FireSprite

I just finished reading Rising Strong for the 2nd time & I have had this rolling around in my head for a couple of days.

I've run into this philosophy before - "Always Do Your Best" is the fourth of The Four Agreements & in my yoga practice my instructor cautions us to be always mindful of bringing our Best to the mat each time. Both remind me how our personal best often changes from day to day & that accepting that goes a long way toward reducing self-shame, self-judgment & negative self-talk.

For anyone that hasn't read the book, at one point Brene puts this question (given to her by her OWN therapist) to her readers: Do you think people are doing the best they can?

Her own initial reaction is an emphatic - Hell, no! - but she eventually sees that her research shows a different story. Her husband gives what is perhaps the most thoughtful & truthful response to the question:

“Steve said, “I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.” His answer felt like truth to me. Not an easy truth, but truth.”
― Brené Brown, Rising Strong


But it still didn't really sit comfortably for me, even after 2-read-throughs.

So I decided last weekend that I would simply make this my Go-To Response every time I found myself upset at another person's actions (or lack thereof). Just to test the theory, just to see it in a realtime.

I gotta tell you guys - I am amazed at how this mindset kept me out of judgment & blaming & how much easier it was to maintain a positive, healthy attitude. It was like a Hall-Pass for Expectations.... whether it was some moron cutting me off in traffic or RAH having a communication issue I just reminded myself that they were doing their best & moved on without getting hung up in judging their behavior.

It doesn't mean I necessarily find their behavior to be acceptable and keeping in mind that this was their best showed me why boundaries are so necessary for self-protection. Like she says:

“I assumed that people weren't doing their best so I judged them and constantly fought being disappointed, which was easier than setting boundaries. Boundaries are hard when you want to be liked and when you are a pleaser hellbent on being easy, fun, and flexible.”
― Brené Brown, Rising Strong


I'm happy to add this gem to my personal Recovery Toolbox & thought it might strike a chord for some of you as well!

3littlebirds

I struggle to remember that people's best changes from day to day. I judge myself when I don't have a productive day but remembering that I did the best I could that day helps me not be so hard on myself.

I guess if I extend that courtesy to myself I should do the same for others!


Thanks for the reminder!

Wisconsin

The whole idea of doing one's best was a HUGE point of conflict between STBXAH and me. I often would defend myself saying "I'm doing my best!" and I would be met with utter derision in response. I have always been a glass-half-full, see-the-best-in-people kind of gal, but after experiencing that with STBXAH, it has been amplified tenfold. I'm MUCH more likely to be hard on myself, and judge myself, than I am to assume that someone else is slacking or taking the easy way out...

honeypig

I certainly don't assume that people are doing the best they can! I do all kinds of judging and resenting and so on...

I'm beginning to be able to believe that people did their best in a more distant past-tense sort of way, and that's been helpful, for sure. So I have to believe it would change things A LOT for me if I was able to bring that belief along into the present moment and apply it to what's going on right now.

I think I'm going to have to read about the Four Agreements--it was mentioned in my Tai Chi class on Tuesday and now you brought it up, FS. Off to my library website I go...

Thanks for yet another thought-provoking post!

firebolt

Yeah, I can be so judgmental of others and myself - just crazy high expectations all over the place at times and this helps a lot.

THanks!!

LifeRecovery

Interesting read.

I actually at this moment don't find this a struggle and have not for a while.

Reading it though I was struck with that I had to start this belief system with myself first......"When you know better you do better." Once I let up on myself my natural inclination to believe the best in others had an appropriate expression. Also once I realized that another person's "best" had no reflection on me.

I think I ALWAYS believed others knew best before....so if I disagreed I must be wrong.....

Boundaries are wonderful gifts we give ourselves.....I wish I had understood that years ago.

FireSprite

Me too, so this kind of judgment of others takes me by surprise. Your comment made me think back.... back... back.... and while I may be this way *now*, I haven't always been so optimistic. My mother was exactly the opposite - everything was a problem before it ever arrived & she was certain she'd get poor treatment everywhere she went. She sort of braces for an argument before there's ever any conversation & operates with her assumptions as facts. It took me years to break this habit & realize that every interaction with others doesn't have to be confrontational. This is one of those insidious ways that my damage has stayed with me at the root of my Self - like, I pulled the weed out but didn't get the whole root.

**sidenote** I've learned that anytime I use the word "insidious" to describe something about myself, it deals with my ACoA issues..... every. dang. time.

I think that she was most active in a negative state - meaning that when there was a crisis or issue she would be right in it with her actions (fixing it) but she was literally NEVER positive no matter what the situation. Bringing home good grades, getting selected for a special honor or event, earning some reward or accomplishment elicited absolutely ZERO response from my mother.... so I think I have a deeply rooted sense that nothing I achieve will EVER be enough & that therefore, *I* am never giving my best so why would I expect that from others?

Yes, that's where I started too. Or I wanted to qualify the statement - "This person is doing their best, based on what they are working with" or "... considering these other factors...." etc. Things can be so very clear for me in hindsight & I am working on bringing that into the "Now".

Yes - the 4 Agreements is a cornerstone book in my recovery. I read it years ahead of seeking recovery & came back to it over & over again in the years since then. I used to struggle very hard with parts of it because I felt like it over-simplified things & allowed the offending person a free pass for bad behavior. (Rule #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally")

I just picked up the Companion Book for it & plan on working through it on my vacation next week. Ironically, I called the friend I am going to visit & without knowing this she mentioned that she had just found her copy & planned on taking with us..... although she couldn't figure out why, after owning the book for about 5 years, she's motivated to pick it up *now*. Things that make ya go.... WOOWOO!!.....hmmmmm.......

HoldOnLoosely

Excellent thread, FireSprite. I'm with you on the Four Agreements. I found myself stuck for a while and then I read the book. The second agreement, Don't Take Anything Personally, caught my attention and that slowly started to move me forward. I still struggle sometimes with not taking things personally (mostly with my husband's comments/narrative). Sometimes I do well and sometimes I don't (I'm trying to move away from JADEing with him). I'm getting there.

I'm trying to stay more grounded and trust myself more...to the best of my ability at this moment in time. I make mistakes, but then I embrace the mistakes I make with compassion and remember it's only this moment in time...I will continue to move forward and work on myself.

August252015

Well said, FireSprite. I am not as familiar with the Four Agreements as some, so I mainly tie this concept and mental attitude to AA.

Every single day I read pp 85-88 and 417-418 of the Big Book. Basically, to hammer into my head the concept of Acceptance (capital A intended). And non-judgment. To wit:

"When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. .... I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. ....

AA and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of good in the best of us. ... When I complain about me or you, I am complaining about me or you, I am complaining about God's handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God. ...

For years I was sure that the worst thing that could ever happen to a nice guy like me was that I would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today I find it's the best thing that ever happened to me. This proves I don't know what's good for me. And if I don't know what's good for me, then I don't know what's good for you or for anyone. So I'm better off if I don't give advice, don't figure I know what's best and just accept life on life's terms- especially my own life, as it actually is. ..."
(I think Dee has said we are supposed to cite BB quotations, so this is from pp 417-418, 4th Edition)

I personally have to consciously practice acceptance a LOT of the time- less than before, but still a big skill to improve - whether it is some "jerk" in traffic, plans that fall through, a loved one hurting me, so-and-so candidate being an a**hat, whatever! Life really is easier when you do your best to live in acceptance, rather than judgment or ascribing intentions, motives, or thoughts to others.

Great post.

FireSprite

Circling back to this -

Over the last couple of weeks I've been hearing myself tell others, "Look, I'm doing my level best here...."

In a few of those scenarios, I knew that no amount of explanation could ever help the other person (with their limited perspective/understanding of the situation) truly understand that I WAS doing my best. Hmmmm... very interesting to be on the other side of this.

I've also overheard myself trying to calm down my upset friend by reminding her that the people she was mad at were probably doing their best & to not take it personally.

Yep - my awareness has definitely been raised!

atalose

How did I miss this when you first posted. Thank you!!! What a great new tool to have.

Hangnbyathread

I can do my best, if I get the best as a result. If I can't, then I just have to do well enough thats best for me.

LifeRecovery

This part has been hard for me. I spent my last therapy sessions trying to figure out when I should say something or not. Distinguishing between when something is for me (and thus I need to say it) or when I am trying to be liked, or be understood but I am talking to someone not capable in that moment of understanding (but still doing their best).

It is quite a fine dance!

Cyranoak

Ultimately there is an outcome or result in any given "effort." The outcome is either positive or negative, healthy or unhealthy, acceptable or not acceptable, good enough or not good enough, and "doing your best" does not change that at all.

If the addict/alcoholic is doing their best but still using, does that mean I have to waste my life dealing with them because they are trying so hard? Does it make unacceptable things acceptable?

No. It doesn't.

honeypig

I think I understand where you're coming from, Cyranoak, b/c I struggle w/this concept too (see my earlier post). I'm beginning to see things differently.

If I'm understanding this thread correctly, it's all about how we think and feel about others and their actions; thus it's about our own stress level/internal weather. It's about accepting the things we cannot change. It is NOT about making ourselves doormats or NOT taking action on our own behalf.

So in the example you give, accepting that my A is doing his best rather than judging, manipulating, resenting, etc., would give me serenity. His behavior is something outside of myself, and thus a "thing I cannot change."

However, accepting that this is the best he can do does not by any means close the door on my making decisions for myself in my own best interest--on the contrary, accepting that this IS his best allows me to ask myself if this is what I want, if this is how I choose to live. It frees me from the "if only..., if he'd just..., I wish he'd..." cycle of wishing things were different, of wishing HE was different, that keeps me stuck right where I am.

Accepting that someone is doing his/her best does not automatically mean it's "good enough" and that I must accept the unacceptable. It is not a free pass for any kind of bad behavior. What it is, is another way for me to stay on my own side of the street and remain serene.

NYCDoglvr

I don't assume people do the best they can. Some are lazy, too self-centered or damaged. I try not to judge others but sometimes it's automatic and I later regret it. Whenever possible I simply walk away from destructive people like active alcoholics.

FireSprite

Yes honeypig - exactly. (thank you for explaining it so well!)

In accepting that others are doing their best I actually find it easier to draw boundaries for myself - it somehow demystifies the black/white of the issue. It seems more clear-cut of a situation, kind of like "when people show you who they are, believe them."

The bonus is that is keeps ME out of negative headspace...... instead of getting bogged down in judgments & later regrets & those dreaded "shoulds" like honeypig mentioned - I take the mental bypass ramp & go directly to Acceptance. I also get to bypass Guilt which sometimes accompanies boundary-setting for me, personally. And you know what? All the time I've ever spent muddling through those kinds of thoughts has been 100% wasted - I've never solved anything or gotten anywhere better by spending my mental & emotional energy focusing on all the "bad".

I am a firm believer that we reap what we sow energetically so I prefer to reduce the negative mind-chatter as often as possible & opt for positive, empowering & growth-oriented thoughts instead. When I stay in *that* mental space, great things happen to & for & around me in all kinds of ways regardless of alcoholism in my life.

PhoenixJ

Hi all, been around since before now. Found this by a share by someone who recommended it (thanks). When people ask me what is my game plan- I reply ' to remain sober and try and be a little bit more of a better person every day'.
Warts and all. I choose to believe people are genuine in their usual behaviour. I assume this- but with time and repeated negative behaviour may change my mind. Such as in the recovery program I am in there was one young guy- nice enough, was trying to get others- very new to recovery to use drugs/buy drugs with him. Certainly not doing his best, unable to see the wood for the trees. The moderate approach for me is not to judge.

FireSprite

I had to put myself in a self-imposed Time Out recently - I completely lost touch with this principle & was sliding back into Judgment Zone again.

Bumping for myself as much as anyone today..... boundaries not judgment....

BAW81

THANK YOU! I have been so frustrated for days over my divorce, my ex, work, etc. I am printing out the below and putting in on my desk.

“Steve said, “I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.” His answer felt like truth to me. Not an easy truth, but truth.”
― Brené Brown, Rising Strong

God knows I am doing my best or trying to do my best. Perhaps its time that I give both others AND myself a bit of a break.

Thank you!