Mayday! HELP! S.O.S! At a complete loss here.

Old 10-23-2016, 10:54 AM
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Mayday! HELP! S.O.S! At a complete loss here.

Hello Everyone, I haven't posted in forever. I do hope everyone is healthy and have their thinking caps on, because I am at a complete loss.

Early this summer, I welcomed granddaughter # 5. Within 24 hours of her birth , my middle daughter, began to hemmorage and had to have an emergency hysterectomy. Complications after complication, it was frightening, she was in ICU, and for a minute there we thought we were going to lose her. Sitting at her bedside, my ex-husband has a massive heart attack, thank God we were at a hospital, Dr. said her would not have survived the ambulance ride.

Bottom line I spent my summer caring for newborn infant, my daughter and my ex husband, along with the other 4 grand kids, because the kids just spend the summer at the beach with their granny. Actually the 16 and 14 year old helped out immensly, and for a moment in time, I did have everyone under the same roof.

So I am guessing it was about June that my youngest daughter ( age 29) meets this 5 time combat vet, (i did not know you could do 5 tours ) who suffers from PTSD, along with a severe brain injury, he is on 100% disability. At first, I pay zero attention, because after meeting this 37 year old man, who acts 12, I knew this would not be someone who would ever interest my daughter.

Fast forward, it is now October, and Yes she is with this boychild/manchild. My oldest daughter, and my three son-in-laws are all in law enforcement. So one day as middle daughter is sitting on the patio she just happened to google little sister's new friend name, and lo and behold there he is with a long , long list of unacceptable offenses.

I guess some would overlook his drunken intoxication offenses, the chasing of cars, barking like a dog, trying to break into people's houses in a drugged/ drunken rage. Maybe some folks would overlook the cops called to his parents house for an out of control man destroying parents house and property, or his being thrown in jail for bar fights on 3 separate occasions. And I guess when the waitress ignores you in a restaurant, it's ok to flip the table, and scream.

But the most recent charge being, Police officer shoots drunk man, after he grabs partners gun.

Well let me say, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Life as I once knew is over. The most beloved Auntie to her 5 nieces is no longer allowed to have her nieces for a visit, or sleepover, she can only visit them at their parents homes. We have all tried to talk sense to her, but today she says to me " Don't make me choose, you will lose."

She is sick and tired of us bullying her, we are not giving him a chance, we don't know him, people make mistakes, people change, he doesn't drink anymore, and he is a better person with me in his life, he spent 2 years in a VA hospital, he is better now. Oh and "dad doesn't think he is so bad." And all I keep saying this severe brain injury (if real) is not going to evaporate, why are you looking to borrow other's trouble's? You are going to find yourself in harm's way here. But again, i am just the mom, and i know zero.

I have decided to allow her to live her life as she sees fit. I did not respond to her "don't make me choose, you will lose" drama. I was concentrating on trying to swallow down that huge lump in my throat, otherwise I was afraid I was going to vomit all over both of us, in retrospect I do wish I would puked on the both of us, that way my feelings could have been acknowledged. Because it is feelings that count, and not the obvious facts staring you in the face. It makes no difference that your beautiful new home is on the law enforcement network agency network, so when you call them for help because he flips out, it probably says in the memo attempted cop killer, so you better stay below the SWAT teams firing line.

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated. I truly have to force myself not to future trip as I fear my daughter may be coming home in a box.
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Old 10-23-2016, 11:01 AM
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It sounds to me as if she has already chosen, Marie. I'm so sorry, I cannot imagine how frightening this is for you.

You cannot control her or her boyfriend any more than you could have controlled your XAH, or what happened to your middle daughter after giving birth, or the heart attack. The best you can do is protect yourself, as you other daughter has done by limiting her children's time with their aunt. That is not bullying, it's just being smart.

You have let her know you care about what happens to her. She is an adult with the freedom and ability to make her own decisions about her life. Just because right now she is willing to accept the circumstances, does not mean she always will be. It is important that she knows that if and when she needs you, she will never have to hear, "I told you so."

Big huge polar bear hugs to you, Mama Marie.
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Old 10-23-2016, 12:17 PM
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Marie, I hope when she gets her "shots across the bow", so to speak, that no lasting damage is done.

It can be very powerful to believe that you are "the only one" who understands a certain person, that you are so good and magical and life-changing that your mere presence can turn a raging, damaged man into a kind and gentle friend.

It's also pure and utter BS, as most of us who've been around the block here at SR know.

I'm sorry this is happening to someone you love, and I hope you can somehow find serenity in spite of all the other whirling emotions you are feeling.
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Old 10-23-2016, 12:51 PM
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Yikes, I'm not sure *I* could have held back the puke.

I think the best you can do is to let her know you're willing to help if she ever needs it. You might also suggest that she look into support groups for families of vets with these kinds of issues--I'm sure they must exist. Make up a list of resources in your area for victims of abuse--not to give to her right now, necessarily, but to have ready in the event she comes to you in fear.

Hugs, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this.
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Old 10-23-2016, 02:57 PM
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My daughter, now 23, had a few years spending time with scary characters. She came around, fortunately. It was extremely disturbing and I couldn't understand the attraction.
I have no advice for you but I can understand how you feel. My thoughts and prayers your way, and hers.
What a summer. I assume your middle daughter recovered and is doing well?
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Old 10-23-2016, 03:05 PM
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Hey Marie. Wow, you have been through the ringer these past few months. First off, congrats on your new granddaughter and kudos for being there to support your family in such a time of need. When it rains it pours, that's for sure.

Sooo, words of wisdom. Well, I survived a situation much like the one your daughter is currently in. When I initially read this post I almost thought she had met my ex. Yes, you can do 5 deployments. They probably weren't all a full year, and you have to volunteer and sign waivers, but it is possible. And then they come home with brain injuries. And PTSD. And alcoholism.

Anyway, she seems to have dug in her heels. I get that. There's this feeling you get like ultimate terminal uniqueness. He obviously needs lots of help, lots of saving, and somewhere in there that superhero is lurking in all his incredible power. My ex and I did tremendous, unbelievable things together during our deployment. I was just reflecting today that it felt like DESTINY, the two of us together, and I hung on for a long time believing that we were meant to conquer the world together. How could we not, after all we'd survived? All he had to do was get sober and get his stuff together and everything would be gravy. Remember that your daughter, like me, is an adult child of an alcoholic father. This situation probably rings all of her relationship bells, as much as you'd like to think she would know better. Like honeypig said,

It can be very powerful to believe that you are "the only one" who understands a certain person, that you are so good and magical and life-changing that your mere presence can turn a raging, damaged man into a kind and gentle friend.
There are some few resources available through the VA to caregivers who aren't spouses or parents. Most of them will end up directing you to other resources in the community- NAMI, AA, etc. That was actually how I ended up on the phone with the DV hotline once. I called the VA hotline trying to get help for him after a big major incident (one of too many that I stayed for) and after half a dozen call transfers I ended up talking to someone from Safenet (DV service).

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Old 10-23-2016, 08:36 PM
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Welcome back Marie and it sounds like you have had quite the summer - argh.

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter; that must be off the scale painful.

Watching someone succumb to alcohol is bad enough but watching a child fall into codependency seems even worse.

Unfortunately the best thing to do is stick to your side of the street. I don't know if you did the Alanon road but it might be a good time to revisit this.

Pray hard and let us know how things go.
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