Question...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 34
Question...
In a recent post I made, I received some excellent advice from many folks and it is greatly appreciated. However, someone mentioned that I may receive advice that his recovery is none of my business. I have been reading and going to counseling and understand the idea of detachment. But how is his recovery none of my business? I am not being argumentative, truly trying to grasp this idea.
He made his drinking my business, forcing me to be the one to handle life issues, such as child care, bills, the day to day running of our life. Mind you I do this while working full time and attend grad school. Now he is asking me to support and trust him and his recovery, put aside my concerns and fears. He has stated he will try to stay sober, but if he fails our marriage is over. If he gets DUI or in an accident it directly effects me and our daughter and the day to day business of life.
How is it OK to not be concerned that he is trying to buy pot, when, after 20 years I know this pattern and can see the slippery slope he is considering and the eventual outcome. He has asked for my trust and support, but wants to keep me in the blind as to his recovery choices.
I am doing what I can for myself, I continue with my life, work, school, counseling as well as reconnecting with friends I have lost along the way. He does not want to know about my recovery, actually takes offense to the idea that I need some help too.
But I simply do not understand how his recovery is not my business when it has a real and direct effect on my life and the life of my daughter?
Again not trying to be difficult, just trying to understand.
He made his drinking my business, forcing me to be the one to handle life issues, such as child care, bills, the day to day running of our life. Mind you I do this while working full time and attend grad school. Now he is asking me to support and trust him and his recovery, put aside my concerns and fears. He has stated he will try to stay sober, but if he fails our marriage is over. If he gets DUI or in an accident it directly effects me and our daughter and the day to day business of life.
How is it OK to not be concerned that he is trying to buy pot, when, after 20 years I know this pattern and can see the slippery slope he is considering and the eventual outcome. He has asked for my trust and support, but wants to keep me in the blind as to his recovery choices.
I am doing what I can for myself, I continue with my life, work, school, counseling as well as reconnecting with friends I have lost along the way. He does not want to know about my recovery, actually takes offense to the idea that I need some help too.
But I simply do not understand how his recovery is not my business when it has a real and direct effect on my life and the life of my daughter?
Again not trying to be difficult, just trying to understand.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's more a practical matter than anything else. You have little to no influence over his decisions to drink or use drugs. Trying to control it--and his "recovery efforts" (if you can call them that)--is useless and takes away more productive efforts on your part to plan and put into action steps that will make your life, and your children's lives, better.
You certainly aren't obligated to trust him (I wouldn't--not given what I know about alcoholism), but checking up on him or arguing with him isn't productive. It can actually feed into his delusions about what "makes" him drink. (Hint: it isn't you.) Keep your eyes open and the rose-colored glasses OFF, take care of yourself and your kids, make plans for what you will do when the inevitable progression occurs. That will be far more useful to you in the long run.
You certainly aren't obligated to trust him (I wouldn't--not given what I know about alcoholism), but checking up on him or arguing with him isn't productive. It can actually feed into his delusions about what "makes" him drink. (Hint: it isn't you.) Keep your eyes open and the rose-colored glasses OFF, take care of yourself and your kids, make plans for what you will do when the inevitable progression occurs. That will be far more useful to you in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
jj, here is a link to a thread I posted when I was new to the forum and to recovery. You might find that some of it resonates w/you, too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ity-check.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ity-check.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, jj. My opinion only coming up. I feel that the sentence "His recovery is none of my business" is an unnecessarily harsh way of saying that you can't control another's behavior. He is going to do what he is going to do. You must do what you must, and it sounds to me that your head is straight and you are following your path as defined by you. Addiction affects the entire family, as you well know. Keep doing what you are doing and, hopefully, all will be well for you. Peace.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jjnorris....I think that is a fair and logical question!
I believe that the common advice of "stay on your side of the street" and "his recovery is none of your business", like honeypig said, is to remind us to stop trying to control what we can't control, in the first place.
Most partners of alcoholics...and, especially if there are co-dependency tendencies, have spent years trying to control the drinking and the effects of it.....with total failure....We just can't control the uncontrollable. That is the bottom line...sigh....
It would seem ironic that, me, dandylion, would say that. If you read my, almost 9,000 posts....you will see that I am the first one to say "Learn everything that you can know about addiction and alcoholism" "knowledge is power" "Become an expert on the subject".
Personally, I do think it is your business to know what you are up against.
I do think it is your business to recognize how it affects you and your child and your marriage, for that matter. And, of course, it affects every aspect of your life, eventually.
This prepares you for the future, also. to know what is reasonable to expect--from the alcoholic and yourself.
Same goes for you--to understand the role that you have played (whether you knew it or not). to understand co-dependency and enabling...the whole ball of wax.
His recovery--only he has control over that. You can't help him...except, maybe, in the sense of not enabling him and getting out of his way and allowing him to do whatever he needs to do. You aren't even equipped to help him. The people who are equipped to help him are the other alcoholics in his AA groups...his sponsor...his therapist.
Another thing...most all of us, growing up, learned certain basic "rules" of dealing with other people. We were taught that by examples of our caretakers..our general culture...out churches... etc.
***What we were NOT told, is that these rules were meant to apply to normal healthy relationships...and that the two things that turn these rules all topsy turvy, are addictions and abuse. Normal rules don't always apply.....sigh, again....
So, as you can see,,,I have gone all around Robin's Barn to say the same, basic thing that honeypig said in the first place...LOL!...
(something happens to me on Sunday mornings,,,I become especially long winded...)
I believe that the common advice of "stay on your side of the street" and "his recovery is none of your business", like honeypig said, is to remind us to stop trying to control what we can't control, in the first place.
Most partners of alcoholics...and, especially if there are co-dependency tendencies, have spent years trying to control the drinking and the effects of it.....with total failure....We just can't control the uncontrollable. That is the bottom line...sigh....
It would seem ironic that, me, dandylion, would say that. If you read my, almost 9,000 posts....you will see that I am the first one to say "Learn everything that you can know about addiction and alcoholism" "knowledge is power" "Become an expert on the subject".
Personally, I do think it is your business to know what you are up against.
I do think it is your business to recognize how it affects you and your child and your marriage, for that matter. And, of course, it affects every aspect of your life, eventually.
This prepares you for the future, also. to know what is reasonable to expect--from the alcoholic and yourself.
Same goes for you--to understand the role that you have played (whether you knew it or not). to understand co-dependency and enabling...the whole ball of wax.
His recovery--only he has control over that. You can't help him...except, maybe, in the sense of not enabling him and getting out of his way and allowing him to do whatever he needs to do. You aren't even equipped to help him. The people who are equipped to help him are the other alcoholics in his AA groups...his sponsor...his therapist.
Another thing...most all of us, growing up, learned certain basic "rules" of dealing with other people. We were taught that by examples of our caretakers..our general culture...out churches... etc.
***What we were NOT told, is that these rules were meant to apply to normal healthy relationships...and that the two things that turn these rules all topsy turvy, are addictions and abuse. Normal rules don't always apply.....sigh, again....
So, as you can see,,,I have gone all around Robin's Barn to say the same, basic thing that honeypig said in the first place...LOL!...
(something happens to me on Sunday mornings,,,I become especially long winded...)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Hi Honeypig it is interesting and encouraging to read where you were some 3 years ago.
jjnorris, I think of Alcoholism like a force of nature similar to a tsunami. Yes, it does affect your life, but with a tsunami bearing down on your child and home it is not helpful to study the physics and geology behind it. Instead you need to be doing whatever you can to remove yourself from the path.
Paying bills, childcare, self-care, counseling, alanon are all part of removing yourself from the path of the tsunami. Unfortunately you probably don't know which way to jump right now but having a plan is always a good idea and more will be revealed with time. Even your realization that pouring out the alcohol does not make the situation okay for you is a revelation about the situation.
Hang tough brave lady, this is super tough to deal with!
jjnorris, I think of Alcoholism like a force of nature similar to a tsunami. Yes, it does affect your life, but with a tsunami bearing down on your child and home it is not helpful to study the physics and geology behind it. Instead you need to be doing whatever you can to remove yourself from the path.
Paying bills, childcare, self-care, counseling, alanon are all part of removing yourself from the path of the tsunami. Unfortunately you probably don't know which way to jump right now but having a plan is always a good idea and more will be revealed with time. Even your realization that pouring out the alcohol does not make the situation okay for you is a revelation about the situation.
Hang tough brave lady, this is super tough to deal with!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by dandylion 
jjnorris....I think that is a fair and logical question!
I believe that the common advice of "stay on your side of the street" and "his recovery is none of your business", like honeypig said, is to remind us to stop trying to control what we can't control, in the first place.
Most partners of alcoholics...and, especially if there are co-dependency tendencies, have spent years trying to control the drinking and the effects of it.....with total failure....We just can't control the uncontrollable. That is the bottom line...sigh....
It would seem ironic that, me, dandylion, would say that. If you read my, almost 9,000 posts....you will see that I am the first one to say "Learn everything that you can know about addiction and alcoholism" "knowledge is power" "Become an expert on the subject".
Personally, I do think it is your business to know what you are up against.
I do think it is your business to recognize how it affects you and your child and your marriage, for that matter. And, of course, it affects every aspect of your life, eventually.
This prepares you for the future, also. to know what is reasonable to expect--from the alcoholic and yourself.
Same goes for you--to understand the role that you have played (whether you knew it or not). to understand co-dependency and enabling...the whole ball of wax.
His recovery--only he has control over that. You can't help him...except, maybe, in the sense of not enabling him and getting out of his way and allowing him to do whatever he needs to do. You aren't even equipped to help him. The people who are equipped to help him are the other alcoholics in his AA groups...his sponsor...his therapist.
Another thing...most all of us, growing up, learned certain basic "rules" of dealing with other people. We were taught that by examples of our caretakers..our general culture...out churches... etc.
***What we were NOT told, is that these rules were meant to apply to normal healthy relationships...and that the two things that turn these rules all topsy turvy, are addictions and abuse. Normal rules don't always apply.....sigh, again....
So, as you can see,,,I have gone all around Robin's Barn to say the same, basic thing that honeypig said in the first place...LOL!...
(something happens to me on Sunday mornings,,,I become especially long winded...)
I believe that the common advice of "stay on your side of the street" and "his recovery is none of your business", like honeypig said, is to remind us to stop trying to control what we can't control, in the first place.
Most partners of alcoholics...and, especially if there are co-dependency tendencies, have spent years trying to control the drinking and the effects of it.....with total failure....We just can't control the uncontrollable. That is the bottom line...sigh....
It would seem ironic that, me, dandylion, would say that. If you read my, almost 9,000 posts....you will see that I am the first one to say "Learn everything that you can know about addiction and alcoholism" "knowledge is power" "Become an expert on the subject".
Personally, I do think it is your business to know what you are up against.
I do think it is your business to recognize how it affects you and your child and your marriage, for that matter. And, of course, it affects every aspect of your life, eventually.
This prepares you for the future, also. to know what is reasonable to expect--from the alcoholic and yourself.
Same goes for you--to understand the role that you have played (whether you knew it or not). to understand co-dependency and enabling...the whole ball of wax.
His recovery--only he has control over that. You can't help him...except, maybe, in the sense of not enabling him and getting out of his way and allowing him to do whatever he needs to do. You aren't even equipped to help him. The people who are equipped to help him are the other alcoholics in his AA groups...his sponsor...his therapist.
Another thing...most all of us, growing up, learned certain basic "rules" of dealing with other people. We were taught that by examples of our caretakers..our general culture...out churches... etc.
***What we were NOT told, is that these rules were meant to apply to normal healthy relationships...and that the two things that turn these rules all topsy turvy, are addictions and abuse. Normal rules don't always apply.....sigh, again....
So, as you can see,,,I have gone all around Robin's Barn to say the same, basic thing that honeypig said in the first place...LOL!...
(something happens to me on Sunday mornings,,,I become especially long winded...)
Maybe I can spin my analogy to make it support Dandy's post:
Learn everything you can about what tsunami/alcoholism can do to you and your life but leave his drinking/recover/non-recovery to him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Well jjnorris if you can't unravel Dandy and my longwinded, Sunday morning coffee laced explanations, may you at least feel deeply supported by all of us in this Church of the Broken. (-;
I'm off to pray and exercise as these two things are my way of dealing with my now brokeness . . .
I'm off to pray and exercise as these two things are my way of dealing with my now brokeness . . .
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 25
Can't really add to what has already been said so perfectly. The hardest thing I had to wrap my head around was the idea that I could had zero control or influence over his drinking. When I first came here, I wanted the solution to make him quit for good and turn back into the husband I had before alcoholism came into play. I truly believed that my husband loved me and the kids SO MUCH that if he could only see how his alcoholism was destroying the very thing that mattered the most to him - our family, our perfect life together - that he would stop. It seems illogical to throw the most important things away in life (family) over beer and vodka.
Coming here and reading the same story over and over and over - the same exact story that was playing out in my own life, and the accompanying dreaded realization that he would absolutely give up his family for his vodka. That is the nature of addiction
Coming here and reading the same story over and over and over - the same exact story that was playing out in my own life, and the accompanying dreaded realization that he would absolutely give up his family for his vodka. That is the nature of addiction
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
BKA, being "broken" is not always a bad thing. I heard this song performed (altho not by the original artist) and it really stuck with me,has a lot to say on the subject of being broken:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOAzobTIGr8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOAzobTIGr8
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
JJ,
Great Question......for 34 years of my life with my addict, I "tried" to control him, my kids, my work, my life and every one elses life. My life was so out of control, I thought I had control. Over many long hours of reading and educating myself, I accepted the fact that I had no control and i had to let people make their own choices, good or bad. Once I did that, my life turned around. I couldn't completely give up control so I asked God to watch over the people that I felt could not handle themselves, as I "always" new whats best for everyone. I have determined that it was a sickness with me.
Since accepting this fact and minding my own business life changed for me. I treat everyone with respect and dignity that they deserve. Our addicts disappoint us on a daily basis, but once we accept that his sobriety is his business, we don't have to have a bad day over it. It is truly more upsetting to him that he failed himself, then to us.
We are put on this earth to be the best people we all can be. If each and everyone of us chooses that path and stops worrying about "our" brothers, this world would be a better place. Pray that your husband stays sober and works a program, but let him reap the benefits, not you. Hugs!!
manicpanic,
I feel that every spouse on this forum comes in with that attitude, my addict would never choose their addiction over me. It's heart breaking reading the stories and realizing that you "are" one of those spouses. Hugs!!
Great Question......for 34 years of my life with my addict, I "tried" to control him, my kids, my work, my life and every one elses life. My life was so out of control, I thought I had control. Over many long hours of reading and educating myself, I accepted the fact that I had no control and i had to let people make their own choices, good or bad. Once I did that, my life turned around. I couldn't completely give up control so I asked God to watch over the people that I felt could not handle themselves, as I "always" new whats best for everyone. I have determined that it was a sickness with me.
Since accepting this fact and minding my own business life changed for me. I treat everyone with respect and dignity that they deserve. Our addicts disappoint us on a daily basis, but once we accept that his sobriety is his business, we don't have to have a bad day over it. It is truly more upsetting to him that he failed himself, then to us.
We are put on this earth to be the best people we all can be. If each and everyone of us chooses that path and stops worrying about "our" brothers, this world would be a better place. Pray that your husband stays sober and works a program, but let him reap the benefits, not you. Hugs!!
manicpanic,
I feel that every spouse on this forum comes in with that attitude, my addict would never choose their addiction over me. It's heart breaking reading the stories and realizing that you "are" one of those spouses. Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I think about it this way - by now allowing XAHs recovery state to affect me and DS make it for more peaceful life for me as well as take power from this "addiction" thing that appears to still run our lives.
I have my bad moments when I still give out employment advice (I am very ambitious and self-sufficient and it pains me to see him flailing) - but the only way is to let him fall on his face - hopefully he will learn. Or not. I will not longer have my happiness depending on it.
I have my bad moments when I still give out employment advice (I am very ambitious and self-sufficient and it pains me to see him flailing) - but the only way is to let him fall on his face - hopefully he will learn. Or not. I will not longer have my happiness depending on it.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Hi jj. I struggled with that exact phrase as well. How can his recovery not be my business when we have a child together, he's supposed to be my partner, someone I can rely on and trust? How can I just say "Oh, whether you drink or not is up to you and I'm not going to ask any questions as to whether you are being honest or not?" I decided to completely ignore that advice. My STBXAH was supposedly in recovery and I kept catching him in lies and it made me crazy. I became obsessed with figuring out if he was telling the truth or not. He was obsessed with covering up his dishonesty and "proving" he wasn't drinking, which he was.
I finally gave up. I finally took the advice and made it not my business. And it made a world of difference to me. I no longer felt crazy. I didn't question his honesty, I didn't give him lectures or looks. And the result of this was that I decided I no longer wanted to be in a marriage that had to operate like that. I had the space to realize he's going to do what he wants to do and I needed to do what was best for me and my daughter. Nagging and pleading and sleuthing wasn't going to align our priorities, it only made me feel sick.
I asked him to move out and I focused on me. I now have no idea what he's doing for recovery, except what he tells me which I take with a grain of salt. And I'm OK with that. I obtained custody so that I knew my daughter would be safe, otherwise his recovery is not my business.
I finally gave up. I finally took the advice and made it not my business. And it made a world of difference to me. I no longer felt crazy. I didn't question his honesty, I didn't give him lectures or looks. And the result of this was that I decided I no longer wanted to be in a marriage that had to operate like that. I had the space to realize he's going to do what he wants to do and I needed to do what was best for me and my daughter. Nagging and pleading and sleuthing wasn't going to align our priorities, it only made me feel sick.
I asked him to move out and I focused on me. I now have no idea what he's doing for recovery, except what he tells me which I take with a grain of salt. And I'm OK with that. I obtained custody so that I knew my daughter would be safe, otherwise his recovery is not my business.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 34
Thank you all
I appreciate you all taking the time to answer my question. I have a better understanding of what it means to let his recovery be his business. It will take a conscious effort on my part as it is not in my nature to blindly walk into the fire. But I better understand that letting him make his choices does not mean I have to sit idly by and wait for fall out. Instead I can take care of my recovery and make plans for my and my daughter's future with or without him. I am working hard to tell myself, I can plan without having to make any major decision today. Prepare the safety net I need to not worry about every little thing. Time, although uncomfortable to be in limbo, will eventually give me the answers I need. I will continue to try everyday to be supportive without being intrusive but to remember I can and will make the decisions I need to when the time is right. Thank you all for providing me with some clarity
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Some great insight and advice on here. Just wanted to say, him trying to go buy pot is NOT his Recovery. That is his ACTIVE addiction. His Relapse.
It might be worth thinking about where your boundaries are. You don't have control over HIS choices, but you do over your own. You don't have to stick around to watch him relapse again if you don't want to.
It might be worth thinking about where your boundaries are. You don't have control over HIS choices, but you do over your own. You don't have to stick around to watch him relapse again if you don't want to.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by jjnorris
I appreciate you all taking the time to answer my question. I have a better understanding of what it means to let his recovery be his business. It will take a conscious effort on my part as it is not in my nature to blindly walk into the fire. But I better understand that letting him make his choices does not mean I have to sit idly by and wait for fall out. Instead I can take care of my recovery and make plans for my and my daughter's future with or without him. I am working hard to tell myself, I can plan without having to make any major decision today. Prepare the safety net I need to not worry about every little thing. Time, although uncomfortable to be in limbo, will eventually give me the answers I need. I will continue to try everyday to be supportive without being intrusive but to remember I can and will make the decisions I need to when the time is right. Thank you all for providing me with some clarity
We are hoping you don't walk blindly into a fire but with eyes wide open build yourself and your daughter a fireproof (alcohol proof) rock-solid life.
Making your life alcohol proof means figuring out what you can and can't live with, setting boundaries based on these needs, and sticking to these boundaries. Your sober, recovering husband may be part of this life but if he doesn't achieve some level of recovery you may choose that he is not part of it.
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