Parent estrangement because of fiance

Old 10-16-2016, 07:34 AM
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Parent estrangement because of fiance

Hello everyone!

I am new to this blog and I wanted to join up to get further insight about the possibilities that could arise in my marriage.

I fell in love with someone in recovery (alcohol and drugs) and I am not. I've never done a drug and I've never been much of a drinker so naturally, I feel very comfortable with someone who does not do these things either.

My fiancé is so caring, strong, and active in AA. He helps many others and has no desire to drink or pick up again. I'm a smoker and he won't even smoke a cigarette, although I am smoking around him. He's only had the urge once around me and he had to walk away for a minute. He is always there for me when I need him
most and talks through any disagreement we may have. I admire him.

But My parents have chosen to not talk to me anymore because I plan on marrying him. He truly is a wonderful man and I love him with all of my heart. My family does not approve because he is in recovery and because he is renting the house that we live in. My parents refuse to acknowledge that we will be getting married and whenever I was around them in the past, they never asked about my relationship or if I was even happy. It hurts so much.

He comes from a large family that is very nice and practices forgiveness. My family consists of just my dad, mum, and sister - there are more extended family members but my parents stopped talking to them over ten years ago for reasons I don't quite know because I was young when this all happened.

I wake up every day feeling like ****. I just want them to see this man for who he is. He is a man that loves me, supports me dreams, and brings me serenity. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him and start a family with him. But as far as the wedding goes, I'm not even excited because I want my family to be there. I don't even want to get married at this point because it upsets me that my family won't be a part of it. I love them unconditionally but this is hurting my heart too much. They refuse to get to know him or his parents. I don't understand. I just want everyone to get along and I want them to let their guard down and be willing to open their hearts.

Please, any and all advice would help. I don't want to lose my parents and I don't want to lose my fiancé. I just want the fighting on my parents end to stop.
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Old 10-16-2016, 07:55 AM
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Hi, and welcome.

I don't know your history or your fiance's history, so I can't say whether your parents' opposition to your marriage is based on something other than the fact that he is in recovery for alcoholism. I don't know whether he might have done terrible things to you when he was drinking. I don't know how long he's been sober.

That said, I married my first husband when he was one year sober. He had wrecked my car driving drunk without a license. Today, he's been sober for 36 years. He's a great dad, and in spite of our divorce he and I remain good friends. I often say (only partially joking) that my family thinks more highly of him than they do me.

I know many, many people who are alcoholics (I'm eight years sober, myself--my alcoholism developed a bit later in life), and I know many who have stayed sober for years/decades, and some who have stayed sober for a very long time and have gone back to drinking. There are never any guarantees.

The bottom line, though, is that you must do what is right for you, and you can't control your parents' attitude toward him, or the marriage. I'd suggest that you carefully consider what their concerns are, though. And if he's very newly sober, maybe wait a bit until he's been sober for at least a year. And if there's actual abuse in your history, keep in mind that alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues--putting down the drink will not necessarily alleviate the risk to you.

Have you educated yourself about alcoholism? If not, you should definitely do that before making a lifetime commitment.
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Old 10-16-2016, 08:31 AM
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There are no details here that give us clues.

I don't know how long the two of you dated before becoming engaged. If it was quick, that might be cause for concern. He may not have been in recovery long. As I understand it, those in recovery ( in AA, anyway) are strongly discouraged from entering into new relationships when they are newly sober. This could be a concern for them, even if they aren't aware of the guidelines in AA.

Renting as opposed to buying, that bothers them? I don't know why, other than maybe they think he may move and take you with him. Is his job stable? For how long? You might tell your parents that buying doesn't always turn out better than renting. Your parents may have fared okay, but many people were encouraged to buy houses when they couldn't actually afford them, and ended up worse than before.

An acquaintance of mine married a man in recovery, but they had a long courtship. She insisted he be sober for a specific length of time before they began planning a wedding.
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Old 10-16-2016, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Hi, and welcome.

I don't know your history or your fiance's history, so I can't say whether your parents' opposition to your marriage is based on something other than the fact that he is in recovery for alcoholism. I don't know whether he might have done terrible things to you when he was drinking. I don't know how long he's been sober.

That said, I married my first husband when he was one year sober. He had wrecked my car driving drunk without a license. Today, he's been sober for 36 years. He's a great dad, and in spite of our divorce he and I remain good friends. I often say (only partially joking) that my family thinks more highly of him than they do me.

I know many, many people who are alcoholics (I'm eight years sober, myself--my alcoholism developed a bit later in life), and I know many who have stayed sober for years/decades, and some who have stayed sober for a very long time and have gone back to drinking. There are never any guarantees.

The bottom line, though, is that you must do what is right for you, and you can't control your parents' attitude toward him, or the marriage. I'd suggest that you carefully consider what their concerns are, though. And if he's very newly sober, maybe wait a bit until he's been sober for at least a year. And if there's actual abuse in your history, keep in mind that alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues--putting down the drink will not necessarily alleviate the risk to you.

Have you educated yourself about alcoholism? If not, you should definitely do that before making a lifetime commitment.

Thank you for your response. Has been sober for 3 years and I have known him for 2 of those years. When he was drinking, he was able to hold a job and obtain a degree, and live out on his own. but when the drugs came into play, that is when he knew he needed to clean himself up.
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Old 10-16-2016, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Babyswiss View Post
But My parents have chosen to not talk to me anymore because I plan on marrying him. ...

He comes from a large family that is very nice and practices forgiveness. My family consists of just my dad, mum, and sister - there are more extended family members but my parents stopped talking to them over ten years ago for reasons I don't quite know because I was young when this all happened.
I've read a number of books and articles about emotional cut offs.

Forgiveness and communication is the key in those situations.

These are clickable links to the books I found most useful ...

https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Cut...dp/0789014602/

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Speaking-...dp/0393707040/

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Famil...dp/0071412425/

https://www.amazon.com/FORGIVENESS-N...dp/1935097792/

https://www.amazon.com/Make-Peace-An...dp/0312310013/

You will also find a bunch of articles on this topic here ...

https://www.google.com/search?q=emotional+cut+off
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Old 10-16-2016, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
There are no details here that give us clues.

I don't know how long the two of you dated before becoming engaged. If it was quick, that might be cause for concern. He may not have been in recovery long. As I understand it, those in recovery ( in AA, anyway) are strongly discouraged from entering into new relationships when they are newly sober. This could be a concern for them, even if they aren't aware of the guidelines in AA.

Renting as opposed to buying, that bothers them? I don't know why, other than maybe they think he may move and take you with him. Is his job stable? For how long? You might tell your parents that buying doesn't always turn out better than renting. Your parents may have fared okay, but many people were encouraged to buy houses when they couldn't actually afford them, and ended up worse than before.

An acquaintance of mine married a man in recovery, but they had a long courtship. She insisted he be sober for a specific length of time before they began planning a wedding.
We dated for one year before getting engaged. He has been sober for 3 years. And the renting bothers them because he is renting the house from his uncle and my parents don't understand why the uncle wouldn't just give him the house.
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Old 10-16-2016, 10:20 AM
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Well, the fact that they are estranged from the rest of your extended family might give you a clue. Some families are quick to circle the wagons and cut off anyone who upsets them. I seriously doubt you will be able to change them.

The fact that he's been solidly sober and is still involved with AA (my ex is, after 36 years) are good signs. As is the fact that you didn't get involved with him until he'd been sober for a year.

As I said, with this disease there are never any guarantees. OTOH, there are never any guarantees a spouse won't die, develop a substance abuse problem for the first time after marriage, be unfaithful, or anything else negative. There's no such thing as a risk-free relationship--a modicum of risk comes with the territory.

It doesn't sound like there are rational reasons for their rejection of him (it sounds like they've never even gotten to know him), so I'd say if you really want to spend your life with this man you will have to do so not counting on your family's support. You're an adult, and you can't live your life (well, you CAN, but it wouldn't be healthy or lead to long-term happiness) trying to please your parents.

I DO, however, recommend that you learn as much as you can about alcoholism, just to be sure you know what it's about.
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Old 10-16-2016, 10:41 AM
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not knowing your family history, it sounds as if they are quick to "judge" based on little evidence. some family systems are like that. the bit about renting i just don't get.....

you'll have to decide if having your parent's approval outweighs your own inner compass. there is no rule here.....

three years sober is a good base. as lexie said, length of sobriety is no protection against relapse......the ONLY protection is to never use again. ever. there is no such thing as immunity. only a reprieve.
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Old 10-16-2016, 11:05 AM
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Your family sounds a lot like my dad's family. Quick to judge, and to shun. There are whole branches of that family I've never met because they displeased my grandmother once upon a time. Even she doesn't remember why at this point.

It's great that your fiance is so involved with his AA recovery program. Have you checked out any Al Anon meetings? Many of them are held concurrently with an AA meeting. Your family of origin might not ever really "come around," sorry to say. I've been estranged from my alcoholic dad and his family for 20 years. It's kind of a relief, tbh, because I don't have to expose my children to that dysfunction.

But something I've seen in my time in Al Anon is that people in the program tend to form their own family. A couple of weeks ago some friends of mine renewed their vows for their 20th anniversary. They had the ceremony at the Alano Club. There was a band and food and coffee and cake. I brought my gentleman friend and my youngest son. Lots of people had kids and grandkids there, because they knew it would be a family-friendly event. Instead of a ring, the groom's sponsor gave him a special AA medallion that the bride had picked out and designed. It was a really beautiful day.

So yes to all the advice above. Learning about the disease of alcoholism, living your own life as you see fit. But it also sounds like your family has some unhealthy behaviors and dysfunction going on. I didn't start sorting all of that stuff out until I was an adult working my own recovery in the Al Anon program. It helped me a lot.

And I know a lot of people who don't particularly associate alcoholism as the source or cause of the dysfunction in their family but who have benefited from the Al Anon program.
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Old 10-16-2016, 11:36 AM
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There is a book called; "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life".

I had my (ex)husband read it and it helped him understand so much about his upbringing and his parents behaviors. His parents, like yours, had large extended families ( eleven siblings between them, who coincidentally all got along amongst themselves) and they did not communicate with _any_ of them. Always because the _other_ people had done or said something they disapproved of. It was bizarre and quite honestly pathological.

You are in a tough spot. It does sound like you found a good man, serious about his recovery. I wish you the best of luck.

*hugs*
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Old 10-16-2016, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyswiss View Post
And the renting bothers them because he is renting the house from his uncle and my parents don't understand why the uncle wouldn't just give him the house.
*Give away* a piece of real estate that is a source of income for Uncle? Bwahahahaha! Not bloody likely in my family, either. Times are tough. It may be that his uncle actually needs the money from this rental property. Even if he cuts bf a break on the rent, there may be a limit to his generosity. I'd say it proves his uncle has a lot of faith in him. There's a few in my family I wouldn't rent to, because I'm pretty sure I'd eventually have to throw them out.

For people who have estranged themselves from their own family, your parents are acting pretty judge-y about other folk's lack of generosity.
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Old 10-21-2016, 08:12 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Well, the fact that they are estranged from the rest of your extended family might give you a clue. Some families are quick to circle the wagons and cut off anyone who upsets them.
Some of the books I have read about emotional cut off say a similar thing. The crux of what those books said is that some families show the example that if you have a problem with a friend or relative, that cutting them out of your life completely instead of working through the problem is some kind of acceptable solution.

That attitude and example can then be passed on through generations by multigenerational transmission ...

https://www.thebowencenter.org/theor...ssion-process/

In Bowen Family Systems, they can actually draw a diagram showing the whole family and the cutoffs and conflicts etc throughout the family. Have a look at the diagram on this page ...

A Brief History of The Bowen Theory - The Bowen Theory Education Center - 2016
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