faithfully

Ex addict/alcoholic in hospital again, 4 detoxes in 2 years. I mistakenly let him move in temporarily after his last roomate died and he was going to be homeless.

In and out of hospitals for 2 years, nothing but drama and dismay in my life, living on couch at friends for 3 months, he wouldn't leave house I rent. Police couldn't remove him as his welfare check registered to this address though he doesn't pay rent.

Hospital social workers pretty useless so far, same with counselling centere near by, he can't walk, but they say (oh when he is out of the hospital he can come in) yeah sure, he can't walk people!!!!!!!!!!!! can barely care for himself, has numerous mental and physical health issues and could be nearly dead with liver disease.

Of course they give me the list of rehabs to call and then say a doctor needs to get him in or else he's on a waiting list. I want him to go direct to rehab not come back to the house.

I was all set up to go back east to live, a place lined up and everything but now here we are again, he can't find a place himself, can't take care of himself, his body and brain are gone and who knows if he will even make it out of this detox, thank goodness he told nurse he wants to go to rehab.

I've been wanting to move out of the house and go back east, but again, I can't because of course, he needs my help, again. What about me? I've got my own problems and not very good at dealing with life as it is! I am a nervous wreck and can't even make decisions anymore! I am going through menopause and am not well balanced at all!!! Not to mention he's put me through hell for half a year now, kept drinking and smoking in house though I told him not too, yelling being generally an asshol drunk, forcing me out of the house, Now they want me to find him a rehab and there's waiting lists at least a month for all the province sponsored ones, WTF??????? I don't want him to be homeless or ill but I don't want to pick up the pieces again!!! I'm going to BURST!!!

LexieCat

I'd go ahead and make that move you want to make. You aren't responsible for his life. Let the social workers find him a rehab. You've done what you can for him.

You are entitled to a peaceful life. You aren't obligated to support him and his illness forever. Imagine yourself placing him in the hands of his OWN higher power. You can contact AA and ask someone to come and talk to him in the hospital. They will do that--and they are far better equipped to help him than you are.

TimeForMe

I agree 100% with LexieCat. What a terrible situation you're in.

Maudcat

You could walk away, make the move you want to make. Sounds like you have done as much as you can do. The rest is up to him. Good luck.

teatreeoil007

Sweetie-this sounds like a freakin' nightmare and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am of the mind that there are not enough resources to go around for the many people who seriously need the help and it's really tough to be told you have to wait a whole month. Really tough.

But-you've got to live your life and be happy and healthy. He is more than a handful to take care of and you shouldn't have live with that stuff day in and day out. If you have the means to move and things lined up for that, I say go for and don't feel guilty. He has seriously mistreated you...don't put up with anything like that. Save yourself. It's not your job to find him housing. The hospital social worker needs to get it in gear and do that.

maia1234

Faith,
You joined in 2007!! You have been dealing with your addict for almost 10 years. It is time for you to give him to God. He is not your responsibility. Why can't he be on the streets? Why does he need to live with you? Why can't you move out east like you want too? Why do you need to call a Dr. and find him a rehab? You are not God, and saving your ex addict/alcoholics life is not your responsibility.

You state:
1. he's put me through hell for half a year now,
2. kept drinking and smoking in house though I told him not too,
3. yelling being generally an asshol drunk,
4. forcing me out of the house,

Not sure why you would even consider putting your life on hold for another couple years trying to save this man. Please move and don't give anyone a forwarding address. Let him hit his rock bottom on the streets, find a rehab and work his own program. You enabling him year after year is only hurting this mans recovery.

Please follow through with your plans, cut ties with the hospitals, Dr's and him. Live your life and pray that he might one day find that peace that he so deserves. Hugs my friend, we do care, but at some point in your life you need to take care of you!!

Sissyfuss

Maia is telling you exactly how it is and I agree 100%. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. It's between him and his higher power. I know it's hard to get out of the way but that is what is needed for both of you. You are responsible only for your recovery and no one else's. Seek your higher power, try Alanon, and best wishes. You'll be amazed at how far you can travel.

Berrybean

While he's not there, can't you change the locks. He can get his welfare check send where ever he wants to. From the sounds of it he is completely disrespectful of you and your home, and while you do nothing to stop him he will carry on.

I know you don't want to see him on the streets but that doesn't mean that you are responsible for him. HE has to take that responsibility. And while you let this carry on he has no motivation for doing that.

Berrybean

Faithfully, have you reread your old threads. The advise on them is still pertinent as nothing has changed. Are you still attending AlAnon? Did you get a sponsor and work the steps with them? Did you read that Codependency No More book. Really and honestly you will never manage to change HIM. All you can do is change your own thinking so that you are willing to take responsibility of your own life and own happiness. You are not the only person who can help him. You are just the only person who is willing to do so on his terms (ie allowing him to act like an active addict brat). Why do you think he didn't want the nursing team coming in his place? It's because he'd soon be busted when they saw evidence of illegal drug taking on the premises. Whereas you allow it. And will, with enough moaning and groaning on his part, even facilitate it. He doesn't care about you. You're just the soft touch that let's him have everything his own way as much as possible, and will then even put up with his griping that you don't give him more.

The thing is, just as he won't act on sound advice, neither will you. And that's why, over 9 years later, you're still asking the same questions and ignoring the same advise. Codependency is like an addiction. We need to find the willingness to change if things are ever going to get better.

If you are not going to listen to the people here, could you perhaps talk to your minister or someone at church? Perhaps they could reassure you that you have responsibility for yourself over responsibility for someone who refuses all other help.

Heres a quote for you, from you: Faithfully 04-11-2012

'After the conversation I just had with him, I am going to run for the hills as has been suggested. He has refused the nurse home care before, 2 times, once the doc at hospital tried to set up, the other time I set up through my doc. I was with him when the nurse came over one time. After that he said they can't do anything for him anyways.

It was clear in the last conversation I had with him today, where I tried to set the boundary of no money, that all he is interested in is getting money. He was angry, said he things that showed he was ungrateful, didn't want the food I bring all he wants clearly, is money so that "he can function, clean his room and put bandages on his wounds". I have heard this so many times and then even after he has money, he still does not clean or bandage his wounds. If I say get home care to help, he says no, if I say call an ambulance if it's that bad he says no. There is no other way as long as I am in contact with him. He is clearly ungrateful, blames me, accuses me and threatens me so I am no longer going to be around. I will change my numbers. I will move, it's too bad I took him out here to go fishing once, otherwise I wouldn't worry about moving but he could bring someone to drive him out here.*

As long as I am in contact with him the no money rule just can't apply. I have to go no contact and shut the door to this chapter of my life and move on. Then I have to be sure to never look back. Otherwise he will continue to ask me for money and if he doesn't get it, will make threats, blame me, be mean to me, etc etc and simply I am not strong enough to say no under these circumstances, as the threats either scare me that he will hurt me, himself or someone else.'

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anymore-2.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ould-i-do.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ne-relate.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...me-advice.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-get-help.html

And your first ever thread started in September 2007... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nt-let-go.html

faithfully

i lived on my own without him for 4 recent years happily yes went to alanon yes read all kinds of codependency books - he had another person in his life for 3 years and quit drugs went off methadone and kept drinking to extreme unfortunately. my mistake was to let him move in and keep helping hm as friend get tondoctors and wound care - he was only supposed to stay til he found another place but ended up in hospital within first couple weeks then detxed for 5 months bedridden - this is a very sicknman with serious disabilities - i had no idea how sick from drinking he got the past several years - publically slapping me is why i dont like posting here but thanks everyone else for support

faithfully

will be last time here due to what I consider violation of privacy by posting of my previous posts from years ago by forum member - the time i left in 2007 he ended up in hospital with 2/3 of body skin graphed then out on streets with unhealed wounds that were infected with mrsa staph from hospital -and to this day those wounds never healed - even though other wounds from more recent surgeries or cuts have healed - might have something to do with why i dont like leaving sick people i consider family - in hospitals unsupervised

maia1234

Faith,
Yes he is a very sick man, and you have supported him over the years, no one is denying that to you. But at what point do you accept the fact that you are not helping him, but enabling him? You are continuing to give him a roof over his head, and food in his mouth, so he doesn't have to do that for himself. You give him no reason for being hungry or cold, to reach for help from someone who is qualified to help him.

I am sorry that you feel we shamed you. There is no difference in an addict and a codie, we are both very sick people. The old saying "nothing changes, if nothing changes". You come here for support and hope. Some times us codies (just like an addict) don't want to hear "what we need to hear".

We understand that you feel you are the only one that can truly help this man. But at what cost to your life and sanity will it take? Obviously, you are still not there yet, but at some point you will have to get off the sinking ship before it takes you down too.

We do care, you have tried to help this man, but try and accept the fact that you are not qualifed to give this man the true help that he needs and deserves. Love yourself enough to put on your oxygen mask first.

Berrybean

I'm sorry that you feel we shamed you as well. In the past, when I've felt that old patterns were re-emerging for me, I have reread my old posts and the responses that I've been given. I found that helpful myself and thought that you might as well. I must admit to being shocked that this person is still making your life miserable after all that time. Time sneaks past us and before we know it we lose decades while we wait for things to change. And the thing is, nothing changes if nothing changes, and we can't change other people.

I hope things get better for you soon, and again, apologies if you felt that I was violating your privacy.

honeypig

faithfully, how could your privacy possibly be violated by someone posting links to threads that you posted yourself in this very same public forum? Those threads were not "private" then, and they are not "private" now--this is the internet, and anyone who wants to can come on here and read what we post.

No one was "publicly slapping you." That member was simply looking to understand where you were coming from so as to be most helpful to you. If you prefer not to be reminded that you've been over this same ground before, that is not on her...as another member said, sometimes what we need to hear most is NOT what we WANT to hear.

I understand your feeling of shame, but I don't know that it came from anyone here. There is a thread about the shame and embarrassment that the non-A can feel right here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ent-shame.html Maybe some of it will resonate w/you.

On the one hand, everyone has his/her own schedule for recovery, and no one else can say how fast or slow you "should" go.

On the other hand, as was pointed out by another member, "nothing changes if nothing changes."

I wish you strength and clarity as you try to find your way.

And if you truly feel your "privacy" is violated by others being able to read your past posts, perhaps you should contact a mod or admin about erasing your past posts and threads. I'm not sure what you'd gain by this, but I'm certain they will accommodate you if they can.

atalose

Are you a nurse who specializes in infectious disease and womb care?

You have reached a crossroads once again with having to make a hard decision. Either bring him back into your home, take care of him and be resentful with feelings of bursting or put your faith into the hands of the professionals and facilities who can care for a very sick man.

Don’t make the same mistake twice.

faithfully

Of course it's the same ground, and I should not have let him move in temporarily. The addict will try to make an enabler out of anyone they engage with. The only way to not enable an addict is to have nothing to do with them. They don't want people for anything anyways except to enable them when they are in active addiction, that means ANYONE. There is nothing they want from you. Not friendship, love or support. They only want to use and abuse that's it. They are basically possessed (yes like in demons). I got very good at saying NO to requests, turning away, leaving to his own devices, he still found a way to use and abuse. When he ran out of money, he still found a way to use and abuse. When he went on the streets, he still found a way to use and abuse. When I left the scene for several years, he still found a way to use and abuse. After 4 detoxes and being told he's gonna die, he still found a way to use and abuse. He just found another way to do it. The only way to not enable an addict is to have nothing to do with them unless they are in recovery. Addicts/alcoholics only want you for one thing anyways. When you turn away they may or may not hit rock bottom. When they hit rock bottom, they may or may not change. Some people's rock bottom is death.

maia1234

Faith, you are absolutely correct, use and abuse you. We love them so much that we allow them to use and abuse us.

I finally went no contact June 16 from my axh after 34 years together. It is an amazing feeling telling myself that God needs to take care of him, he can do a better job then me.

You have put your life on hold for 10 years. Move and go do what you want to do. You have been a very good friend to him, he won't get help, so move on. Our life is short, you need to enjoy every minute of it!! Hugs my friend, you will be ok!!!

jojo82

Maybe he really can take care of himself if given the chance.

Forgive and forget.

atalose

Maybe all of the pieces towards your happiness are beginning to fall into place. He is where he needs to be right now, in a hospital surrounded by the professional and social workers. Tell the social worker you are moving and cannot and will not bring him into your home. You can refuse because his condition is beyond what any help/support you could offer right now.

Make those plans to move, cut your ties and stand your ground.