Seeking help: cutting out alcoholic mother
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Seeking help: cutting out alcoholic mother
Hello, this is my first post. I was looking up advice on cutting out alcoholic parents online and my search brought me here. Reading other peoples' posts on the topic has already been helpful. I figured I would give this forum a try and see if anyone has gone/is going through a similar situation regarding cutting an alcoholic parent out of their life. I'll try to keep my story brief:
Background: My mother has been a high-functioning, in-denial alcoholic for 5+ years. In the past year or so, her drinking has escalated DRASTICALLY. She started taking my money, which as a broke university student, I could not afford to lose. I had to cut her (and my enabling stepfather) out of my life for the sake of staying in school, and successfully did so for about half a year.
Recent events: A few weeks ago, I got a call. My mother was in the ER in critical condition. I made the decision to go to the hospital and see her, because I felt I could never forgive myself if she died without me saying goodbye. When I saw her, she looked worse than ever. She told me she had been on stress leave from work ever since we stopped talking, and my stepfather had left her. She had spent the past half a year almost drinking herself to death alone at home. This broke my heart and I've felt extremely guilty ever since. Luckily, she survived. I thought landing in the ER would be a wake-up call, but apparently not. She's drinking again. She admitted she was not taking any of the new medications prescribed to her, and that her plans were to "stay at home drinking until I die" because she couldn't handle life without her ex (even though she was already depressed and drinking when they were together). The worst part is, she is having trouble getting paid during her leave, and is again guilting ME, a broke student, into paying her bills...
If I'm being honest with myself, I want nothing to do with her. This addiction has completely changed her; I don't even recognize my own mother anymore. Although she was never aggressive or abusive to me, she is triggering serious depression and anxiety - and I already have major health problems to deal with. I know I want to leave, but then what will happen to her? She has no one else (all our other family is abroad). If her pay doesn't come through, she could be evicted. How can I leave, knowing that the once-loving mother who raised me, will be homeless?
My question is: Has anyone cut off their alcoholic parent, knowing that they had no where else to go? Did you find a place for them to go before cutting off contact? If not, how did you deal with the guilt? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.
Background: My mother has been a high-functioning, in-denial alcoholic for 5+ years. In the past year or so, her drinking has escalated DRASTICALLY. She started taking my money, which as a broke university student, I could not afford to lose. I had to cut her (and my enabling stepfather) out of my life for the sake of staying in school, and successfully did so for about half a year.
Recent events: A few weeks ago, I got a call. My mother was in the ER in critical condition. I made the decision to go to the hospital and see her, because I felt I could never forgive myself if she died without me saying goodbye. When I saw her, she looked worse than ever. She told me she had been on stress leave from work ever since we stopped talking, and my stepfather had left her. She had spent the past half a year almost drinking herself to death alone at home. This broke my heart and I've felt extremely guilty ever since. Luckily, she survived. I thought landing in the ER would be a wake-up call, but apparently not. She's drinking again. She admitted she was not taking any of the new medications prescribed to her, and that her plans were to "stay at home drinking until I die" because she couldn't handle life without her ex (even though she was already depressed and drinking when they were together). The worst part is, she is having trouble getting paid during her leave, and is again guilting ME, a broke student, into paying her bills...
If I'm being honest with myself, I want nothing to do with her. This addiction has completely changed her; I don't even recognize my own mother anymore. Although she was never aggressive or abusive to me, she is triggering serious depression and anxiety - and I already have major health problems to deal with. I know I want to leave, but then what will happen to her? She has no one else (all our other family is abroad). If her pay doesn't come through, she could be evicted. How can I leave, knowing that the once-loving mother who raised me, will be homeless?
My question is: Has anyone cut off their alcoholic parent, knowing that they had no where else to go? Did you find a place for them to go before cutting off contact? If not, how did you deal with the guilt? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.
Last edited by justpeachy92; 10-14-2016 at 07:23 PM. Reason: Correction.
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It's a hard position to be in, Justpeachy. I am sorry you're there.
I did choose to cut off contact with my alcoholic mother. And this choice was made when I was 33, after years (my whole life) of dealing with the fallout of her addiction and mental problems. Years. My lifetime. I'd finally had enough. By that point, I had my own addiction to overcome. And I chose to focus on saving myself and my sanity.
She was dead within a year. She had a place to go, but that didn't stop her from doing it. I have had to accept that I didn't kill her. She had a death wish for many, many years. She had a history of overdoses already under her belt. Many hospital and ER stays. Multiple rehabs. Many car wrecks, and one that almost killed her.
It's amazing she lived to be 52.
I hope you will find a way to make a decision and get some peace. I know how hard this is.
Best wishes.
I did choose to cut off contact with my alcoholic mother. And this choice was made when I was 33, after years (my whole life) of dealing with the fallout of her addiction and mental problems. Years. My lifetime. I'd finally had enough. By that point, I had my own addiction to overcome. And I chose to focus on saving myself and my sanity.
She was dead within a year. She had a place to go, but that didn't stop her from doing it. I have had to accept that I didn't kill her. She had a death wish for many, many years. She had a history of overdoses already under her belt. Many hospital and ER stays. Multiple rehabs. Many car wrecks, and one that almost killed her.
It's amazing she lived to be 52.
I hope you will find a way to make a decision and get some peace. I know how hard this is.
Best wishes.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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So sorry to hear this peachy. It sounds similar to my mother. My stepdad divorced her and then her mother passed away. The DAY my grandmother passed my mother said she was going to be her now and it was now my job to take care of her (she was 59) and she proceeded to take my grandmother's drugs and continued taking more and more pills and booze (she had always been an alcoholic but a semi-functioning one) until I couldn't watch it anymore. I went to counseling (highly recommend) and learned about boundaries but I found that I had no strength to enforce the boundaries I was trying to erect and she had no respect for them, so I just stopped communicating with her. Her house was filthy, she wasn't taking care of herself, but I could not do it for her. It was stressful to do, and I slipped a few times and listened to some voice mails but all in all it was the best thing I could have done for myself and my kids. Again, I highly suggest finding a counselor or a support group. Society makes it very easy to distance yourself from an alcoholic spouse, but when it comes to your MOTHER I found judgement lurking around every corner. Counseling really helped focus me and realize that just because she gave birth to me does not mean I have to ruin my life to take care of her. (She also didn't raise me so I didn't have THAT piece of guilt and don't envy those who do). If you can set boundaries that give you more piece of mind that's a good place to start. People have suggested not talking or visiting if they're under the influence, things like that - but it's all about what you can handle and what she will respect. We are a small, quiet group, but we all know what you're going through. Hope you are able to find some peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Hi, just peachy. I finally went no contact with my alcoholic mother and extremely enabling, possibly alcoholic father, about seven months ago. I had just reached my saturation point where I don't think I could have even physically handled (let alone mentally or emotionally) one more bit of the chaos, abuse, fear, stress, walking on eggshells, confusion, dashed hopes, manipulations, lies etc. etc. that comes with having an alcoholic, personality disordered parent. I am middle aged and sometimes I am sad that I wasn't strong enough to do this for myself and my family sooner. I understand the misplaced guilt because I feel it, too, but I remind myself that there are many people who do not have children and extended family and there are resources in society for these people. When you become a parent and you ask yourself, "Would I expect my children to put up with this and to be a slave to my unchecked, unapologetic behavior? For me, as a mother of a large family, that is a RESOUNDING NO! In fact, some of my proudest moments have been when my children show good boundaries and healthy signs of self worth and not the people-pleasing, insecure, codependent behavior that I used to get through life with for too, too long.
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I'm not sure I have any help to offer, except to say, you know she's guilting you and she's going to pull you down with her. You didn't cause it, and you can't cure it.
My parents are aging and I'm having to face that they aren't going to back down, consider their own behavior, or ever apologize. They have created a family I can't be part of and still retain any semblance of mental health (it had become clear they actually believed they were justified in treating me ways they wouldn't treat anyone else, ever and it was affecting my ability to function well in other parts of my life). So I stay away from people who behave poorly. And I know that extended family members think I'm a terrible person as a result.
I don't feel guilt, however. I spent years forgiving, not expecting so much as an apology, being willing to walk back as soon as they seemed ready to 'play nice.' I feel I did my part. So no, I don't feel guilt, and if she dies without ever speaking to me again, no, I won't feel guilt, because she made her own choices, over and over.
I don't know if that's helpful in your situation, given mine isn't as severe.
My parents are aging and I'm having to face that they aren't going to back down, consider their own behavior, or ever apologize. They have created a family I can't be part of and still retain any semblance of mental health (it had become clear they actually believed they were justified in treating me ways they wouldn't treat anyone else, ever and it was affecting my ability to function well in other parts of my life). So I stay away from people who behave poorly. And I know that extended family members think I'm a terrible person as a result.
I don't feel guilt, however. I spent years forgiving, not expecting so much as an apology, being willing to walk back as soon as they seemed ready to 'play nice.' I feel I did my part. So no, I don't feel guilt, and if she dies without ever speaking to me again, no, I won't feel guilt, because she made her own choices, over and over.
I don't know if that's helpful in your situation, given mine isn't as severe.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Dear Peachy
My Dad passed away just before 9/11 ,2001. Even though we never saw him drink heavily, he exhibited all the classic characteristics, including cirrhosis of the liver.
I went no contact with him for a couple of months the year before he died, then reconciled. In retrospect, my life would have been better if I had made that decision several years prior and made it permanent.
I am so sorry your Mom is blaming you, in a roundabout way, for her advanced health problems. Unfortunately, all addicts ( even untreated codependents) are completely self-absorbed and blame everyone else for their troubles.
You need a strong support network, and a therapist well-trained in the family dynamics of alcoholics. Good luck. Keep coming back!
My Dad passed away just before 9/11 ,2001. Even though we never saw him drink heavily, he exhibited all the classic characteristics, including cirrhosis of the liver.
I went no contact with him for a couple of months the year before he died, then reconciled. In retrospect, my life would have been better if I had made that decision several years prior and made it permanent.
I am so sorry your Mom is blaming you, in a roundabout way, for her advanced health problems. Unfortunately, all addicts ( even untreated codependents) are completely self-absorbed and blame everyone else for their troubles.
You need a strong support network, and a therapist well-trained in the family dynamics of alcoholics. Good luck. Keep coming back!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Hi woman. I just read your post from oct. haven't been on here in a while. My mom is an alcoholic, and was basically my only parent until 21. We were very close, and will always have a deep bond, partially due to the things we have endured alone together, that she made happen to us. I have recently began going through periods of non communication w her over the past yr.
Anyways, just wanted to see how u are currently doing/feeling abt the situation. My heart breaks for u. I know exactly how u feel. Know that u cannot keep her alive or well, even if u were to stay and devote your whole life to supporting her. No matter what.
Stay strong (and not for her, for u). I really hope your spirits aren't too down
daughters of alcoholic mothers are a particularly special breed of ACOA, and we make it through EVERYTHING. Even alone
Anyways, just wanted to see how u are currently doing/feeling abt the situation. My heart breaks for u. I know exactly how u feel. Know that u cannot keep her alive or well, even if u were to stay and devote your whole life to supporting her. No matter what.
Stay strong (and not for her, for u). I really hope your spirits aren't too down
daughters of alcoholic mothers are a particularly special breed of ACOA, and we make it through EVERYTHING. Even alone Member
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Welcome to the Forum Justpeachy!! 
For me I struck a balance with my alcoholic dad, that same fear of getting a phone call one day from the hospital and having a regret was very real, so I separated my life into boundaries with my dad closed away from the rest of my life.
In the end I accepted he was never going to change, and all the misery alcohol caused I didn't let it affect and fenced it away from everything else in life, and when he finally passed away, I looked back and found a peace that there was nothing I or anyone could have done.
It's not a failure, or we aren't to blame for not being able to change a family member's alcoholism, even if they pass away it's not a failure on our part.
For me I struck a balance with my alcoholic dad, that same fear of getting a phone call one day from the hospital and having a regret was very real, so I separated my life into boundaries with my dad closed away from the rest of my life.
In the end I accepted he was never going to change, and all the misery alcohol caused I didn't let it affect and fenced it away from everything else in life, and when he finally passed away, I looked back and found a peace that there was nothing I or anyone could have done.
It's not a failure, or we aren't to blame for not being able to change a family member's alcoholism, even if they pass away it's not a failure on our part.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
For me personally, I take so much of the responsibility as well. I show loved ones little respect in allowing them their own consequences for their actions - and say, "hey, I can take that for you" when I'm already carrying enough guilt to break me in two.
I'm not NC with my father by choice - I just haven't heard from him - he's like a ghost. I've gone NC with conditions with several brothers though. I often wonder what it is about the person speaking that tries to make me feel guilty when I say I don't have certain brothers in my life. and they say stuff like, "life is too short" or whatever. Sometimes, I think, you're talking and preaching to the wrong person.
I'd love to rescue my father from his illness, and straighten his life out. But that's not my place to fix. The same with my brothers. I can only decide what I want in my life, fix all my brokenness (daily effort!), and move forward. If a loved one's disease is harming me to the point that my health will be damaged, I say there's nothing wrong with stepping away.
You can't cure, can't control, and didn't cause the disease. It will run its course. The only way out comes from her and not you.
The story could easily have been, "stepfather left her and then she finally hit rock bottom, sought out counseling, AA, etc and changed her life around" - so, ultimately, this problem is hers to fix or not. And if she chooses to ignore it, refuse to take the enormous number of opportunities out there, then that's the choice she makes.
I know I can drive myself crazy thinking about the what ifs around my behavior. What if I had this amazing amount of recovery and told my father about it and he finally had a light bulb spring over his head and go, "I need help". I'd love to rescue him, but I need to let go of the fantasy. He's a grown adult responsible for his own life and I'm working to respect whatever decisions he makes, and try to just stay in my own lane. And yes, that does mean I will restrict contact from people who refuse to respect boundaries. I've gotta take care of me.
My recommendation is to keep writing here for support, find a support group, counseling -- essentially, to work on you. Take the focus off of mom and onto fixing you. You don't have to drink to suffer from alcoholism. We need help too.
I'm not NC with my father by choice - I just haven't heard from him - he's like a ghost. I've gone NC with conditions with several brothers though. I often wonder what it is about the person speaking that tries to make me feel guilty when I say I don't have certain brothers in my life. and they say stuff like, "life is too short" or whatever. Sometimes, I think, you're talking and preaching to the wrong person.
I'd love to rescue my father from his illness, and straighten his life out. But that's not my place to fix. The same with my brothers. I can only decide what I want in my life, fix all my brokenness (daily effort!), and move forward. If a loved one's disease is harming me to the point that my health will be damaged, I say there's nothing wrong with stepping away.
You can't cure, can't control, and didn't cause the disease. It will run its course. The only way out comes from her and not you.
The story could easily have been, "stepfather left her and then she finally hit rock bottom, sought out counseling, AA, etc and changed her life around" - so, ultimately, this problem is hers to fix or not. And if she chooses to ignore it, refuse to take the enormous number of opportunities out there, then that's the choice she makes.
I know I can drive myself crazy thinking about the what ifs around my behavior. What if I had this amazing amount of recovery and told my father about it and he finally had a light bulb spring over his head and go, "I need help". I'd love to rescue him, but I need to let go of the fantasy. He's a grown adult responsible for his own life and I'm working to respect whatever decisions he makes, and try to just stay in my own lane. And yes, that does mean I will restrict contact from people who refuse to respect boundaries. I've gotta take care of me.
My recommendation is to keep writing here for support, find a support group, counseling -- essentially, to work on you. Take the focus off of mom and onto fixing you. You don't have to drink to suffer from alcoholism. We need help too.
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Hi, justpeachy. I know I'm late to the party here but I haven't been on the site in over a year (whoops!). I've been NC with my mother for nearly 5 years with a very, very short break in 2015. I'm sure someone else mentioned this already, but the guilting you is abuse. Someone doesn't have to hit you to abuse you. Ultimately this is your mother's mess to fix or not - her choice either way.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Is your mum still alive? It’s been four years since you’ve made this post. How did everything go?
My father is an alcoholic and is in hospital again. I believe he’s dying. He has liver cirrhosis and soils himself and also has poor memory. He’s also abusive and has been nasty to me all my life but for some reason I keep staying to help him. I’m exhausted, it’s affected my uni and work and social life. I can’t do this anymore.
My father is an alcoholic and is in hospital again. I believe he’s dying. He has liver cirrhosis and soils himself and also has poor memory. He’s also abusive and has been nasty to me all my life but for some reason I keep staying to help him. I’m exhausted, it’s affected my uni and work and social life. I can’t do this anymore.
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