kinzoku

One year, one month and fifteen days.

I got my second raise at work today after completing a five week intense program with students. I got accepted into a really tough uni program (start in two months). I have a beautiful new girlfriend. I have a new apartment.

I am kicking butt.

My student gave me a present today. They often do, they are very sweet and most of them are university students or older.

I opened when I got home from a long graduation ceremony in which my students nearly brought me to tears. Just so kind.

The note says (translated) "You did a good job. You deserve this". It was pinned to a beer.

I looked at it for a long while and just couldn't figure it out. I went and did my work (I take classes on the weekend and I have to prepare).

Done my coding assignment I came back to the beer. I mean why now?

I took off the capand took a sip. It was acrid. It tasted gross, I held it in my mouth, and swallowed. So i am commited. I let the aftertaste linger and poured the beer out. I have no desire to drink another beer.

But I thought I ought to come clean.

Its kind of like, as success finally has come to me, the universe has thrown me one last test. I'm not sure if I passed. I think I did. You can judge me as you see fit.

leviathan

No judgment here. I would personally make a little time to firm up my commitment -maybe like really thinking about how good things are now (this is my go to).
The sip of beer by itself doesn't mean much, but toying around with disaster is not good. I've found myself fantasizing about drinking before...I know that means I need to pay more attention and find a way to do a recovery tune-up.

Also, I think the students had the right idea partially. -you do deserve a reward for finishing hard work. They just picked a reward that is not rewarding to you. You should find something healthy to reward yourself with. Something fun or relaxing, with no hangover. LOL!

kinzoku

Agreed on all counts.

Unfortunately my reward is just more work and a test tomorrow. Good thing I only had that sip, I've got a long day ahead!.

Good night SR

Dee74

Congratulations on the good things happening


For a long time those good things troubled me more than the bad things if I'm honest - I felt uneasy with success. I had a voice screaming inside me saying 'you got lucky, jerk...what if they discover what a massive fraud you are?'


I hope this doesn't appear as judgement but if you have one of those voices too, then I think you need to think a little more about that sip and the relentless nature of this thing...

it will bring you down like a bewildered gazelle if you let it?

D

Notimetoloose

I think of it this way at one year, one month and fifteen days you had a sip of beer.
Whether you count it as a slip or not; in the long term it won't matter as the years of sobriety accrue...

Ooona

This disease is cunning baffling and powerful. I think you should take that one sip VERY seriously. This is not a judgement of you personally whatsoever, it is a fact about alcoholism!

This could be just a slip or a learning experience or it could be the beginning of a long slow excruciating relapse. The difference will be based on how you handle it my friend.

Id take it as a sign to step up your game, be vigilant in using your sober tools, maybe adding some more to your arsenal.

My best to you, be blessed!

LadyBlue0527

I'm glad that you posted. I remember that fleeting moment too. Not sure if your experience was the same as mine. After days shy of 18 months sobriety I stared down at an open bottle of beer. I thought through all that it took for me to get where I was. I was scared. Really scared at what I was about to do. I heard all the stories about starting off right where I stopped. Still, I didn't get it. Just like you, I took that first sip and felt the same way. The difference is, I continued on. I'm so glad you didn't do that. I'm so glad you came here and posted.

I learned the hard way what it means that you start right off where you were when you stopped. It doesn't mean that the first time you drink you'll be the same exact way about it that you were the last time you drank. It means that the path is still going to lead you back to where you were the last time but at a faster rate of speed. Maybe not today, maybe not in a month. But, it's a promise, that eventually it will and there's no telling what the next "end result" is going to be.

Put it this way, I would give back every single sip I took of alcohol if I could take back the day that brought me back here. Not one sip was worth it.

You took the sip and you learned. Never play with the devil again. It will NEVER be worth it!

MIRecovery

Quitting drinking is relatively easy but painful. Staying quit was relatively painless but required a life time commitment to an active program of recovery. For me that was working the 12 steps and going to meetings. Will be leaving shortly to pick up my sponsee who does not have a license for 5 years and bring him to our weekly 9:00 am AA meeting.

Staying sober is not an accident. Recovery requires effort

EndGameNYC

The things we want for ourselves are generally much more important to us when we don't have them. When people say, "Be careful what you wish for," what I hear is that when we get what we want, or what we think we want, we at some point start taking those things for granted. We also start taking other things for granted, especially when things come to us very quickly. There's no big mystery around it; it's just part of being human. Every new, welcome addition to our lives brings with it new challenges and new problems. The thing is not to hold on tightly to what we now have, but to be prepared when things don't work out the way we want them to. And that requires working on ourselves.

I've become sensitive about appreciating what I have since I've gotten sober. I'm much more careful about attending to and caring for the people and things who/that have entered my life since I've been sober, than lamenting over what's missing or what I've lost. We can always have more, and it's perfectly natural to want more for ourselves. But I don't know that any of us is any good at balancing our desires vs. what needs to be taken care of in the moment and along the way during the many years that we're drinking. I never got around to doing anything, and every area of my life was marked by loose strings and unmet aspirations.

There isn't anything in life that I don't have that's more valuable to me than the life that I've built for myself since I got sober. Not more money, a better job, better friends, not my peace of mind, and certainly not a drink or a sip of beer. Many of us seem to have a knack for screwing things up, just when we start to enjoy what we have. Attention must be paid.

When things don't work well for me, and I'm satisfied that I've done as much as I can, or am willing to do, in order to make things better without that happening, I move on. I'm too old to waste time by waiting for people and things to get better in my life. The fact is, and though I never knew it at the time, I always was.

thomas11

I don't impose many rules on myself, but I do have one....I don't judge.

Glad you shared your story.

kinzoku

Hey guys. Thanks for the support, advice, and sharing. I'd just like to say I'm doing fine today and no intentions of drinking at all. I'll stay vigilant. I have a crazy busy weekend, I hope you all enjoy yours.

-Kin

PurpleKnight

Draw a line under it and keep moving forward!!

You can do this Kinzoku!!

Mattq2

Kinz halfway through your post I felt real fear. Only people like us can understand how fearful a simple"sip" can be. I'm glad it worked out for you I mean that. I know it would not have ended that way for me. you sound like your doing wonderfully.

kinzoku

One week later. Going strong. Just an update. Thanks all

Snarly

Kinzoku,

Thank you for sharing this chapter in your journey. I am truly interested in learning more of your thought process as you have come to terms with your opening and sipping the beer.

I have had many slips during my years dealing with my addictions and have had a variety of reasons as to why. Many of them I can find no one but myself to blame.

After much thought and writing in my journal I came to the realization that I had become bored or complacent in my sobriety. I basically sabotaged myself. My ego thought I was better and could handle drinking.

I am not in any way saying that my experience is or is not relevant to your own thoughts and decisions.

I am interested in how you view your sobriety today and what if anything you plan to change or even keep doing to keep moving forward in sobriety.

Thanks again for sharing and I look forward to your reply.

Snarly