qtpi

one of my character defects- self- pity! I admit it- it doesn't make life easier. Trying to remember to be grateful for health, friends, good work, and the freedom now to choose. So five months ago i left an alcoholic- highs and lows! Friends and family tell me he has stopped drinking. I think he bought a very expensive new car. Probably bought it with funds from an inheritance- not marital assets. My emotions are all over the place- but i am angry he bought a new car and is fighting alimony. i thought i would be retired or semi- retired at this age(62.5) but instead I am working- and i apologize in advance for sounding spoiled but i worked hard and we saved money and I was a good wife and an excellent money manager, and it make s me angry that he is in the house while i am living in an 800 square foot apartment. I like my lawyer but i wonder if i had gone to another lawyer if I would have interim alimony by now. Talking to other people - this is not unusual. I am finishing up the financial disclosure papers now- filling them out makes me feel physically ill- can't sleep, headaches, body aches, nausea. I sat down and figured out a worst case scenario- 50 % of the assets- he makes lot more money than i do so I hope for more- and it's not so bad but it's not so good either. After I get the financial settlement I plan to sit down with a retirement specialist at my place of work and try to come up with a reasonable plan for retirement - because I would really like to cut back to very part-time status. I wonder if I should have gotten interim alimony- I can support myself - but not at the financial level I enjoyed in the marriage. I guess it's too late now. I guess what I am really angry about right now is the money and the total unfairness of it. I should have the financial forms all filled out by Monday - then my lawyer is going to ask his lawyer if we can get everything settled. The divorce should be final on November 28 and she is hoping we can finish the financial settlement at the same time.

dandylion

qtpi....perhaps, I march to a little different drummer...but, I really don't call it "self-pity". I think of it as self empathy or self compassion....
If few feel that it is necessary to have empathy and compassion for other people--why can we not feel it for ourselves.
Often, when living with addicts or alcoholics...we tend to be lacking in self empathy because we give it all away.....

Smarie78

Not self-pity at all. Sounds like you have been the caretaker for everyone else that you forgot what it feels like to care for yourself so when it happens, you almost feel guilty about it.
It's OK. It's ok to feel sad and sorry for yourself. I remember for so long (and still do) felt so sorry for the A in my life. One day after it became too much I said "I don't feel sorry for YOU I feel sorry for ME!" It was the first time I admitted that I too was a victim. I didn't stay in that mentality too long, but it was an eye opener to me that yes, I too hurt. I too am allowed to feel sad.

Best of luck to you. You will make it work and it will be a lot more peaceful than the life you likely had with the A in your life. Money can't buy that at all.

maia1234

Q,
I'm sorry, it does hurt. Please don't feel that his life is a bed of roses. He is an alcoholic, sober or not. Chances are against him of staying that way, as their addiction is so powerful.

Keep working your program and mind your side of the street. Its sucks that you are getting the short end of the stick. But remember your life with him and count your blessings that you are out and not dealing with the self absorbed man any longer.

Go have fun this weekend and pamper yourself. Hugs my friend, it will be over soon.

qtpi

I still fight the urge to go back. I think I have a long way to go to get healthy and really think and act in my own best interest.

Bekindalways

Kudos to you for doing everything you can to get and stay healthy.

Also I second everything the others said. Unfortunately at this point in time, feeling pretty crappy about life and the STBXA is probably right where you need to be. Not fun! Down the road there very well may be gratitude, joy, healing and peace.

Keep working and taking that next right step.

qtpi

I talked to a friend last night who left with no job and applied for emergency interim alimony and didn't get it for five months. I guess the courts move so slowly. All your answers made me feel much better- thank you. The bad thing is I am remembering all the good things about STBXAH. Of course there were a lot of good things. I went to my secret diary from the time I lived with him and read over a lot of the bad things to remind myself- don't get why I just don't get it and stop obsessing- i guess that's all part of the process too. Plus we were married 33 years.

GnikNus

I'm not seeing self pity at all. Self pity would have come with an obvious desire to garner attention from others in a manipulative kind of way, and I don't see that at all. Due to your situation, you response seems justified.
I hope your situation can change. Keep focused on moving forward and maybe change will come.

Mklove

Q, yes, of course you have the idea that going back might be the fantasy come true, all of the paperwork stuff tossed by the wayside, real memories "erased," albeit temporarily, and a ride in a shiny new car to top it all off!!!!! The reality is less glamorous but in the long run a healthier and hard fought victory for you. Anyone can spring for new wheels to impress, not everyone can do what you are doing, looking into the mirror, setting short and long term goals that will make you the person you know you can be without drama from on again, off again drunk person.

teatreeoil007

Sweetie,

He can have the house, the impressive new car, etc. but if he is still drinking he is rotting from the inside-out. Bigger, newer is an outside job in his case. You are doing an 'inside-job' which is a wonderful transformation taking place that is so much better. Your health is priceless. You can be healthier and happier minus him even in your 800 square foot apt. and no matter what kind of car you drive. You're free!

qtpi

A friend is coming over today to look over the paperwork with me. I am sick to my stomach thinking about it. trying to be very kind towards myself. After the divorce- I will need benefits, and I had no benefits before- got 15 % extra- so I will make less money and have to pay for benefits too. meanwhile he is driving that new car, living in the big house... and my son still won't speak to me- i just wanted to get away from an abusive alcoholic, and it fells like I f****d myself over in the process.

teatreeoil007

Oh man this is to hard...and it can really work you over....you've got lots of support and understanding here. Keep reaching out. Sending you a big hug.