3+ years of frustration

Old 10-21-2016, 01:54 PM
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Thumbs down 3+ years of frustration

Me and my partner met over the internet, there is somewhat of an age difference so we took it slow neither of us expecting much. Three years later it's been a roller coaster to say the least, I suppose I should've noticed red flags but I was naive enough to think nothing of it. Hiding bottles of wine, drunken phone calls that lasted hours (In the early days I didn't associate it with drink but now I know better).

You see my girlfriend is probably like someone you've known, very caring, honest, bright and can't do enough etc etc, then the demon drink gets it's grips over her and that all changes. She's different to how you would imagine an alcoholic as she's a binge drinker, this basically means she can go without drink for a longish period of time but eventually binges anything between 3-4 bottles of wine in 24 hour period over a large period of days. Once she's snapped out of it and I've helped her detox (me taking a day off work and her neglecting work entirely) the regret and realisation of what happens sinks in. The promises that she'll change and even admitting that she has a problem come to fruition only for the pattern to repeat a month or 2 later.

It's difficult because as I've said once she's detoxes she has no inclination to even touch alcohol but after a while fancies a drink and we go through the same process again. Since I've known her the most she's gone without drink is 4 months, and even when she does start drinking again it takes its time to get to the really rough stages.

When it's rough though it's rough, neglecting work, her health, not eating properly, not keeping in contact with friends, hiding drink and lying to me about how much she's drank, promising me she'll stop tomorrow only for it to drag on for another week. All the time i'm at work and concerned about her not going or even contacting her work place as well as her health.

I've been dealing with this on and off since we met. I love her very much and have tried everything to help (We went to the DRs about drink but because it's binging they didn't class her as an alcoholic) and even taking it to extremes by just throwing all her drink away, she's been verbally aggressive but never physically.

I'm typing this up because she's at the start of a binge and I'm frustrated, 3 bottles of wine already since about 8am and sleeping that off now.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 10-21-2016, 02:12 PM
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Welcome to SR, thetroubledone--glad you found us here. I hope you can spend some time reading around the forums. Make sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page; they're ones that people on the forum found extra helpful and that the admins have permanently saved so they can be easily accessed.

As far as your partner being classified as an alcoholic or not, I think I'd call someone whose drinking is ruining her life an alcoholic--I don't care if she IS able to "control" it for a few months at a crack. But the name or label isn't what really matters. What's important is how it's affecting your life. If her drinking is a problem for you, then it's a problem.

I think as you read the stories here, you'll find a lot that resonates w/you. You are not alone, not by a long shot. Can I also suggest checking into Alanon for some in-person support and education for yourself? Learning about alcoholism (regardless of what her doctor called it or didn't call it) and what you can and can't do about it is going to be helpful for you as you move forward.

Again, welcome to SR--I hope you keep reading and posting here.
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Old 10-21-2016, 02:41 PM
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TTD,
Welcome to SR. I agree with honeypig, you don't really need to have a label on someone who has issues with alcohol. Three years of watching a loved one self destruct is horrible.

While she is in her binge, what are you doing? Do you stick around and engage with her while she is drinking? Is there any place that you can hide out for a couple days while this passes? Not engaging with her is the only thing that you can do to protect yourself at the moment.

The problem is, is that alcoholism is progressive, it only gets worse. Us codies, tolerate their behavior and believe them when they say it will never happen again. There is help out there for you my friend, keep reading around this forum and you will learn a ton. Reach out to a therapist or hit an open aa or alanon meeting. Hugs my friend, we all understand!!
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Old 10-23-2016, 03:13 AM
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Hi TTD, unless she is absolutely determined to find help and work out why she inevitably ends up bingeing, you're looking at your future going through this cycle with her. It makes the time between binges stressful as well because you're waiting for the shoe to drop.
She doesn't have to be declared an alcoholic to be treated if she's determined enough. She can go to a private therapist or AA for instance. If she doesn't it sounds like she'll gradually deteriorating for the rest of her life.
As for you, as much as you love her you'll have to decide whether you can stick this out indefinitely. I don't suggest an ultimatum to force her into treatment because she has to do it because she really believes she needs to for her own reasons.
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Old 10-23-2016, 08:34 AM
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Cool

Here are a couple of websites with some information that may be helpful for you.................:

1) https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-he...binge-drinking

2) Do You Have a Drinking Problem? Recognizing the Signs of Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse and How to Get Help

#1 is the National Institute of Health where they define low, moderate, heavy, and binge drinking.

#2 is just some more helpful (hopefully) information

(o:
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Old 10-23-2016, 08:49 AM
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Welcome to SR, thetroubledone.

I was a binge drinker. Not in the mornings, not every day, could go weeks or months without sometimes. But when I started, I didn't stop. I'm an alcoholic.

If alcoholism is not treated it will get worse.

When it started causing too many problems, I said I'd quit and I really meant it at the time, but the addiction was stronger than my resolve and sooner or later I'd start again.There was nothing anyone could really do to stop me until my drinking hurt me bad enough that I couldn't take it anymore and got help for myself.

This is a good place for you to educate yourself and get support. She likely won't stop until she hurts enough. In the meantime, learn how to take care of yourself.
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Old 10-23-2016, 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
you don't really need to have a label on someone who has issues with alcohol.
If drinking is causing problems, then it's causing problems.

I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. He passed away. Never again. I saw the red flags waving with a potential partner, and moved on. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

I'm sure you love her. I love or have loved all kinds of people who weren't or will never be my partner. Love, for me, is no longer enough. For a life partner, there has to be a common outlook and morality and lifestyle. My friends' drinking, financial skills, desire for children or lack thereof, do not impact my life the way a partner's would.

Relationships aren't reform school. This is who she is. You can accept her for who she is and the limitations that presents, or decide that while you love her, the two of you aren't meant to ride off into the sunset together.
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Old 10-23-2016, 10:54 AM
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Thank you all for the warm welcome and kind words.

Since I posted things are pretty much the same, promises of stopping today only to get more wine, It's looking like i'll take time off work to help her detox tomorrow.

honeypig - Thanks for the welcome, reading some of the stuff here is very interesting especially the DO's and DO NOTs I've noticed that I'm doing a lot to accommodate the disease (going to the shop for her, taking days of work to help her detox, helping her snap out of it in time for approaching work days)

Mai - We live together so I just try and stick it out as best I can, I'll make sure she's eating what she can and generally not causing arguments. It's difficult to put up with. It's difficult to not engage because I try my best to look after her.

FeelingGreat - I've given her several ultimatums which is my own mistake, I won't do it now unless I intend to follow through with it.

NoelleR - Thank you for the links I shall give these a read.

Madbird - IT's interesting to hear from someone who's has something similar, It's refreshing to know that this is a type of problem and she's not unique to it.

She's supposed to be going to work on Tuesday which means I'm tempted to take tomorrow off work and throw all drink away tonight to force her to detox. The thought of her losing her job and me not doing anything to prevent it makes me feel like i'd be a scumbag.
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Old 10-23-2016, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
Relationships aren't reform school. This is who she is. You can accept her for who she is and the limitations that presents, or decide that while you love her, the two of you aren't meant to ride off into the sunset together.
That's pretty hard hitting. The problem I'd have if I did decide to leave is that it would feel like I would be giving up on her that and the results of the break up could make her situation even worse.
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Old 10-23-2016, 11:01 AM
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I love or have loved all kinds of people who weren't or will never be my partner. Love, for me, is no longer enough. For a life partner, there has to be a common outlook and morality and lifestyle. My friends' drinking, financial skills, desire for children or lack thereof, do not impact my life the way a partner's would.
velma, I wish I had understood this much earlier in my life, but I'm grateful to get to understand it at all, never mind when. I still love XAH, if I'm honest about it, but even if he came gift wrapped with the Underwriter's Laboratory Seal of Sobriety, at this point in my life I would NOT marry him again. We are too different in some very basic ways.

Love is a necessary thing to a marriage or partnership, but it can't be the ONLY thing...
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Old 10-23-2016, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by thetroubledone View Post
That's pretty hard hitting. The problem I'd have if I did decide to leave is that it would feel like I would be giving up on her that and the results of the break up could make her situation even worse.
Giving up and letting go are not the same thing. Giving up implies that you have ever had any measure of control over her condition. That is an illusion. Letting go is accepting that she is an individual and an adult, and affording her the dignity of experiencing the consequences of her own choices, as opposed to treating her as a helpless child with no power over her own future.

If you were to let go and her situation were to get worse, it would be because she chose to allow that to be the result. She would only be using you as an excuse to continue to ignore her own problems. You would not, in and of yourself, be the problem.
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Old 10-23-2016, 11:10 AM
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The problem I'd have if I did decide to leave is that it would feel like I would be giving up on her that and the results of the break up could make her situation even worse.
You may feel like you are the only thing standing between her and a total meltdown, and maybe you are--but you are not necessarily doing her a favor in preventing that meltdown. As long as she is protected from the results of her drinking, why would she stop?

As long as you cover for her, clean up her messes, put up w/broken promises and lack of responsibility, nothing will change--at least not for the better.
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Old 10-23-2016, 11:18 AM
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It just occurred to me that there are two possible ways to read your name here: The Troubled One or The Trouble Done.

Folks here tend to start abbreviating names, and you could be TTD or TTO. Which would be the correct one for us to use?
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Old 10-23-2016, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by thetroubledone View Post
That's pretty hard hitting. The problem I'd have if I did decide to leave is that it would feel like I would be giving up on her that and the results of the break up could make her situation even worse.
Well, no one here has the power to help you make her stop.

You don't have that power, either.

So you're signing up for more of the same. Alcoholism doesn't get better, only worse.

What do you want for your life?



Did you read those "sticky posts" at the top of the forum?

Here, click this link below, then read all the threads at the top of the page that say,

Sticky

(Click here: Link)
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 10-23-2016, 11:36 AM
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If Bimini's suggestion of reading ALL the stickies is a tad overwhelming, maybe just start with this one, if you haven't seen it yet:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

It's hard for us to get it thru our heads that we are NOT responsible for our A's, that they are adults and have the right to do exactly as they please. However, along w/that right comes the responsibility of dealing w/the results of those actions, and if we take away that responsibility, we are treating an adult like a child, which is not right.

We are convinced we know better, and we believe they NEED us. I think almost all of us have worried that our A's would fall to pieces w/o us to run their lives for them. That's certainly not what happened when XAH and I split up. In fact, you would be much more likely to read posts here about how the A moves on and has a new relationship in record time while the non-A grieves and struggles, than about how the A has slipped further down b/c of how their partner abandoned them...
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Old 10-23-2016, 11:51 AM
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people who stuck around me while I was drinking, bringing me booze, nursing me after a spree, and making excuses for me were literally loving me to death.

". The problem I'd have if I did decide to leave is that it would feel like I would be giving up on her that and the results of the break up could make her situation even worse."

the people that walked away from me while I was drinking-imo, that was the smartest move they made for themselves.
sticking around me, I was only going to drag them down with me.

and everyone that walked away from me? not one of them was powerful enough to make my situation worse. that was my own doing.
and I was the one responsible for me getting me out of the hole I dug.
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Old 10-23-2016, 01:05 PM
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Yeah, just to chime in here. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics and am eight years sober, myself, and have known hundreds of alcoholics in various stages of drinking/recovery. Not one of them stopped before s/he was good and ready.

If you start managing her drinking to protect her from the consequences you are doing her no favors. If you think she will be grateful to you and determined to stop drinking because of her "close call," think again. All she learns is that you won't let her mess up her life too badly and she can keep drinking the way she wants to.

I know many people who had to lose virtually everything before they were able to stop. Not all, by any means--I finally DID scare myself into sobriety without too much significant damage to my external life (inside, I was falling apart). But that's relatively rare, in my experience. And if I'd had someone making it safe for me to keep on the way I was, I probably would have gone on longer.
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Old 10-23-2016, 01:36 PM
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As someone who has been there, trust me there's nothing you can do to prevent her from losing her job if she doesn't shape up. Maybe covering for her or throwing out the booze for a day will delay it, but ultimately alcoholics are very good at digging their own holes in spite of all well meaning efforts from others to stop them. They will follow it to hell - the decision you have to make is will you follow along.
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