Windancer

I really need to do something about the terrible pain I have about this. Or maybe I deserve the pain because I'm so horrible. One of my deepest, darkest secrets (that are likely not so secret) is that I have blacked out and become violent to myself (self harm) and others (loved ones nearest to me) while drunk. Not once. Not twice. Numerous times.

I am so ashamed. I feel like filth. Scum, A waste of skin. A **** poor excuse for a human being. A banshee. A monster.

Sober I don't have a violent bone in my body (though self harm is sometimes an issue).

Has anyone else experienced this? Or am I the only one?

Silver11

I'm very sorry for the pain you are going through. I have never self harmed. But when I was younger I lost nearly all my friends because I used to sucker punch them when I was drunk and thought it was hilarious

I don't do that anymore but I know the feeling of waking up with family and friends avoiding me. Sitting with a hangover wondering with dread the things I might have done.

Sending you prayers. I hope you find peace

Delizadee

Windancer

Have you had the chance to talk to a therapist or sponsor about this?

My friend, it's in the past. You can't change it. You can work on figuring out how to make amends where it's appropriate or needed, and just letting go of the rest of it.

It will take some time, and work on your part. We've all done a lot of ******, ****** things drunk, so please don't think you are all alone in this. I have become extremely violent too.
All I can do is work on today and having calm and being gentle and doing the living amends.

Please take all those bad words out of your head. You are NOT your past, you are not your past actions. And you will never be able to heal properly if you harbour such deep shame for yourself forever and ever.

Much love,
Del

AdelineRose

We have all done things that we regret, that destroy us inside, that we can't believe happened, that we are disgusted with ourselves over but I have personally found that there is nothing that can be done in the past, so instead of dwelling on the past make a plan to make sure that it never happens again. Beating yourself up will not change anything, but making a plan and working on your recovery will change the future and make sure this never happens again.

Have you considering finding a counselor that can help you navigate you through your regret and help you move forward in a constructive way? I have also found that speaking to my loved ones- opening myself up and being honest has been the best thing I could do to myself. Could they be mad? Yes. Can they need time or to wait for the actions that prove you are serious? Yes. Can they share their own opinions on the topic? Yes. Whether they are positive or need more time, at least you have started the dialogue which might also help moving forward.

I pray you forgive yourself and find the strength to move past this. You are not a bad person no matter how much you might try to tell yourself- the way to change is to take the steps to help yourself- things will get better and the more you move forward the easier it will be to forgive yourself. I know you can do it!

trachemys

Well, you know the solution: stop drinking.

Sorry it's that simple.

Or, Sorry, it's that simple.

If you stop drinking, it all stops, right?

Dee74

I think most of us have things we regret or even things we're deeply ashamed of that we did in our drinking days.

For me, it took a long time after I stopped drinking to deal with some of those things...

We have to take responsibility - but that doesn't mean we have to whip ourselves daily either.

It can get to a point where beating ourselves up becomes self-indulgent.

In the end, we have to forgive ourselves.

We were sick, and now we're better

D

JK130

You are not alone. Do the behaviors you describe bring you more pain than alcohol brings pleasure? If you are ready to step away from alcohol, you can put those blackout behaviors behind you. You don't have to be that person anymore.

Thank you for sharing. I understand. What do you need to put in place to make tomorrow Day 1? I know you can do it!

Windancer

Oh, just to clarify to everyone I am 40 days sober and have a Recovery Plan that is working well for me this far. I know I am still an infant in Recovery but I am 120% committed to my Recovery.

I never want to let loose the drunken me again.

Venecia

Congrats, Windancer, on your 40 days of sobriety. That is a great accomplishment.

If I read your post correctly, self-harm is an issue regardless of whether alcohol is involved. That is a painful acknowledgement.

I believe the pain inside you is spilling over. These are the times when work with a qualified therapist/counselor is the right path. No one should inflict harm upon herself. I hope that you'll get professional help so that you can live the life you deserve.

Take care.

Windancer

Hi there. Yes, I see my psychologist regularly and also have a great Sponsor. I am healing and getting better ..it is a process.

And you are right. I do need to stop calling myself horrible names. I am not my past.

Windancer

You are quite right. I have gotten much better and am finally on the right track now. I just must remember to use the tools that I have learned. Oh, I do see my psychologist regularly too.

Last night was a particularly dark moment for me.

tomsteve

my fiancé once told me," youre the most loving man ive ever known, but when you drink you can be evil.
with time that turned into," youre the most loving man I know, but when you drink youre nothing but evil."
with time that turned into," youre nothing but evil when you drink and its starting to happen when youre not drinking."

winddancer, youre not a horrible woman getting good.
youre a sick woman getting well.

horrible people don't show remorse and guilt over their actions.

as you work the steps, youre going to learn a LOT about the 'whys' of your actions. eventually you will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

Gilmer

That is a very keen insight. I will keep it in mind!

bexxed

This was really helpful for me Dee.

Windancer I understand you. I was beginning to become someone-while-drunk who scared me. I bullied my partner, and created unnecessary dramas. Made her cry regularly. Only when I was drinking and that was every night.

When I think about what I've done it horrifies me. It is the main reason I stopped drinking - that I cannot live with the person I am when I drank. I'm also at the infancy of sobriety with 74 days but through forgiving myself and focusing on today, one day at a time, I'm distancing myself from that awful person by both time, and having a happier and healthier life dismantles her.

It's good that you "came out" with this. I know you are definitely not the only one and it is one thing that drinking will 100% always make worse.

coming_clean

Heya and welcome,
I've had this and seen it a lot too.

Maybe it's time to quit alcohol forever?

Oct142016

This is the number one reason I want to quit so badly (10 days here).

I am horrible when I drink. I am so tired of the shame and my family doesn't deserve what I have dished out.

tomsteve

shes been sober 40 days, which is an eternity

MLD51

Windancer - I nearly cried reading your OP. I can FEEL your pain coming through the computer screen. I just want to add to what everyone else has said already - IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER. There are people I hurt (not physically, but emotionally) over and over again. Most have forgiven me now. Not all - but I really didn't expect that. And maybe they will eventually. They have forgiven me because I made heartfelt and honest amends, and then backed it up by living a sober, responsible, and humble life since then. I never forget the things I did, but I have a measure of peace about them I never thought I'd have. Do I still have days when the regret bubbles up and tries to bring me down? Sure. Those days I just remind myself how far I've come, that I am no longer defined by my past actions, and that if I stay sober it will never happen again. Please try to stop the negative self-talk. It will only prolong the pain. I know that's easier said than done, and it took me months to start feeling really better. But it will happen. Take good care of yourself. You can and will get past this painful time.

soberclover

I and many others here did terrible things when we were in a blackout to ourselves and others we cared about. I was very physical and angry when in a blackout and I believe it was because I was using alcohol to wash away a lot of the anger I had on the inside. I'm sure you will find counseling helpful as I know I did.

Thank goodness for the 12-steps

Soberandhealthy

I think is a common problem for alcoholic.i had two blackout episodes where I broke a table and a iPhone. I hate alcohol is so dangerous because is socially acceptable so you don't think anything is wrong until you are force to by the wreck of your life.

Thank you for sharing I wish we learn to forgive ourselfs. And I hope you get the help you need for the self harming 😀You are worthy!