Suburbanites and the drug epidemic
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Suburbanites and the drug epidemic
A few weeks ago, my children said they had seen a boy from Awana (a church event) at their dad's. I found this strange, as most of the parents I've seen there seem to be quite prim and proper- not the type my ex associates with. There was only one person I could see him hanging around...
I know, it's wrong to profile. But she's just so... trashy. Very overweight and every time I've seen her her crack is exposed, and not in a "woopsie, you caught me right as I stood up" kind of way, but a "how in the world could you not notice that your a$$ is halfway exposed" way.
So I thought, it's gotta be her. And I know it was wrong. Especially because I've been profiled- I've been called a "tweaker" by a snotty fellow homeschool mom because I'm "too thin to not be" and because of my glorious acne scars that I love so much.
Anyway, it was wrong. But I was right. And then I'm told by her parents, the Chefs at Awana, all the dirty details. She's on meth. She's a mess. OK... well, that sucks. He's bringing someone around our kids who is on meth (which he is, too, though I haven't been able to prove it yet- uggghhh!!!!!)
Well, as if that wasn't bad enough- a murder happens in the town nearby. It's everywhere- all over the papers. Who did it? That girl's baby daddy. He killed someone over drugs. I looked at his mugshot and got sick to my stomach. He had his son's name tattooed across his neck. Like property. Apparently, they had recently split and he was determined to win custody. Someone who is so addicted to meth that he would kill for it thinks he should be able to raise a child. And yet, what if that girl is every bit as messed up as him? What if he really did believe he needed to get custody, because she's that f'ed up? And she's hanging around my boys!
I told my mom all of this, and her response was, "Gosh, I wish you could get out of there." Meaning, "Just come and live with us in San Jose so we can see our Grandkids more often" (raise them for you, really). "Sure, you'll never be able to afford to live here on your own, so you'll basically be stuck living with us for the rest of your life, but it's more convenient for us"... or something like that, I have no idea what she's thinking but uggh! Drugs are everywhere! How completely elitist of her and my dad to keep insisting it's the "area" I live in- this wonderful town full of so many kind souls. Sure, there are a few bad apples around here, but have they never frequented downtown San Jose? It's like they're so sheltered by their pretty little suburban life they have no idea what's going on all around the FREAKING country! And they want me to pick up and leave when I have a $600 mortgage and an amazing support system and a LIFE that I built!
So I guess that's where I'm at right now. On the one hand, I'm praying that my ex will be revealed- that he will fail a drug test, so the kids will be safe. And yet, if he does, I lose the life we have now. This wonderful life in a quiet town that yes, has it's share of drugs, but it's where I chose to raise my kids for a REASON. I really love it here. It makes me so angry that my parents would rather pay double to have me live there, just so I can be with them.
And I know this sounds like I'm expecting my parents to fix all my problems. I'm not! I've been going to school to become an RD and have since switched my major to become an LVN so that instead of having to plug along for years to complete my master's I can be completely self-supporting in less than a year. But until then, I am at my parent's mercy. And that sucks!
Anyway, that's my little update. That and my ex has a tatted up girlfriend. And she tattoos him during his visitations. And my kids come home with fake tattoos. And their clothes reek of cigarette smoke because everyone smokes inside Daddy's house. And who the F is this man? Really, how did he hide who he was so well? And look how he's reverted back to the type he always went for before me- the tatted up, tough girl. Kind of like my ex-boyfriend who always went for Asians until I came along, then went right back. What were they doing with me? Why did they waste my time if I wasn't their type? Or can I just pretend I'm special- that I broke the mould. Yeah, right!
Oh, good, grief! Help me settle these emotions.
Everything's going to be fine...
Until I lose this house. How can I forgive my millionaire dad letting me lose this house? When all it would have took was just one year of assistance so I could finish school. How could he rather support me for years and years so I can live in the Bay Area with its outrageous cost of living just out of principle? Just out of prejudice?
Anyway, thanks for reading.
I know, it's wrong to profile. But she's just so... trashy. Very overweight and every time I've seen her her crack is exposed, and not in a "woopsie, you caught me right as I stood up" kind of way, but a "how in the world could you not notice that your a$$ is halfway exposed" way.
So I thought, it's gotta be her. And I know it was wrong. Especially because I've been profiled- I've been called a "tweaker" by a snotty fellow homeschool mom because I'm "too thin to not be" and because of my glorious acne scars that I love so much.
Anyway, it was wrong. But I was right. And then I'm told by her parents, the Chefs at Awana, all the dirty details. She's on meth. She's a mess. OK... well, that sucks. He's bringing someone around our kids who is on meth (which he is, too, though I haven't been able to prove it yet- uggghhh!!!!!)
Well, as if that wasn't bad enough- a murder happens in the town nearby. It's everywhere- all over the papers. Who did it? That girl's baby daddy. He killed someone over drugs. I looked at his mugshot and got sick to my stomach. He had his son's name tattooed across his neck. Like property. Apparently, they had recently split and he was determined to win custody. Someone who is so addicted to meth that he would kill for it thinks he should be able to raise a child. And yet, what if that girl is every bit as messed up as him? What if he really did believe he needed to get custody, because she's that f'ed up? And she's hanging around my boys!
I told my mom all of this, and her response was, "Gosh, I wish you could get out of there." Meaning, "Just come and live with us in San Jose so we can see our Grandkids more often" (raise them for you, really). "Sure, you'll never be able to afford to live here on your own, so you'll basically be stuck living with us for the rest of your life, but it's more convenient for us"... or something like that, I have no idea what she's thinking but uggh! Drugs are everywhere! How completely elitist of her and my dad to keep insisting it's the "area" I live in- this wonderful town full of so many kind souls. Sure, there are a few bad apples around here, but have they never frequented downtown San Jose? It's like they're so sheltered by their pretty little suburban life they have no idea what's going on all around the FREAKING country! And they want me to pick up and leave when I have a $600 mortgage and an amazing support system and a LIFE that I built!
So I guess that's where I'm at right now. On the one hand, I'm praying that my ex will be revealed- that he will fail a drug test, so the kids will be safe. And yet, if he does, I lose the life we have now. This wonderful life in a quiet town that yes, has it's share of drugs, but it's where I chose to raise my kids for a REASON. I really love it here. It makes me so angry that my parents would rather pay double to have me live there, just so I can be with them.
And I know this sounds like I'm expecting my parents to fix all my problems. I'm not! I've been going to school to become an RD and have since switched my major to become an LVN so that instead of having to plug along for years to complete my master's I can be completely self-supporting in less than a year. But until then, I am at my parent's mercy. And that sucks!
Anyway, that's my little update. That and my ex has a tatted up girlfriend. And she tattoos him during his visitations. And my kids come home with fake tattoos. And their clothes reek of cigarette smoke because everyone smokes inside Daddy's house. And who the F is this man? Really, how did he hide who he was so well? And look how he's reverted back to the type he always went for before me- the tatted up, tough girl. Kind of like my ex-boyfriend who always went for Asians until I came along, then went right back. What were they doing with me? Why did they waste my time if I wasn't their type? Or can I just pretend I'm special- that I broke the mould. Yeah, right!
Oh, good, grief! Help me settle these emotions.
Everything's going to be fine...
Until I lose this house. How can I forgive my millionaire dad letting me lose this house? When all it would have took was just one year of assistance so I could finish school. How could he rather support me for years and years so I can live in the Bay Area with its outrageous cost of living just out of principle? Just out of prejudice?
Anyway, thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Hey, hechosedrugs. It's Puzzled, the one whose mom wanted to force a nose job onto her face, but somehow managed to have a functional relationship with her in the end.
Here's what I learned when dealing with somewhat overbearing parents: If you tell them something that makes them worried, they will try to fix it on THEIR terms. And that means listening to them for hours or even days of "You should do this." So as much as you want to have an open, honest relationship with them, sometimes you have to choose what to tell them and what not to tell them.
I used to have massive credit card debt and my credit score was down the fricking toilet. My parents could have paid it off in a heartbeat. Years later, when they found out how much of a financial hole I was in, they kept on asking me why I didn't tell them. Well, because the peace and quiet I had by NOT telling them was worth the thousands of dollars I owed. I bit the bullet, and paid it off chunk by chunk. Much tuna fish and ramen was consumed. My idea of a good night out was buying a hot dog. Fast forward eight years later, my credit score was 750+ and shopping for a mortgage after the 2008 financial crisis was a breeze. But more importantly, I fixed the problem myself, and that was something that my parents could never take away from me.
In the end, it's their money. They could spend it on you. They could spend it on a trip around the world. It's their choice on how they want to spend it, just as much as it is your choice to live your life the way you want to. The freedom goes both ways.
One thing I want to point out: if you move back in with them, you can move back out. Why do you never see yourself moving back to your "true home" after you get your degree? Or is it if you move back to San Jose, you have to disrupt your studies (in which case, it's most likely a wiser decision to stay where you are)? Can the move be temporary? Is there a way you can move back in with your head still held up high (ex. pay them rent)? One year may seem like forever now, but in reality, it isn't really much time at all.
It's a good thing that you're seeking financial independence. Once you get that financial independence from your parents, your relationship will change dramatically. No more "I'll cut you from the will" or "If you don't do this, I won't pay for that." Money can no longer be their bargaining chip and you're more likely than not to end up being equals. And that is a very, very good thing.
And fast forward fifteen years later, you could be nagging the crap out of them to take their medication and to drink the eight glasses of water a day and to stop using the gardening shears as a fricking cane.
Parent child relationships - so fun!
Here's what I learned when dealing with somewhat overbearing parents: If you tell them something that makes them worried, they will try to fix it on THEIR terms. And that means listening to them for hours or even days of "You should do this." So as much as you want to have an open, honest relationship with them, sometimes you have to choose what to tell them and what not to tell them.
I used to have massive credit card debt and my credit score was down the fricking toilet. My parents could have paid it off in a heartbeat. Years later, when they found out how much of a financial hole I was in, they kept on asking me why I didn't tell them. Well, because the peace and quiet I had by NOT telling them was worth the thousands of dollars I owed. I bit the bullet, and paid it off chunk by chunk. Much tuna fish and ramen was consumed. My idea of a good night out was buying a hot dog. Fast forward eight years later, my credit score was 750+ and shopping for a mortgage after the 2008 financial crisis was a breeze. But more importantly, I fixed the problem myself, and that was something that my parents could never take away from me.
In the end, it's their money. They could spend it on you. They could spend it on a trip around the world. It's their choice on how they want to spend it, just as much as it is your choice to live your life the way you want to. The freedom goes both ways.
One thing I want to point out: if you move back in with them, you can move back out. Why do you never see yourself moving back to your "true home" after you get your degree? Or is it if you move back to San Jose, you have to disrupt your studies (in which case, it's most likely a wiser decision to stay where you are)? Can the move be temporary? Is there a way you can move back in with your head still held up high (ex. pay them rent)? One year may seem like forever now, but in reality, it isn't really much time at all.
It's a good thing that you're seeking financial independence. Once you get that financial independence from your parents, your relationship will change dramatically. No more "I'll cut you from the will" or "If you don't do this, I won't pay for that." Money can no longer be their bargaining chip and you're more likely than not to end up being equals. And that is a very, very good thing.
And fast forward fifteen years later, you could be nagging the crap out of them to take their medication and to drink the eight glasses of water a day and to stop using the gardening shears as a fricking cane.
Parent child relationships - so fun!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Could you take him back to court for a more in depth test? I know you said hair follicle is not allowed in your state but what about a nail test? Is that considered unethical also? It's actually better and goes back about 6 months. Judges have to know urine tests are so easy to cover up.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hcd.....PuzzledHeart brings up such a good point---about being super selective in what information that you share with them..your parents.
This is what saved me from being eaten alive, emotionally, from my overbearing and judgemental parents. That, and the fact that I moved several hundred miles away when I graduated from school. I was, then, able to control what we talked about. I didn't tell them any of the bad stuff and I never asked them for money or support in any way. I could have used some...lol...but, I didn't want the price I would have to pay.
I did everything on my own. I don't regret that.
This is what saved me from being eaten alive, emotionally, from my overbearing and judgemental parents. That, and the fact that I moved several hundred miles away when I graduated from school. I was, then, able to control what we talked about. I didn't tell them any of the bad stuff and I never asked them for money or support in any way. I could have used some...lol...but, I didn't want the price I would have to pay.
I did everything on my own. I don't regret that.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm sorry. I realize I came across as completely entitled. It is his money and he gets to choose what to do with it. And I really do need to keep my mouth shut about anything negative going on in my town- it just gives them more reasons to tell me I need to leave. Thank goodness I'm court ordered to stay in the county. And if my ex messes up and that court order is no longer valid, I really better not say a word to my parents.
Dandylion and Puzzledheart, I think that's wonderful that you did everything on your own. I thought long and hard about whether I should stay in school or just get a job. I have no skills, I would likely be making minimum wage. I came to the conclusion that getting my LVN would be the best choice for my family. At least that way my dad would only be supporting me for another year and then I'll be entirely self-sufficient. It really would be nice to be able to turn down money if they offer it. I look forward to that day!
Dandylion and Puzzledheart, I think that's wonderful that you did everything on your own. I thought long and hard about whether I should stay in school or just get a job. I have no skills, I would likely be making minimum wage. I came to the conclusion that getting my LVN would be the best choice for my family. At least that way my dad would only be supporting me for another year and then I'll be entirely self-sufficient. It really would be nice to be able to turn down money if they offer it. I look forward to that day!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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HCD.....by all means, stay in school, if doing so ensures you a living wage, down the road. Consider it an investment in your future.
You can't go wrong by doing that. It is also, the wisest use of your parent's investment.
You can't go wrong by doing that. It is also, the wisest use of your parent's investment.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
Stay in school. It's a year, you have support and it likely will never be easier to get the education you need to procure a job that pays a livable wage. IOW, think long term; the sacrifice you make today will pay long term benefits for many decades to come.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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Oh yes, definitely stay in school! It sounds like school is the sweet spot where your parents' interests and your interests align.
And I hope they won't do this... but if one of the conditions for the needed financial support was for you to move back... I would seriously consider it if you're only looking at a year. Just be sure to have a clearly defined plan on just how exactly you're going to move back out. Golden handcuffs are fine just as long as you can keep one hand free holding the key, and a job with good pay is exactly that.
And I hope they won't do this... but if one of the conditions for the needed financial support was for you to move back... I would seriously consider it if you're only looking at a year. Just be sure to have a clearly defined plan on just how exactly you're going to move back out. Golden handcuffs are fine just as long as you can keep one hand free holding the key, and a job with good pay is exactly that.
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