Feeling like a horrible person
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 34
Feeling like a horrible person
I am thankful for finding this site. I have been reading many posts which have given me many things to think about.
I am married to an alcoholic for 15 years, together for more than 20. We got together when we were 19 years old and in many ways grew up together. I love him, but finally reached my breaking point with his drinking. He is highly functioning alcoholic, not abusive, but can be a bit manipulative and short tempered. We have a home, a child, and a life.
He quit drinking about 6 weeks ago, taking naltrexone, was taking zoloft but stopped, although I found that out on my own. He refuses AA or counseling. I am seeing a counselor for myself and will be going to al anon starting next week. He wants me to move on, forget the past and have faith in him and our future.
I am struggling. I want to have faith but worry about his chances at success without more help than meds. He wants faith, but fails to tell me he stopped taking one of his prescribed meds. Yesterday I discovered he was inquiring about getting a little Marijuana, again not from him.
I also worry that the damage is done and even if he succeeds, I can no longer be all in and that is not the marriage I want.
I know there are no guarantees, but when does the fear lessen? Does it ever? What if he does everything right and I can't let go of the fears? What if we go through all of this and it is not where I want to be in the end? How horrible am I for asking him to stop drinking, when I know there is a chance we may not come through this intact?
I am married to an alcoholic for 15 years, together for more than 20. We got together when we were 19 years old and in many ways grew up together. I love him, but finally reached my breaking point with his drinking. He is highly functioning alcoholic, not abusive, but can be a bit manipulative and short tempered. We have a home, a child, and a life.
He quit drinking about 6 weeks ago, taking naltrexone, was taking zoloft but stopped, although I found that out on my own. He refuses AA or counseling. I am seeing a counselor for myself and will be going to al anon starting next week. He wants me to move on, forget the past and have faith in him and our future.
I am struggling. I want to have faith but worry about his chances at success without more help than meds. He wants faith, but fails to tell me he stopped taking one of his prescribed meds. Yesterday I discovered he was inquiring about getting a little Marijuana, again not from him.
I also worry that the damage is done and even if he succeeds, I can no longer be all in and that is not the marriage I want.
I know there are no guarantees, but when does the fear lessen? Does it ever? What if he does everything right and I can't let go of the fears? What if we go through all of this and it is not where I want to be in the end? How horrible am I for asking him to stop drinking, when I know there is a chance we may not come through this intact?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, jj. Welcome. Sorry you are having trouble today. I would definitely get to that Al-Anon meeting and keep going back. The people there have experienced fear and sadness just as you are now. Al-Anon can help. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
jj, I'm glad to see you've been doing some reading and that you have plans to try Alanon. Those are really good signs, showing that you're serious about your own recovery. You're educating yourself, you're going beyond your comfort zone in order to learn and grow, and you're reaching out for help. ALL really, really important.
In contrast, what is AH doing? He stopped taking one of his prescribed meds (w/o telling you), is inquiring into another drug (illegal, depending where you live, and again w/o telling you), and refuses any help such as AA or counseling. Does this look like someone whose top priority is recovery, who is willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober?
Regarding his not telling you about stopping the one med and looking for marijuana, some here will say that his recovery is none of your business. I agree to an extent, but I also think that his willingness to be or not be transparent speaks volumes about how serious he is in his recovery efforts.
Your AH wants you to forget the past, move on, have faith in him. I heard those same words from my A, too. I also felt like a "bad wife" for not instantly trusting him again after finding I'd been lied to for years and years. What was wrong w/me, that I couldn't just accept that everything was now fixed, all better? Gradually I learned that I was NOT wrong to go slow w/giving my trust, that trust needs to be earned. If XAH wasn't willing to put in the effort and patience to earn my trust back, after spending years and years destroying it, then maybe it was time for me to take a look at what kind of marriage I was settling for.
As it turned out, nothing had changed, and I was very glad I'd been guarded w/my trust and my emotions; it saved me at least some of the pain and betrayal I'd have felt if I'd jumped back in w/both feet. Protecting yourself is not selfish or bad or cruel.
You are not the first to feel this, and you have every right to end the marriage based on your feelings and needs, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Some things cannot be undone. Some damage is permanent. You are not lacking in love or compassion if you eventually decide that you are just done w/the marriage--in fact, you would be lacking in love and compassion for yourself if you continued in the marriage under those circumstances.
You are not horrible. The bottle will be there waiting for him if he decides against recovery. He can certainly pick up again at any time. I think the thing to remember is that active alcoholism is unhealthy and destructive, whether he is married to you or not. Recovery is going to be good for him, whether he is married to you or not. "Asking him to give up drinking" is NOT depriving him of something that is a positive force in his life. Besides, you don't have the power to stop him from drinking anyway--none of us could stop our A's.
When I began going to Alanon, they advised me against making any big changes in the first year of my recovery (unless of course I was in danger, and then I needed to take action immediately). I suspect you will be told the same at your meeting(s). You do not have to work out your whole plan by the end of the week. Keep reading, keep posting. Let the information seep slowly into your mind, gradually start to use what you've learned as you go thru your day, and see how things look in a month, in 6 months.
There is a Program saying, "More will be revealed." It's true. Your path will become more clear--just keep taking it one step at a time. Another Program saying--"Just do the next right thing."
I hope to keep hearing from you as you find your way, and I hope to hear how the Alanon meeting(s) go. Wishing you strength and clarity.
In contrast, what is AH doing? He stopped taking one of his prescribed meds (w/o telling you), is inquiring into another drug (illegal, depending where you live, and again w/o telling you), and refuses any help such as AA or counseling. Does this look like someone whose top priority is recovery, who is willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober?
Regarding his not telling you about stopping the one med and looking for marijuana, some here will say that his recovery is none of your business. I agree to an extent, but I also think that his willingness to be or not be transparent speaks volumes about how serious he is in his recovery efforts.
Your AH wants you to forget the past, move on, have faith in him. I heard those same words from my A, too. I also felt like a "bad wife" for not instantly trusting him again after finding I'd been lied to for years and years. What was wrong w/me, that I couldn't just accept that everything was now fixed, all better? Gradually I learned that I was NOT wrong to go slow w/giving my trust, that trust needs to be earned. If XAH wasn't willing to put in the effort and patience to earn my trust back, after spending years and years destroying it, then maybe it was time for me to take a look at what kind of marriage I was settling for.
As it turned out, nothing had changed, and I was very glad I'd been guarded w/my trust and my emotions; it saved me at least some of the pain and betrayal I'd have felt if I'd jumped back in w/both feet. Protecting yourself is not selfish or bad or cruel.
I also worry that the damage is done and even if he succeeds, I can no longer be all in and that is not the marriage I want.
How horrible am I for asking him to stop drinking, when I know there is a chance we may not come through this intact?
When I began going to Alanon, they advised me against making any big changes in the first year of my recovery (unless of course I was in danger, and then I needed to take action immediately). I suspect you will be told the same at your meeting(s). You do not have to work out your whole plan by the end of the week. Keep reading, keep posting. Let the information seep slowly into your mind, gradually start to use what you've learned as you go thru your day, and see how things look in a month, in 6 months.
There is a Program saying, "More will be revealed." It's true. Your path will become more clear--just keep taking it one step at a time. Another Program saying--"Just do the next right thing."
I hope to keep hearing from you as you find your way, and I hope to hear how the Alanon meeting(s) go. Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by jjnorris 
What if he does everything right and I can't let go of the fears?
Most all marriages have some (real ups and downs).
If your husband as you say -- does everything right
then it would be your job to forgive and move on ASAP.
It will probably take serious work on (both sides) before any improvement may be seen.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning JJ
FIrst off, you are not a horrible person. You have however been put in a horrible situation. Cut yourself some slack. My ex also wanted me to forgive and forget immediately. Funny, when he spoke those words he was still hungover from a bender the night before. I swear I looked at him like he had 5 heads when he said that!
You have gotten some great insight from Honey & MM Bob. I don't think there is much more I can add. Just know that you are not alone my friend, we are here for you! Chin up!
Ro
FIrst off, you are not a horrible person. You have however been put in a horrible situation. Cut yourself some slack. My ex also wanted me to forgive and forget immediately. Funny, when he spoke those words he was still hungover from a bender the night before. I swear I looked at him like he had 5 heads when he said that!
You have gotten some great insight from Honey & MM Bob. I don't think there is much more I can add. Just know that you are not alone my friend, we are here for you! Chin up!
Ro
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jjnorris....I have often heard long recovering alcoholics say that alcoholism is a "disease of the thinking" as much as it is a "disease of drinking". They also say (to me, in conversations)...that it is through working the steps of AA that the internal changes, that are necessary for genuine recovery, come about.
Like--changing the "alcoholic thinking" leads to changes in attitude; changes in attitude lead to changes in behaviors.....(it may take weeks to months to years to see this to come about). It takes dedicated work and dedicated TIME. sobriety has to be the first priority in the life.
to my thinking, it is unreasonable and unfair for him to expect you to sweep all the past pain and injury under the rug. never to be addressed. Alcoholism does damage to the loved ones, just as it damages the alcoholic.
from what I see..some marriages can be salvaged, if genuine sobriety brings about the necessary changes in thinking, attitude, and behaviors---AND both partners are working at it, simultaneously. This is no small task!
It is written that more marriages fail after the alcoholic quit drinking, than before they quit. I think it is easy to see why that is.
A marriage that has ben ravaged by years of active alcoholism, makes me think of the homes that I have seen on tv, in the aftermath of a hurricane or tornado.
complete damage, throughout. Then, the families have to rebuild, from the beginning...pulling together and all shouldering the hard work of the common goal.
I, especially, like honeypig's post. If I were you, I would read it over and over.
In the dynamics of alcoholism, in the family, the alcoholic comes to be the most "important" person in the family. More and more, the family becomes organized around the alcoholic.
for a marriage to survive and thrive..both parties have to have equal importance.
Your wants and needs are just as important as his. You need to be seen and heard and to know that you matter.
You are, also, allowed your free will to end a marriage at any time, based on your own wants and needs. You are your own person...you do not serve at the will or pleasure of other people.
You can't force him to hold up his side,if he doesn't want to. But, you can hold up your side, for yourself. I am so glad to see that you are going to counseling and alanon.
You will be able to save yourself and your child..even if the marriage doesn't make it.
Actually, I think your "fears" are just a reflection of the realities that you are facing. You have to live in reality and prepare yourself to cope with whatever plays out.....
I think you are on the right road.....
I hope you will continue to post....so that you can get the support of those who understand what you are going through....
Like--changing the "alcoholic thinking" leads to changes in attitude; changes in attitude lead to changes in behaviors.....(it may take weeks to months to years to see this to come about). It takes dedicated work and dedicated TIME. sobriety has to be the first priority in the life.
to my thinking, it is unreasonable and unfair for him to expect you to sweep all the past pain and injury under the rug. never to be addressed. Alcoholism does damage to the loved ones, just as it damages the alcoholic.
from what I see..some marriages can be salvaged, if genuine sobriety brings about the necessary changes in thinking, attitude, and behaviors---AND both partners are working at it, simultaneously. This is no small task!
It is written that more marriages fail after the alcoholic quit drinking, than before they quit. I think it is easy to see why that is.
A marriage that has ben ravaged by years of active alcoholism, makes me think of the homes that I have seen on tv, in the aftermath of a hurricane or tornado.
complete damage, throughout. Then, the families have to rebuild, from the beginning...pulling together and all shouldering the hard work of the common goal.
I, especially, like honeypig's post. If I were you, I would read it over and over.
In the dynamics of alcoholism, in the family, the alcoholic comes to be the most "important" person in the family. More and more, the family becomes organized around the alcoholic.
for a marriage to survive and thrive..both parties have to have equal importance.
Your wants and needs are just as important as his. You need to be seen and heard and to know that you matter.
You are, also, allowed your free will to end a marriage at any time, based on your own wants and needs. You are your own person...you do not serve at the will or pleasure of other people.
You can't force him to hold up his side,if he doesn't want to. But, you can hold up your side, for yourself. I am so glad to see that you are going to counseling and alanon.
You will be able to save yourself and your child..even if the marriage doesn't make it.
Actually, I think your "fears" are just a reflection of the realities that you are facing. You have to live in reality and prepare yourself to cope with whatever plays out.....
I think you are on the right road.....
I hope you will continue to post....so that you can get the support of those who understand what you are going through....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
