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My life is out of control

Old 10-20-2016, 08:34 AM
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My life is out of control

I am not new but not was not sure where to post this. I feel like i am on a downward spiral. My life is such a mess. I quit my job which was not the best job anyway but now i am regretting it. I have no direction in life. Im 35 and going nowhere! The worst part is i am afraid all the bad things going on in my life are a result of my drinking. I have not been clear headed for yrs! I am so lost. I keep trying to stop drinking and i just cant. I always fall back on it. I get stressed and go right to the bottle. I am married, have a child, i know i have a good life but i cant seem to see that. Is it all because of alcohol? Can i really have a good life, if i just stopped?
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Old 10-20-2016, 08:49 AM
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letsdance,
many of us find we need to do more than just stop in order to have a good life.
but just stopping increases the possibilities.

and in order to "just stop", many of us find we need to do other stuff so we can stay stopped.
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Old 10-20-2016, 08:56 AM
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Stopping drinking is no guarantee for a good life, but continuing to drink will guarantee a bad one.

I couldn't stop drinking by myself; AA helped me. I followed their suggestions and in time my life definitely got better, much more than I even expected. Of course, I still had problems and crises (from day-to-day stress to deaths of loved ones) to deal with, but they mostly weren't of my own making anymore and I was better equipped to deal with them.
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Old 10-20-2016, 09:06 AM
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I found this list yesterday in the secular forums sticky section. I am going to print it out, laminate it and put it in my bathroom mirrow to read every day.
Some excellents points to change our thinking patterns.

Quote:
Sunyata's Personal Do's and Dont's for Secular Recovery
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If this helps you, wonderful, if not, then it is not for you:


1)HIT BOTTOM. The pain of continuing has to outweigh the fear of stopping.

2)Decide that you want to be happy! Because recovery is happiness! Crave true, pure happiness like you craved your drink, drug. If drugs and liquor made people happy we would all be on the corner or at the liquor store all day, but they don't make us happy! Drugs and drinking hurt us!

3)TRY AA OR NA!!! Give AA or NA a serious try. They work for many people. Only after you have tried repeatedly, and know in your heart that you cannot stop drinking and drugging in the 12 Step Modality, should you say "this doesn't work for me".

4) Don't associate with people you drank with, used with, especially in the beginning, and even later on. Bars and clubs are not good for recovery or the development of spirituality or insight. They are predicated on escaping from reality, not confronting it, which is what recovery is all about.

4) Substitution: every time you get a craving, engage in a positive or netural behavior, instead of letting the negative seeds in your mind linger. Do something you used to love, and forgot about, even if it feels awkward (which it will, everything is awkward in the beginning, and even later on, heehee)

5)Meditate every morning, using Thich Nhat Hanh's "Miracle of Mindfulness" or any WWW set of meditation instructions (Google Mindfulness of Breathing). Meditation on the Breath is SECULAR, breath is not religious object, breath is natural, we all have it. Start small (five minutes), don't beat yourself up, don't quit.

6) Think the drug, drink through, realize that the drug/drink is a temporary fix to a temporary problem, a problem that will go away of its own accord. THINGS TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. HAVE FAITH IN THAT PROPOSITION. IT IS TRUE.

7) Develop your spiritual life. If you are an atheist, read Sartre and Einstein and Darwin. if you are a Pagan, read the Upanishads or the Vedas, the Tao Te Ching or Celtic stuff. If you are Buddhist read Dhammapada or whatever. Anything that helps you....READ AND DO!

8)Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results. Converse of above, anything that hurts you....DON'T DO!

9)LOVE YOURSELF! YOU ARE WORTH SAVING! YOUR HUMAN LIFE IS PRECIOUS! DO NOT WASTE IT! Recognize your own divinity and specialness, the wonder that is you! You must recover for yourself, because you want to be happy. Without a real aspiration to get clean and sober, it is impossible to get sober and clean.

10)Learn to fail! Failure can be the greatest blessing, as it teaches us more than success, and without failure, we cannot succeed. THE MORE MISTAKES YOU MAKE THE MORE YOU ARE TRYING TO GROW!

11) Do not hate your "negative emotions" or "bad thoughts". Do not hate "your disease". Don't condemn yourself. Your imperfections and defects are a part of you! You are not Iraq! You are not Vietnam! You are a human being, not a battlefield. You are not Disease vs. God, or God Vs. Devil, or Light Vs. Dark. You are perfectly imperfect, and if you wait to be perfect before you love yourself, you will die miserable.

12)Accept life as it is. This world is not a safe place, and there is much wrong with it, but this does not mean we cannot be happy here!

13)Take responsibility for your own happiness. No one else is responsible for your actions but you. Your happiness and your despair, are in your hands, and your hands alone. Your destiny is your own. We cannot choose the hand we are dealt, but sometimes there is more satisfaction in skillfully playing a horrible hand than playing a good one. No one can save you but yourself, so you have to decide that you are worth saving. It is only when you make this decision that others can help you.

14)Seek out positive people who don't drink, use drugs addictively. (There are tons of them, and the vast majority do not go to 12 Step Fellowships)


15) Never give up! The only failure, in this world, is to quit!




Peace and Courage,
Sunyata
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Old 10-20-2016, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by letsdance View Post
Can i really have a good life, if i just stopped?
i couldnt

the little bit of budweiser and weak marijuana i used in my 20s were the symptom of the real problem which is me

steps 2 thru 12 help with the real problem

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Old 10-20-2016, 09:37 AM
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For me personally, I found life was better when I stopped drinking. It was only when I stopped drinking heavily every day that I realized that my depression and all sorts of other things were being actually being caused, or at least being enhanced by alcohol. I have lost days, months, years of my children's childhood because I drank so much. I have missed so much drinking so heavily the last 10 or so years.
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Old 10-20-2016, 10:53 AM
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[QUOTE=Oct142016;6180090]For me personally, I found life was better when I stopped drinking. It was only when I stopped drinking heavily every day that I realized that my depression and all sorts of other things were being actually being caused, or at least being enhanced by alcohol. I have lost days, months, years of my children's childhood because I drank so much. I have missed so much drinking so heavily the last 10 or so years.[/QUOTE

Thank you. I know my life will get better if i stop. I have missed so much of my childs life as well. He is only 7. I dont want to miss anymore!
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Old 10-20-2016, 12:43 PM
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I had to sort out my drinking, and sort out my thinking. Both were alcoholic. Thing is the drinking had to stop before I could get on with sorting out my thinking and skewed perspectives (working on my recovery ). When ì work hard on my recovery and focus (in a sane and sober way) on doing the next best thing at any point, then my life improves in all areas - not overnight, but slowly and surely.
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Old 10-20-2016, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by letsdance View Post
I am married, have a child, i know i have a good life but i cant seem to see that. Is it all because of alcohol? Can i really have a good life, if i just stopped?
Yes, but you won't know it until after you do quit drinking. From within the bubble of addiction, life appears to not be worth living at all without the drink. This is only an illusion, created by the addiction.

In the worst case scenario, you won't make your life any worse for yourself and your family by generating new problems from drinking, or by destroying hard-won gains every so often.
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Old 10-20-2016, 03:34 PM
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I have a great life now lets dance. Like others have said, it took more than just not drinking for me....but not drinking was the fundamental step...it made all the changes that followed that much easier

If I can do it at 40, you have a decade on me - you can do this

if you need any ideas, just ask around

D
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Old 10-20-2016, 03:38 PM
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StormiNormi,

I like what you posted. I copied it to a Notepad document so I can use it. It's funny that you found that in the "secular" forum. As many people tout AA as being "God-based" and avoid it because of that, the 1-15 items you posted have come up in many many of the AA meetings I attend. I'm glad you posted.
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Old 10-20-2016, 03:44 PM
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I have felt and believed for many many years that the underlying issues need to be addressed, regardless of what is driving a person to become addicted to 'whatever' they are addicted to. Whether that be food, gambling, sex, chemical substances, relationships,workaholism, etc., whatever.

That takes a very honest, open look at oneself and figuring out what the heck is really going on. For some people it's stress. For some it's depression. Boredom. Lack of purpose and direction in life. There are so many reasons, really....unresolved past hurts, such as being abused as a child. Or, for example being violated in whatever form.

One of my in-laws is what I consider a 'serial addict'. What I mean by that is throughout her adult life she has had one addiction after another. When she quits one, she takes up another. Valium, cigarettes, food, overspending, videos, gambling, hoarding. I believe most of that behavior arises from her childhood in which there was a huge lack of security and at one point she and her siblings were all placed in foster care.

It's kind of a long story, but when she was a little girl before being put in foster care she literally did not know whether or not she would have anything to eat for dinner. I think that is one of the main things that led to the hoarding.
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Old 10-20-2016, 05:03 PM
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My life was out of control too. My drinking was the symptom of deeper issues but I had to quit the self medicating before I could address (or even knew of) the issues I had, such as emotional pain and shame from a traumatic and difficult childhod.

Addiction is the avoidance of reality. We addicts find day to day life too boring, tedious, or emotionally painful to cope with.. so we choose ways to avoid it. To reward ourselves for coping. To ease our overactive minds.

We drink, shop, gamble, watch porn, etc.. as a distraction from reality, a means of finding comfort. If we stop one addiction, often another takes it's place unless we address the underlying discomfort. Before we can do that, we have to remove the primary addiction.

There are many proven methods to quit drinking or other addictive behaviors, but in the long run the addict has to learn to find peace in the moment. This may take therapy if there are emotional wounds. AA stepwork is also surprisingly helpful in this regard.

Mindfulness, acceptance, gratitude and awareness of the ego - the constant train of damaging and distorted thoughts - is the key to accepting reality, living in the moment, and finding happiness.
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Old 10-20-2016, 05:50 PM
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I felt very much like you when I first came here, letsdance.

Drinking had once been a fun way to relax & forget troubles. I didn't realize it had completely overtaken my life until I found myself drinking every day. Like you, I hadn't been truly clear headed in a long time. It's a dangerous and sad way to live, even though most of us never intended to end up dependent on it.

Being here with friends who care helped me find the courage to change. We know you can too. Glad to have you with us.
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Old 10-21-2016, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 View Post
I have felt and believed for many many years that the underlying issues need to be addressed, regardless of what is driving a person to become addicted to 'whatever' they are addicted to. Whether that be food, gambling, sex, chemical substances, relationships,workaholism, etc., whatever.

That takes a very honest, open look at oneself and figuring out what the heck is really going on. For some people it's stress. For some it's depression. Boredom. Lack of purpose and direction in life. There are so many reasons, really....unresolved past hurts, such as being abused as a child. Or, for example being violated in whatever form.

One of my in-laws is what I consider a 'serial addict'. What I mean by that is throughout her adult life she has had one addiction after another. When she quits one, she takes up another. Valium, cigarettes, food, overspending, videos, gambling, hoarding. I believe most of that behavior arises from her childhood in which there was a huge lack of security and at one point she and her siblings were all placed in foster care.

It's kind of a long story, but when she was a little girl before being put in foster care she literally did not know whether or not she would have anything to eat for dinner. I think that is one of the main things that led to the hoarding.
That makes sense. I had a pretty crazy upbringing. My mom was a binge drinker and very mean when she drank. She made me life a living hell growing up, and i didnt have anyone around to help as my parents were divorced. I think my childhood is still affecting me. I also tend to go from one habit to another. Its either drinking, eating, shopping etc. I know i need to battle my alcoholism first before i can take the next step. Its just so hard as u all know.
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Old 10-21-2016, 08:19 AM
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Let's Dance,
To answer your questions You can have a beautiful life without alcohol. Is alcohol the cause of all your problems? You can answer that, but I would guess that alot of your problems have been caused by alcohol abuse. Most of us have other problems that we need to deal with besides quitting drinking. One thing at a time though. First, what is your plan for stopping and staying stopped?
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