Keep making mistakes
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Keep making mistakes
I keep making mistakes.
I keep admitting I make mistakes because I never seem to get things right where the relationship is concerned.
But are they actually mistakes or is it just that I can't reach her expectations of me?
Why do I constantly make mistakes? If I'm screwing up so often and so badly that can't be right can it?
How can you be loving and caring towards someone when you are running on empty? When the way they are behaving towards you is unpleasant and cold. When they say things that upset you or do things that upset you but they always have a reason for doing/saying those things and it usually boils down to being something you did in the past.
When they say "why can't you just love me" but the love you show them doesn't seem enough. You don't say the things they want to hear, maybe because that's just not who you are or maybe because the way you feel about them in the present doesn't allow you to.
I'm sorry I'm back again and I know I need to do something for myself. I have taken baby steps towards doing so. My codie book arrives on Monday, I'm reading the Wisdom of Groundhog day because that is what I'm stuck in.
I finally told one of my new friends that things weren't great at home (didn't give details) and she gave me a hug and said not to be alone and call if I needed to.
OH has been away a couple of days but is back and not in a great mood. Nothing I say helps she just says I'll hurt her again and why couldn't I give something to her if I loved her like I say I do, when she needed it.
I keep admitting I make mistakes because I never seem to get things right where the relationship is concerned.
But are they actually mistakes or is it just that I can't reach her expectations of me?
Why do I constantly make mistakes? If I'm screwing up so often and so badly that can't be right can it?
How can you be loving and caring towards someone when you are running on empty? When the way they are behaving towards you is unpleasant and cold. When they say things that upset you or do things that upset you but they always have a reason for doing/saying those things and it usually boils down to being something you did in the past.
When they say "why can't you just love me" but the love you show them doesn't seem enough. You don't say the things they want to hear, maybe because that's just not who you are or maybe because the way you feel about them in the present doesn't allow you to.
I'm sorry I'm back again and I know I need to do something for myself. I have taken baby steps towards doing so. My codie book arrives on Monday, I'm reading the Wisdom of Groundhog day because that is what I'm stuck in.
I finally told one of my new friends that things weren't great at home (didn't give details) and she gave me a hug and said not to be alone and call if I needed to.
OH has been away a couple of days but is back and not in a great mood. Nothing I say helps she just says I'll hurt her again and why couldn't I give something to her if I loved her like I say I do, when she needed it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You do what she says she wants, and then she moves the bar, Poppet.
I spent my entire childhood trying to make my alcoholic mother happy. I was 33 years old before I understood the basic principle that happiness comes from within, not from without. How could she accept love from me when deep down she felt she did not deserve it? It made her contemptuous of me because how stupid did I have to be to love her even though she was clearly the worst person in the world? The more she pushed me away, the more I pursued, certain that I could twist myself into a lovable, happy-making shape for her. The more she resented me, the more I needed her validation. And on and on and on. When I left home, I repeated this pattern in my romantic relationship. Surely someone out there could prove to me I was lovable? When they didn't, I became the very thing that had been modeled for me. I became convinced that *I* was the worst person in the world, undeserving of healthy love, trust, respect, or affection. It took me imploding my own first marriage to a very nice man for me to understand that until I learned to love myself, just me, not as Someone's Daughter or Someone's Wife, that I would never be able to accept love into my life from the outside.
None of my mother's original unhappiness, you understand, had anything to do with me. But I inherited it, because it was familiar, and constantly present in my home. Your children are in danger of inheriting this same thing.
We cannot fix other people. We can only fix ourselves. It was my mother's job to make herself happy. It is my job to make me happy.
It is your partner's job to make herself happy. It is your job to make yourself happy.
Until you accept this, I believe you will continue to post this same thing over and over again.
And every time, I will answer that you deserve better than what you are settling for. Even if you cannot see it right now.
I spent my entire childhood trying to make my alcoholic mother happy. I was 33 years old before I understood the basic principle that happiness comes from within, not from without. How could she accept love from me when deep down she felt she did not deserve it? It made her contemptuous of me because how stupid did I have to be to love her even though she was clearly the worst person in the world? The more she pushed me away, the more I pursued, certain that I could twist myself into a lovable, happy-making shape for her. The more she resented me, the more I needed her validation. And on and on and on. When I left home, I repeated this pattern in my romantic relationship. Surely someone out there could prove to me I was lovable? When they didn't, I became the very thing that had been modeled for me. I became convinced that *I* was the worst person in the world, undeserving of healthy love, trust, respect, or affection. It took me imploding my own first marriage to a very nice man for me to understand that until I learned to love myself, just me, not as Someone's Daughter or Someone's Wife, that I would never be able to accept love into my life from the outside.
None of my mother's original unhappiness, you understand, had anything to do with me. But I inherited it, because it was familiar, and constantly present in my home. Your children are in danger of inheriting this same thing.
We cannot fix other people. We can only fix ourselves. It was my mother's job to make herself happy. It is my job to make me happy.
It is your partner's job to make herself happy. It is your job to make yourself happy.
Until you accept this, I believe you will continue to post this same thing over and over again.
And every time, I will answer that you deserve better than what you are settling for. Even if you cannot see it right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Poppet35 
I keep making mistakes.
I keep admitting I make mistakes because I never seem to get things right where the relationship is concerned.
But are they actually mistakes or is it just that I can't reach her expectations of me?
Why do I constantly make mistakes? If I'm screwing up so often and so badly that can't be right can it?
How can you be loving and caring towards someone when you are running on empty? When the way they are behaving towards you is unpleasant and cold. When they say things that upset you or do things that upset you but they always have a reason for doing/saying those things and it usually boils down to being something you did in the past.
When they say "why can't you just love me" but the love you show them doesn't seem enough. You don't say the things they want to hear, maybe because that's just not who you are or maybe because the way you feel about them in the present doesn't allow you to.
I'm sorry I'm back again and I know I need to do something for myself. I have taken baby steps towards doing so. My codie book arrives on Monday, I'm reading the Wisdom of Groundhog day because that is what I'm stuck in.
I finally told one of my new friends that things weren't great at home (didn't give details) and she gave me a hug and said not to be alone and call if I needed to.
OH has been away a couple of days but is back and not in a great mood. Nothing I say helps she just says I'll hurt her again and why couldn't I give something to her if I loved her like I say I do, when she needed it.
I keep admitting I make mistakes because I never seem to get things right where the relationship is concerned.
But are they actually mistakes or is it just that I can't reach her expectations of me?
Why do I constantly make mistakes? If I'm screwing up so often and so badly that can't be right can it?
How can you be loving and caring towards someone when you are running on empty? When the way they are behaving towards you is unpleasant and cold. When they say things that upset you or do things that upset you but they always have a reason for doing/saying those things and it usually boils down to being something you did in the past.
When they say "why can't you just love me" but the love you show them doesn't seem enough. You don't say the things they want to hear, maybe because that's just not who you are or maybe because the way you feel about them in the present doesn't allow you to.
I'm sorry I'm back again and I know I need to do something for myself. I have taken baby steps towards doing so. My codie book arrives on Monday, I'm reading the Wisdom of Groundhog day because that is what I'm stuck in.
I finally told one of my new friends that things weren't great at home (didn't give details) and she gave me a hug and said not to be alone and call if I needed to.
OH has been away a couple of days but is back and not in a great mood. Nothing I say helps she just says I'll hurt her again and why couldn't I give something to her if I loved her like I say I do, when she needed it.
I felt the exact same way when I was with my AXBF. Like I was always making mistakes. I couldn't ever meet his expectations of me and our relationship. I beat myself up over it hard. But, I began realizing I wasn't the only one in this relationship and it wasn't all my fault. Please don't put the blame all on you. I know it's hard, but it's not your fault.
"How can you be loving and caring toward someone when you're running on empty".... I know exactly what you mean. My AXBF (only been 1 1/2 months) drained the life, love, happiness etc out of me. And I'm just now realizing to what extent. I tried, I really did, to show him love all the time. Some days I was just so exhausted mentally and emotionally or frustrated that it was difficult. And he took that as "you don't love me anymore." Which was absolutely not true. I loved/love him so much.
"When they say 'why can't you just love me' but the love you show just doesn't seem to be enough"......I understand this feeling completely. I felt like no matter what I did or what I said it wasn't enough/good enough or the correct thing to say/do. I honestly don't think anything I could have said or done to show my love would have ever been enough for him. He's got it all twisted up in his head.
I just hope and pray that one day he'll get it and seek the help he needs. Not only am I having to deal with a breakup after 5 years together, I have to deal with the worry and sadness and everything else that goes along with loving an addict. I was mentally and emotionally drained toward the end with him. And I'm still emotionally and mentally drained without him.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
As long as you continue to allow her to blame it all on you, she will continue to play the game. It is impossible for you to do anything right in her eyes, that way the focus stays on you and she gets to put the blame on you for everything. This is what addicts do, they comb your side of the street for crimes, they take others inventories and keep a list so that whenever they are confronted with a wrong doing on their part they throw the ball right back at you and insist that you are the one. If you watch it, you will see it.
Detachment is the tool I have mastered with all the addicts in my life, I step outside of the circle and look at it with fresh eyes. I had to learn to look after myself, and be the person I really was then rather than allow them to project themselves on to me.
Detachment is the tool I have mastered with all the addicts in my life, I step outside of the circle and look at it with fresh eyes. I had to learn to look after myself, and be the person I really was then rather than allow them to project themselves on to me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Poppet,
You have been coming for about 6 months now. I am so grateful that you keep coming back. One day, one sentence or word will hit you and the light bulb will go off for you and your life will change my friend!!
You are seeing the pattern with "all" of our addicts. We can "never" truly please them because that is impossible. Addicts are very lonely, self centered people. They are always looking for someone to blame for their misery. It is part of the alcoholism "story".
Are recognizing that she controls your day? Her good day, your good day. Her bad day your bad day. Are recognizing that this is not healthy? Someone said to me years ago, you should never love someone more then yourself. I did that with my addict for 34 excruciating years, beating my head against the wall trying to keep him calm, protect him so he doesn't get angry and everything else, just to put a smile on his face. What I didn't realize was that even if I handed him a million dollars, he could never be happy. It would always be something else wrong. It is an impossible feet trying to "keep" an addict happy.
Keep posting Poppett, we are always here for you when ever you need us!!
You have been coming for about 6 months now. I am so grateful that you keep coming back. One day, one sentence or word will hit you and the light bulb will go off for you and your life will change my friend!!
You are seeing the pattern with "all" of our addicts. We can "never" truly please them because that is impossible. Addicts are very lonely, self centered people. They are always looking for someone to blame for their misery. It is part of the alcoholism "story".
Are recognizing that she controls your day? Her good day, your good day. Her bad day your bad day. Are recognizing that this is not healthy? Someone said to me years ago, you should never love someone more then yourself. I did that with my addict for 34 excruciating years, beating my head against the wall trying to keep him calm, protect him so he doesn't get angry and everything else, just to put a smile on his face. What I didn't realize was that even if I handed him a million dollars, he could never be happy. It would always be something else wrong. It is an impossible feet trying to "keep" an addict happy.
Keep posting Poppett, we are always here for you when ever you need us!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by maia1234
Poppet,
You have been coming for about 6 months now. I am so grateful that you keep coming back. One day, one sentence or word will hit you and the light bulb will go off for you and your life will change my friend!!
You are seeing the pattern with "all" of our addicts. We can "never" truly please them because that is impossible. Addicts are very lonely, self centered people. They are always looking for someone to blame for their misery. It is part of the alcoholism "story".
Are recognizing that she controls your day? Her good day, your good day. Her bad day your bad day. Are recognizing that this is not healthy? Someone said to me years ago, you should never love someone more then yourself. I did that with my addict for 34 excruciating years, beating my head against the wall trying to keep him calm, protect him so he doesn't get angry and everything else, just to put a smile on his face. What I didn't realize was that even if I handed him a million dollars, he could never be happy. It would always be something else wrong. It is an impossible feet trying to "keep" an addict happy.
Keep posting Poppett, we are always here for you when ever you need us!!
You have been coming for about 6 months now. I am so grateful that you keep coming back. One day, one sentence or word will hit you and the light bulb will go off for you and your life will change my friend!!
You are seeing the pattern with "all" of our addicts. We can "never" truly please them because that is impossible. Addicts are very lonely, self centered people. They are always looking for someone to blame for their misery. It is part of the alcoholism "story".
Are recognizing that she controls your day? Her good day, your good day. Her bad day your bad day. Are recognizing that this is not healthy? Someone said to me years ago, you should never love someone more then yourself. I did that with my addict for 34 excruciating years, beating my head against the wall trying to keep him calm, protect him so he doesn't get angry and everything else, just to put a smile on his face. What I didn't realize was that even if I handed him a million dollars, he could never be happy. It would always be something else wrong. It is an impossible feet trying to "keep" an addict happy.
Keep posting Poppett, we are always here for you when ever you need us!!
I did the same thing as you. Always trying to keep him calm and protect him. Trying to make him happy in some way. It became exhausting mentally and emotionally.
And HE is the one who left ME. It's only been a month and a half but it feels like forever. He is seeing someone already. And has been for weeks. And I'm certain they were talking while we were still together. And now I'm left to pick up the pieces and put myself back together again. I'm in therapy now and will hopefully be able to understand some of my issues. I never want to experience anything like this again.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
xraychick,
Good for you for recognizing this. You are not alone, we all have gone through this. I hate to say hon, he Gifted you when he walked out the door. You didn't have to make that agonizing decision to leave this "poor" addict who needs you.
Us codies, can't comprehend addiction and what it does to people. But in the long run we are the lucky ones. I never thought I could do it, but I did. I bought a home and renovated some of it. I have a good job with benefits. I have a great relationship with my kids. My AXH doesn't have a job, or money. He is absolutely miserable and my kids really can't deal with him.
Keep up with all the hard work you are putting into your recovery my friend. You are a strong brave women, and can do anything you set your mind too!!
Good for you for recognizing this. You are not alone, we all have gone through this. I hate to say hon, he Gifted you when he walked out the door. You didn't have to make that agonizing decision to leave this "poor" addict who needs you.
Us codies, can't comprehend addiction and what it does to people. But in the long run we are the lucky ones. I never thought I could do it, but I did. I bought a home and renovated some of it. I have a good job with benefits. I have a great relationship with my kids. My AXH doesn't have a job, or money. He is absolutely miserable and my kids really can't deal with him.
Keep up with all the hard work you are putting into your recovery my friend. You are a strong brave women, and can do anything you set your mind too!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by maia1234
xraychick,
Good for you for recognizing this. You are not alone, we all have gone through this. I hate to say hon, he Gifted you when he walked out the door. You didn't have to make that agonizing decision to leave this "poor" addict who needs you.
Us codies, can't comprehend addiction and what it does to people. But in the long run we are the lucky ones. I never thought I could do it, but I did. I bought a home and renovated some of it. I have a good job with benefits. I have a great relationship with my kids. My AXH doesn't have a job, or money. He is absolutely miserable and my kids really can't deal with him.
Keep up with all the hard work you are putting into your recovery my friend. You are a strong brave women, and can do anything you set your mind too!!
Good for you for recognizing this. You are not alone, we all have gone through this. I hate to say hon, he Gifted you when he walked out the door. You didn't have to make that agonizing decision to leave this "poor" addict who needs you.
Us codies, can't comprehend addiction and what it does to people. But in the long run we are the lucky ones. I never thought I could do it, but I did. I bought a home and renovated some of it. I have a good job with benefits. I have a great relationship with my kids. My AXH doesn't have a job, or money. He is absolutely miserable and my kids really can't deal with him.
Keep up with all the hard work you are putting into your recovery my friend. You are a strong brave women, and can do anything you set your mind too!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
This really strikes a chord with me too. I'm starting to cry right now, thinking of all the ways I drove myself crazy trying to be what he wanted me to be, say what he needed to hear... It was never enough.
I was always doing something "wrong". Oh my gosh, I tried so hard with my now separated AH, to make him happy in the beginning... until I came here, and eventually realized that no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough.
He just never "felt the love" as much as he wanted to from me.
When he got sober for a while, and he was "trying to be better for me and for us" I heard from him many times that he didn't know what he was even trying for, because I wasn't putting in any effort, or trying to make anything better. That was probably the most infuriating of all to me. All I did, and he couldn't even acknowledge that I was "putting in any effort."
I still don't know what it was that he expected from me exactly
But I think, even though I did/do love him very much, it is hard to show that love when you are running on empty, like you said, and you just aren't feeling it in the moment.
There were many times I would initiate affection, or try to do something that he would find to be caring or thoughtful to show him my "love" right after he had yelled at me or verbally assaulted me or worse. I wasn't feeling the love at those moments, but I tried anyway, so he wouldn't be angry anymore, and would be happy with me, and well, I guess in reality I was just faking it in those moments.
It's exhausting
I was always doing something "wrong". Oh my gosh, I tried so hard with my now separated AH, to make him happy in the beginning... until I came here, and eventually realized that no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough.
He just never "felt the love" as much as he wanted to from me.
When he got sober for a while, and he was "trying to be better for me and for us" I heard from him many times that he didn't know what he was even trying for, because I wasn't putting in any effort, or trying to make anything better. That was probably the most infuriating of all to me. All I did, and he couldn't even acknowledge that I was "putting in any effort."
I still don't know what it was that he expected from me exactly
But I think, even though I did/do love him very much, it is hard to show that love when you are running on empty, like you said, and you just aren't feeling it in the moment.
There were many times I would initiate affection, or try to do something that he would find to be caring or thoughtful to show him my "love" right after he had yelled at me or verbally assaulted me or worse. I wasn't feeling the love at those moments, but I tried anyway, so he wouldn't be angry anymore, and would be happy with me, and well, I guess in reality I was just faking it in those moments.
It's exhausting
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by xraychick01
Mine was unemployed more than he was employed during the 5 years we were together. He's gotten himself into such a financial mess over the years. He has lots of debt and has a hard time covering all his bills even when he does work. Mine doesn't have a place of his own or any money either. He basically has to find someone who is willing to "help" him financially. He can't contribute to rent, utilities, cable, food etc. I wonder how long it will last when this twice divorced mother of two (from two different men) who is a nail tech finds out this information. No way in heck she can support her family of three plus him. What a joke. And I put up with that?!
it was useless for him to give me any money to go toward bills, because he always ended up having to ask me for it back in the next day or two anyway.
It makes me so angry when I think of how much debt I am in now, (mostly)because of him. But I allowed it. I put up with it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Kboys
This really strikes a chord with me too. I'm starting to cry right now, thinking of all the ways I drove myself crazy trying to be what he wanted me to be, say what he needed to hear... It was never enough.
I was always doing something "wrong". Oh my gosh, I tried so hard with my now separated AH, to make him happy in the beginning... until I came here, and eventually realized that no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough.
He just never "felt the love" as much as he wanted to from me.
When he got sober for a while, and he was "trying to be better for me and for us" I heard from him many times that he didn't know what he was even trying for, because I wasn't putting in any effort, or trying to make anything better. That was probably the most infuriating of all to me. All I did, and he couldn't even acknowledge that I was "putting in any effort."
I still don't know what it was that he expected from me exactly
But I think, even though I did/do love him very much, it is hard to show that love when you are running on empty, like you said, and you just aren't feeling it in the moment.
There were many times I would initiate affection, or try to do something that he would find to be caring or thoughtful to show him my "love" right after he had yelled at me or verbally assaulted me or worse. I wasn't feeling the love at those moments, but I tried anyway, so he wouldn't be angry anymore, and would be happy with me, and well, I guess in reality I was just faking it in those moments.
It's exhausting
I was always doing something "wrong". Oh my gosh, I tried so hard with my now separated AH, to make him happy in the beginning... until I came here, and eventually realized that no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough.
He just never "felt the love" as much as he wanted to from me.
When he got sober for a while, and he was "trying to be better for me and for us" I heard from him many times that he didn't know what he was even trying for, because I wasn't putting in any effort, or trying to make anything better. That was probably the most infuriating of all to me. All I did, and he couldn't even acknowledge that I was "putting in any effort."
I still don't know what it was that he expected from me exactly
But I think, even though I did/do love him very much, it is hard to show that love when you are running on empty, like you said, and you just aren't feeling it in the moment.
There were many times I would initiate affection, or try to do something that he would find to be caring or thoughtful to show him my "love" right after he had yelled at me or verbally assaulted me or worse. I wasn't feeling the love at those moments, but I tried anyway, so he wouldn't be angry anymore, and would be happy with me, and well, I guess in reality I was just faking it in those moments.
It's exhausting
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Kboys
Sounds just like mine! Even when he was working, he had so many fines to pay, court mandated classes to pay for, on top of his alcohol, cigarette, marijuana, RockStar habits...
it was useless for him to give me any money to go toward bills, because he always ended up having to ask me for it back in the next day or two anyway.
It makes me so angry when I think of how much debt I am in now, (mostly)because of him. But I allowed it. I put up with it.
it was useless for him to give me any money to go toward bills, because he always ended up having to ask me for it back in the next day or two anyway.
It makes me so angry when I think of how much debt I am in now, (mostly)because of him. But I allowed it. I put up with it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Woodlands, TX
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by Kboys
But I think, even though I did/do love him very much, it is hard to show that love when you are running on empty, like you said, and you just aren't feeling it in the moment.
There were many times I would initiate affection, or try to do something that he would find to be caring or thoughtful to show him my "love" right after he had yelled at me or verbally assaulted me or worse. I wasn't feeling the love at those moments, but I tried anyway, so he wouldn't be angry anymore, and would be happy with me, and well, I guess in reality I was just faking it in those moments.
It's exhausting
I love SR and reading all the stories that are so similar to mine and knowing I'm not alone. Thank you to everyone!
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