Detatching from the addict 15 years older than me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Detatching from the addict 15 years older than me
I posted this in the wrong category before, I realize this is a better place for things like this.
5:50 AM by Angel16
This is my first post on here. I think I'm mainly looking for some guidance, and for the love of god not any judgement please. I'm 20 years old and my (ex?) boyfriend is in his 30s. I knew from the start that the age difference would be an issue but he was so charming and fun that I figured age was "just a number" but as the months went on certain things became more apparent to me. He would drink very regularly, but being in college and having my last bf (my age) do the same, as dumb as it sounds I didn't see the red flags that someone of his age should not be getting drunk in the Walmart parking lot on a Wednesday night. I'm 75% sure I was dissociating myself for a while due to some really stressful events going on. It seems like I just woke up one morning to him pouring the vodka in a glass while I still had crust in my eyes. How could I get to the point with him to where he was so comfortable doing this to himself in front of me like this. He would frequently joke around about his alcoholism and explain that it would be over soon. As the child of two addicts my intuition told me to run, but being the child of two addicts also made me believe that I was to love him unconditionally. Eventually, after months of relative peacefulness things began to get rocky. Whenever I went out it was an issue, to the point where I would avoid it all together to save myself the headache. That's when I began to realize this was a bad idea. But just recently my eyes opened to something even more disturbing than him expecting me to be ok with his alcoholism, driving drunk with me, controlling my actions. I didn't know there was a term for it prior to about a week ago, but I now realize I was (still possibly am) the victim to gas lighting. I am rather quirky, not to be totally annoying but it's been apparent my whole life and I think that's why this happened so gradually and I fell right for it. Other boyfriends would casually joke about me being "crazy" and it didn't really bother me. But with him every time I tried to express my feelings (especially if they regarded his alcoholism, constantly falling asleep, being late, disappearing) I had to fight tooth and nail for any validation, and being silenced so many times would make me enraged and it would be a cycle, "oh you're just being crazy again". And sometimes I would believe it, and be grateful that he would accept me as I am. sick right? It has now advanced to him completely denying that events took place, fights mainly. I used to sum it up to him having a bad memory because of the alcohol/prescription pill abuse. Recently however it's gotten pretty out of control, him insisting we had certain conversations (me agreeing to things I didn't) and when I refute he swears I'm "so far gone" and "out of my mind". This is all happening after trying and failing to end the relationship. I tried, he was enraged, then sad, confused, and finally begged and I gave in. I need to get out of this toxic relationship before I end up going crazy from being told I am near every day. The problem is that he basically doesn't take no for an answer as well as morphes into a whole different person and it sucks me in. He acts like his addiction isn't a viable reason to not want to stay with him, he acts like I'm the one with all the issues. I've seen at least 50 bottles of alcohol under his bed at once, he's passed out on holidays, left me when I was distraught, we've been unable to do things when he's sick and throwing up. I don't want to be codependent on him but being so much younger than him our relationship is quite paternal and he makes me feel like I can't be on my own despite all of the bad. My friends must think I'm crazy for staying when I get nothing out of the relationship. He will constantly tell me that no one will ever put up with me or love me like him. I know enough not to believe him but I need to cut him off for good without him threatening suicide or stalking me. Can someone give me some honest advice, I can't go to my friends because they have no idea what this is like.
5:50 AM by Angel16
This is my first post on here. I think I'm mainly looking for some guidance, and for the love of god not any judgement please. I'm 20 years old and my (ex?) boyfriend is in his 30s. I knew from the start that the age difference would be an issue but he was so charming and fun that I figured age was "just a number" but as the months went on certain things became more apparent to me. He would drink very regularly, but being in college and having my last bf (my age) do the same, as dumb as it sounds I didn't see the red flags that someone of his age should not be getting drunk in the Walmart parking lot on a Wednesday night. I'm 75% sure I was dissociating myself for a while due to some really stressful events going on. It seems like I just woke up one morning to him pouring the vodka in a glass while I still had crust in my eyes. How could I get to the point with him to where he was so comfortable doing this to himself in front of me like this. He would frequently joke around about his alcoholism and explain that it would be over soon. As the child of two addicts my intuition told me to run, but being the child of two addicts also made me believe that I was to love him unconditionally. Eventually, after months of relative peacefulness things began to get rocky. Whenever I went out it was an issue, to the point where I would avoid it all together to save myself the headache. That's when I began to realize this was a bad idea. But just recently my eyes opened to something even more disturbing than him expecting me to be ok with his alcoholism, driving drunk with me, controlling my actions. I didn't know there was a term for it prior to about a week ago, but I now realize I was (still possibly am) the victim to gas lighting. I am rather quirky, not to be totally annoying but it's been apparent my whole life and I think that's why this happened so gradually and I fell right for it. Other boyfriends would casually joke about me being "crazy" and it didn't really bother me. But with him every time I tried to express my feelings (especially if they regarded his alcoholism, constantly falling asleep, being late, disappearing) I had to fight tooth and nail for any validation, and being silenced so many times would make me enraged and it would be a cycle, "oh you're just being crazy again". And sometimes I would believe it, and be grateful that he would accept me as I am. sick right? It has now advanced to him completely denying that events took place, fights mainly. I used to sum it up to him having a bad memory because of the alcohol/prescription pill abuse. Recently however it's gotten pretty out of control, him insisting we had certain conversations (me agreeing to things I didn't) and when I refute he swears I'm "so far gone" and "out of my mind". This is all happening after trying and failing to end the relationship. I tried, he was enraged, then sad, confused, and finally begged and I gave in. I need to get out of this toxic relationship before I end up going crazy from being told I am near every day. The problem is that he basically doesn't take no for an answer as well as morphes into a whole different person and it sucks me in. He acts like his addiction isn't a viable reason to not want to stay with him, he acts like I'm the one with all the issues. I've seen at least 50 bottles of alcohol under his bed at once, he's passed out on holidays, left me when I was distraught, we've been unable to do things when he's sick and throwing up. I don't want to be codependent on him but being so much younger than him our relationship is quite paternal and he makes me feel like I can't be on my own despite all of the bad. My friends must think I'm crazy for staying when I get nothing out of the relationship. He will constantly tell me that no one will ever put up with me or love me like him. I know enough not to believe him but I need to cut him off for good without him threatening suicide or stalking me. Can someone give me some honest advice, I can't go to my friends because they have no idea what this is like.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Adding something to this too
Things have never really reached the physical level of abuse expect maybe one time. After trying to leave him the first time and eventually letting him back in one night he grabbed me by the head out of nowhere and yanked my hair, I said ow and not to do that and he told me "stop making bad decisions." I'm terrified of blocking his number in fear that he'll show up at my work or house. He's been riding a bike there (suspended license) so there's no way to tell the security guards not to let him in.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 556
For the love of God
Get out now; while you still can.
You have your whole life ahead of you. This person is toxic, an abuser and both prescription drug/alcoholic.
What future is there in this? None.
He will bring you down with him.
I would suggest you get yourself to a shelter asap and cease any further contact.
The police will escort you back to get your things
Run, girl, run
You have your whole life ahead of you. This person is toxic, an abuser and both prescription drug/alcoholic.
What future is there in this? None.
He will bring you down with him.
I would suggest you get yourself to a shelter asap and cease any further contact.
The police will escort you back to get your things
Run, girl, run
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
You are being mentally and emotionally abused. Grabbing your hair like that is physical abuse. Sometimes verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse. You need help sister. Is there a domestic violence place you can contact? It's also possible your place of employment can assist you.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you're reaching out for support. What you describe of his behavior (trying to replace your reality with fabricated events, belittling your intelligence and sanity any time you speak up, controlling your ability to go out, etc.) isn't related to his drinking. It's a completely separate issue. His drinking may exacerbate it; it may give him an excuse to use later, but take away the drinking and you would still have a man who believes he has every right to hold all the cards in your relationship.
You mention gas-lighting, and I would agree. That is exactly what he's doing when he tries to convince you that events were different from what you know they were and then calling you crazy. It took me a long time to realize that's what AXH was doing to me.
You're not crazy. Quirky (and cool and awesome and amazing) is not crazy and I absolutely hate that he has taken away your joy in who you are. You got by just fine without him before and you are more than capable of doing so again. Even if you don't believe that right now, it's true. If you can act as if it's true whenever you find yourself doubting it, I'm positive that eventually you'll realize it IS true.
Please be gentle with yourself. It is not your fault that you didn't see this coming. You're not stupid. Abuse is not always blatant, especially at the start of a relationship. Abuse happens bit by bit. Small drop by small drop. Abusive partners are rarely abusive all the time. They're charming, attentive, they learn what you need and want. They learn and they dole out just enough to keep you around. They learn where they can step over the line just an almost-unnoticeable amount and then move that line.
AXH threatened suicide if I ever left - actually, he threatened a lot of things if I ever left. It's another attempt at control. If you want to leave and believe he will attempt suicide, leave and let a professional know about your concerns about his mental well-being. They're equipped to handle it.
A book that helped me understand a bit of the dynamics in the relationship with AXH - and helped me realize he was abusive (even though he never hit me) was "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. I found my first copy of it a the local library.
Even if physical attacks aren't something you fear from him, please stay safe. If you pull a copy of the book, don't leave it somewhere he'll find it. Be safe in your online posting and internet use when looking for support, as well. If / When you decide to leave research safety plans, and feel free to contact the local DV resources for assistance in planning to leave.
((((hugs)))) if OK.
You mention gas-lighting, and I would agree. That is exactly what he's doing when he tries to convince you that events were different from what you know they were and then calling you crazy. It took me a long time to realize that's what AXH was doing to me.
You're not crazy. Quirky (and cool and awesome and amazing) is not crazy and I absolutely hate that he has taken away your joy in who you are. You got by just fine without him before and you are more than capable of doing so again. Even if you don't believe that right now, it's true. If you can act as if it's true whenever you find yourself doubting it, I'm positive that eventually you'll realize it IS true.
Please be gentle with yourself. It is not your fault that you didn't see this coming. You're not stupid. Abuse is not always blatant, especially at the start of a relationship. Abuse happens bit by bit. Small drop by small drop. Abusive partners are rarely abusive all the time. They're charming, attentive, they learn what you need and want. They learn and they dole out just enough to keep you around. They learn where they can step over the line just an almost-unnoticeable amount and then move that line.
AXH threatened suicide if I ever left - actually, he threatened a lot of things if I ever left. It's another attempt at control. If you want to leave and believe he will attempt suicide, leave and let a professional know about your concerns about his mental well-being. They're equipped to handle it.
A book that helped me understand a bit of the dynamics in the relationship with AXH - and helped me realize he was abusive (even though he never hit me) was "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. I found my first copy of it a the local library.
Even if physical attacks aren't something you fear from him, please stay safe. If you pull a copy of the book, don't leave it somewhere he'll find it. Be safe in your online posting and internet use when looking for support, as well. If / When you decide to leave research safety plans, and feel free to contact the local DV resources for assistance in planning to leave.
((((hugs)))) if OK.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You can't control whether he threatens or stalks you after a breakup. You can control whether or not you make a plan to try to leave the relationship as safely as you can. Your local police department or the DV hotline will offer help and resources on how to do that.
He is physically abusive and makes you feel afraid. You're afraid of what he will do if you leave. You're afraid of what he will do if you stay. You don't have to live like this. It's far beyond detaching from someone with a drinking problem, the abusive and controlling behavior are an entirely separate issue from his substance abuse.
He is physically abusive and makes you feel afraid. You're afraid of what he will do if you leave. You're afraid of what he will do if you stay. You don't have to live like this. It's far beyond detaching from someone with a drinking problem, the abusive and controlling behavior are an entirely separate issue from his substance abuse.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
OK. It took me a long time to write and it cross-posted with your addendum and a few other posts.
I gently suggest making use of the local DV resources. If you're in the U.S., you could start with thehotline.org or 1.800.799.SAFE. Calling them (from a safe location) will not obligate you to do anything. They won't judge you and they won't tell you that you have to break it off. They will help by giving you information about resources at your disposal.
I understand feeling like telling security at work won't do anything, but it usually will. When I left AXH, I worked at a company where access into the building was controlled. Employees had badges to get through approved locked doors and visitors had to go through the front desk. I was certain telling security would do nothing more than make them think I was stupid at best and at worst would put our receptionists in danger. None of that was the case. Security was so supportive; they were able to sit and talk with me about what the options were at work. They also let me know what I should do each day as I left work (vary your route/time; try to head out with others; if I have to work late and I wasn't feeling safe to call and ask for an escort to my car, etc.) They let the front desk know that if Mr. TU showed up without anyone saying he was expected to ask him to wait and call them.
(BTW, none of what you added changes the fact that I think you're amazingly strong and quirky-cool to boot.)
I gently suggest making use of the local DV resources. If you're in the U.S., you could start with thehotline.org or 1.800.799.SAFE. Calling them (from a safe location) will not obligate you to do anything. They won't judge you and they won't tell you that you have to break it off. They will help by giving you information about resources at your disposal.
I understand feeling like telling security at work won't do anything, but it usually will. When I left AXH, I worked at a company where access into the building was controlled. Employees had badges to get through approved locked doors and visitors had to go through the front desk. I was certain telling security would do nothing more than make them think I was stupid at best and at worst would put our receptionists in danger. None of that was the case. Security was so supportive; they were able to sit and talk with me about what the options were at work. They also let me know what I should do each day as I left work (vary your route/time; try to head out with others; if I have to work late and I wasn't feeling safe to call and ask for an escort to my car, etc.) They let the front desk know that if Mr. TU showed up without anyone saying he was expected to ask him to wait and call them.
(BTW, none of what you added changes the fact that I think you're amazingly strong and quirky-cool to boot.)
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Angel,
What he is doing is typical for addictive behavior. You are not crazy, as he says.
You are 20 years old and you do not want to live like this for the rest of your life. I was 15 years old and very naive when I started dating my AXH. Boy do I wish I had your brains and awareness to get way, and not wait 34 years like I did.
Please get your stuff and get the hxll away from him. If you for any reason feel threatened, reach out to a friend or the police. I don't mean to scare you but please believe in your gut feels. When he is high, there is no accountability for an addict, so expecting that he "wouldn't /couldn't" do something, you are wrong. Addicts do things all the time that they later regret, but you can't turn back time.
Hugs my friend, keep reading and posting, there is a lot of help on this forum
What he is doing is typical for addictive behavior. You are not crazy, as he says.
You are 20 years old and you do not want to live like this for the rest of your life. I was 15 years old and very naive when I started dating my AXH. Boy do I wish I had your brains and awareness to get way, and not wait 34 years like I did.
Please get your stuff and get the hxll away from him. If you for any reason feel threatened, reach out to a friend or the police. I don't mean to scare you but please believe in your gut feels. When he is high, there is no accountability for an addict, so expecting that he "wouldn't /couldn't" do something, you are wrong. Addicts do things all the time that they later regret, but you can't turn back time.
Hugs my friend, keep reading and posting, there is a lot of help on this forum
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Maybe you think you posted this in the "wrong" forum but look at the benefit of also posting there.
Even us alcoholics/addicts are suggesting that you get out of this relationship immediately.
Even us alcoholics/addicts are suggesting that you get out of this relationship immediately.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Thank you all so much. The support from just this forum has provided the motivation to cut things off for good. A little update, after an argument last night I haven't heard from him since which is unusual because normally it would've been the same cycle as any other fight, the denial that anything is his fault, trying to see me again. I am hoping that he has taken the hint but I am also a little frightened if he is planning on something. Anyways, I am extremely grateful to everyone reaching out.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
alcoholics are harder to get rid of than you might imagine.
I suggest blocking him on your phone and social media, and being
strong if he tries to contact you again.
It is more likely he will than not, or he will stay silent
to manipulate you into worry / contact.
He's an adult and can take care of himself.
Wishing you well--you made a wise decision.
I suggest blocking him on your phone and social media, and being
strong if he tries to contact you again.
It is more likely he will than not, or he will stay silent
to manipulate you into worry / contact.
He's an adult and can take care of himself.
Wishing you well--you made a wise decision.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow. Just wow. You're getting some great advice here. The GOOD news is you really see what he's doing to you and know what he's capable of. IOW... your eyes are WIDE open. He may be quiet now, but I'm afraid that won't last. Don't be afraid to take out a RO on him to keep him away from you. Please stay away and SAFE!
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