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10-22-2016, 03:04 PM

# 1 (permalink)

Barbsaspaze

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Join Date: Oct 2016

Location: queens village NY

Posts: 1

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Today is just 2 days of not having an alcoholic drink(a.k.a loosey goose drink or the devils cup as i call it). lol It hasn't been long at all but figured hey its better than not trying at all. I have relapsed many times before. But 1 thing i am happy about with myself is that i am slowly self analzying my problems. Personality wise and also my continuing bad self destructive habits. I currently just destroyed another happy relationship. As in im the bad GF and he was the good BF just trying to help me. I noticed i tend to push away good things and people. Who just try to bring positivity in my life. I keep projecting them as the "bad" guy. When in reality the only thing that was bad was me. Im currently dealing with social anxiety and substance abuse. Drinking and anxiety is one hell of a bad mix. So if anywho who does have anxiety dont try to get out of it with temporary fix like what i did. It just makes the anxiety a bijillion times worst. I am not on here trying to put the blame on someone else for my poor choices in what i have become and manifested into. I guess im just trying to use this place as a mini diary. Like back than when my mind and body was still pure. I feel like the devil sometimes. Like this bad little minature me inside my head saying go girl go do it. Im just trying to keep myself from drinking right now. Just gets me mad how sensitive i can get over the little things . Yet i still can do the most heartless things to people i said i "loved". Sometimes i call my heart a black vortex. lol. Not sure what else to write right now so i guess thats it for now.

P.S: This is really random but i always tell my sister everytime i finish messing something in my life up . " Jesus cant even save your sister" No noooooo
oks bye

Last edited by Barbsaspaze; 10-22-2016 at 03:06 PM. Reason: had something else to add

10-22-2016, 03:11 PM

# 2 (permalink)

Anna

Administrator

Join Date: Aug 2003

Location: Dancing in the Light

Posts: 61,510

Hi Barb,

Welcome and I'm glad you posted.

Like you, I pushed away good people and good things in my life and I finally realized that I was self-sabotaging everything good. I didn't feel worthy of having a good life. It was quite a struggle to convince myself otherwise. I hope that you know you deserve good people in your life and you deserve a good life. We all do.

10-22-2016, 04:50 PM

# 3 (permalink)

january161992

AA Member

Join Date: Mar 2016

Location: Silicon Valley

Posts: 2,983

hi barb

glad youre here

10-23-2016, 05:39 AM

# 4 (permalink)

D122y

Blue Belt

Join Date: Jul 2015

Location: Soberville, USA

Posts: 4,174

Barb,

Welcome. Sounds like addiction. It is not cosmic. It is science.

The booze alters our minds. While physically addicted, we live in somewhat of a fantasy world...e.g. like a rock star.

But obviously we are pickled w alcohol. Our bodies, and brain, are not designed to have booze present.

We have trouble stopping drinking because booze is highly addictive. We are not weak. We are uneducated about booze and addicted.

Regarding pushing people away....it is only partially you doing that.

You will not know the real you until you get clean and stay clean for a good while...

I am a very different person than I was 18 months ago. Much more calm. Now I almost never get mad at my wife, son, boss, friends, and Co workers. Before, I was angry daily.

I was very physically addicted to booze.

Get clean. Change your life a bit. Stay clean.

Thanks.