Sephra

So, I am struggling to get over my fears.
My fear reaction has always been extremely over reactive. I have always had trouble feeling safe, even as a child.

So ss has been at our house for about 2 weeks now. And there are a variety of reasons that I don't feel safe.
Before the drug problem.... he can't lock doors. when he lived with us before many many times I would awaken to an unlocked front door. This triggers my ptsd (abusive bad marriage). As much as I tried to make him understand it continued to be a problem.
He set my house on fire. His bedroom caught on fire. He blamed it on his sleeping 4 year old at the time. I fully believe the fire was accidental, but still feel he is/was responsible.
Now the drugs... since he's been addicted, there has been violence and aggression (not to me), stealing, and other drug users around. A few nights ago, his sisters bf (also an addict) showed up in my driveway to pick a fight with him...etc. etc.
His father will never see his children as a threat to safety. But ss was 15 when I met him and already towered over me then, even with all the weight he's lost as an addict, he still has 100 lbs on me.
Husband minimizes my not feeling safe. I don't know what is out of whack and what isn't because I already know that my fear sensitivity is heightened.
Let me be clear, this kid has never so much as raised his voice at me, I'm not afraid that he is going to hit me, its more like the whole situation is not safe. Husband thinks that he has everything under control.
I started calling offices to find a new counselor. I think husband wants to give him a chance to get on his feet, get the drug problem under control, be steady, find work, a car, and move out. That is good and all. But he was not responsible BEFORE the drug problem. How long do I try to put my feelings of not being safe aside? To support him. How can I support him when I don't feel safe? I don't know if we are talking months, a year, years? How long do I sacrifice my self ?
I can't tell what is over reaction, what is stemming from anger , where I am flailing, etc.
ss was supposed to start orientation at a job today. I guess that fell through. Which just feels like another kick in the teeth. Another thing to push me over the edge. Was there even an orientation? I dont know.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like you're getting to the end of your rope.

Your feelings matter. . . maybe some small steps towards action
if situation doesn't change?

IHaveFaith2016

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering. Can you have a serious sit down with your husband and talk about all that you mentioned above? Then let him be the messenger with communicating that to his son. There needs to be an action plan in place with defined time and consequences, or this will get worse for you. It's no way to live. There needs to be compromise.

AnvilheadII

How long do I try to put my feelings of not being safe aside? To support him

why doensn't he put aside HIS problems so that you do feel safe?

see how one way it is? you feel you must sacrifice for others, but those others do not respect your feelings or your sacrifice. so that's a No Win.

it is concerning that your husband so willingly sets you off to the side in favor of his grown adult child. you have been honest and open about your concerns, your fears, your insecurity with him being in the home. and your husband hasn't shown a SHRED of concern or respect towards his wife.

you have the right to feel safe and secure in your own home and have a say in who you share that home with. you may need to consider alternatives...........

Alaskachick

Sephra: Fear isn't always a negative emotion. Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we didn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. Your fear sounds like a perfectly normal response from someone living with an addicted family member and the chaos they bring with them. Your husband doesn’t seem to understand that you have the right to feel comfortable and safe inside your own home.

I have read a few of your previous posts and it seems to me that you have had several honest discussions with your husband regarding your feelings about your stepson. It's not enough that your husband listens to what you're telling him, he has to actually care about what you're saying. His behavior indicates to me that he isn't concerned with what you think or feel about the situation, he's just going to do whatever he wants to do. This is not good for any marriage.

Please make sure to be kind to yourself and take care of your needs, especially since no one else appears to be doing that. (I'm sending you a virtual hug.)

Hechosedrugs

Until the pain of doing so is greater than the pain of not doing so? I don't know, you've been posting a while and it doesn't seem much has changed. Certainly your fears have not decreased, have increased, actually...

Funny, I've been trying to figure out how to keep addiction out of my life. I thought if any man wants to be in a serious relationship with me he's going to have to pass a serious vetting process, and that may very well include drug testing. At a facility! Yes, and I could trick him into it. Spur of the moment. Let's go out for ice cream- psych! It's a drug testing facility- so are you serious about me or not? Show me!

Oh, but there is so much more to it, as evidenced by your situation. I could find the greatest, most stable guy- but what if his kid's a mess?

I do feel for you. But it really does seem like this has been going on for so long, and your needs just keep getting pushed aside. It's not right. And you're sort of obsessing about it, because really, how could you not? You're in this chaos, and there's no end in sight.

And I know from your last posts that you have talked to your husband, but still... you're in the same place.

So it kind of sounds like your only choices are to accept that things will be like this or take action. I think you're waiting for your husband to do that, which he should. But it doesn't sound like he's going to.

Best of luck.

dandylion

Sephra.....from following your posts....I don't think that either of them are going to change before the melting of the Ice Cap.
If you want change...while you still have a shred of your wits left....you will have to be the agent of change.

You already know what he is going to do...
The question is, as always, what are YOU going to do?

Personally, if it were me (I know it is not), I would make an appointment with a lawyer and begin packing m y satchel.....
There comes a point where my mental health has to become a first priority....

Eauchiche

Your husband needs to know that his marriage is on the line. It might be appropriate for you to move out temporarily and suggest joint counseling if he wants to save his relationship with you.

The addiction does not even have to be part of the reason why the SS needs to leave. He is an emancipated adult. You and your husband need and deserve your privacy.

Sephra

I guess that I feel guilty. Dad wants him there and I don't. Dad truly believes that he is saving ss's life. And love and support is what he needs now. (If that were the case, there would be no addicts in the world)
I can't get over seeing it as him there is a threat to my safety, physically and emotionally.
In one of our last sit downs, Dad's stance is pretty much, begging me to trust him and let him help his kid. How do I say no to that? Things get twisted and its made out that I don't want to help, that I am HINDERING helping. But of course that's not what he meant...
He sees it as me not loving his kid enough. I see it as self protection.
He left me about a month ago, (gone about a week) came back saying that he wanted the happy home we had, we went to a counseling session, he says one thing there and does another when put on the spot. I went to the next session alone, but don't find the guy helpful at all. So yesterday I called around again to find someone else. Told him that he was welcome to come or not. Apparently though, the two of them are happy with the way things are, I am the one with the problem. I just don't know if I am digging my heels in and on the defensive, or justified in my feelings. I don't trust my feelings. That's not a good place to be.

Or maybe I know and trust MY feelings and that is why I am fighting it so hard.

biminiblue

Well, I mean, you are the one with the problem.

It's like a dirty house. The one who it bothers is the one who has to clean it.

Your feelings are valid. The two of you don't see eye-to-eye on a very large issue. So you either wait for it to get worse, hope for the best and support them, or leave.

Which one sounds like the one you want to do right now?

atalose

I don’t trust my feelings…………..

That’s kind of your husbands objective isn’t it, for you NOT to trust your own feelings. Replace what you feel with what he’d like you to feel and react accordingly. Maybe not consciously but he’s saying and doing what’s best for himself in dealing with this situation and discounting you and your feelings.

No one should ever have to live NOT feeling safe inside their own home.

Sephra

Unfortunately I don't want to do any.
If we separate it ends up equating to me kicking them both out of the home. The home is in my name, legally, I am the main breadwinner, everything is in my name, due to his bad credit. (We split costs 50/50 and have always considered it "ours".) They can not afford it with out me. I can afford it, with changes on my own if I have to. In trying to navigate the issue, I offered to leave while ss is there, and that wasn't an acceptable option to him either. During the last go round, when I firmly stated my case, regarding how uneasy I am with it all he turned it to that I saw him as a tenant and that it wasn't his home. Twisting twisting twisting.
He knows full well how I feel, as I've made it clear, but it is so at odds to how he feels, (His son just needs our love and support and he's the only one left to save him) He feels like I should feel safe because he believes he can keep me safe... circles circles.
There just doesn't seem like a resolution to this where we end up together. I'm betting he resents me. (I'm the monkey wrench in the situation that both feel is under control) I feel resentment building up in me, to his son for a variety of reasons, to him for not putting my safety/feelings first .
Should he put me before his son? Could I put someone else before my son if he were in "trouble". Even if it were his own choices? Or would I throw myself on the fire my son started to put it out? If it meant going down in flames and possibly saving my kid?
Is it totally incompatible due to his kids not being raised to be responsible? Can that be changed at mid 20s? (I know, I know, definitely can't be changed while still being bailed out) .
There just doesn't seem to be a "good" resolution.
And I hate all of it.

dandylion

Sephra.....I have always heard the saying "blood is thicker than water". And, for the most part, I have , over my life, seen this to be true.
In most situations...like divorce, etc....the family will side with their own, over the outsider. And, I believe that Mother Nature is responsible for this, in great part. Humans tend to live in groups..and, family serves to promote survival...thus the bonds between families...especially parent and child are the strongest bonds that there are.
To be fair, your husband has every right to stand by his son, if that is his decision. We are blessed with free will. Just as you are entitled to make your decisions...You are free to stay or go, as you decide.
He has made his choice to stay. Your SS has made h is choice, (and, happily, for him) to stay. They are bonded and they have made their choice, even with the conflict that it presents to you and your husband.

From where I sit--this is the thing--Your husband knows that you will not leave!
He knows that he is on safe ground...even though you are not happy with the decision....All he has to do is to grit his teeth and ignore your unhappiness.
As long as you don't leave, he gets what he wants most. You stay and his son stays.
You sound like you are not willing to leave, either...not even to make some space to clear your mind and settle down your emotions so that y ou can think more clearly.
So, you are all in a stand-off. And, I think that his son is going to be there for a l ong, long, time.
Thus, since you are unwilling to separate---it makes the most sense to try to make the best of the situation. Sometimes, it seems, that families get so stuck in their dysfunction that they are unable to break through it...even if they would be happier doing so.
I have seen some families in just the situation that you find yourself in....I have seen it more than once.

I still think it would be worth it for you to seek counseling or a support group, because you sound like you are very miserable, right now.

dandylion

Sephra...it is not that there aren't any options....it is that there are options that we don't like......

Hechosedrugs

Sounds to me like you are the tenant, not him... or his son, for that matter.

As for him resenting you, you better believe he does. And his son, too. People tend to bond most when they have a common enemy. Enemy? Sounds harsh, right? But that's what you've become. Not that you deserve the title, you don't. They should be very grateful to you. That's just not how things work.

It took me a long time to realize my AX literally HATED me. It was so hard to believe, after all I put up with. But looking back, it all makes sense. And I really do believe his and his mother's mutual hatred of me made them closer than ever. I remember wondering why he didn't stick up for me. Like one time she brought canned tuna over. It was in our cupboard for about a month and then I ended up using it to make tuna sandwiches. The kids ate them. No big deal, right? Well, one night I was in my room studying. She came over and wanted to make the kids tuna sandwiches. She asked where the tuna was. My husband knew where it was- I'd used it. But instead, I heard him say, "She threw it away." I heard her let out a big angry groan. Why would he do a thing like that? Because I'm what some call a "health nut" and his mom and I were always butting heads about her bringing junk food over. Now, I don't consider tuna junk food, but he saw this as an opportunity to foster the divide. So that she can go and complain to her friends about how I am so unreasonable that I won't even let my kids eat tuna. This is just one of many examples, and of course, one that I overheard- who knows what he did when I wasn't around.

Anyway, it was so sneaky the way he did it. So subtle, but effective.

Just thought I'd share.

Sephra

Thanks so much. all of you. for all your words.
There is so many true gems in what you say.
And the truth is , I need to hear it.
I am all of over the map and flailing. Thank you, just doesn't seem enough.