I need to break things off for good but don't know how
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
I need to break things off for good but don't know how
I have posted before recently about my XABF. Last week we had a disagreement and he left my house and just attempted to reach me early today. He's sent me a million texts, most of them don't even make sense. This happens frequently, we get in a fight, he eventually acts like nothing happened, shifts the blame or in this case apologized profusely and honestly I'm not even affected I just want this roller coaster to stop. I've tried breaking it off a few weeks ago and ended up giving in and staying even after making it very clear I was very confused. He drinks very heavily and takes random prescription pills regularly I'm assuming because he has symptoms of withdrawal every few days. The most difficult thing is dealing with his personality changes. He goes from telling me I'm a terrible person to pleading that I stay and spend the night with him and that he loves me and needs me. I already asked for some advice before but I think I just need some words of encouragement and examples of how to end things in the most peaceful way possible.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Angel,
We all can give you words of encouragement; and good for you for reaching out for support. I don't think you need our support, you have written it all above.
**We get in a fight, he eventually acts like nothing happened,
shifts the blame or in this case apologized profusely
drinks very heavily and takes random prescription pills regularly
most difficult thing is dealing with his personality changes.
When you put it down in black and white, it becomes a real. This is your current life with your boyfriend. You are recognizing this is not what you want in life. Work on yourself and let him take care of himself.
The only true way of ending things is by going no contact. Block his number, no texts, no emails no social media. Please let family and friends know that you do not want updates on his condition. If he does get through to you, do not engage, him. This is really the only way us codies, can move on in our lives. If for any reason you fear for your safety, please reach out to the police. If he is drinking heavily, he might do something really crazy if he can't get through to you.
Hugs my friend, keep posting if you need help, we are here for you.
We all can give you words of encouragement; and good for you for reaching out for support. I don't think you need our support, you have written it all above.
**We get in a fight, he eventually acts like nothing happened,
shifts the blame or in this case apologized profusely
drinks very heavily and takes random prescription pills regularly
most difficult thing is dealing with his personality changes.
When you put it down in black and white, it becomes a real. This is your current life with your boyfriend. You are recognizing this is not what you want in life. Work on yourself and let him take care of himself.
The only true way of ending things is by going no contact. Block his number, no texts, no emails no social media. Please let family and friends know that you do not want updates on his condition. If he does get through to you, do not engage, him. This is really the only way us codies, can move on in our lives. If for any reason you fear for your safety, please reach out to the police. If he is drinking heavily, he might do something really crazy if he can't get through to you.
Hugs my friend, keep posting if you need help, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 45
Hello angel16. I totally understand how you're feeling, because I am feeling the same way! I am married to my ah, so I am in the same house. I am searching for the same peaceful way out too, but it isn't easy! I DO love him, but I agree with you about the personality changes...it is confusing, maddening and lonely! They say they need us and are sorry, but they can also say such hurtful things. To me, for the alcoholic it is ALWAYS going to be about them...they have no room in their dependency to think about or consider anyone else; it is this selfishness that always makes the spouse feel despondent, powerless and miserable! I don't have the answer because I am searching for it myself...hopefully time or your gut feeling will help you make your decision. As other friends on this forum have said before, there is help out there, and you must decide what is best for you in your own time. Good luck with it all...sending you kind thoughts x
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, the good news is apparently you don't live together, own property or have debt together, and no kids. So really, it's just a matter of telling him that you are DONE. You wish him well, no hard feelings, but you really are done, and it's over.
Tell him that you need your space, and do not want to hear from him again. Tell him that any texts, calls, or emails will be blocked, and if he comes around or manages to contact you anyway, you will reluctantly have to seek an order of protection.
And then do exactly what you said you would do. Breaking off contact completely is the only way to heal and to ensure he won't be "working you" to reel you back in.
If you've made up your mind, that would be MY recommendation.
Tell him that you need your space, and do not want to hear from him again. Tell him that any texts, calls, or emails will be blocked, and if he comes around or manages to contact you anyway, you will reluctantly have to seek an order of protection.
And then do exactly what you said you would do. Breaking off contact completely is the only way to heal and to ensure he won't be "working you" to reel you back in.
If you've made up your mind, that would be MY recommendation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hard core addicts spend much time consuming their substance, recovering from the consumption of the substance and seeking out the substance again. Meanwhile, your needs are neglected. I am sorry for what you're going through.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Angel, you know what you have to do, you're just building up to it.
It can be hard, but if you think about the fact that he's not actually stopped the drinking and the pills, therefore making no more effort than calling you and begging, you can see he doesn't care enough commit himself to sobriety.
There are so many sober men out there who are worthy of you. Face up to the short term difficulty and make a clean cut.
It can be hard, but if you think about the fact that he's not actually stopped the drinking and the pills, therefore making no more effort than calling you and begging, you can see he doesn't care enough commit himself to sobriety.
There are so many sober men out there who are worthy of you. Face up to the short term difficulty and make a clean cut.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
The only time I broke up with a boyfriend (vs. their breaking up with me), I felt like a bit of a meany. It was awful, and I did not do it with a lot of grace, I'm afraid. I will always regret how I handled it.
I think how a breakup is handled can be similar to how you remove a bandaid. Do you rip if off quickly in one swift movement so that pain is sharp but over quickly, or do you peel it off a bit at a time, hoping it won't hurt as much but prolonging the pain? I'm afraid with the one breakup I initiated, I chose the latter. We had contact here and there for several months after the official "breakup", and it just made it that much worse, and it was very confusing and much harder for him. For that, I will always be sorry.
I will certainly never tell you how to handle the end of this relationship if that is what you definitely want. I can only share my one experience and hope that it will go much more smoothly for you. Perhaps, if you are ready for that step, it would help you if you block his number?
Hang in there! S
I think how a breakup is handled can be similar to how you remove a bandaid. Do you rip if off quickly in one swift movement so that pain is sharp but over quickly, or do you peel it off a bit at a time, hoping it won't hurt as much but prolonging the pain? I'm afraid with the one breakup I initiated, I chose the latter. We had contact here and there for several months after the official "breakup", and it just made it that much worse, and it was very confusing and much harder for him. For that, I will always be sorry.
I will certainly never tell you how to handle the end of this relationship if that is what you definitely want. I can only share my one experience and hope that it will go much more smoothly for you. Perhaps, if you are ready for that step, it would help you if you block his number?
Hang in there! S
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I don't think "letting someone down easy" really makes it any easier for either party. Here's another thing to think about--this has been coming for a while. It can hardly be a complete shock, even if he acts like it is.
Expect him to be angry, sad, tearful in an attempt to change your mind. If you mentally prepare for those tactics it will be easier for you to resist them. Keep telling yourself that regardless of what he SAYS, he will survive and move on. If he sees that his guilt trips are working he'll turn up the volume.
One other tip: don't insist out loud or even in your own mind that he has to accept or agree with your decision, or with your reasons. I wouldn't spend a lot of time explaining yourself. Your words will be twisted and thrown back at you, or he'll start aiming accusations at you about what YOU have done that he doesn't like. Mentally prepare yourself for that, too. Practice saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Keep the end goal (breaking up) in mind, and don't get derailed from your message that it's OVER.
Expect him to be angry, sad, tearful in an attempt to change your mind. If you mentally prepare for those tactics it will be easier for you to resist them. Keep telling yourself that regardless of what he SAYS, he will survive and move on. If he sees that his guilt trips are working he'll turn up the volume.
One other tip: don't insist out loud or even in your own mind that he has to accept or agree with your decision, or with your reasons. I wouldn't spend a lot of time explaining yourself. Your words will be twisted and thrown back at you, or he'll start aiming accusations at you about what YOU have done that he doesn't like. Mentally prepare yourself for that, too. Practice saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Keep the end goal (breaking up) in mind, and don't get derailed from your message that it's OVER.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Angel....I think Lesie's idea had merit....about preparing for his "tactics"...and not expecting him to agree with you!
I would add to that, that you should keep it direct and fairly short.
You don't have to be mean or insensitive.
Use "I" statements...not "You" statements, as much as possible.
For example:
"I cannot live with alcoholism in my life, any longer". "I will not live with demeaning insults, because I don't deserve that". " I don't want that". "I deserve a relationship that doesn't hurt". "I am moving on with my l ife".
If he throws the zinger that stumps most people...."don't you love me?".....Tell him the truth....whatever that is....
If you don't....tell him so...put the cards on the table.....
You might say..."I was in l ove., but, it has been eroded". "I care about you, but I can't love someone who hurts me--and, I have been very damaged, in this relationship".
If you answer is "Yes"....You might say "In l ife, we don't always get to keep the people we have loved". "I will do my caring and love from a distance".
"It is high time that I grow up and face the facts". "I have to take care of myself, in this life, because there is no one else that will".
These are just possible suggestions.....
**I will give you an example of how I "broke up" with my first husband---the father of my three young children....
I said....after he told me that he "didn't have time to discuss our marriage" (I had asked him to do so);
I simply said..."I am going to see a lawyer, tomorrow--to file for a divorce".
And, I did just that.
I would add to that, that you should keep it direct and fairly short.
You don't have to be mean or insensitive.
Use "I" statements...not "You" statements, as much as possible.
For example:
"I cannot live with alcoholism in my life, any longer". "I will not live with demeaning insults, because I don't deserve that". " I don't want that". "I deserve a relationship that doesn't hurt". "I am moving on with my l ife".
If he throws the zinger that stumps most people...."don't you love me?".....Tell him the truth....whatever that is....
If you don't....tell him so...put the cards on the table.....
You might say..."I was in l ove., but, it has been eroded". "I care about you, but I can't love someone who hurts me--and, I have been very damaged, in this relationship".
If you answer is "Yes"....You might say "In l ife, we don't always get to keep the people we have loved". "I will do my caring and love from a distance".
"It is high time that I grow up and face the facts". "I have to take care of myself, in this life, because there is no one else that will".
These are just possible suggestions.....
**I will give you an example of how I "broke up" with my first husband---the father of my three young children....
I said....after he told me that he "didn't have time to discuss our marriage" (I had asked him to do so);
I simply said..."I am going to see a lawyer, tomorrow--to file for a divorce".
And, I did just that.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Angel.....just one more thought...lol....
I think you might be doing the very human thing of wanting a way to "make it easy" to end the relationship.
It can feel just as bad to be the "rejecter" as it is to be the one "rejected".
We feel mean and cruel, if we think that we are causing pain to another person. so, naturally, we look for a way to "make it easy".....
The thing is...that there isn't an easy way to do it. There is no completely easy way out. There will be pain...no doubt about it. No way around it.
But, if you care about your own welfare...I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
I think you might be doing the very human thing of wanting a way to "make it easy" to end the relationship.
It can feel just as bad to be the "rejecter" as it is to be the one "rejected".
We feel mean and cruel, if we think that we are causing pain to another person. so, naturally, we look for a way to "make it easy".....
The thing is...that there isn't an easy way to do it. There is no completely easy way out. There will be pain...no doubt about it. No way around it.
But, if you care about your own welfare...I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I already asked for some advice before but I think I just need some words of encouragement and examples of how to end things in the most peaceful way possible
This is the time where your boundaries MUST be strong and you need to be willing to stick to them.
The best way to break up with someone who is clearly not in their right mind is to just block them from contacting you. As it is, he hadn’t contacted you since last week and when he did his messages were not clear, because you are not dealing with someone with a clear mind.
Let your actions speak not your words.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Originally Posted by Angel16 
He goes from telling me I'm a terrible person to pleading that I stay and spend the night with him and that he loves me and needs me.
Anyway, you have really, really helped me today by posting that, even though that wasn't your intention. I am so glad you shared what you're going through. You are 100% not alone in this.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
I honestly think that if the next man that tells me he " needs me " I'm gonna lose it. God, I hate that!
Anyway, please listen to the advise from the ladies above. If you truly are ready to move on from this relationship the only way to do so Is no contact, none, zilch, nada. Whether you want to tell him you'll be doing that, I don't really see why you need to. If you are at the point where you want to leave well, what does it matter. If he tries to reach out, he tries to reach out, either way no contact means you won't be answering. Myself, I found it easier just to block him on everything. Phone, email, social media. This way I wasn't expecting his call or text because he couldn't get through even if he tried so I had less anxiety. I didn't keep in contact with any of his friends or family either. Nothing! I was done. There was nothing left to be said. I made it clear I was leaving if he continued drinking and he continued drinking so really who dumped who. Doesn't matter. Peace & Harmony is the ticket and the only way to achieve that is by no contact.
Good luck!
Anyway, please listen to the advise from the ladies above. If you truly are ready to move on from this relationship the only way to do so Is no contact, none, zilch, nada. Whether you want to tell him you'll be doing that, I don't really see why you need to. If you are at the point where you want to leave well, what does it matter. If he tries to reach out, he tries to reach out, either way no contact means you won't be answering. Myself, I found it easier just to block him on everything. Phone, email, social media. This way I wasn't expecting his call or text because he couldn't get through even if he tried so I had less anxiety. I didn't keep in contact with any of his friends or family either. Nothing! I was done. There was nothing left to be said. I made it clear I was leaving if he continued drinking and he continued drinking so really who dumped who. Doesn't matter. Peace & Harmony is the ticket and the only way to achieve that is by no contact.
Good luck!
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