getright15

Hello everyone,

I'm still trucking along and almost 6 months sober. Life has been a whole lot better since I decided to live sober. Most of it good, and of course some of it not so good as we all know how life goes. Since being sober I've performed so well on my job that I was promoted and pay raise beyond what I thought. I'm less angry and trying to be more understanding. I'm a work in progress for sure as I take a step each day in bettering my life and my families.

That being said....how do you guys deal with your issues being brought up from the past? They say time heals...sometimes I don't know about that. I know we addicts want instant gratification and I really try not to be that way. Its obvious I've made some positive changes in my life and personality. I'm more patient with the kids, patient with people in general, less anxiety and basically just trying to live one day at a time. I'm aware that we warp our families and our wives as the book says. I turned a trusting beautiful woman into a non-trusting, wondering where I'm at all the time, questioning person. I did that. I can't blame her for feeling the way she does. Pretty much I get constant jabs usually daily sometimes more than others about my past. Its really frustrating at times but I get it. Tonight for example really did get to me. So I asked my stepson where something was and he told me that his friend used it this morning. I said please dont let him in our room and I dont want him using my stuff. I only noticed it was gone because what I was looking for was in his room. I was calm and chill about it. I came back downstairs and my wife asked me if I found it, I said yes and told her what happened. She goes " I think hes blaming it on his friend because he doesnt want you to yell at him if he used it" I said, "what...I didnt yell at him and if I did do so this case wouldve been the perfect time as I dont even like that kid who comes over but I didnt I remained calm".

My point is why does the narrative have to change to that? He said his friend did and I left it at that. Do I have to be reminded each and every single day how bad of a person I was? Conversations begin with "before" or "you were" and "last time". Can we please move the F on with our lives? I keep trying to move forward and I seem to be the only one in that state of mind. Im not saying to forget it, but do I need to hear about it as if I wasnt there before? So it kinda got into an argument as to really why cant I take it for face value of what he told me, and not make it something that might not even be true? She told me what I shouldve said instead...really? I really feel like sometimes I try to hard for nothing because I really dont want to keep getting told of how I used to be when I'm trying to change my life for the better.

Dee74

hi gettright

I wasn't in that family type set up but generally the more I changed the more people picked up on that change.

I got a little more confident and serene in myself too, and the less I felt the need to explain myself too.

Sometimes it wasn't as quick as I'd like but it did happen

who knows today it may have really been your sons friend...but either way - if whatever it is is valuable to you, I'd move it from where it is and maybe even lock it up?

D

Treerat66

Hi getright,

As you said time heals, the question then is how much is required?
Keep walking the walk.

LBrain

just keep doing what you are doing now... 6 months is hardly a long time in the grand scheme of things... I left 30 years of 'memories' in my wake.
The old saying that time heals all wounds... it does (usually), but time is relevant, we hurt those closest to us and it stings them more than others... be patient with them, I'm sure they endured much and had patience for you...

Getting sober and expecting all of our 'mistakes' to go away is a very common trait among alcoholics/addicts. It is not like flipping a switch as many of us have discovered. 6 months is not a long enough time for others to get over it sometimes...

I'm sure you also noticed some positive changes in your relationships. Focus on those... and be thankful they are still there. I've lost many...

LadyBlue0527

Hi getright, I think you're doing AA? Have you done the 4th step writing yet with the turnarounds?

Children don't forget things easily. Especially the person that you used to be, it takes a long time for a child that's been hurt to trust again. So, with that being said think of the things that your child went through while you were drinking. It was pretty bad, wasn't it? Although the person you are now wouldn't yell, visualize in your mind what would have happened if you were still drinking. So, although what your wife said stings, it's the truth. You have to try to own that and keep doing the good work that you're doing. Eventually that trust will return, but in their own time and we can't force it no matter how much we want forgiveness and resolution right away.

Another tactic I've used after doing a turnaround is giving those feelings to my higher power. The things I have no control over. If I find myself in the same predicament I stop close my eyes, take a breath and say to my higher power "Please, take this from me". Practiced enough this actually works. I'll go on with what I'm doing and all of a sudden realize this is exactly what happened. I stopped thinking about it.

All of the above has produced far more serenity in life for me and, has freed me up to work on myself rather than focusing on other people's issues which I can't control or do anything about. Trust and resolution will come in time.

I hope this helps.

Notimetoloose

It takes as long as it takes but at some point you will have so much time under your belt those that are still bringing up the past will sound ridiculous.
Trust is a hard one to put a time on, little resentments can build up along with the loss of trust; trust will come by what we do.
The resentments will probably need to be talked about and worked through at some time, otherwise, they have the potential to pollute our thinking.
Congratulations on 6 months.

Maudcat

Congratulations on 6 months, getright15. That is great! Keep working your program and stay sober today. Fear and anger feelings can take a while to get past. I am not a huge fan of counselling. Tried it but never found the right counsellor for me. But I know some people who have been helped by it. Depends on the therapist. Have you and your family considered familycounselling? Sometimes it helps everyone find clarity.

tomsteve

getright, this is just my opinion, but im reading a wee bit of selfish,self centeredness here. you admit you used to yell and scream. that damaged your son. now you just want it gone and not brought up how you used to be. easy for you, but not for those living with a raging alcoholic/addict. put yourself in your sons' shoes and try and see how he may be feeling.

im going to guess the book you refer to is either AA or NA's book. which would tell me youre working steps. if you haven't done the 9th yet, you will. making amends is something that isn't just a 1 time deal in certain circumstances, mainly with family. theres living amends- showing each day we are working to get further away from who we were.

yes, you used to be that way. now youre working at getting away from that man. you should be proud of that.
HOWEVER, when the past is brought up and you get bothered, the problem is within you, not the other people. and like i said i read a wee bit of selfish, self-centeredness. maybe some other defects there,too.
something im thinkin you should do is cut out the middleman and have a conversation with your son about it.

FreeOwl

A lot of times, my Dad likes to bring up crap from the past that he somehow finds humorous to rehash - but I just find hurtful.

I've debated having a conversation with him to share how it makes me feel.... but I've also come to a conclusion that he probably won't get it.

So, my approach has been to just own it and work on ME with it. When Dad brings crap up, I try to just flow past it. I try to realize that those things DID happen, and to be grateful they're behind me. I try to remind myself that my Dad has some growing to do himself, and that part of his bringing this stuff up is his own stuckness in his wounds. It's not really about ME - it's about HIM.

I'm not that person anymore and I have come to a point that I don't really feel like I need him or anyone else to validate that I'm not that person. Sure, it still sometimes bugs me.... but then I process it and move on. I'm good with who I am, and I can recognize that the person of the past isn't the person of now. If I need to, I can bring that up.... "the person of my past isn't the person I am now", smile, and move on.... but mostly I just dismiss those comments and remind myself that I don't need to own my Dad's - or anyone else's - issues.

Ooona

We get sick ( emotionally and at times also pysically) when we live with addiction for a long period of time. Just because our addict/alcoholic loved one gets sober, doesnt mean our illness just goes away, like poof. Your wife and children are most assuredly in need of some sort of recovery program to help them to heal from the past. Maybe you all could get into some family counseling and/or your family could attend Alateen/Alanon/Naranon ?
I was codependent way before I myself became an alcoholic. I used alcohol to cope with my emotional sicknesses, obviously not the best way or healthiest way to cope.
Try to be patient and understanding and realize that your whole family is in need of healing, be supportive of that.

EndGameNYC

Time heals, but not everything, and not according to our schedules. I learned that trust is the first thing we lose and the last thing we get back. Even then, most people remain somewhat guarded as a means of protecting themselves.

Relative to the time you were drinking, and all the damage that you may have done, your sober time isn't compelling enough for people to just "move on."

A friend of mine invited his daughter to his first anniversary. She declined and did the same thing until he had five years. When the people we hurt hear things from us about getting past all that we did while we were drinking, they often feel as though we're minimizing the damage and the responsibility we bear for having done it. Just as invisible to us now as when we were drinking. I think most of us need to do some serious work to get through this.

As long as we continue to tie our sobriety and our self-esteem to other people's thoughts and feelings about us, it becomes extremely difficult for us to make meaningful progress.

August252015

^^^ Ditto, ditto, and ditto.

You gotta do you. Actions, not intentions, as AA says. You cannot control them- even whether your wife chooses to go to AlAnon or does other work on herself (I cannot remember exactly, but I think I mentioned something like this in a response to you awhile back, maybe when you were around 4mo) or how your son/kids react.

Juuuust a few minutes ago I had a conversation with my Dad that I KNOW had a lot of emotion coming from "the past" tangled up with the specific present issue. I could only (try my best) to address my part, and the now. It's tough and it was not a good conversation.

Keep going. Cede any sense of "control" or expectations- really, what this is about, what you want and expect from your family- and keep doing the right stuff. Whatever happens, that is your sober job now and always.

thomas11

Hi getitright, first, congratulations on 6 months. I will share with you my "story", many years ago I was involved with some serious stuff, substance abuse was just a fraction of it. I knew I needed to change my life or there would be serious consequences, I did and it took 3+ years for things to start returning to normal. Its only been 6 months, give it time, it will fade, I can assure you of that. For those who can't let it go, remove them from your social circle.

ScottFromWI

This is very sage advice. While things have improved vastly over my years of sobriety, some of the damage I did to the relationship with my wife is probably irreparable. That's not to say that we cannot live a great life together, but I am who I am and some of the things I did ( or didn't do ) for decades will never be 100% erased from the memories of those around me.

Try and think of things from the perspective of those who's motives you question. It's not like Monopoly where you can obtain a "Get out of jail free" card unfortunately.

EndGameNYC

It's been about fourteen hours, getright, since you started this thread, and I'm wondering why you haven't responded to any of the replies to your OP. Maybe you're just busy. It may seem that you're getting a lot of criticism in response to what you describe, and no one likes that. It helped me when I started taking "suggestions" as information rather than as a personal assault. Especially, as is true here, when no one's interested in knocking you down.

When we're hurt, especially when the hurt and the accompanying breach of trust occurs more or less regularly over time, all we remember is the pain. We can't burn that pain out of ourselves or anyone else. It never goes away on its own, we cannot force ourselves not to think about it, and it's virtually impossible to let it go entirely. We're only setting ourselves up for very serious problems down the line when we force all that pain to go underground, as though it never happened. People who pretend that things are otherwise, that "everything is okay," are only complying with some internal or external demand or pressure that we maintain the facade. And they're not only hurting themselves.

For the purpose of context, I decided long before I got sober, during my relapse, that it would be best for everyone involved if I just took responsibility for everything I did, and for the ripple effect my behavior had on everyone around me, which I managed to knock down to almost no one. I wasn't playing make-believe, but instead surrendering to the reality of my situation. And I managed to take that attitude into sobriety as well, a means of making progress, a way to heal. There'd just be too much craziness and crazy thinking involved in defending myself after the fact ("I didn't mean it! I was drunk!"), pulling up other people in terms of their part in all the insanity I created ("What about all that stuff you did?!"), and questioning their motives when they weren't in lock-step with me in my recovery ("You're always putting me down! What's wrong with you?!"). It didn't matter that it was so clear (to me) that I was working on making myself a better person.

We never only hurt ourselves. And we need to have the same compassion for those we've hurt that we demand from them.

I've seen folks here use exactly that kind of manipulation after putting down the drink, and many who dismiss making amends as anything other than therapeutic since, in their words, "all it does is dredge up the past." They need to look up the meaning of the word 'dredge'. No. What making amends does is to help everyone involved get past my past, what I did, which is not the same as forgetting what happened. A past that I created and that nobody wanted in their lives, and had very little to say about it. ("I told you! I don't wanna talk about it!")

I've made direct amends, and I've made indirect amends by being a better person for myself and for those who depend on me to be a responsive and responsible adult. And there are likely millions of other people who've done the same thing. Maybe all of us are wrong. Or just plain stupid. People who think there is a better, easier way are kidding themselves. Life just doesn't work that way. We cannot make up for what we did completely, cannot unhurt someone, but we certainly can't set things right by rushing people to a place of acceptance around our drinking and our alcoholic behavior.

notgonnastoptry

Your post really resonated with me. I could have written much of the same about my husband. Now, I won't say he was always super loving, etc., but he was the epitome of patient with the whole of it. But, he grew very bitter. At the same time, a lot of his behaviors (very selfish, emotionally) drove me to drink, something he considers an absolute moral failing on my part. He has not ounce ounce of sympathy for any of it. I've been sober for 4 months. I was released from the hospital four months ago today. I don't even bring up the "before" if I can help it and I don't bring up anniversaries of being clean, either. He gets this really, really mean look of disgust on his face--oddly, one I have never seen at any other time. It's not a celebratory occasion for him. Instead, he conceives it as the default of what "should be", not a milestone.

Aside from that--yes, I did do irrevocable damage to the relationship which would be over if our life weren't so complicated. Three children, careers in different places, one base, etc. Our relationship has really changed. He wanted to divorce me while I was in the hospital and said as much on the way home (he so sweet and patient--he couldn't even wait a few days). We did not divorce and we are doing well. I won't say we are doing great. We don't fight much anymore and things are calm, but it's taking a lot longer to rebuild and at times I'm resigned to him feeling angry for a long time. I brought it up in July and he said he still was not over it (he wasn't pouting--I drew it out of him). Since then, I've not asked again. In some ways, I don't care. During the last stages, when he'd take off, I'd beg and stuff. And, when I got home, I was deathly afraid of losing him. The other time when he pulled one of his "I'm leaving the house [we had gotten in the only major fight since the hospital]" I simply let him leave, didn't beg, and texted him and said things are not how they used to be. I'm no longer this sad, begging woman. I don't want to lose the relationship, but I won't be summarily punished for sins I've tried my best to erase. Everything cannot continue to come back to my egregious past. I won't have it.

I do remember, however, much fonder days when he was crazy about me. He used to tell me he loved me so much it hurt. Now I feel like we are these bitter, jaded old people (and we aren't that old). I don't know that there's anything I can really do to repair things. But, I'm not walking on eggshells anymore. I refuse.

I don't know that this helped, but I'm there, in many ways, with you.

EndGameNYC

Yeah, well, we don't deserve to be treated like doormats either. It's not about who's more hurt or who's more angry, but about finding a way to work through all the rubble without killing each other. Your husband's apparent insistence around not talking about the process or being supportive in any obvious way seems to be killing him more than it's killing you. I hope he figures that out before it's too late.

getright15

So what is gained by constantly reliving the past over and over? Do I need to be reminded everyday about how I used to be as if I don't remember? It actually doesn't bother me about the reaction as I like to get other peoples views on things. I'm trying to move forward with my life with our lives as a family. I don't expect things to be forgotten overnight. I'm fully aware that things will take time and the amount of time that is I have no idea. I'm willing to endure it. My sponsor told me recently..."you dont have to like it, but you do have to accept it". I think its ok for me not to like something that is going on.

getright15

Yea, pretty busy day here in Vegas. A lot going on as I'm sure you know since the debate is in town. Anyhow this type of criticism doesn't bother me. I'm fine with it. Everyone's situation is different so I expect different reactions. As I said before nobody is expecting anyone to forget anything. Do I need it thrown in my face every single day? I really dont think I need it, but if that's what my wife feels she needs to do then so be it.

I've made my amends to each family member that's been affected by my drinking. I didnt ask for forgiveness. I was acknowledging my actions that affected them negatively. I will always be a work in progress. I'm taking a step each day one at a time. I've accepted my wrongs and the things I've done. Nobody said to hold the anger or fears and resentments inside to burn. I see my changes within me and how I used to be. My sponsor sees where I came from. For the people who have said 6 months is not that long. Really for a drunk like me its an eternity. Thats the longest Ive ever gone in my life. So I see it as an accomplishment for me. I dont expect how Ive hurt others to be forgotten anytime soon. I was simply asking how people deal when issues are brought up from your past constantly. I appreciate the different view points though.

Dee74

Hi getitright

I think the amends thing is more about us to be honest...it's not about receiving forgiveness or absolution, it's about making things right from our side...it's about letting go and moving on...

if you still have some residual resentments that's a very human thing...but it might mean you'll have to revisit the amends process again down the line?

D