2complicated

I'm 29 and really really struggling to date while remaining sober. It seems impossible everything revolves around alcohol and it's so awkward trying to talk to someone you just met without alcohol. This is what caused be to relapse last time too. Also with making friends. I feel like I am passing up so many friendships because I don't drink. It's hard enough for me to make friends, and every time I end up avoiding a situation where alcohol is around I wonder if I am just wasting my life and it would be better if I drank. How have other people dealt with this?

Dee74

I waited a long time til I thought about romance.

I needed to fix me up first.

The temptation was there to find someone to help me feel better but I'm glad I resisted.

The time I spent working on myself was so so worth it - made me a better romantic interest too

But if you really feel you're ready, you're not looking for someone to fix you, and that the ups and downs of a relationship won't drive you back to the bottle, I guess there's nothing I can say to stop you .

I was never a great dater but the places I met partners were a pretty good determinant of what the relationship would eventually tun out like.

Meet in pub or club and the likelihood is greater you'll find a drinker.

Can you think of places where alcohol is less likely to be - you're probably more likely to find non-drinkers there?

They really do exist - in significant numbers too

2complicated

So basically I should try to find a non-drinker you're saying? Is that what everyone does or do sober people date people that drink too?

Forward12

While to us alcoholics alcohol seems to run the world, to "normal" people, that isn't the case. There are a million date ideas you can do that don't revolve around alcohol, and most don't even think twice about having a great time in activities completely sober.
If you take the online dating route, there are filters to find people who don't drink as well.

Dee74

I thought you were looking for a non drinker to be honest...

but I've re-read this thread, and your other thread, and in my revised (and perhaps unpopular) opinion it would be best for you to maybe cool your heels a bit.

Not everyone drinks and you don't need to drink to ease anxiety, go on dates, or make friends.

I'm not saying it's necessarily easy to do those things sober, but it is very possible.

I needed to build 'sober muscles' first tho. I spent time on myself and my recovery and when I rejoined the world of dating parties and what have you I knew nothing or noone could sway me from staying sober.

If you're not sure you're at the point yet, I'd wait.

Nothing would be better if you drank. Go back and read your first posts if you need a reminder on that?

D

EndGameNYC

I'm biased. I think that if we want to date successfully, that if what we're looking for or trying to build is a solid, loving relationship, then we need to go into it with a great deal of self-awareness that comes from working on ourselves. Everything else is more or less a crap shoot, with the exception of when we have a history of bad or unfulfilling relationships and somehow convince ourselves that the only problem is that we haven't yet met the "right person."

If you're talking about dating for casual sex, then that's a different problem than is building a relationship. Unless I'm missing something, it seems to me that if we need booze in order to start any kind of relationship, even to just to go out on a date, then we're probably not ready to do it.

I've dated women who drink and women who don't drink while I've been sober. Whether or not things worked out well for me was largely up to me. And I don't think that feeling awkward while dating is a good reason to relapse. In fact, I can't think of a single good reason to relapse.

january161992

when i was new (29 also) my sponsor forbid me from being around drinking/ drugging in any way

i went to many clean and sober aa dances and had a great time

we are not a glum lot!

thomas11

I'm sure you've heard this before, but sobriety is much more than not drinking. I believe it is of utmost importance to take the necessary time to figure out who you are, your identity, what you stand for, where you want to go in life. As Dee mentioned, once you get fixed up from the inside out, then you can wonder out into the dating world.

FreeOwl

I've never really had to deal with this and I'm sure it's tough.... especially early in sobriety.

But I can testify to one thing; relationships based on sobriety are wonderful.

I have been in relationships that were mutually-infused with booze. I have been in relationships where I was a boozer and a user and the other really wasnt....

But nowadays - I'm in sobriety and my wife rarely drinks. If she does it will literally be ONE drink. But even that is so infrequently she may as well be a sober person altogether.

The result of a relationship between two sober people is so much deeper, more synchronous, present and caring..... It's pretty incredible.

For many many years - especially in my 20's - I really couldn't even begin to conceive of dating, relationships, intimacy without alcohol. And what a terrible shame..... what an awful testimony to what we consider "intimacy" that is; this need for altered states in order to be 'together'.

Hang in there. Make your sobriety your priority. I promise you that the depths of richness you will find if you focus on being your best sober you will astound you.

2complicated

I don't think I will ever be fixed. I have a lot of issues. Def trying to figure out who I am but I have a lot of anxiety and depression that I don't think are going away. I'm trying to fix my problems though. So that whole idea that I will probably relapse until I'm "better" wholistically is sort of depressing because I dont think i will ever get there.

2complicated

Yeah I need to build sober muscles, just not sure the best way to ease myself into it since alcohol seems to sort of be everywhere in social situations. I need to build muscles where I am jsut hanging out as friends, instead of doing a specific activity, because then I will be focused on the activity and not necessarily the social muscles. Anyways I dont think there is really an answer

entropy1964

Hey 2complicated

I do understand how you feel. I'm not sure how long you've been sober but try not to be too hard on yourself. Progress, not perfection.

If you're early in recovery why not focus on friendships more than romance. Better way to start things really. Maybe join Meetups that don't involve drinking. Get involved in some kind of group workout like boot camp (ugh....personally I'm a yogi but not lots of interaction in that one) or some other coed sport.

I dunno. I'm single and have no plans to change that anytime soon. I know what you mean, feeling broken. I'm hoping I'm just bent. I believe with a couple years of sober time, a solid program and some counseling I'll be at least better.

Give yourself some time!

2complicated

Thanks, it has been about 5 months

Dee74

I started small - picnics, movies, coffee 'dates' - thgings thatw ere socila but not reliant on alcohol.

I built up from there

D

entropy1964

5 months is great. For me, it's gonna be a couple years before I consider dating....I think

least

Don't rush it. Give yourself time to get used to the sober you and your new sober life. There are more people who don't drink, than people who do. We're just looking at the world thru drink-colored glasses, so it seems like it's everywhere.

OpioPhobe

Honestly I find it better to date sober. I haven't had a negative reaction yet when approaching women and saying that I don't drink. In fact, it is a good qualifier when I tell them that if they want to drink I am not going to hang out with them. The "normies" deal with so many of the same issues and this is common ground in my experience. Many of the ones I talk to nod there head in agreement when I say that I don't like the bar scenes and I don't like hanging with people that need alcohol to have a good time. The response I have gotten most often has been "me too". Before I actually went out and talked to new women I was expecting to hear something like "you don't drink....what a loser". After going through those experiences I realized that my fears about being judged for not drinking were all in my head.

As far as the anxiety goes, I actually like it now. It isn't anxiety to me any more it is excitement. I thought alcohol was helping me avoid the anxiety, but it was cutting me off from the excitement.

As far as relationships go, have you ever sat down and honestly asked yourself what you are looking for? For example, do you want a "relationship" or just sex? Do you have a sponsor or someone else you can speak with about it?

Delizadee

I find it better sober too. My head is on a little straighter so I'm looking at things a little more clearly.
If you're not ready, you're not ready though. I think mostly, you would know if you're at that point that you're ready. I agree with Opiophobe, have you considered what you really want?

I had some preconceived notions about telling someone I don't drink too, and I found once the topic got skimmed, simply saying I didn't drink was just fine and wasn't really questioned. I think I brought the topic around lightly and just said I found it better for me not to drink, and my date was admiring of that, had his two drinks and that was it. I think it made him think of his drinking a bit more, and now he has no problem not drinking around me.

As for the anxiety I think that is such a normal human thing in the dating game. And I think in early recovery, dating should be kept light. Take things slow.
I'm glad I'm not strictly sponsored under the "no dating for one year" rule, my sponsor sees my "dating" as a positive. I'm learning my boundaries, enforcing them, how to approach things in a healthy way. Not to just vomit all the gory details about my past onto his head the second date in. Admittedly I haven't done everything perfectly but who does?
I also could have just as easily waited another couple years to date.
Don't pressure yourself. Work on your sobriety. Treat that like a treasured relationship- one with yourself.

You don't need alcohol for anything. Period. Alcohol completely killed my social life, family life, and my relationship and my own self-worth. Don't kid yourself about it being some kind of wonderlube of love. It's not. Your true self sans alcohol is what you should be wanting to attract another person with. Sober muscles and self-worth and confidence are very attractive.

FreedomCA

For me, even if sober dating was impossible, my only other choice would be to drink, eventually get drunk, do something really stupid, and wish I was dead. I would rather be sober single with my puppy than out there drinking and doing crazy things.

Meraviglioso

It is really true that not everyone drinks and it is entirely possible to find someone while not drinking. But again, it sounds like a little more time for yourself would do you good.