TimeForMe

Shortly after I left XAH, I got involved with the "bad boy". I knew it was a mistake at the time, but I didn't care. He is manipulative, self-centered, angry, and a liar. But oh my, I could not stay away. I have cried and cried over what has gone on between us. After not speaking for several months, he texted me saying he missed me. We started talking a couple of weeks ago and I told him we could only be friends.

He invited me over to spend the day with him and his son today (it's the son's birthday next week). I was going to bring a birthday present and have dinner with them. I had a work issue come up and told him I could come later than planned. He got angry and said some cruel things to me about game playing, told me to have a nice life, and hung up. Then he texts me and tells me to stay out of their lives and lose his number. I did not reply.

I know I should not have agreed to go there. I know I should not have replied when he texted me a couple weeks ago. I know I should not have gotten involved with him in the first place. I know I was playing with fire. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY (yes, I am yelling) did I do those things???? I feel *so* stupid!!!! I am smarter than this!! I deserve better than to be treated like that!!! WHY do I feel so sick and sad???

I am so embarrassed I can not even talk to any of my friends or family about the situation because they'll think I've lost my marbles. I got out of an emotionally unstable relationship with XAH and right into another one. Why do I allow this bad guy to have power over me??? I feel so stupid and alone.

I thought writing this out would give me some perspective and make me feel better but it hasn't. It's probably time to break out Codependent No More again. I feel broken.

AnvilheadII

sometimes we crave the chaos. it somehow feels normal. it's what we know - our uncomfortable comfort zone. and it strangely, helps anchor us.

i think this is a great weekend to read a "good" book!

Refiner

Hey at least you didn't reply to his stupidly insane text (and DON'T! Even if tempted to "have the last word.") Calm down and go easy on yourself and keep moving forward while understanding there is a learning in there somewhere and use it as a growing moment. I, too, used to date a "bad boy" fully knowing how bad he was for me (a lying manipulator). You don't heal from other abusive relationships overnight and usually go back to what you know and think you deserve for awhile. Hey, at least you recognize it!

LexieCat

Hey, stop beating yourself up. It's nothing most of us haven't done at least a couple of times in our lives.

Look at it this way--how much better is it to have been reminded of what a jerk he is NOW, rather than getting reeled all the way back in? As it is, all you've lost is face, and only to yourself.

I think a lot of us here are somewhat attracted to the "bad boys." So you aren't alone there. I doubt that THIS guy will make it under your radar again--in a way, he did you a favor by showing his true colors the second you caused him the mildest displeasure.

I'd suggest taking a good long break from dating, period. Get to know yourself better, without the distraction/excitement of a relationship.

Meantime, big hugs, and stop berating yourself.

TimeForMe

Thanks, everyone. Your comments help.

dandylion

timeForMe...Harville Hendrix and his wife developed a theory about why we re attracted to certain people. According to this theory--when we meet a person, we recognize (at some level), an amalgam of the positive and negative characteristics of those who we have known, that we close to us in the past. Especially those in caretaking positions with us.
We are attracted to both...comfortable and feel in synch with both....
BUT, the most important of the two are the negative characteristics that we recognize!! Why? Because, we seek to work out the unresolved issues in our past realtionships (caretaker relationships) within each new relationship, in our adult lives....
for example, if our father was somewhat distant and aloof...we will be attracted to a man who is basically, like that...in hopes of "correcting" that childhood wound. **He may not appear to be like the father in many ways...but, our antennae will pick up on the distant aloofness and feel drawn to that.

TimeforMe....I am just trying my best to describe this theory to you....since you brought the subject up...lol...
If you want to read more work by Harville Hendrix...amazon has a ton of his books. I first saw him on Oprah Winfrey show, several times and got interested in his work. He spends most of his time training couples therapists, now.

Another book that you might like...very easy read...is written by a therapist who has wo rked, primarily, with abused women. It is called "The Sabre toothed tiger". It explains why it is so hard to leave a partner, even though they may treat us badly.

Now, having said all this....please do read "Co-Deoendent No More", first....as it is practically the "bible" around here.

By the way...I don't think that any of the material in the three books that I have mentioned, conflict with each other. Just different angles and layers of relationship dynamics.....

And.....take it easy on yourself.....

TimeForMe

Thanks, dandylion. I haven't heard of Hendrix before, or the Sabre Toothed Tiger book. I will check them both out.

You don't know what it means that you all (Anvilheadll, Refiner, LexieCat and dandylion) have commented. You all always have such great insight and are willing to hand out the tough love when needed.

Going through this process of my own recovery from co-dependency has been so difficult and eye-opening. Dandylion, I can completely relate to your statement, "if our father was somewhat distant and aloof...we will be attracted to a man who is basically, like that...in hopes of "correcting" that childhood wound." That makes so much sense.

That "uncomfortable comfort zone"...a place I have lived too long.

maia1234

Hugs my friend, we always learn from our mistakes. I know it hurts but remember this time when in a few months he does this again. (because of course he would deny ever doing this).