kasie

Hi All,

Haven't posted here...for years...but the same issues have arisen again, so here I am. Much is to be said for the hampsternon the wheel.

Anyway, - quick one. I feel that I can't be intimate with a partner when he is in the midst of an alcoholic binge. I don't feel valued when he is. I feel like me sharing with him isn't something that he genuinely remembers or wants. It's just that when he's on a binge he doesn't seem to know any better.

What are others' experiences? I'm just wondering if this is something unique to me, or if it is something others experience too.

Love to all xx

amy55

Hi kasie,

I guess to answer your question, I would have to say that, I felt like I could have been one out of a million people. I don't know if it would have mattered to him who he was with, as long as he was with someone.

No, the sex did not feel personal. It felt like I was just being used. I was also rated on it. I would be told, that it didn't count, because I didn't enjoy it, so he would have to repeat it till I did.

I know now, that my body is mine, and I don't have to have sex with a drunk. I know now that you have sex because you feel connected to a person, not because they want to and will scream, yell or start a fight with you if you don't.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

53500

Sex with a drunk was gross and usually he was not capable of it. When he was, I gave in (1) out of fear, or (2) in hopes he'd just get it over with, pass out and leave me alone.

Pretty much the polar opposite of what it was supposed to be.

dandylion

Kasie.....women are entitled to have total control over their own bodies. No one should have to have sex when they don't want to. You have the right to say no to anyone at any time.

I should say that if you are afraid of hi m or find yourself in any danger...you can call the local domestic violence center and speak to a counselor. If you are ever in immediate danger...call the police.....
For the record......Harrassing you to have sex o r forcing you to have sex is abuse...

I would never want to have sex with a drunk.....in fact, I would never even want to kiss one....It feels like a compromise of one's "self"......

Eauchiche

I think your aversion to drunks is very healthy. Sex, after all, is just a physical manifestation of much deeper attractions.
I remember when booze and cigarettes were an aphrodisiac to me. I guess I'm getting better too!

Nata1980

Yeah absolutely normal. Yep - felt used with XAH and "rated" as well, and often compared with ex this and that (unfavorably), and then harrassed over not willing to have sex.

Was also rejected when I wanted it.


Meh.

Katetheo

Hi Kasie,

I'm with you too on this one. Was only intimate with XABF once in about 2 years towards the end and even then I didn't want it. At the start of our relationship even though he was drinking then, it was great, but as he got worse something about him drunk made my skin crawl and I just couldn't do it. It also dawned on me we had never had sex with him sober which was a biggy for me. Then it became about why would I want sex with someone who was constantly lying to me and abusing me. The worst part was he'd often hint and make really crude innuendos to let me know he wanted intimacy and I felt so bad rejecting him but surely he must have known why I couldn't. Surely??? I'm not so sure.

What I'm trying to say is you are certainly not alone in feeling like this and I'm sending you big hugs xx

Redheadsusie

I would not have sex with separated AH when he was drinking - period. He smelled , was aggressive and just unattractive. I could not have cared less if it hurt his feelings and since he drank most every day - we were rarely intimate. Gross. .....

jojo82

"After a few years with an alcoholic, a wife gets worn out, resentful and uncommunicative. How could she be anything else? The husband begins to feel lonely, sorry for himself."

Big Book, page 81


For me, the enabler, I was administering the sedative. Day after day, year after year, without even thinking about it. Partners in denial.

By the time we got to the counselors office I had already blamed myself for being the the "coma" she said I was in. My wife was right.

It's hard to see it as nothing more than maintenance drinking, until it rears its ugly head one day when you least expect it.

NYCDoglvr

Of course not. You're talking to the bottle, not a person. He isn't present when under the influence.

Lizzieloulou

I haven't had sex in two years, and I have been married for three and a half! My ah didn' t tell me about his drinking problem before we married as he didn't want to scare me off! Therefore I was duped! Lucky me! Having said all that, our first year together was sexually active and all was quite good. As you can all appreciate, it got progressively worse, and like you all say, I couldn't cope with sex while he was drunk...slobbering...fumbling...repulsive! We rarely share the same bed now either. It is not just the sex for me...as time goes on, I like him less and less, and I have retreated into my own little bubble. I only want to sleep on my own as it is my time...my place to be me , with my own thoughts and feelings. It is also about being emotionally isolated, and retreating into myself. I have lost any REAL connection with him, so we are really just living as housemates now. He questions me about why I sleep in the spare room, and how he wants to be close to me, but he just doesn't comprehend my feelings at all! Of course, the alcoholic can never see past themselves, so I have given-up trying to explain. I would love to have sex... I miss it very much, but as one of you stated, sex is never instigated or offered when he is sober, so it's never going to happen! I content myself (if you get my meaning) to keep sane, but it is a sorry substitute when I have a man in the house! Sex is, and should be a part of any healthy marriage or partnership, but here's the thing...our relationships aren't healthy! I have learned to live without intimacy now...along with many other things!

MrMystery

My AW and I have very little intimacy precisely because she is only ever interested when drinking, and usually at 3-4am when she's heading to sleep and trying to wake me up for it. We've finally gotten past that part, but we still don't "do it" a whole lot and she blames her lack of physical attractiveness (which is not true) because she can't fathom that I'm tired of being with someone who isn't there when I am expecting them to be. She is never interested when she's "sober" and I am not interested when she's not. It makes for quite the dynamic, especially when "not sober" is the default.

Zak68

When my wife was drinking sex was horrible. Even though I knew she was drunk we did it because I wanted her to feel I loved her and know I was there for her. Not a real morale boost when she passed out even though I knew it was the booze.
Now that she's sober I just don't feel like it. Granted she had an affair with my best friend for 6 months while drinking and I just can't look at her that way without thinking of them.
I've been keeping track too, last time she initiated sex was September 2013. At this point I'm just tired of being the only one that cares about it.
I love her but I am not in love with her. Happy she is sober but somehow in her obtaining sobriety she forgot how to be a partner in our relationship. She says it's menopause but honestly the spark is long gone from this relationship.

Lizzieloulou

To Zac and Mr Mystery, thank you for sharing the male perspective, which seems to be exactly the same as our female one! Gender aside, the issue is that if our partner is drunk, then sex is revolting and meaningless! I agree with the statement that you love her, but are not 'in' love anymore...ditto! As time passes with the selfish alcoholic, any endearing qualities we once saw fade into nothing, and all we are left with is this incapacitated and sad person! It is comforting for me to know that I am not alone in this situation...married, yet 'un-married.' I am lonely, so very lonely...

MrMystery

Now, I won't say the sex itself is revolting. It's the fact that she's "checked out" that is the revolting part. No emotional connection and nothing but physical lust is not enough for a life partner -- speaking for myself. I agree with most of the rest of your post, just wanted to clarify that I don't find the act itself revolting, but moreso the feeling of being just "Mr. Right Now" because that seems to be what she wants.

Lizzieloulou

Totally agree Mr Mystery....I stand corrected!...to be honest, it's been so long that I have forgotten what it feels like anymore! As Charlotte's gay friend Anthony says in Sex in the City "it's been that long Char, it's probably grown over!" You are absolutely right when you say that you are tired of just being Mr Right Now...lust is awesome when coupled with love, but lust in itself is just animal instinct! I don't want to be a baboon...! Thank you Mr Mystery... I have appreciated your thoughts and comments.

thousandwords53

Way late to chime in on this, but my thoughts:

for the A, it seems, in my experience that false promises/plans are always thrown my way, such as: "maybe later we can..." "Tonight let's do this..." .......later comes and they have forgotten or are passed out. When anything physical does maybe happen, their passion and emotional involvement is missing. They go through the motions (pun kind of intended haha) but it's one dimensional and clumsy and lazy. To the point that this person is slowly passing out in my arms.
It is sad. Set up from disappointment from the get go by even engaging.

firebolt

Yeah, i was so grossed out at the end when the ex was drinking, that I just couldn't be intimate with him and enjoy myself, or feel good about it. To him, that was when I "started using sex as a weapon." Ugg - life doesn't have to be like that.

jjnorris

I did not enjoy the drunk sex part of our life, like you have all mentioned it was clumsy, one-sided, no real connection. My problem is now that he is sober, I have little interest. The hurt and resentment I feel just makes me uncomfortable around him. But if I refuse sex he goes on a days long "pouting" streak which makes him frustrated and short tempered and only increases lack of desire. I eventually give in to keep the peace and he immediately morphs into a friendly, happy guy again until the next time he has to wait a few days. Even when the delay is due to lack of time, such as work which keeps me gone until after he is asleep, the result is the same.