When I knew it was over
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
When I knew it was over
It was a hot summer beach day and I just wanted to go home. We had both had a lot to drink and had been in the sun since 8 or 9 AM that morning. I really wanted to leave. I was the driver (as usual, the ex did not have a license) and I wanted to get home , take a shower and just relax. Also as per usual, I found myself needing to scream at him in order to get him to understand that we were leaving, NOW.
It must have been nice to not have to fight hot, summer traffic after being in the sun all day. He most likely did not have a clue how tiring it could be, especially when he could pass out as soon as he got in the car.... empathy was not one of his strong suits... Apparently, me simply telling him I was tired and wanted to go home wasn’t enough, I’d always have to turn into a screaming lunatic for the point to get across.
As we are driving home I found myself letting him know how frustrated I was. I could tell that he was checking out… his eyes glossy, his skin burned from not wearing sunscreen… and even though I felt terrible as I was doing it I still kept “letting him have it”.
Why didn’t he respect me enough to believe me when I said I wanted to leave?
Why didn’t he understand that as the driver, I am actually the one in control of when we leave?
Why didn’t he understand that if he had his own license and car, he could come and go anywhere as he pleased?
Why did he treat me as a personal driver?
Why did I have to get so nasty to get the point across that I wanted to go home?
WHY???
It was one of the most honest times of my life with him… I was so done at that point but we wouldn’t break up for another 9 months.
I got home and bawled my eyes out in the shower.
I was turning into my mother…
I was drinking in unhealthy ways. Most of what the ex and I did revolved around drinking. I would complain all the time that he smelled like my mom’s boyfriends (his sweat smelled of alcohol and his breathe of butts) and that it was a huge turn off.
For some reason none of that really sunk in as being a problem until that day. I was turning into my mother and I was horrified. That was when the veil started to lift and I realized that I was being treated poorly and that I didn’t like who I was within the relationship. I know that people can’t make anyone act a certain way, but IMO there are certain dynamics that need to be played out in order for an individual relationship to exist. I knew, deep down, that me being who I wanted to be would result in the end of “us” and I was much more afraid of being alone than of not being myself at that point. I kept thinking it would get better. I believed him for a long time when he said he would slow down his drinking or get his license. I didn’t want to resent him anymore. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to have to drink in order to feel close to my partner. Me wanting these things meant one thing… it HAD to end. I couldn’t have those things with the ex, that was the reality of the situation. I knew that our relationship was built upon a foundation of booze, partying, not getting really “deep” emotionally, and catering to his needs. I felt invisible. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like what I needed always took a backseat to what he needed.
That was the worst shower of my life. I knew deep in my bones that we were done. I started to pull away and he made no effort whatsoever to pull me back in, and I’m thinking at that point it was either because he had started looking for someone else, or he just didn’t notice. I stopped going out with him, I stopped driving him around to run errands, if he wanted a drink he had to walk an hour to the store to get it himself. I started to sleep on the couch and if he went out all night I stopped caring. I wouldn’t text or call… and when he came back home at sunrise I just really… didn’t... care. I think he needed me to hound him and be on top of him… maybe it helped him to feel wanted/needed? I don’t know... at any rate… that memory is seared into my brain. I am so glad that nightmare is over and I am free. It was excruciating at first, but so worth it.
Through the pain came so much growth.
I am forever grateful, even for the relationship. Without it, I would not have grown.
It must have been nice to not have to fight hot, summer traffic after being in the sun all day. He most likely did not have a clue how tiring it could be, especially when he could pass out as soon as he got in the car.... empathy was not one of his strong suits... Apparently, me simply telling him I was tired and wanted to go home wasn’t enough, I’d always have to turn into a screaming lunatic for the point to get across.
As we are driving home I found myself letting him know how frustrated I was. I could tell that he was checking out… his eyes glossy, his skin burned from not wearing sunscreen… and even though I felt terrible as I was doing it I still kept “letting him have it”.
Why didn’t he respect me enough to believe me when I said I wanted to leave?
Why didn’t he understand that as the driver, I am actually the one in control of when we leave?
Why didn’t he understand that if he had his own license and car, he could come and go anywhere as he pleased?
Why did he treat me as a personal driver?
Why did I have to get so nasty to get the point across that I wanted to go home?
WHY???
It was one of the most honest times of my life with him… I was so done at that point but we wouldn’t break up for another 9 months.
I got home and bawled my eyes out in the shower.
I was turning into my mother…
I was drinking in unhealthy ways. Most of what the ex and I did revolved around drinking. I would complain all the time that he smelled like my mom’s boyfriends (his sweat smelled of alcohol and his breathe of butts) and that it was a huge turn off.
For some reason none of that really sunk in as being a problem until that day. I was turning into my mother and I was horrified. That was when the veil started to lift and I realized that I was being treated poorly and that I didn’t like who I was within the relationship. I know that people can’t make anyone act a certain way, but IMO there are certain dynamics that need to be played out in order for an individual relationship to exist. I knew, deep down, that me being who I wanted to be would result in the end of “us” and I was much more afraid of being alone than of not being myself at that point. I kept thinking it would get better. I believed him for a long time when he said he would slow down his drinking or get his license. I didn’t want to resent him anymore. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to have to drink in order to feel close to my partner. Me wanting these things meant one thing… it HAD to end. I couldn’t have those things with the ex, that was the reality of the situation. I knew that our relationship was built upon a foundation of booze, partying, not getting really “deep” emotionally, and catering to his needs. I felt invisible. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like what I needed always took a backseat to what he needed.
That was the worst shower of my life. I knew deep in my bones that we were done. I started to pull away and he made no effort whatsoever to pull me back in, and I’m thinking at that point it was either because he had started looking for someone else, or he just didn’t notice. I stopped going out with him, I stopped driving him around to run errands, if he wanted a drink he had to walk an hour to the store to get it himself. I started to sleep on the couch and if he went out all night I stopped caring. I wouldn’t text or call… and when he came back home at sunrise I just really… didn’t... care. I think he needed me to hound him and be on top of him… maybe it helped him to feel wanted/needed? I don’t know... at any rate… that memory is seared into my brain. I am so glad that nightmare is over and I am free. It was excruciating at first, but so worth it.
Through the pain came so much growth.
I am forever grateful, even for the relationship. Without it, I would not have grown.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding....it was the same core issue for me, those many years ago...wwhen I divorced my children's father...
I knew that if I ever wanted to be free to be myself...I couldn't stay with him.
I have never doubted that decision. It was the right thing to do....
I knew that if I ever wanted to be free to be myself...I couldn't stay with him.
I have never doubted that decision. It was the right thing to do....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
This will be a brief summary of events:
When my ex called me on the phone in a SCREAMING RAGE that she has an STD and I gave it to her.
I knew that was completely impossible.
Even though my heart just sank, ( I had already sensed something was happening and was prepared), I remained calm and said, Honey I will be happy to support you in this once we know what we are dealing with. Let's go down together and get tested and get more information.
I promptly provided a current clean STD screen, and said, anything you want to tell me now?
The blame shifting, the abuse, the screaming, the denying, the etc etc etc spewed forth from her like a fountain.
It was over for me at that moment.
That STD came from one the many drinking binges she went on. She in the end admitted, she honestly did not know where she got it from as there were more than one possibilities. I actually believe that part.
She hated drinking alone, she knew I didn't like her drinking, so the rest you can figure out.
When my ex called me on the phone in a SCREAMING RAGE that she has an STD and I gave it to her.
I knew that was completely impossible.
Even though my heart just sank, ( I had already sensed something was happening and was prepared), I remained calm and said, Honey I will be happy to support you in this once we know what we are dealing with. Let's go down together and get tested and get more information.
I promptly provided a current clean STD screen, and said, anything you want to tell me now?
The blame shifting, the abuse, the screaming, the denying, the etc etc etc spewed forth from her like a fountain.
It was over for me at that moment.
That STD came from one the many drinking binges she went on. She in the end admitted, she honestly did not know where she got it from as there were more than one possibilities. I actually believe that part.
She hated drinking alone, she knew I didn't like her drinking, so the rest you can figure out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Ugg.
I knew he drank more than I would prefer for a partner BEFORE I BEGAN the relationship. WTH?! We were best friends...he was attractive, I drank with him often, we had fun, I got lonely and started it anyway. A year in, he got abnormally mad about me kidding at him, and ripped the lamps down in the bedroom while my sister was visiting.
6 months after that, I had a horrible doctors appointment where a polyp was removed and I started bleeding bad. They stitched me up, but told me to consider myself a bleed risk for a couple days at home. XABF got wasted that night, and I asked him if he could sober up in case he needed to run me to the hospital, and we lived 15 miles from town. He flipped me off.
The first incident was alarming. The second confirmed he was nothing like the person I want for a partner. I stayed for 3.5 more years, through dozens of additional unacceptable incidents, hoping hew would grow into that person I wanted....and the only thing that grew was me. I hate that I was there for 5 years, but I too am eternally grateful for how it changed me. I NEEDED it to happen.
I knew he drank more than I would prefer for a partner BEFORE I BEGAN the relationship. WTH?! We were best friends...he was attractive, I drank with him often, we had fun, I got lonely and started it anyway. A year in, he got abnormally mad about me kidding at him, and ripped the lamps down in the bedroom while my sister was visiting.
6 months after that, I had a horrible doctors appointment where a polyp was removed and I started bleeding bad. They stitched me up, but told me to consider myself a bleed risk for a couple days at home. XABF got wasted that night, and I asked him if he could sober up in case he needed to run me to the hospital, and we lived 15 miles from town. He flipped me off.
The first incident was alarming. The second confirmed he was nothing like the person I want for a partner. I stayed for 3.5 more years, through dozens of additional unacceptable incidents, hoping hew would grow into that person I wanted....and the only thing that grew was me. I hate that I was there for 5 years, but I too am eternally grateful for how it changed me. I NEEDED it to happen.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
We always know don't we? I related to your knowing, but continuing to stay months after you already know. I too.
I knew when I found the text messages to other women just 6 months into what he led me to believe was me being his "game changer". I knew when he looked through my phone at messages that were sent to someone BEFORE I even met him, yet he continued to emotionally abuse me with punishment months after. I knew when he shifted blame in the vessel of rage and verbal abuse if I said the wrong thing in the wrong way. I knew when I found a prescription of STD meds in our home that wasn't mine. I knew when he called me a ****. I knew when he watched me cry with a straight face. I knew when he pretended to end things to see my reaction. I knew when I learned of the months long affair with the type of woman he was always attracted to that I wasn't. I knew the night I came home and saw he had showered and had laundry in the wash after coming from an "AA meeting". I knew the night he tore the blankets off me in rage when I asked a question that touched a nerve. I knew the night he pushed me. I knew when he tried to convince me he read a message that did not exist on my phone from another man. I knew when he brought alcohol into my house and abused my kindness. I knew when he brought me to an AA event and introduced me as his friend asking we not hold hands. I knew when I couldn't trust him alone.
I continued to date him for a year after. I knew long before.
I knew when I found the text messages to other women just 6 months into what he led me to believe was me being his "game changer". I knew when he looked through my phone at messages that were sent to someone BEFORE I even met him, yet he continued to emotionally abuse me with punishment months after. I knew when he shifted blame in the vessel of rage and verbal abuse if I said the wrong thing in the wrong way. I knew when I found a prescription of STD meds in our home that wasn't mine. I knew when he called me a ****. I knew when he watched me cry with a straight face. I knew when he pretended to end things to see my reaction. I knew when I learned of the months long affair with the type of woman he was always attracted to that I wasn't. I knew the night I came home and saw he had showered and had laundry in the wash after coming from an "AA meeting". I knew the night he tore the blankets off me in rage when I asked a question that touched a nerve. I knew the night he pushed me. I knew when he tried to convince me he read a message that did not exist on my phone from another man. I knew when he brought alcohol into my house and abused my kindness. I knew when he brought me to an AA event and introduced me as his friend asking we not hold hands. I knew when I couldn't trust him alone.
I continued to date him for a year after. I knew long before.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Wow I have felt like I've been reading my accounts of what happened to me 3 years ago. It brought it all back to me in a good way if that makes sense...I especially recall my XAH's straight face and cold eyes when I was balling my eyes out knowing it was over..thank you for reminding me of where I never want to go again 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
I knew when I was walking next to him (him being out of his head on pills and alcohol) telling me we need to break up (and changing his mind half day later). I felt so much anger with both of us. I knew when I saw his cold eyes looking at me when I was crying or worried to death. The saddest moments of my life. I now appreciate any person, any stranger who simply smiles at me. Life is better.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I really need this today for some reason. Lately ive been struggling.
The second to the last straw was him getting drunk and not showing up to pick me up for valentine's day dinner. I called him for two hours and finally sent a neighbor to look for him. He yelled at me for him ruining the day. The next day he avoided talking about it and when I finally got him to talk he stared at me and smugly said "I'm sorry it had to end like this." I cried and cried. He handed me a bear with a clearance sticker stuck to it which was like salt on the wounds. Somehow we made up. I still don't know how. I went to an alanon meeting that week. I sat there crying in a room filled with really sad older women. I knew that was my future. He seemingly got a bit better for a month. About a month later I came over late, he was drunk at 10pm with his friend, and I was annoyed. I was cold, didn't want to be touched, so I went to bed. He told me he was going to get snacks. He was gone for two hours and I knew that meant he went to the bar. I took a cab home. He told me he understood why I left but told me I overeacted but it wouldn't happen again. He then said "boys will be boys." I knew that was it.
The second to the last straw was him getting drunk and not showing up to pick me up for valentine's day dinner. I called him for two hours and finally sent a neighbor to look for him. He yelled at me for him ruining the day. The next day he avoided talking about it and when I finally got him to talk he stared at me and smugly said "I'm sorry it had to end like this." I cried and cried. He handed me a bear with a clearance sticker stuck to it which was like salt on the wounds. Somehow we made up. I still don't know how. I went to an alanon meeting that week. I sat there crying in a room filled with really sad older women. I knew that was my future. He seemingly got a bit better for a month. About a month later I came over late, he was drunk at 10pm with his friend, and I was annoyed. I was cold, didn't want to be touched, so I went to bed. He told me he was going to get snacks. He was gone for two hours and I knew that meant he went to the bar. I took a cab home. He told me he understood why I left but told me I overeacted but it wouldn't happen again. He then said "boys will be boys." I knew that was it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 67
Wow. I relate to this so much, especially the part about only being able to connect to one another through alcohol. It was so fun at first. Life was a party. But then it just became boring and eventually depressing. We could not hangout or do anything unless alcohol was involved and I was drinking a lot more than I was comfortable with. I was also spending a lot more on alcohol than I was comfortable with. I gained some weight. Started feeling depressed. I felt like my entire life was on hold. I felt hopeless and directionless and paralyzed.
It's only been a month of NC, but I'm already starting to dream again about my future. It's been a long time since I've had the opportunity to dream and plan and explore what I want to do next with my life. I feel like good things are just around the corner for me again.
It's only been a month of NC, but I'm already starting to dream again about my future. It's been a long time since I've had the opportunity to dream and plan and explore what I want to do next with my life. I feel like good things are just around the corner for me again.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 14
He was out on a weeknight by himself, told me he was headed home around 11, and called me belligerently on repeat at 1am until I picked up. He was not making sense and talking about finding his car. I yelled at him "Please don't drive!" And he hung up on me. I didn't hear from him until noon the next day and was convinced he was in jail, hurt, or worse. He was fine, he had stayed home from work not surprisingly due to his hangover. I got flowers the next day at work. This was my first gut pang.
Two months later we went out the night before he left to go out of the country for a month. We walked into a bar and a bartender started yelling at him immediately. Apparently the night I mentioned above he had blacked out, ditched out on a tab, and walked around a restaurant she worked at groping a table of women and eating off their plates. I sat with that visual the entire month he was away. He promised when he got back that things would be different, I knew instinctively they would not.
He told me that he was working on his house all day, but instead was out at the bar with friends. When I asked if he still wanted to keep our dinner plans he said yes and to be ready in an hour. Two hours later I hadn't heard from him and called. He said he was dropping his friend off and then would meet me at his house, so I should head over. I waited for 45 minutes after I arrived at his house and then called to ask him how far he was. He was visiting with his friends family and couldn't understand why I was upset. He said he was heading home. An hour later I called him and he sent me to voicemail. I texted, no response. He never came home and instead had gone out to the bars until closing. The next day he said he didn't remember anything but knew he meesed up. He didn't want to be that guy anymore. He wasn't used to being accountable to someone else. He would "get there" "get better", I just needed to be patient. This is the moment I knew that it was not only over, but we soon wouldn't be in each other's lives.
Two weeks later I planned a date night. I had him over for apatizers and cocktails. He showed up drunk. We went to the place we went on our first date for dinner and then a bar for ONE after dinner drink. When I decided it was time to go home and started to get an uber on my phone he said he would get it since I treated the rest of the night. He did not uber us home, he ubered us to another bar. I was mad but didn't want to "ruin the night". One drink here then we go home. He was swaying back and forth on the bar stool, eating a basket of popcorn, spilling all over the floor. He ordered a shot and a drink, I asked him to drink a water before more booze. He took the shot and went to the bathroom. In a bar we had been to hundreds of times he could not find the bathroom and walked outside. When he walked away the bartender said "Sweetie, WHAT are you doing with this guy?". I gave her his full drink to throw out and closed our tab. By the time he got back I told him it was his idea to go home, and luckily he believed me. When we got home he fell and hit his head on my wall heater and knocked himself out. I took that opportunity to hide his keys. When we woke up the next day, he was sorry. He went to watch a game with his friends, but we would have dinner later. He text me hours later that he missed me and suggested Father's Day plans with our families. Three hours later I asked him to call me to talk about dinner and he never responded. 1am I text him "I just can't believe you". He wrote back right away "I bet." He didn't respond to me or contact me for a week. When he finally called, he broke up with me and cut me out of his life completely and immediately.
I still love him 6 months later. He is online dating, moving on with his life, and that hurts me. I feel forgettable and replaceable. But I do not miss the constant disappointment and worry. And I do not want the rest of my life to look like the above.
Two months later we went out the night before he left to go out of the country for a month. We walked into a bar and a bartender started yelling at him immediately. Apparently the night I mentioned above he had blacked out, ditched out on a tab, and walked around a restaurant she worked at groping a table of women and eating off their plates. I sat with that visual the entire month he was away. He promised when he got back that things would be different, I knew instinctively they would not.
He told me that he was working on his house all day, but instead was out at the bar with friends. When I asked if he still wanted to keep our dinner plans he said yes and to be ready in an hour. Two hours later I hadn't heard from him and called. He said he was dropping his friend off and then would meet me at his house, so I should head over. I waited for 45 minutes after I arrived at his house and then called to ask him how far he was. He was visiting with his friends family and couldn't understand why I was upset. He said he was heading home. An hour later I called him and he sent me to voicemail. I texted, no response. He never came home and instead had gone out to the bars until closing. The next day he said he didn't remember anything but knew he meesed up. He didn't want to be that guy anymore. He wasn't used to being accountable to someone else. He would "get there" "get better", I just needed to be patient. This is the moment I knew that it was not only over, but we soon wouldn't be in each other's lives.
Two weeks later I planned a date night. I had him over for apatizers and cocktails. He showed up drunk. We went to the place we went on our first date for dinner and then a bar for ONE after dinner drink. When I decided it was time to go home and started to get an uber on my phone he said he would get it since I treated the rest of the night. He did not uber us home, he ubered us to another bar. I was mad but didn't want to "ruin the night". One drink here then we go home. He was swaying back and forth on the bar stool, eating a basket of popcorn, spilling all over the floor. He ordered a shot and a drink, I asked him to drink a water before more booze. He took the shot and went to the bathroom. In a bar we had been to hundreds of times he could not find the bathroom and walked outside. When he walked away the bartender said "Sweetie, WHAT are you doing with this guy?". I gave her his full drink to throw out and closed our tab. By the time he got back I told him it was his idea to go home, and luckily he believed me. When we got home he fell and hit his head on my wall heater and knocked himself out. I took that opportunity to hide his keys. When we woke up the next day, he was sorry. He went to watch a game with his friends, but we would have dinner later. He text me hours later that he missed me and suggested Father's Day plans with our families. Three hours later I asked him to call me to talk about dinner and he never responded. 1am I text him "I just can't believe you". He wrote back right away "I bet." He didn't respond to me or contact me for a week. When he finally called, he broke up with me and cut me out of his life completely and immediately.
I still love him 6 months later. He is online dating, moving on with his life, and that hurts me. I feel forgettable and replaceable. But I do not miss the constant disappointment and worry. And I do not want the rest of my life to look like the above.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Thank you all for sharing these stories. I've been involved with a guy for the last three years who sounds like a combination of some of yours. I've been stood up, had him cancel on me repeatedly at the last minute. He's avoided me. on and on. Over the last year or so our contact has diminished.
I started reading these stories and advice a week ago. I decided last Tuesday that I'd had enough. I haven't called. He texted me last Wednesday and I just deleted it.
Thank you all for sharing. You've given me the final kick I've been needing to cut him out of my life. I've thought of these posts and reread ya'lls advice everytime I've been tempted to contact him. I should've done this a year ago.
I started reading these stories and advice a week ago. I decided last Tuesday that I'd had enough. I haven't called. He texted me last Wednesday and I just deleted it.
Thank you all for sharing. You've given me the final kick I've been needing to cut him out of my life. I've thought of these posts and reread ya'lls advice everytime I've been tempted to contact him. I should've done this a year ago.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Expanding...so well written and wow can I relate to what you experienced. One being the "driver"...my ex lost his license and I would drive everywhere. I too lived in a fog and wow does it feel damn good to come out of it and see things clearly with MY eyes. It's a great feeling when you can take control of your life and find happiness. I hope you are finding yours.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by GiGi707 
I still love him 6 months later. He is online dating, moving on with his life, and that hurts me. I feel forgettable and replaceable. But I do not miss the constant disappointment and worry. And I do not want the rest of my life to look like the above.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I knew because I told him I'd divorce him if he relapses again. I knew when I dropped him off in rehab on Valentine's Day, mind you. Him stumbling around, blabbering about how at least he was always faithful. I had that very cold feeling in my feet, literally cold feet. And hollow feeling in my chest. And then I found out while driving from rehab about infidelity with this sad unemployed addict woman. Because this woman was so high/drunk that she continued to text his phone after he checked in and told her not to text him. She could not spell to save her life.
All the love and respect evaporated at once and were replaced by feeling sorry for him, with a twinge of disgust. At once, I stopped feeling love for him. On Valentine's Day. Two days before we were cuddling on the couch holding hands. It has always being a big fat scam. No more. I could not imagine taking care of him for one more minute. Most definitely my rock bottom.
All the love and respect evaporated at once and were replaced by feeling sorry for him, with a twinge of disgust. At once, I stopped feeling love for him. On Valentine's Day. Two days before we were cuddling on the couch holding hands. It has always being a big fat scam. No more. I could not imagine taking care of him for one more minute. Most definitely my rock bottom.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by gbriezy
No. His behavior does not reflect the type of person you are, which I'm sure is wonderful and absolutely not replaceable. You dodged a bullet here. Thank god he left. Feel sorry for the next one that has to deal with his terrible and selfish actions. Be kind to yourself and start moving on.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
I knew it was over when I let him move back in with the family. He hadn't changed, still drank, never apologized or accepted any of his own behavior. I told him I wouldn't support him again (financially), he lost his job and I began supporting him again all while he continued drinking. He eventually got a job and still remained selfish with his money. He figured since I made so much more than he did, that I should/could/would continue paying for everything. I asked him for money for food and he would throw me a $20.00 bill and expect to eat for 2 weeks. He is beyond just an alcoholic, he is selfish. He has never treated me good. I want to be happy and loved, I deserve that. I figured I could love myself better alone than he could ever do, for me at least. Some people are just not meant to be together, and he and I are not compatible in our dreams, needs and desires. I was finally done.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
I should have known it was over when I began to dread bringing him to family or friend events. When he turned out to be the worst date to weddings over and over and over. When I had to repeatedly beg him to stop drinking, stop yelling, stop, stop, stop. When he never fulfilled his promises of a "Sober January" or "no drinking until [fill in the blank]."
I should have known when he repeatedly put his life and my life in danger by drinking and driving. When he showed up obviously wasted at my niece's baptism at 10:00 am. The seemingly hundreds of times I cleaned up his vomit, his mess, his soiled sheets. I should have known when I started measuring the amount of booze in the bottles and smelling his breath.
I really should have known when I started to not recognize myself. Where did that confident and fun loving woman go!? Why was I so irritable? Why was I crying so much? Where was my partner? I remember all I wanted was for him to want to do something with me... grocery shop, walk the dog, talk, ... anything. I should have known when I found out he told practical strangers that he drank a few beers each night to come home to me (that one still stings). I should have known by the way he treated me. And countless other examples...
I finally began to recognize and realize things were soooo wrong when I made an appointment with a therapist. All we did was talk about AH. She told me to check out Al-Anon at least ten times before I went... and I only started going because a few weeks after he (finally) went to rehab he told me he was so unhappy in our marriage and that it was one of the reasons he drank.
I finally realized how much recovery I needed. I didn't even know how damaged I was internally. I am so thankful he hit his rock bottom (and didn't physically hurt anyone in doing so) so that I could finally wake up from the fog.
I've come to this site several times a day over the past few weeks - it really is strengthening. Thank you all for sharing and for allowing us a safe place to vent.
Today I've been out of the house (thank goodness for supportive family near!) for almost 6 weeks, in therapy and continuing to go to Al-Anon when I can. I'm also talking about this all with my inner-circle... and the support has been overwhelming. I am finally feeling more and more myself. I do still struggle when he wants to text... and he is begging for me to come back. He doesn't comprehend that he has had countless chances... I am d-o-n-e.
I should have known when he repeatedly put his life and my life in danger by drinking and driving. When he showed up obviously wasted at my niece's baptism at 10:00 am. The seemingly hundreds of times I cleaned up his vomit, his mess, his soiled sheets. I should have known when I started measuring the amount of booze in the bottles and smelling his breath.
I really should have known when I started to not recognize myself. Where did that confident and fun loving woman go!? Why was I so irritable? Why was I crying so much? Where was my partner? I remember all I wanted was for him to want to do something with me... grocery shop, walk the dog, talk, ... anything. I should have known when I found out he told practical strangers that he drank a few beers each night to come home to me (that one still stings). I should have known by the way he treated me. And countless other examples...
I finally began to recognize and realize things were soooo wrong when I made an appointment with a therapist. All we did was talk about AH. She told me to check out Al-Anon at least ten times before I went... and I only started going because a few weeks after he (finally) went to rehab he told me he was so unhappy in our marriage and that it was one of the reasons he drank.
I finally realized how much recovery I needed. I didn't even know how damaged I was internally. I am so thankful he hit his rock bottom (and didn't physically hurt anyone in doing so) so that I could finally wake up from the fog.
I've come to this site several times a day over the past few weeks - it really is strengthening. Thank you all for sharing and for allowing us a safe place to vent.
Today I've been out of the house (thank goodness for supportive family near!) for almost 6 weeks, in therapy and continuing to go to Al-Anon when I can. I'm also talking about this all with my inner-circle... and the support has been overwhelming. I am finally feeling more and more myself. I do still struggle when he wants to text... and he is begging for me to come back. He doesn't comprehend that he has had countless chances... I am d-o-n-e.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
I knew it was over not because of anything he'd done but because of what I'd realized. I did not want to spend the rest of my life trying to get someone to change who didn't want to change . . . and I realized I didn't have to. For 5 years I was trapped by my wedding vows until I came on here, learned from others, learned to meditate, and realized that the best thing I could do was figure out what I wanted, and make it happen.
After reading this thread today, I realized that in that entire 11 months since I left my STBXAH, no one has yelled at me. No fights, no being cussed at, no sleepless nights waiting for my husband to come upstairs to accost me, one way or another. My life, and my children's lives, are our own again.
After reading this thread today, I realized that in that entire 11 months since I left my STBXAH, no one has yelled at me. No fights, no being cussed at, no sleepless nights waiting for my husband to come upstairs to accost me, one way or another. My life, and my children's lives, are our own again.
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