Bellamar

My husband and I fight almost every night about his drinking. When he doesn't end up drinking he won't speak to me and tells me how angry I make him. It's really upsetting because we seem to grow further and further apart. I feel trapped and I wish things would change. He says he know and realizes that he has a problem but he won't stop! I don't know what to do anymore! Please help

Maudcat

Hi, Bellamar. Welcome. Things don't sound good at home, but you found this site. It can be a great source for experience and support. How much do you know about alcohol dependency? There are "stickies" at the top of the site's main menu that have loads of info about alcoholism and why it's called " the family disease". Check it out. I am a member of Al-Anon, a support group for people troubled by a loved one's drinking. There are group meetings everywhere and online. You might check that out, too. The people there have been where you are now, and can be a support source as well. A last comment: we can't control someone else's behavior. Fights don't work. Threats don't work. If someone wants to drink, nothing and no one will stop them. Please begin to take care of you by learning strategies for coping with your situation.

Bekindalways

Welcome Bellamar. I'm so glad you found SR. There are many folks who have been in your position.

While there really is nothing you can do about your husband's drinking there is tons you can do for yourself. Like Maudcat said, Alanon is worth checking out. Also look for the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Lots of us have found it useful.

Again welcome!

CoParentToA

Your story sounds a lot like mine, if you add to it eventually dragging my husband to counseling sessions where he refused to talk about his drinking at all - under the threat that if I brought it up, he would never return.

I didn't realize he was an alcoholic at the time - I wouldn't until years later. I used to think he was just an ******* and a "problem drinker" when he was stressed.

You could do what I did:

First, believe him when he tells you that the only reason he's stressed is because he's not a dad yet, so pursue countless rounds of IVF to fix that problem.

Then, when failed IVF after IVF has you falling apart emotionally and he says he "can't deal" with your pain, find ways to outsource your emotional health, eventually falling in love with your coworker after realizing how rewarding and easy a true partnership can be. Do that for a few years, and THEN when it all comes to a head, leave your husband in a divorce which is fraught with the sense of entitlement that only an alcoholic who has been cheated on can bring to the table, costing you literally tens of thousands of dollars and years of sanity for yourself and the people you love.

Spend the nights that your children are with him worrying about their safety, because when you negotiated custody of your babies, your attorney told you that unless you can PROVE he is an alcoholic, saying he is one will get you nowhere. Wait for the other shoe to drop.

OR: follow your initial instinct that something is terribly wrong and educate yourself about alcoholism. Decide that you cannot and will not continue to live in a marriage with an alcoholic. State that boundary and keep it - for your own sake.

It's not going to get better. He doesn't want to change. If you want a change, you will have to pursue it for yourself.

Here's the thing: had I realized my husband was an alcoholic, and not just the lazy jerk he thought I was, I think in hindsight I might have excused his behavior - instead I found it inexcusable, for both me and my new children, and I found myself an escape path, albeit one that was plenty fraught with its own issues.

Bellamar

Thanks for your kind words and replies. I understand what is going on and I understand that I can not change him, so right now I'm at a point in my life where I feel I need to leave him. See he does not drink much during the week anymore and he is wonderful (I am sure many have experienced this) but I dread fridays. Thats when he drinks until he is so drunk he has to go to bed, after binge eating everything in sight. He does this Friday and Saturday and most Sundays. I hate it! I hate laying next to him in bed! I am not attracted to him anymore and he disgusts me. I do not mean to sound harsh but I tried to be supportive and talk about it and encourage him to see help and well he would not! I am tired of sitting here right now, alone because he is in bed and we dont enjoy our weekends together. There are so many things I want to do and I have recently returned to school in hopes of a better career. This is really when things started to sink in and I realized that I can not do it anymore. I feel like daily I am trying to figure out a plan on how I can leave him, and just how to go about this whole situation. I also love to excericse so that has been a big destresser for me but I need out! I cant do it anymore, its weighing me down. Yes i will locate the Al anon in my town and attend a meeting, perhaps this will give me the strength of going through with it. But then I ask myself what if i leave him and then he begs and pleads that he will change? What do I do? I do not trust him because of how he has acted in the past.
Thanks for reading my messages and providing me with support.
Thank you!

rae145

It didn't sound harsh. I'm glad you wrote it-it helps me to remember why I left. I don't know if I'm just not able to see clearly yet or for some sick reason, I want to alter my memories! I wish I would've kept a damn journal when I was with him.

Bekindalways

Bellamar, just keep taking the next step in the process. Going back to school sounds like it has been a good thing for you. Finding an Alanon group can be another next step. Perhaps finding a friend or group to do things with on weekends could help.

One thing for certain is that as you detach and work on yourself, more will be revealed. What your husband will do when/if you leave him, you can't know so just keep that planning going for the next couple of things you need to do.

Big hug and keep letting us know how it goes.

maia1234

B,
I agree with the other posters. If he does meraculosly gets sober after you leave, you can always cancel or post pone the divorce proceedings, if that is what you choose. Do what you need to do and follow through with all threats. More is always revealed with our addicts.