bet that he was raised by people who were very insensitive.....
Honestly...if he were ever around his daughter, again...I think I would insist that he rename the dog!!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Bluebird, this is so, so sad. Although I'm mostly feeling sad for him. Wow. I have met a few folks like this. Often I think they just can't change but miracles do happen.
Irk. Makes me want to go read the Newcomers forum to see folks who are at least giving it a good solid go.
Irk. Makes me want to go read the Newcomers forum to see folks who are at least giving it a good solid go.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
To make matters more intense, my daughter cried to me today saying that she didnt have a magic want to turn my fiancee into her dad because hers doesnt come around anymore. it was devastating and cute at the same time. really weird rough night tonight
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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bluebird 
What an emotional night! I'm so sorry!
I have no experience to share here, but thought of one way you might be able to deal with the box of belongings from your DDs old room at her Dad's place. Can you re-introduce one or two items into her room at your house every now and then? While she is not in the room, simply place a stuffed animal somewhere where she would run across it? I suppose the good thing is that at 3.5 yo, she may not really remember those things and it would be just like getting something brand new!
I hope today dawns a little brighter for you!!
What an emotional night! I'm so sorry!
I have no experience to share here, but thought of one way you might be able to deal with the box of belongings from your DDs old room at her Dad's place. Can you re-introduce one or two items into her room at your house every now and then? While she is not in the room, simply place a stuffed animal somewhere where she would run across it? I suppose the good thing is that at 3.5 yo, she may not really remember those things and it would be just like getting something brand new!
I hope today dawns a little brighter for you!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Thanks.. I don't know why this all messed me up so badly. We've been divorced for a year and not together for 3. But my PTSD came back with a veangance and after my daughter went to bed I didn't even recognize myself, I felt like the Rest of my night was someone else experiencing it. I should probably talk to someone, but I've never really found a useful therapist.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Sending hugs, Bluebird, if OK. It's hard stuff. Being a parent and watching how it affects our kids is hard.
DS once asked if his pre-school teacher's assistant could be his dad, and went so far as to tell him that his (teacher's) dog agrees that he should marry [me]. About a year later, he asked if I could had the phone number for a TV personality who'd just done a show in our area. When we talked about it, DS simply said, of both, I think he'd be an awesome dad.... and he makes you laugh. It was sweet and it broke my heart. I spent the night after he'd gone to bed, each time, crying my eyes out that I'd given DS such a cr-ppy father. It's helped to realize that I went into the relationship hoping for a good one; I didn't choose AXH because I thought he'd end up being an a--hat. I'd thought he'd be a good husband and father, and he could have. He _could_ have. That he didn't was because of his choices, not mine.
I was diagnosed with PTSD and had issues with dissociation (that feeling of things not happening to you, but some one else; things looking/feeling "fuzzy" or unreal). A few things that helped me bring me back were:
1. smelling really strong mint essential oil or other really strong smell
2. I'd walk around my room touching things and listing them like an inventory
3. when I was in my own place, I'd bake bread. The smell brought me back to my Grandma's house when I was little (a safe place) and kneading the dough let me feel something real.
Maybe something similar - engaging several of your senses - would help? I know talking with a counselor/therapist helped me work through and develop coping skills for the PTSD symptoms, but it can be hard finding someone to connect with. If you can, keep looking; having professional support can help so much.
DS once asked if his pre-school teacher's assistant could be his dad, and went so far as to tell him that his (teacher's) dog agrees that he should marry [me]. About a year later, he asked if I could had the phone number for a TV personality who'd just done a show in our area. When we talked about it, DS simply said, of both, I think he'd be an awesome dad.... and he makes you laugh. It was sweet and it broke my heart. I spent the night after he'd gone to bed, each time, crying my eyes out that I'd given DS such a cr-ppy father. It's helped to realize that I went into the relationship hoping for a good one; I didn't choose AXH because I thought he'd end up being an a--hat. I'd thought he'd be a good husband and father, and he could have. He _could_ have. That he didn't was because of his choices, not mine.
I was diagnosed with PTSD and had issues with dissociation (that feeling of things not happening to you, but some one else; things looking/feeling "fuzzy" or unreal). A few things that helped me bring me back were:
1. smelling really strong mint essential oil or other really strong smell
2. I'd walk around my room touching things and listing them like an inventory
3. when I was in my own place, I'd bake bread. The smell brought me back to my Grandma's house when I was little (a safe place) and kneading the dough let me feel something real.
Maybe something similar - engaging several of your senses - would help? I know talking with a counselor/therapist helped me work through and develop coping skills for the PTSD symptoms, but it can be hard finding someone to connect with. If you can, keep looking; having professional support can help so much.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
BB,
I am sorry, I know that you hurt for baby bb. She is little and hopefully won't remember any of the bad times with her Dad. Do you see how all the feeling come flooding back when you have contact with him. It rehashes all the "old" feelings again.
Do your best to keep the no contact with him. Over time it won't hurt so much.
Hugs my friend!!
I am sorry, I know that you hurt for baby bb. She is little and hopefully won't remember any of the bad times with her Dad. Do you see how all the feeling come flooding back when you have contact with him. It rehashes all the "old" feelings again.
Do your best to keep the no contact with him. Over time it won't hurt so much.
Hugs my friend!!
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