SusieJ

I've posted many posts in turmoil over my AH and his 2 year affair during this insanity.

Thank you I have seen the light. He came home and when I mean home it was here with me although it was only a short term stop gap to ensure that he was chilled and on the right road to recovery, it went against the grain after what he had put me through....but I had finally found emotional detachment and realised I could cope I had finally let go and could not forgive his cheating emotional affair with the OW.

The day after he left rehab instead of really concentrating on his recovery he decided that he wanted to be with the OW, I just calmly said Ok you've made your decision and you must do what's right for you and wished him well in his recovery.

But I cannot help thinking that this he has still not got his head together even though he's been sober for a month and although I accept what's happened he is still doing things that are quite frankly insane considering that he told,me an hour earlier that he has spent two years in a alcohol fog and yet bases a massive life changing decision on the fact he's just come out of rehab and is sober. His attitude was quite pompous and he told me he had,to be selfish and do things for him, which ok that's his choice.

I'm moving on with my life now without my AH and have spent time with the AlAnon Group which has been amazing.

I am interested in your thoughts on is he really sober just having left rehab and what's behind this newly pompous self gratification attitude. Although I had already made my decision after a couple of months of him being here and sober to admit the marriage was over due to his cheating, I still thought he had been a tad bit remorseful of what he had put me through or maybe my expectations were too high.

Thanks sue

Seren

Hi Susie! I'm glad you found some face-to-face support! That's great news!

I am sorry about your husband. I don't know that any of us can explain his attitude at all. But one thing I have learned over the years is that the hallmarks of true sobriety are rigorous honesty, humility, and transparency in all actions. From what you describe, your husband may be dry, but he does not sound 'sober'.

I wish you much peace and clarity as you move forward with your life...you deserve joy!! Hang in there!

Maudcat

Hi, Susie. I don't know a lot about rehab, but I do know that a month of sobriety is way too soon to be making big decisions. You sound like your head is on straight, anyway. Good luck.

Mountainmanbob

I went through rehab back in 1989 and kept in touch later with many there.
Truth is, more than half will probably relapse within a year.
True, many of these ones will give sobriety another try sometime down the road.
For the ones that do stay sober,
they have much to learn and will go through many life changes.
Some will mature and show great remorse and learn to be loving towards others,
and then some will only be referred to as a dry drunk.

M-Bob

Bekindalways

Wow Susie, you sound right on in your response to him. Whatever path his choice/path/recover/non-recovery follows, it sounds like your own path is headed for a spectacular recovery.

Kudos to you.

atalose

I say this with kindness I truly do……………what does it matter? If you have all intentions of accepting that your marriage is over and you want to move on with your life…………..what does his attitude or his sobriety matter at this point?

We remain very much attached when we are trying to analyze them and their behaviors no matter how much we try and tell ourselves different.

His cheating has nothing at all to do with you, as much as it hits the self-esteem, it really has nothing to do with you or your looks or your weight or your attitude or how much money you make or don’t make, etc. etc. This is his issue and his issue alone it’s about himself and his issues that he probably really won’t address and most likely drink again.

Keep focusing on you and try and shut down thoughts about him and his why’s, cause it doesn’t really matter.

SusieJ

Thank you I know your response is from the heart....he has done appalling things but I just need to understand as I am a caring person but doesn't mean to say I want him back he has made his bed and I'm relieved X

jojo82

When my wife was in rehab I heard and saw things from her that tore through my heart and gave utter darkness. I was destroyed. I mourned.

It is amazing to look back to see that she actually helped me during that time.

She was the one who pointed me towards Al-Anon.

She saw I was dying.

Al Anon showed me the disease.

I was too broken to keep up with denial. I opened up and shared and I got help.

I learned the truth about her condition. I learned that denial of reality is a symptom of the disease.

I knew then that that darkness I saw and heard from her was not her. I learned how to work towards recovery.

I learned that I was on my own and had to take care of myself and that I was powerless against alcoholism.

I learned how to ask for help. I learned about taking care of myself. I learned about my role in all the craziness. I learned about the person I want to be.

It wasn't her fault.

Al Anon taught me it wasn't my fault either.

Her love for me is what saved me.

It saved us.

I thank God for her.

maia1234

Susie,
I am so sorry that he chose the ow, as you so wanted him to "see" the light. It takes a long time for our addicts to truly see the light. I am sure he loves you to pieces, but he doesn't love himself. So to think that he loves this women, is a joke. You have lived with him for many years, it is only a matter of time before his true selfish ways will show through.

Count your blessings that the decision has been made. You will have very hard days, but we are all here supporting you. You will be so better off and he won't my friend. Life of an addict is not a pretty sight, drinking or sober.

Keep us close and keep moving forward. (I am sure you haven't heard the last of him, as they always say it is hard to get rid of an addict. ) Its best to stay no contact and do what you need to do. Hugs my friend, you will be ok!!

letitend

Imagine being the OW and building a life withan A just coming out of recovery. I am sure that this is not going to turn into a model relationship. I have been going thru something similar. I made my xAbf move out and then I moved so he wouldn't come back. Little did I know, he was already corresponding with a OW from work while living with me and our son. It is mind boggling but I am letting go. My path walking side by side with the A is over and it sounds like yours is too. We are the real 'winners'. I think to myself, what kind of person waits on the sidelines for a man already involved in a family. It leads me back to knowing that a person who could do this and be this way will reap what they sow. I also (and you) will get to reap what we sow. Except I know i am planting seeds of self-truth, love, acceptance and gratitude and one day those fruits will blossom and bloom into a fantastic new life. Won't that be a wonderful sight? Hugs to you my friend. You are strong and amazing. Keep your head high and your sights on the right prize. I will be walking and living this with you in spirit.

SusieJ

Thank you my friends just had another Al Anon meeting today which is so therapy I. Itself and have got,to say that this is probably the first meeting I've been to without bursting into tears. I really feel my higher power is kicking in and looking after me.

I also feel empowered today as my A has walked all over me and I give in today when he text me to borrow the car...I said no, and said he wasn't my problem anymore, comes and collect the rest of his things and no contact again.

Agree with about the comments around the OW, she is something else she was so desperate to have him she would do anything. The proble is (not mine anymore) but she has no clue on alcoholics and recovery, she never lived with it all she had was stolen moments........yes I can finally say it's over and you know what it's a relief x

Maudcat

I cried a lot in my first few meetings, too. It was when I stopped crying that the learning began. I am a healthier, happier person today because of it. As it happened, Al-Anon gave me insight about my own heavy drinking that eventually led me into the AA rooms and sobriety. Double win.

Mklove

I have been surprised so many times by what I think is going on with other people is so different from what is actually happening that've learned to own only my own behaviors. I try to analyze my own reactions and by starting there I can guess, without assumptions, where the other person might be coming from. I am also trying to have a better balance and not overthink so much about day to day social happenings, especially at work, who knows where the CEO and others in their 5 minute interactions might reach for conclusions about me. All I can do is work hard, stay neutral, be professional. Easy now the I can avoid heaving on the way to work and maybe right before the meetings.

NYCDoglvr

It's irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that you're pursuing your own recovery. Alanon taught me to stop focusing on the alcoholic and deal with my own issues.