Change4good

I was hoping this community might help me with this. I had the amazing opportunity awhile back to take a year sabbatical. Time for myself to get sober, get in shape, work on projects, read, nurture my kids, etc.

I blew that year drinking. I might be romanticizing it, but feel that I could have changed my life around health, mind and body with that year, and I missed the opportunity. The regret is all consuming, and I am having a hard time.

I am sober, and back working. And all I can think about is how I not only lost a year of my life, but amazing opportunities to grow. I will never have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, with all that time to myself ever again.

How have others handled missed opportunities and regrets? I realize I shouldn't look backwards, because I am not going that way, but I am so full of regret that I am almost at a stand still.

Thanks for any advice on how to get unstuck.

doggonecarl

There is regretting the past and regretting where you are today. You could still be drinking. Be thankful that you are not.

I have no "fix" for regret except embracing the opportunities you will have.

Soberpotamus

Similar to Carl, I use regret to motivate me to look at what I can do now, and find where I can make changes so that my life is going in the direction that is right for me.

I can't go backward in time, but I can use my age, experience, and sobriety to make a better life now and in the future.

Anna

It's really, really hard to come to terms with missing opportunities that came and went while we were drinking. I was not fully present for three years of my children's lives, specifically my daughter from age 16-19. What I try to do is to believe that I am where I am supposed to be. I have journaled about it and that helps, especially if I can journal in the moment of being caught up in a memory. All you can do is to be the best you can for yourself and your children today. I live by Maya Angelou's quote "I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better." I know from reading her autobiographies that the statement comes from regrets from her heart. She chose to carry on and become stronger.

Change4good

Thank you!! And, I certainly don't regret where I am today. (By the way, Norfolk is a great place.)

entropy1964

I understand what you're saying. What I have learned, or am trying to learn, is that while I'm regretting the past, I'm not living the present. I don't have an off switch for shame/regret, sometimes it just hurts. But I know that if I do today, right now, what I regret not doing, then I'm taking strides to ease those feelings.

What do they say, life is what happens while we're making plans? Or regretting the past.

AdelineRose

I was full of regret which led to a deep depression. I luckily found an amazing substance abuse counselor that helped me navigate the process of early recovery, dealing with loss, and dealing with regrets.

What has helped me the most is making lists of goals. In the beginning I would make goals for each day which helped me continue to move forward without spending my entire day lamenting on the past. I then moved to weekly goals so I had things to work towards and then the satisfaction of reaching weekly goals (helped me feel like I was being productive and finally moving forward. I then did 2 week goals and then monthly goals.

I have found that setting monthly short term goals allows me to continue to take steps to better myself and create a better life for myself. I also set goals for where I want to be in 6 months and a year.

Once you see how you are moving forward and creating the life you want will help to slowly move past what could have been and instead focus on what will be.

Dee74

Hey C4G

I choose to believe our life is full of crossroads...some we miss, some we take we shouldn't, but I do honestly believe that all of us who think about such things end up where we're meant to be.

There's nothing I can do about the year that's missing from my life either...but there's a lot I can do with my today and my tomorrow.

I don't know where I might have ended up...but anywhere is better than where I was...and here is pretty good?

D

advbike

Yes, you are where you are today because of the path you followed. We can all look back at missed opportunities, especially alcoholics, but we really are where we need to be. No need for regrets.

waywardson8260

All of us have plenty of missed opportunity and regrets. Looking back and using self reflection can be learning opportunities. Then we can change what needs to be changed and move forward.

D122y

Change,

Suffering because of regret is an unesessary burden. It is like being upset about having to carry a heavy back pack for 40 plus years, in my case, 18 months ago. Regret is a distraction.

We have put down the burden of booze, yet we choose to obsess over what we did in the past.

I believe we obsess because we have not healed enough yet. It takes a long time to learn to live w out booze. Many years....in my case.

What has worked for me, for now, is taking responsibility for my past actions and moving forward. I made this bed, I am sleeping in it.

This philosophy gives me strength of character. It is a thought that immediately eases regret for me.

AA teaches to seek out those we percieve we have harmed and make amends. It is in the 12 steps.

I mainly hurt my wife and step kids. The kids have moved out and are living on their own. To seek them out and apologize would seem selfish to me. They really don't care about me except that I take care of their mom.

My wife doesn't care about my addiction. She tells me forget about booze. Move on. It is good advice.

Anyway...

I am sober now and that is a big deal...for me mainly. Everyone I deal w now gets 100% of the real me. It is a very cool thing.

That is something worth thinking about.

Thanks.