Smarie78

My codependency is making him sick. I am literally playing a hand in slowly killing him - helping him die. Giving him the gun. I must MUST summon the courage to act this time. He has been on a 3 week binge with breaks of 2-3 days where I think it's over. They use to come every few months so it felt like there was hope because he could go these extended periods of not drinking. But this is the first time I am witnessing back to back binges with instead of months between, only a few days. And even during those days he isn't really normal - just detoxing and binge watching television (because it helps his mind turn off he says...as you can see, doesn't matter if its TV or booze, this man wants to escape.)

I will try again today. By the grace of God I will try and commit and get him out of my home. I am not helping - nothing changes. The moment I leave home he is back to boozing. Thankfully I am not experiencing the panic attacks this week when I sense he is off the wagon, but by God I MUST force him to leave if I cannot force him to stop drinking, which I KNOW I cannot. I kept giving chances, I could not bring myself to kick him out and as soon as I was about to he sobered up and cried for one more chance. The short-term sobriety or I should say, inactive periods of not drinking, leech onto my codie persona powerfully and before you know it he is allowed again into the house because of the mask of good behavior.

I leave one day, and he is back to business. I don't even know who he is anymore because when he stops drinking for a couple of days lately he doesn't even seem there - just a shell of the man I knew.

I know I can do it this time. I will close my eyes tight and throw on my side blinders and be a big girl. I can save our lives - at least this way there may be a chance.

thousandwords53

You can totally do it. Just stick with it. Follow through 100%.
I understand completely how inactive drinking or any effort to do so can derail you. But don't let it this time. You got this.

ardy

I know what you mean... love my hubby to bits.. but the fall and the removal of the morphine... he just has gotten worse. then before... he had to climb the sink in the bathroom to fix the light in the ceiling.. yep the cats told on him.. he fell again and tried to hide it from me.......

we had a terrible fight about two weeks ago... I stayed with some friends and hid the car... this is just so hard.. to deal with I miss my hubby of 2006 so much..

atalose

His survival depends on giving up the booze – your survival depends on giving up the alcoholic.

He is nowhere near ready to stop drinking. Are you truly ready to stop your addiction to him?

Are you ready to totally abstain from him, having no contact what’s so ever? Ending this toxic relationship for good?

Most alcoholics will announce they want to stop, they may say they are going to make plans to do so in a day or two or next week……….that’s how you know they are not ready at all. Because someone who wants nothing more than to change their lives does it, right now today with no hesitations.

So, are you really ready?

Bekindalways

Heya Smarie, I would so love to hear that you are ready to give up your A. I know you want to. Can you make a plan for what you are going to do i.e. Block phone and text, who you will call if he shows up on your front porch, who you will call if you start to get anxious about his well being, what you will do for exercise, what spiritual practice will you start or deepen. (The As have an outline of a plan on their newcomers forum stickies but we don't have something like that)

Sometimes I think there should be rehab for us Codies; a place we can go with tons of support for taking care of ourselves and little possibility of contacting the A. I kind of did this when I left my A; I went to Bolivia for 6 months. Back then it was pretty complicated to even place a phone call out of the country so it was a good thing for me.

I can't remember if you have gotten yourself to an Alanon meeting. Does anyone know anyone that did 90 alanon meetings in 90 days? Smarie, you might be a candidate for something like this. Hmmm . . . would probably be even better than moving to Bolivia (-;

Bekindalways

I guess I'm saying that Yes you can do it but not without a lot of support and some profound growth. Even if you do do it, all of us Codies have a strong possibility of finding someone else with whom to have just as sick a relationship as our last one.

I hope I'm not too much of a downer here Smarie; I just relate a bit too much to your struggle - sigh.

Maudcat

Bekind has good advice. Smarie. If you get him to leave, please put a plan in place for when/ if he shows up on your doorstep asking for "one more chance." You have given him a ton of opportunities to be a sober companion in your life. He can't do it, not now. It's time to push him out of your house, , slam and lock the door, and call the police if he comes back. Harsh, I know. I wish my parents had done that when my alcoholic wreck of a brother showed up on their doorstep for the umpteenth time. Their old age would have been more peaceful without an alcoholic in it. Peace.

Seren

There are so many parallels between active alcoholics and codependents. I've seen this in my own life and in the stories I read here on SR.

It seems that the pain and consequences of drinking have to outweigh the pain of giving up the numbing comfort of alcohol in order for real change to begin. That decision to change is entirely in the hands of the person suffering with addiction once they have reached that tipping point.

For us, too, it seems that there has to be something that is a 'greater pain'. In other words, the pain we feel because of the drama and chaos due to a loved one's active addiction has to outweigh the pain of letting go. For us, the decision to let go is entirely in our hands once we have reached our tipping point.

You are an intelligent woman, Smarie. I know...that you will know...when you are ready to get off of this merry-go-round. I hope this evening that you have some peace.