Kw0920

Hi All....First I just wanted to thank everyone for not only giving advice but sharing so openly in your own stories as well as in your answers to all the threads...it is something I check in with daily...sometimes more...and i have learned very valuable things as well as just knowing I am not alone.
AH and I have been separated 3 weeks tomorrow...he is doing his best to get sober and well...he has 11 days today (would have been more ---but he had a slip). Life is good...I feel good...mostly all the time...I know deep down there is a lot of love for each-other...and I know that will always be...but I also know that I am tired of living like we have been...I am not sure that I will be able to trust him again...or detach from the alcoholics actions during our relationship. I just don't think i will ever feel total trust....and i just don't know how you manage to have a relationship when there has been so much trust lost...it can't be healthy...and I just want to be healthy...happy...and secure.
I start counseling next week...which I am looking forward to. I want to dig...to find out why my co-dependency is so prevalent in my relationships with men and why i feel the need to give a little inch to AH every now and then...i feel done...but i know i am not there completely. I have allowed the boundaries to get muddled as he has stated that it hurts him when i say things that show i have no hope for us...and I keep trying to tell him that until we are both feeling stronger...healthier then the hard conversations are going to have to wait....that neither one of is ready to really be honest....this is one of the major things i am going to work with my counselor on....how to be the one to end things. He speaks out of fear...and I know that ....I am doing my best to not react to that...to not give in....I know my issues ....I want to change....I just hate being the one hurting the other...even if it isn't valid...that he is speaking out of fear...and nothing else..

firebolt

I am so glad you are taking steps to get healthier. You deserve it, you've earned this time to work on yourself!! I hope he does the same, but you just keep moving forward no matter what he does. You are inspiring!

dandylion

Kw.....I get what you say about the feelings of hating to be the "bad guy".
I think that every one of us have been there...regardless of who our alcoholic loved one is.....
We hate to think that we are the "cause" of another human's pain.
And...I think that is a good thing, at baseline. Isn't that what we were taught in school and at home and in church? This ability does give us the capacity for empathy...and, thereby, keeps us Civilized!
At the same time, Mother Nature gave us the sense of self preservation....the instinct and the ability to prevent ourselves from destruction. All animals have that (and, plants, too!). For example, when a plant is exposed to destructive elements for too long, it will begin to blossom and bear fruit or seed, earlier than usual...to ensure the survival of the species.

The way I look at it...here is the stickey wicket---manipulative people (like addicts) can, sometimes, get us so twisted around, that we misuse these Natural gifts. We "forget" all about ourselves. We have so much empathy that we give everything we have to another...even if it short changes us. We forget that we matter, just as m uch as they do!
We forget all about self preservation and allow others to suck the life o ut of us.
In doing so....it allows us to trust too much--even when our rational mind tells us that reality says something else.

In your situation, I think it might help to remember YOUR levels of hurt, also.
I imagine that you are carrying around a ton of pain in a potato sack.
When he says that it hurts him when you consider ending this contract....does it hurt him enough to go to AA and do what it takes to get really sober??
His fear of getting sober...for good....will, ultimately, destroy everything in it's path...both of you and the marriage, to boot.
If you go over to his side with the empathy and disregard for your own survival....you will contribute to the destruction that is going on. In the overall picture...the really big picture...that is what would make you the "bad guy"...lol...

The "good guy" would get out of his way, and, at least, give him the opportunity to face his fears...if he is ever going to. Alcoholics will, usually not make the decision to give up drinking until the stakes get so high that sobriety looks better than continuing to drink. They can, sometimes, do it for the shorter haul...but, without working a program as their first priority, they will almost never get lifelong sobriety......that is just a statistical fact.

The reason that I am typing the "Winds of War", here, is to give you some food for thought....for when you are feeling guilty...when you are feeling like the "bad guy".

It is great that you are seeing the counselor nest week.
The fact that you want to change, means that you are already on your way.....

Kw0920

You are so right dandylion.... and I look forward to facing this challenge with therapy...i truly am ready to make the road to my recovery...to feel whole and happy....to just be me...
I just hate feeling that I am crossing lines with him so he is happy...and secure as much as he can be right now....this is my issue...and I know that....it is his manipulation...his words....his making me feel guilty by bringing in everything " i am doing wrong" or how where i am at "is so unhealthy"...bringing in our kids...families.....so much to deal with.................UGH
I want to "detach with love" but i am in so much pain...and even though i know he can be sober...I just don't know how vulnerable he can be to really complete the process....even though of course i want him to accomplish a new meaning for life....even if i am not part of it in the "end"....

dandylion

Yep, I have heard others say that when one door closes, another door opens....but it sure can be hell in the middle.....
I know that it sure was or me....

Smarie78

I hit my bottom with my Abf and finally exploded on him that I simply cannot live like this anymore. I am depressed, anxious, and overall living with a big dark cloud over my head after hearing the same thing after each binge - all the broken promises that repeat like a broken record. My sanity can't take it anymore. I love him deeply, but my body will no longer allow me to live this way. It is exhausting and just like the A, we too hit our bottoms at some point or another.

The A in my life has broken my trust on everything and it is a very painful thing to endure. Especially because I always saw him as my best friend and thought we always were on the same page. Between the infidelity and abusive behaviors, I really can't see how I can trust someone I once loved so deeply, and still love, again. Especially when everytime I am about to ...and allow myself to get a tiny bit vulnerable again, he breaks it all over again. The other day I simply just said to him..."I want to be happy again. I want to be the person I was before who felt good. I just want the basics. I have never asked you for more. Just the very basics". Why are we pleading for the basics? It seems crazy but when you are so far down the rabbit hole with the A in your life, you find yourself just asking for the simple things.

You are done simply because giving anything else feels insane. How do you go back to acting like everything is ok, as much as we want to. It's the absolute worst when you know it's done and while accepting that, not ready to put the final nail in the coffin and give it living breathing life. Like you, He is starving for my attention and affection and I am starving to give it to him, but I have to resist it because it will do us no good. I hate that I am not there making it better like I always do. I know it's the right thing to do but how I hate it. I want to just disappear with him but I know I can't. I need to let go and while I am getting there more aggressively than ever before, the leap feels impossible. He is a part of me and that love will always be there, no matter how beat up and bruised it is.

Kw0920

Oh Smarie78....that last paragraph...yes....that is what i needed to hear!!!!!!! Thank you

CaptainM

Smarie and KW -- I am in the same boat. I am SO ready to take this last leap and finally serve divorce papers to AH, but I do hold on to guilt that I am leaving him at his "worst" -- but then I think back to all of the hurt and pain he has put in my life and I know that I need to move on and move on for good. I deserve so much more than what he can give.

I do like the saying from above "When one door closes, another one opens. But there is hell in the hallway" -- we can get through this hell; just keep on trucking!

maia1234

Ladies,

Please remember, filing for divorce is not a death sentence. The process of divorce takes a long time. If by chance he "gets" his act together, in the 6 months or a year till the divorce is final, you can always put it on hold or cancel it.

It is scary to finally accept that this is what you "need" to do. I cried my eyes out in court signing the divorce papers. The judge told the bailiff to hand me a box of tissues. It was not what I wanted to do and I loved my husband with all my heart. I knew it was the best thing for me, as I had wasted 34 years of my life waiting for that miracle of sobriety. It will be 2 years this Saturday that we divorced, and his life is still swirling out of control. I don't see it and live with it , so I am doing ok.

Take your time and educate yourself, you need to feel comfortable with what you are choosing to do, so you can follow through with what ever it is. Sending hugs to all three of you!!

Smarie78

My partner and I aren't married so you ladies have my deepest prayers as I can't imagine how difficult it would be. But yes, walking away from someone spiraling this way is all the more painful because on one hand the answer couldn't be more clear. There are no more excuses left from them. No matter how much I have suppressed his disease by waiting for a miracle that never came, i am just as much in need of facing the music as he is. I know that my life is starting to unravel and well, no sense on going down along with him. But am I there yet feeling empowered to essentially save myself? Only because any other way would define insanity. I just want to save him too. Those precious moments when I use to see the real man behind the booze. The tenderness, the soul. Those moments make the leap to freedom hard. As though doing what is best feels like you are leaving him in the burning building while you climb out the window. You keep trying to pull him out with you, but he won't move or he just tells you to go ahead and he'll be right there behind you even though you know he isn't coming.

So it's a matter of getting out of there and allowing him his own freedom to stay inside.

dandylion

Smarie.....I know that you see him as totally incapable. I wonder if you have ever looked at it this way----what if you had no choice in your life or his. What would he do?
For example---What would happen, if, God forbid, you got hit by a damned ole train?!!
Would he go back to his wife? Would he go to his mother's? Would he go to the Salvation army? Would he go to one of the city shelters? Would he go couch surfing with other acquaintences? Would he l ive on the streets?
You know---lots of people do live on the streets, by their own choice. My own son did for a while--he lilved in a tent in the edge of the woods, near a shopping center....because I wouldn't let him come to our house while drinking...a beautiful house with loving people just a few blocks away. He would ride his bicycle over and sit talking to me on the porch when he was sober, though...lol...
(he later got sober).
Would he find another enabler to fill your shoes? Check it out---on these thousands and thousands of threads...there are as many enablers as there alcoholics, out there. **apparently, your alcoholic has the social skill to attract co-dependents, quite well**.
Would he go to AA and commit himself to sobriety and a spiritual path.....possibly. There are millions of alcoholics who are living in sobriety because the alcoholism finally became too painful. A huge number of these same people were living on the streets, were thrown out by their families, fired from their jobs, became too sick to function, living in shelters.....before they fo und their moment of clarity.

I am just giving you some more food for thought.....

maia1234

I couldn't agree more dandy. They say, "God doesn't need our help, he can help each and every addict who reaches out for his help".

Sending strength to each and every codie on this forum, searching for that light bulb moment!!