What to say to kids when dad is drunk?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 2
What to say to kids when dad is drunk?
Hi everyone,
I'm new here...living with an alcoholic who refuses to admit it. We have 3 boys (7, 9, 11), and as a general rule, he's an ok father. He doesn't do anything to put the kids in danger, goes to all their school events, helps with their homework, plays video games with them, etc. When he drinks, sometimes he yells, but they mostly roll their eyes and aren't afraid or anything. He doesn't get physical. The oldest is to the point where he recognizes that it's being caused by drinking, and will come up to me and say, "I think dad had too much rum tonight." Which is devastating. But in the big picture, at this point I feel like staying together is a net positive for the kids, so I haven't considered leaving (though I would have been gone months ago if not for the kids).
My question is, when he is drinking and starts acting like a jerk or yelling, what should I say to my kids? Is it appropriate to tell them he has a drinking problem? I usually try to get them out of the room if I see that he's getting into "angry drunk" phase. But what should I be saying to them about this?
I'm so angry that my husband is putting our family in this position over some substance. I've tried talking to him, and asked him to stop drinking, but he says he's just "blowing off steam" when he drinks and that I'm trying to take away the one thing that helps him relax. But it DOESN'T help him relax - it helps him act like an ass. I'm also worried about his liver, because he's drinking maybe 10 shots of rum at least 5 days a week - maybe more. I don't know - now he's started buying the bigger bottle to "save money." Yeah right.
Thank you in advance for any advice.
I'm new here...living with an alcoholic who refuses to admit it. We have 3 boys (7, 9, 11), and as a general rule, he's an ok father. He doesn't do anything to put the kids in danger, goes to all their school events, helps with their homework, plays video games with them, etc. When he drinks, sometimes he yells, but they mostly roll their eyes and aren't afraid or anything. He doesn't get physical. The oldest is to the point where he recognizes that it's being caused by drinking, and will come up to me and say, "I think dad had too much rum tonight." Which is devastating. But in the big picture, at this point I feel like staying together is a net positive for the kids, so I haven't considered leaving (though I would have been gone months ago if not for the kids).
My question is, when he is drinking and starts acting like a jerk or yelling, what should I say to my kids? Is it appropriate to tell them he has a drinking problem? I usually try to get them out of the room if I see that he's getting into "angry drunk" phase. But what should I be saying to them about this?
I'm so angry that my husband is putting our family in this position over some substance. I've tried talking to him, and asked him to stop drinking, but he says he's just "blowing off steam" when he drinks and that I'm trying to take away the one thing that helps him relax. But it DOESN'T help him relax - it helps him act like an ass. I'm also worried about his liver, because he's drinking maybe 10 shots of rum at least 5 days a week - maybe more. I don't know - now he's started buying the bigger bottle to "save money." Yeah right.
Thank you in advance for any advice.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fairyfeathers....you don't have to tell the kids that their dad "has a drinking problem". They already know....
They may not know what "label" to place on it...but they know about it..
It is almost universal that we parents underestimate how much our kids know about the environment around them. By Nature and necessity, developing children absorb everything around them, like little sponges. They are very self focused and notice everything that affects them or that they can learn from.
We adults, by contrast, have a ton of responsibility and our attention is taken in a dozen other directions...sometimes, simultaneously....lol...
We miss a lot, because of this.
I hope that you will spend time reading and learning here, on SR.
You might begin by reading some of the stickies that are on the main page, above the threads. Especially, the one called "Classic Reading".
there is so much to learn....
They may not know what "label" to place on it...but they know about it..
It is almost universal that we parents underestimate how much our kids know about the environment around them. By Nature and necessity, developing children absorb everything around them, like little sponges. They are very self focused and notice everything that affects them or that they can learn from.
We adults, by contrast, have a ton of responsibility and our attention is taken in a dozen other directions...sometimes, simultaneously....lol...
We miss a lot, because of this.
I hope that you will spend time reading and learning here, on SR.
You might begin by reading some of the stickies that are on the main page, above the threads. Especially, the one called "Classic Reading".
there is so much to learn....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Hi FF,
I always talked to my children about drinking. I never called it a drinking problem. I would just say dad drank too much. I don't minimize it and I don't try to exaggerate it to the children. One way we can exaggerate is by trying to predict the future with the children. IMO they need to stay in the moment and know there's one responsible adult taking care of them and looking after them. If the future doesn't occur, or the risk of liver disease, the children may see it as a lie.
Talking to them on their age level helps them identify for themselves what responsible drinking is and what problem drinking looks like. They do see the consequences of drinking irresponsibly.
I always talked to my children about drinking. I never called it a drinking problem. I would just say dad drank too much. I don't minimize it and I don't try to exaggerate it to the children. One way we can exaggerate is by trying to predict the future with the children. IMO they need to stay in the moment and know there's one responsible adult taking care of them and looking after them. If the future doesn't occur, or the risk of liver disease, the children may see it as a lie.
Talking to them on their age level helps them identify for themselves what responsible drinking is and what problem drinking looks like. They do see the consequences of drinking irresponsibly.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
As the child of an alcoholic I would have liked being able to talk about how my father's drinking made me feel. Having that validated and having it recognized. I didn't need answers, just a shoulder. I also needed to be educated about alcoholism. I needed guidance on how to deal with my emotions, how to cope. As opposed to learning that the way one copes with powerful emotions or stress is to drink alcohol. Its a viscous cycle.
I was aware of my father's alcoholism by 7 years old. But I didn't understand it. I needed to know it wasn't normal (I was amazed by any adult that didn't get drunk), that it wasn't my fault and that I was worthy of love and acceptance.
I was aware of my father's alcoholism by 7 years old. But I didn't understand it. I needed to know it wasn't normal (I was amazed by any adult that didn't get drunk), that it wasn't my fault and that I was worthy of love and acceptance.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fairyfeathers...your children are not too y oung for alateen.....exceot, the youngest one...I am not sure about....I have heard, that, in some places, they have groups for the youngest ones.....
I have heard that Celebrate Recovery programs (usually held in churches...have programs for the kids, too.
I have heard that Celebrate Recovery programs (usually held in churches...have programs for the kids, too.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
I left my child's alcoholic father for the 2nd time a little over a month ago. I have talked to my son about alcohol. I have done it in a very age appropriate way I feel. The reason I have talked to him about it is because my xA often talked about beer and partying. My son has mentioned alcohol in conversation at my mom's. I felt the need to let my son know that alcohol is not good for a person's body. I relate it to one's health. I do not relate it necessarily to his dad being a bad person because he drinks. If that makes sense.
I feel like my son already knows that drinking alcohol creates problems. Actually, I know he does. When xA moved out before our son was age 4. When we would fight/argue, he would get really upset and ask us to stop. After the xA moved back in, we didn't fight as much. However, the tension was still high. We clearly did not like one another for our own reasons. I knew that I had to get my son out of this situation and I did just recently. My friends and family members all supported me. A couple were quite surprised that I ended it so quickly. I wasn't. I could not take living with an alcoholic and living in the environment we created together.
I have to say this about staying together 'for the kids'. This is based on my own experience. Staying together with my xA meant that I was giving a part of myself away. It meant that I couldn't share the true me with my son. It meant that part of my patience and acceptance of life situations was partly consumed by dealing with an active alcoholic in the home. It meant that I was carrying around resentment, bitterness, and dismay. It meant that I couldn't be fully engaged with my 6.5 year old because I was giving away all of the above to trying to cope with living in a situation I abhorred.
What has happened in a short amount of time away from the xA? My son and I are bonding like never before. We laugh. I can discipline him with love and patience. I am not criticized about loving and disciplining him. We took a walk to Wal-Mart last night and he told me I was the best mom ever. My son does enjoy going to visit his dad. He does want to spend time with him. But, he isn't longing for him. He doesn't talk about him in the home. He acknowledges that he knows that I will always take care of him.
Just wanted to give you a glimpse of my thoughts because I have a child in a situation similar to your own.
I feel like my son already knows that drinking alcohol creates problems. Actually, I know he does. When xA moved out before our son was age 4. When we would fight/argue, he would get really upset and ask us to stop. After the xA moved back in, we didn't fight as much. However, the tension was still high. We clearly did not like one another for our own reasons. I knew that I had to get my son out of this situation and I did just recently. My friends and family members all supported me. A couple were quite surprised that I ended it so quickly. I wasn't. I could not take living with an alcoholic and living in the environment we created together.
I have to say this about staying together 'for the kids'. This is based on my own experience. Staying together with my xA meant that I was giving a part of myself away. It meant that I couldn't share the true me with my son. It meant that part of my patience and acceptance of life situations was partly consumed by dealing with an active alcoholic in the home. It meant that I was carrying around resentment, bitterness, and dismay. It meant that I couldn't be fully engaged with my 6.5 year old because I was giving away all of the above to trying to cope with living in a situation I abhorred.
What has happened in a short amount of time away from the xA? My son and I are bonding like never before. We laugh. I can discipline him with love and patience. I am not criticized about loving and disciplining him. We took a walk to Wal-Mart last night and he told me I was the best mom ever. My son does enjoy going to visit his dad. He does want to spend time with him. But, he isn't longing for him. He doesn't talk about him in the home. He acknowledges that he knows that I will always take care of him.
Just wanted to give you a glimpse of my thoughts because I have a child in a situation similar to your own.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Living with an alcoholic parent can be very traumatic for the children and can leave lasting scars. They can grow up blaming themselves or having to lie and hide the truth from the outside world so they grow up with shame and often isolation. They live in worry, fear, sadness, insecurity and resentment.
They grow up resenting the non-alcoholic parent for keeping them in an unhealthy environment. They grow up with a learned behavior of using a substance as the remedy to fix feelings.
I always believe the truth is the best policy and age appropriate talks so they learn to have an open and free dialog about their feelings that revolve around the drinking parent and the situation they are in that they have no control over.
Alcoholism is a family disease its going to affect everyone and not everyone is going to deal with it in the same manner. You may notice one of your kids rolling their eyes while another one is silently in fear.
Research alcoholism and its effects on the entire family and what resources in your area may be available for you and your children.
Something we say around here often………….when we know better we do better. Arm yourself with knowledge!
They grow up resenting the non-alcoholic parent for keeping them in an unhealthy environment. They grow up with a learned behavior of using a substance as the remedy to fix feelings.
I always believe the truth is the best policy and age appropriate talks so they learn to have an open and free dialog about their feelings that revolve around the drinking parent and the situation they are in that they have no control over.
Alcoholism is a family disease its going to affect everyone and not everyone is going to deal with it in the same manner. You may notice one of your kids rolling their eyes while another one is silently in fear.
Research alcoholism and its effects on the entire family and what resources in your area may be available for you and your children.
Something we say around here often………….when we know better we do better. Arm yourself with knowledge!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi and Welcome
You have three boys. How is having an alcoholic father a positive? What kind of example is your husband setting as a man to those three boys? I myself am not understanding the positive in this situation. My ex used to do those extra curricular things with my son also, while he was under the influence at times. I used to get a knot in my stomach, I can't imagine how my son must have felt. Some day soon I will ask him.
Ro
You have three boys. How is having an alcoholic father a positive? What kind of example is your husband setting as a man to those three boys? I myself am not understanding the positive in this situation. My ex used to do those extra curricular things with my son also, while he was under the influence at times. I used to get a knot in my stomach, I can't imagine how my son must have felt. Some day soon I will ask him.
Ro
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
But in the big picture, at this point I feel like staying together is a net positive for the kids, so I haven't considered leaving (though I would have been gone months ago if not for the kids)
Just consider, that if it were just you, your husband wouldn't really measure up and you would leave. But, you think he is beneficial to your kids. This is fairly contradictory. If you were to leave, they would still have a dad....they just wouldn't be living with that drunken chaos 100% of the time. What is best for you IS best for your kids!! Healthy, HAPPY mama IS best for the kids!
This is easy for me to say - I don't have kids, so please take it with a grain of salt...but SO MANY people in here don't want to leave 'for the kids.' I have a couple friends in real life that won't leave for the kids. And over and over in here and in my real life, I've seen parents that have said that end up fleeing, scared and in crisis because the alcoholism, yelling, intimidation, and sometimes violence has escalated to the point where "pretty good dad" has insidiously turned into family terrorist, and now no one is getting out unscathed.
It happens slowly, and the good times in between make the bad times bearable, for a while. Alcoholism ONLY progresses when they don't want to stop drinking. When we think the alcoholic drinks 10 drinks a day, we can usually times that by 50% or more. We never really know how much' We just know it is too much. On the flip side of that, when WE say its not that bad, we can usually dig a little deeper and see that WE are padding that statement by half or less as well. (((HUGS))) Please stay here, read everything you can, post as much as you need to. You are in the right place!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I know where you are coming from. My wife did almost he same thing for years. She hid her drinking though, vodka in water bottles, etc. I told the kids to never take a drink out of anything mom was drinking from.
Like someone said earlier. The kids know. You're not hiding anything from them and neither is he. His blowing off steam is creating stress in the family and setting a bad example on how to deal with stress for his children. His actions say it's ok to do unhealthy things instead of finding healthy ways of stress relief (exercise, meditation, talking with his spouse...).
Be honest and open with the kids. Let them know this is not a healthy way to deal with stress. Be the positive influence in their life that he is not. Let him know you won't hide his problem from the kids.
As to sticking in the marriage because of the kids. Been there. I am still with her (she's been sober since 2009) after years of drinking and all the other things that came with it (her affair, her suicide attempt, the DUI). I wanted a healthy family environment, instead of divorced parents. Still not sure if I made the right choice but I keep telling myself my kids are well adjusted even if I am a wreck inside.
The one piece of advice I can give is don't enable or justify his actions. Call them like you see them. Don't let him make you feel bad for pointing out what he should see in himself.
Like someone said earlier. The kids know. You're not hiding anything from them and neither is he. His blowing off steam is creating stress in the family and setting a bad example on how to deal with stress for his children. His actions say it's ok to do unhealthy things instead of finding healthy ways of stress relief (exercise, meditation, talking with his spouse...).
Be honest and open with the kids. Let them know this is not a healthy way to deal with stress. Be the positive influence in their life that he is not. Let him know you won't hide his problem from the kids.
As to sticking in the marriage because of the kids. Been there. I am still with her (she's been sober since 2009) after years of drinking and all the other things that came with it (her affair, her suicide attempt, the DUI). I wanted a healthy family environment, instead of divorced parents. Still not sure if I made the right choice but I keep telling myself my kids are well adjusted even if I am a wreck inside.
The one piece of advice I can give is don't enable or justify his actions. Call them like you see them. Don't let him make you feel bad for pointing out what he should see in himself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
angry drunk dad is now a "normalized" event in your home. and it is having a hugely negative impact on your children, which may not show itself until further down the road. Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) bear the scars of growing up in an environment dominated by a tyrant.....living thru the chaos and uncertainty of just which "parent" is going to show up that day.
your husband's drinking is on the increase. things are not going to get better.....any net positives (??) you think are still in play will rapidly diminish. the alcohol he consumes, the more the alcohol consumes him.
these are very formative years for your boys - look at the role model being presented to them.....of how a father behaves, and what a mother is willing to put up with to maintain the status quo.
your husband's drinking is on the increase. things are not going to get better.....any net positives (??) you think are still in play will rapidly diminish. the alcohol he consumes, the more the alcohol consumes him.
these are very formative years for your boys - look at the role model being presented to them.....of how a father behaves, and what a mother is willing to put up with to maintain the status quo.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the advice. I have been handling things by saying, "Ok guys, dad has had too much to drink, let's go..." I haven't tried to hide things or make excuses for his behavior. To clarify my "net positive" comment, things have not gotten to the point where we are seeing constant fighting, blow-ups, that sort of thing. Much of his drinking is happening after kids go to bed, and most of the time he either sits with me and watches tv and falls asleep or plays video games. So I am now at the point where I am asking myself how often is too often when kids ARE awake. Like, if he gets drunk and yells about stupid crap once every couple weeks, should I leave him? I genuinely don't know. I think I am going to try to find a therapist to talk this through. He is very close with the kids, and doesn't have any of the behaviors I've read in other posts - never drinks and drives, doesn't cheat, doesn't lie (as far as I know)... This whole situation is breaking my heart, because this was not the person I married. And I think I'm especially confused and disturbed by the whole situation because I grew up with a really verbally abusive father who did scream and yell frequently and made us all miserable. My mother finally threw him out and divorced him, and we thought things would get better, but then my mother was so overwhelmed as a single mom and at times was working 2 jobs, so we ended up without adequate supervision or support, and I've felt most of my life like even having him there yelling was better than after he left. So I'm sort of in the beginning stages of realizing I'm married to an alcoholic, I guess.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, fairyfeathers, and welcome. Just adding my two cents to what has already been posted. My dad was an alcoholic, beer during the week, beer and whiskey on weekends sometimes, sometimes just beer. I knew that he was not someone you wanted be around come sunday night. He was an angry, maudlin drunk, and we avoided him as much as possible when he was drinking. I have few happy memories of my childhood with my father. Mostly I remember his anger, his slaps, and his sarcasm. I guess those looking into our life would say he was an "okay" dad. To me, there was nothing okay about him. To your question, I have always advocated age-appropriate honesty about things with kids. No judgement, because they don't need that. kids always see and know a lot more than we think they do, as you have said regarding your son. Good luck. Peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think you’ll figure it out and discover what works best for you. Not sure of your age but I do know there are a lot of programs out there to help single moms that were not around years ago.
I think it would be a wise decision to go talk with a professional, work through issues from the past that may or may not be clouding your judgment today.
And I do hope you stick around, it can all be so over whelming but you really have a wealth of knowledge here at SR with some amazing people who’ve been right where you are today.
I think it would be a wise decision to go talk with a professional, work through issues from the past that may or may not be clouding your judgment today.
And I do hope you stick around, it can all be so over whelming but you really have a wealth of knowledge here at SR with some amazing people who’ve been right where you are today.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh my heart just goes out to you and your family.
You don't need to clarify the 'net positive' bit. We've ALL been there, and many of us still are. We ALL do this on our own timeline, and no one else's. We all have different backgrounds, circumstances, and extended friends / family situations.
Despite our differences and uniqueness - the situations often begin the same. The realizations hit us in similar fashions. The changes and patterns in the alcoholic are consistent. And, if we seek help for ourselves, the changes in US are pretty consistent. For those of us that left, I could guess we're pretty unified in feeling that we stayed too long.
I think you are very VERY wise to seek counseling with someone that deals with addiction, and give yourself a pat on the back for being open with the kids. In my home growing up (with no problem drinking BTW) EVERYTHING bad, shameful, negative or embarrassing was held secret as much as possible. The damage from that lingers today.
This place will help. Alanon or CODA meetings will help. The helpful readings sticky will give you a lifetime worth of reading that'll change your life. Most of us showed up here in pretty rough shape. Think about how strong you've had to be through the situations that led you here. We KNOW how much pain it takes to land here in SR...and we're here to support you even if it sounds like you're being challenged at times.
You don't need to clarify the 'net positive' bit. We've ALL been there, and many of us still are. We ALL do this on our own timeline, and no one else's. We all have different backgrounds, circumstances, and extended friends / family situations.
Despite our differences and uniqueness - the situations often begin the same. The realizations hit us in similar fashions. The changes and patterns in the alcoholic are consistent. And, if we seek help for ourselves, the changes in US are pretty consistent. For those of us that left, I could guess we're pretty unified in feeling that we stayed too long.
I think you are very VERY wise to seek counseling with someone that deals with addiction, and give yourself a pat on the back for being open with the kids. In my home growing up (with no problem drinking BTW) EVERYTHING bad, shameful, negative or embarrassing was held secret as much as possible. The damage from that lingers today.
This place will help. Alanon or CODA meetings will help. The helpful readings sticky will give you a lifetime worth of reading that'll change your life. Most of us showed up here in pretty rough shape. Think about how strong you've had to be through the situations that led you here. We KNOW how much pain it takes to land here in SR...and we're here to support you even if it sounds like you're being challenged at times.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You can say, "Hey kids, I'm going to an Al Anon meeting and there's an Alateen meeting at the same time. Afterward we can get some pie and hot chocolate."
I grew up in an alcoholic home. You're basically all hostage to his choice to drink and his mood swings. It's good that you're being honest with the boys, and Al Anon and Alateen can teach you and your family the coping skills you will need since you're choosing to stay for now.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. You're basically all hostage to his choice to drink and his mood swings. It's good that you're being honest with the boys, and Al Anon and Alateen can teach you and your family the coping skills you will need since you're choosing to stay for now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
My dad was an opiate user. It never got terrible but it also wasn't good. It left an emotional void. He wasn't present even though he was a decent father. It's hard to explain how kids internalize their feelings, but we know we don't have that parent fully, and it's traumatic. My mother wasn't all that supportive either so I was pretty lonely. Something that stands out is that your kids are already care taking. They know when dad has had too much. That makes me so sad because I hated feeling like I was the most responsible person in my house at 10 years old. They should not be worrying like that. It sounds minor but I just got emotional thinking about those times 20 years later. My advice would be as some other have said is to validate their feelings. They need to hear that this behavior is not acceptable. They need to feel less alone. Honestly I think I'd have a better relationship with my mom if she would have held my dad responsible for his behavior. I understand you don't want to leave, but you may have to acknowledge some resentment in the future.
Another big thing is safety. My dad was extremely emotionally unstable. I walked on egg shells constantly. When your husband yells or gets volatile you need to get them out of there. I'm totally conflict avoidant from dealing with his mood swings and anger.
Another big thing is safety. My dad was extremely emotionally unstable. I walked on egg shells constantly. When your husband yells or gets volatile you need to get them out of there. I'm totally conflict avoidant from dealing with his mood swings and anger.
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