Need some advice I have decided to sober but my wife drinks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1
Need some advice I have decided to sober but my wife drinks
Hello all,
I am new here and really need some advice. My wife and I have been drinking together for years and it kept escalating. Lately I started having health issues related to it and I have been moderating my drinking even though my doctor says I need to stop altogether. Even as I have stopped my wife has continued to drink. She has gained a dangerous amount of weight and is in pain much of the time.
This week I have had the Flu since Tuesday and every night my wife has come home and started to drink. Each night I am sober and she gets drunk she starts to get angry with me etc. I know I cannot reason with her.
To give you an idea of the amount of alcohol she consumes, last night she drank a fifth of rum in a few hours.
Today when she got home I told her we needed to talk. I expressed my concern that she is killing herself and just asked her to moderate the amount. She did for a while. She only drank 1/2 a bottle. But then I also discovered she drank a half bottle of wine.
Sorry this is such a long story.
Around midnight she said she thinks she might have forgotten to lock up at work. I said give me a min and I would get dressed and go check for her (flu patient remember). She got angry and said she wouldn't want to "put me out." I said hold on and I would get ready. Well by the time I got outside she was in her car and had it cranked and was ready to pull out. I told her she shouldn't drive and she insisted she was fine. She kept refusing to listen until I told her I would call her in to the cops if she left.
She was furious. But she was absolutely in no state to drive and could but herself and others at risk.
I went to the office. Everything was fine but I was furious. I got home and she was angry and kept calling me a hypocrite who wants to take all of her choices from her.
I told her I was going to bed and she insisted I sleep on the sofa. I told her that no I was going to sleep in the guest bedroom. I grabbed what remained of the bottle and took it in the room and locked the door.
What follows is more of the same. She said she would just go out and get more rum unless I gave her the bottle. I gave in but went and confiscated all of the keys. She said she would call the cops and tell them I was falsely imprisoning her. I told her to go right ahead. I came in the room locked it and went to bed.
Just so you know. She can leave the house she but I took away her ability to drive. I was about to turn in felt really desperate and found these forums. Right now I would just appreciate any advice anyone has.
When we are both drinking together I can easily ignore how she treats me. Half the time I done care and the other half I don't remember. This week has been a wake up call.
Oh and she just texted me this.
Dear David. I'm not sure if I miss you more now or 9 years ago. You might think you're taking the high road now, but where were you when the path started leading here?
She has a point but with my medical concerns I don't have a choice. Nor have I wanted to continue this lifestyle. Too many lost days, opportunities, fights and hung over mornings.
Thoughts?
Thanks for listening.
I am new here and really need some advice. My wife and I have been drinking together for years and it kept escalating. Lately I started having health issues related to it and I have been moderating my drinking even though my doctor says I need to stop altogether. Even as I have stopped my wife has continued to drink. She has gained a dangerous amount of weight and is in pain much of the time.
This week I have had the Flu since Tuesday and every night my wife has come home and started to drink. Each night I am sober and she gets drunk she starts to get angry with me etc. I know I cannot reason with her.
To give you an idea of the amount of alcohol she consumes, last night she drank a fifth of rum in a few hours.
Today when she got home I told her we needed to talk. I expressed my concern that she is killing herself and just asked her to moderate the amount. She did for a while. She only drank 1/2 a bottle. But then I also discovered she drank a half bottle of wine.
Sorry this is such a long story.
Around midnight she said she thinks she might have forgotten to lock up at work. I said give me a min and I would get dressed and go check for her (flu patient remember). She got angry and said she wouldn't want to "put me out." I said hold on and I would get ready. Well by the time I got outside she was in her car and had it cranked and was ready to pull out. I told her she shouldn't drive and she insisted she was fine. She kept refusing to listen until I told her I would call her in to the cops if she left.
She was furious. But she was absolutely in no state to drive and could but herself and others at risk.
I went to the office. Everything was fine but I was furious. I got home and she was angry and kept calling me a hypocrite who wants to take all of her choices from her.
I told her I was going to bed and she insisted I sleep on the sofa. I told her that no I was going to sleep in the guest bedroom. I grabbed what remained of the bottle and took it in the room and locked the door.
What follows is more of the same. She said she would just go out and get more rum unless I gave her the bottle. I gave in but went and confiscated all of the keys. She said she would call the cops and tell them I was falsely imprisoning her. I told her to go right ahead. I came in the room locked it and went to bed.
Just so you know. She can leave the house she but I took away her ability to drive. I was about to turn in felt really desperate and found these forums. Right now I would just appreciate any advice anyone has.
When we are both drinking together I can easily ignore how she treats me. Half the time I done care and the other half I don't remember. This week has been a wake up call.
Oh and she just texted me this.
Dear David. I'm not sure if I miss you more now or 9 years ago. You might think you're taking the high road now, but where were you when the path started leading here?
She has a point but with my medical concerns I don't have a choice. Nor have I wanted to continue this lifestyle. Too many lost days, opportunities, fights and hung over mornings.
Thoughts?
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Hi David and welcome to SR
I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles. Do you have any outside sober support other than your doctor and SR? Have you tried going to AA at all?
You will get a lot of really good support here but I always think getting some good face to face support, be it in a peer group, individual counselling, etc will really help you.
I also think if you are up for face to face meetings, you may want to try out some Al-anon meetings to help deal with the struggles you are facing in your marriage. There is also a Friends & Family forum where you will get a ton of great support from dealing with this.
I think the best thing for you right now would be to put a lot of focus on your own sobriety. Try to focus on the positives and build upon those.
I think how you handled taking the keys away was the right thing to do. Other than that, you can't do anything to control or help her amount of drinking, you can't do anything to change her. She has to find her own way and her own will to want to change her end of things.
And in the mean time, you will have to work on figuring out what boundaries you are going to put up, and be able to keep. And how much more you are willing or able to take.
Take it one day at a time. And be kind to yourself. And I hope you are feeling better soon.
I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles. Do you have any outside sober support other than your doctor and SR? Have you tried going to AA at all?
You will get a lot of really good support here but I always think getting some good face to face support, be it in a peer group, individual counselling, etc will really help you.
I also think if you are up for face to face meetings, you may want to try out some Al-anon meetings to help deal with the struggles you are facing in your marriage. There is also a Friends & Family forum where you will get a ton of great support from dealing with this.
I think the best thing for you right now would be to put a lot of focus on your own sobriety. Try to focus on the positives and build upon those.
I think how you handled taking the keys away was the right thing to do. Other than that, you can't do anything to control or help her amount of drinking, you can't do anything to change her. She has to find her own way and her own will to want to change her end of things.
And in the mean time, you will have to work on figuring out what boundaries you are going to put up, and be able to keep. And how much more you are willing or able to take.
Take it one day at a time. And be kind to yourself. And I hope you are feeling better soon.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Hi david and welcome 
\
I'm sorry for your situation - that sounds rough. Having a partner who drinks, needn't be a dealbreaker - even when your partner is also an alcoholic and may be using emotional blackmail to try and keep you as a drinking buddy.
The key is support - sober support - and you'll find a lot of that here.
I can't promise that it will be easy - but it will be worth it.
I really hope your wife reconsiders her position and decides to join you in recovery too
D
\
I'm sorry for your situation - that sounds rough. Having a partner who drinks, needn't be a dealbreaker - even when your partner is also an alcoholic and may be using emotional blackmail to try and keep you as a drinking buddy.
The key is support - sober support - and you'll find a lot of that here.
I can't promise that it will be easy - but it will be worth it.
I really hope your wife reconsiders her position and decides to join you in recovery too
D
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,977
im pretty sure that los angeles has the largest aa intergroup on the planet ...
more meetings than anywhere else
what an opportunity!
if its louisiana ... well theres lotsa meetings there too
takes some courage to post
the step before the 1st step?
God bless
more meetings than anywhere else
what an opportunity!
if its louisiana ... well theres lotsa meetings there too
takes some courage to post
the step before the 1st step?
God bless
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Change is possible to anyone who has the desire to stop drinking, I have become convinced of this - just look around.
A program of action is needed, however.
Some say acceptance is the solution. Well, I accepted who/what I was for a very long time. But, there was no desire to change.
You can't pull somebody else out of the quicksand who likes it there. Form your plan, your program. Perhaps in doing so others may see change and begin to desire what you may have...........
A program of action is needed, however.
Some say acceptance is the solution. Well, I accepted who/what I was for a very long time. But, there was no desire to change.
You can't pull somebody else out of the quicksand who likes it there. Form your plan, your program. Perhaps in doing so others may see change and begin to desire what you may have...........
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,574
hi David -- welcome to SR! That sounds tough, for sure. Stick around here and read in the forums -- there are a number of our members who have stopped drinking despite their spouse/partner continuing to drink. You'll find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: MI
Posts: 626
Help and Welcome David. Yours is a very rough situation. Although my wife still drinks and has it in the home, there is no pressure on me. And if I asked for her alcohol to be removed, it would be supported. As you may know, you need to make sobriety you number 1 priority. It sure sounds like you're ready and your health is obviously depending on it too. I would have left my home for a while if your case was mine and I wasn't supported. My Heath both physical and mental depended on it. You obviously need to make your own decision about what is best for you..... But I would never be sober without he support at home and here at SR.
My very best wishes for you tonight on your new journey.
RE
My very best wishes for you tonight on your new journey.
RE
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
I get it - and it sucks. Get selfish right now and focus on your own sobriety. It is either that or circle the drain together. Not a good life plan. She will either see the light or not but you cannot make her change - it is totally out of your control.
Blessings to you. You are making a very wise decision. This forum is wonderful and can help you - also a group of people (face to face) could be just the thing (me too actually)
Blessings to you. You are making a very wise decision. This forum is wonderful and can help you - also a group of people (face to face) could be just the thing (me too actually)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
That must be very difficult. I feel for you. I'm sure your sobriety feels threatening to your wife. She probably knows she needs to stop, too, but doesn't want to. Honestly, I didn't get sober until my husband filed for divorce. By then it was too late for us. I hope you don't encounter the same situation. Try to stay strong and take every bit of support you can find.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,115
Hi David,
My story: My husband and I have been married 28 years, together 30. We were each other's using buddies, and are parents to one son, now 25.
In 1995 my husband got sober through a 12 Step Program. Our son just celebrated 8 years in September, and on November 12, I will have 4 years. We all are active in our recovery, attend meetings, have a Sponsor, work the Steps,and are of Service.
There is a 7 year gap between my husband's sober birthday and my own. I was drunk every night, blackouts most nights, a nasty bitch who didn't recall her hurtful words to the man I loved, and still do.
Night n Day difference between our Family life when we all used and now. We each do OUR own recovery, nobody can shame or guilt you into quitting your D.O.C.
A suggestion, one my husband told me after I got sober. The people at his meetings, his friends, told him, Ken you work your recovery. Be an example because that is all you can do. David, you work on you. The Alcoholics Anonymous Program saved our family. You get what you put in, what a life changing gift I've been given.
All the best to you.
Bobbi
My story: My husband and I have been married 28 years, together 30. We were each other's using buddies, and are parents to one son, now 25.
In 1995 my husband got sober through a 12 Step Program. Our son just celebrated 8 years in September, and on November 12, I will have 4 years. We all are active in our recovery, attend meetings, have a Sponsor, work the Steps,and are of Service.
There is a 7 year gap between my husband's sober birthday and my own. I was drunk every night, blackouts most nights, a nasty bitch who didn't recall her hurtful words to the man I loved, and still do.
Night n Day difference between our Family life when we all used and now. We each do OUR own recovery, nobody can shame or guilt you into quitting your D.O.C.
A suggestion, one my husband told me after I got sober. The people at his meetings, his friends, told him, Ken you work your recovery. Be an example because that is all you can do. David, you work on you. The Alcoholics Anonymous Program saved our family. You get what you put in, what a life changing gift I've been given.
All the best to you.
Bobbi
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 31
Hello David,
I have known some couples with very big differences. Religious, political, lifestyle... My most favourite example is my husband's grandparents. They lived through USSR, him being an "Enemy of the State", and suffering the consequences of being an undesirable; her being part of the communist party. His father had been taken, by this very party, from his home, and never came back. (We recently found out he had been sent to Siberia and eventually died in a work camp) They were nonetheless a really good couple, and were together till the end.
A note on couples with very big fundamental differences... the way they behave towards each other is crucial to their functioning. In what you describe, it seems like your choice is not being respected, and that may be more important then the fact that you are taking a different path.
As many suggested, establishing boundaries is a very good start. Good luck and stay strong
I have known some couples with very big differences. Religious, political, lifestyle... My most favourite example is my husband's grandparents. They lived through USSR, him being an "Enemy of the State", and suffering the consequences of being an undesirable; her being part of the communist party. His father had been taken, by this very party, from his home, and never came back. (We recently found out he had been sent to Siberia and eventually died in a work camp) They were nonetheless a really good couple, and were together till the end.
A note on couples with very big fundamental differences... the way they behave towards each other is crucial to their functioning. In what you describe, it seems like your choice is not being respected, and that may be more important then the fact that you are taking a different path.
As many suggested, establishing boundaries is a very good start. Good luck and stay strong
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