Manipulation--Addiction's most powerful tool
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Manipulation--Addiction's most powerful tool
Most people I meet are kind-hearted, compassionate, and loving members of this human family. So when we love someone who struggles with addiction, this compassionate nature compels us to try anything and everything we can to help.
Early in this dance with an addicted loved one, we have hope. When our loved one shows even the smallest signs of wanting to recover, we are overjoyed! We forgive and forget all about the bad behavior, the ugly language, the name calling, the abandonment we felt when the DOC was pursued to the ends of the earth and we were ignored, passed over, disregarded, disrespected, or even abused.
Then it happens again, a binge, the old pattern of drinking/using...we are stunned, and yet we forgive and forget again when we hear that sweet language of "I'm sorry! I won't ever drink/use again!" because "it was just a slip, he/she really means it this time!" And life may go on fairly well for a while.
Then it happens again, another slip, another binge, the return of the same old pattern of drinking/using and behavior. Now, we are more cautious. We aren't really sure about our hope and about our loved one. We begin to wonder whether or not things will ever really change.
But we feel that we must be good and forgiving and loving, that it is our job, our role in life to always be supportive no matter what. Thoughts like "How could I push him/her out of my life when he/she needs me so much!" constantly run through our minds. And so we continue to allow our addicted loved one to be part of our lives even part of our homes.
Now, we have trained our loved one that whatever they do to us or against us is OK. We will always let them back into our life no matter what. We will always provide them with a soft place to land, clean up after their messes, fix their mistakes, give them money, food, shelter, clothing, take care of their every need--because that is what loving, forgiving, compassionate, helpful people do, right?
Now our compassion begins to be used against us as a weapon and a tool by the master manipulator--addiction, in order to keep us in our role as enabler, fixer, helper. Many of us have been told that:
- "You are abandoning me when I need you most!" (This is the one that probably hurts people the most.)
- "Alcoholism is a disease, like cancer. If I had cancer, you wouldn't leave me!" (This is one of my personal favorites.)
- "You make me drink because you are so (fill in the blank)."
- "You are just living in the past. Why can't you get over this and move on." (Usually when they have stopped drinking for about one or two days and have 'seen the light').
- "Everyone says they want to help me, but no one will actually do anything!" (Personal experience here with my stepson.)
All of these statements, and the many others that we hear from our loved ones in active addiction, are meant to hurt us, to get a reaction out of us--they know it. They are designed specifically to get us to conform to the desires of the addiction. None of these statements are true.
- Active addiction takes our loved ones from us. They are the ones who abandon family and friends in pursuit of their drug of choice. Active addiction excludes relationships with other people.
- Cancer would not cause you to ignore your relationships and treat people abusively.
- I have lived with my family, college roommates, roommates right out of college, and it's funny that none of them needed to drink to spend time with me. And if I were so powerful that I cause you to drink, then I would be equally powerful in my ability to get you to stop.
- If an alcoholic/addict has been in recovery for more than one year with a strong program and hopeful signs that it will continue, and I were still throwing up the past in his/her face, then I would agree. Otherwise, I have a right to be cautious. I always have a right to be hurt by the hurtful things that someone else has done to me.
- Help to my stepson meant he wanted us to pay for a place to live, food, clothes, cable TV, phone, car, and spending money. It had nothing to do with what was actually best for him in the long-run--learning to take care of himself.
Speaking for myself, it was hard to learn not to react to these manipulative statements, but I did learn to not react. I learned to think, consider, come to my own conclusions and decide how I would respond, if at all, to any manipulations thrown my way. It is a process that takes time, and I still have to work at it today.
Wishing everyone a bit of peace in the valley today!
S
Early in this dance with an addicted loved one, we have hope. When our loved one shows even the smallest signs of wanting to recover, we are overjoyed! We forgive and forget all about the bad behavior, the ugly language, the name calling, the abandonment we felt when the DOC was pursued to the ends of the earth and we were ignored, passed over, disregarded, disrespected, or even abused.
Then it happens again, a binge, the old pattern of drinking/using...we are stunned, and yet we forgive and forget again when we hear that sweet language of "I'm sorry! I won't ever drink/use again!" because "it was just a slip, he/she really means it this time!" And life may go on fairly well for a while.
Then it happens again, another slip, another binge, the return of the same old pattern of drinking/using and behavior. Now, we are more cautious. We aren't really sure about our hope and about our loved one. We begin to wonder whether or not things will ever really change.
But we feel that we must be good and forgiving and loving, that it is our job, our role in life to always be supportive no matter what. Thoughts like "How could I push him/her out of my life when he/she needs me so much!" constantly run through our minds. And so we continue to allow our addicted loved one to be part of our lives even part of our homes.
Now, we have trained our loved one that whatever they do to us or against us is OK. We will always let them back into our life no matter what. We will always provide them with a soft place to land, clean up after their messes, fix their mistakes, give them money, food, shelter, clothing, take care of their every need--because that is what loving, forgiving, compassionate, helpful people do, right?
Now our compassion begins to be used against us as a weapon and a tool by the master manipulator--addiction, in order to keep us in our role as enabler, fixer, helper. Many of us have been told that:
- "You are abandoning me when I need you most!" (This is the one that probably hurts people the most.)
- "Alcoholism is a disease, like cancer. If I had cancer, you wouldn't leave me!" (This is one of my personal favorites.)
- "You make me drink because you are so (fill in the blank)."
- "You are just living in the past. Why can't you get over this and move on." (Usually when they have stopped drinking for about one or two days and have 'seen the light').
- "Everyone says they want to help me, but no one will actually do anything!" (Personal experience here with my stepson.)
All of these statements, and the many others that we hear from our loved ones in active addiction, are meant to hurt us, to get a reaction out of us--they know it. They are designed specifically to get us to conform to the desires of the addiction. None of these statements are true.
- Active addiction takes our loved ones from us. They are the ones who abandon family and friends in pursuit of their drug of choice. Active addiction excludes relationships with other people.
- Cancer would not cause you to ignore your relationships and treat people abusively.
- I have lived with my family, college roommates, roommates right out of college, and it's funny that none of them needed to drink to spend time with me. And if I were so powerful that I cause you to drink, then I would be equally powerful in my ability to get you to stop.
- If an alcoholic/addict has been in recovery for more than one year with a strong program and hopeful signs that it will continue, and I were still throwing up the past in his/her face, then I would agree. Otherwise, I have a right to be cautious. I always have a right to be hurt by the hurtful things that someone else has done to me.
- Help to my stepson meant he wanted us to pay for a place to live, food, clothes, cable TV, phone, car, and spending money. It had nothing to do with what was actually best for him in the long-run--learning to take care of himself.
Speaking for myself, it was hard to learn not to react to these manipulative statements, but I did learn to not react. I learned to think, consider, come to my own conclusions and decide how I would respond, if at all, to any manipulations thrown my way. It is a process that takes time, and I still have to work at it today.
Wishing everyone a bit of peace in the valley today!
S
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Thank you Seren. Absolutely sums up what the last few years of my marriage to an alcoholic man consisted of. I heard every one of those manipulative statements and several more as well. Allowing myself to fall for those words did a whole lot of damage to my psyche, but I'm proud to say I managed to get away and get healthy and strong again. It wasn't easy but it is worth it.
Hang in there newcommers... it gets better! I promise!
Hang in there newcommers... it gets better! I promise!
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That's absolutely it. How do we handle the manipulation as the loving and compassionate people that we are? This is my biggest struggle. My nature is to be good and loving and compassionate, but the A in my life tests that so that even when he comes back after a binge, I struggle to halt that love and compassion because it is so much a part of my nature.
Even now I struggle because he is back from his binge and my heart is actually aching for him. I see him downtrodden and scared about what is happening and all that he is losing (including me...but how can I live like this anymore?). My Abf thankfully does recognize that all of this is his fault and doesn't blame me.
My biggest struggle with the "cancer" argument is that alcoholism is almost like a mental illness. But at the same time, do we keep excusing people who treat us badly even if they are mentally ill? At some point, in moments of sobriety - if the A is capable enough of taking care of other things in his life, is he just as able to treat his mental illness/addiction? As my sister once said, if a murderer killed people because he was mentally ill or abused as a young boy, would you stay with him because he was sick? Would you not allow him to face consequences because he can't help he is a murderer?
Even now I struggle because he is back from his binge and my heart is actually aching for him. I see him downtrodden and scared about what is happening and all that he is losing (including me...but how can I live like this anymore?). My Abf thankfully does recognize that all of this is his fault and doesn't blame me.
My biggest struggle with the "cancer" argument is that alcoholism is almost like a mental illness. But at the same time, do we keep excusing people who treat us badly even if they are mentally ill? At some point, in moments of sobriety - if the A is capable enough of taking care of other things in his life, is he just as able to treat his mental illness/addiction? As my sister once said, if a murderer killed people because he was mentally ill or abused as a young boy, would you stay with him because he was sick? Would you not allow him to face consequences because he can't help he is a murderer?
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I agree, Smarie. I don't think of the 'cancer' argument as a valid comparison. Not at all. It is, however, frequently something that active addicts, or those playing around at recovery, will latch onto as an argument to get their enabler to stay.
We, the compassionate, caring people that we are, are often caught by the 'cancer' argument and the follow up "You don't love me" (another real zinger).
Love is something that I'm sure I see differently than many people. Love is not all hearts and rosebuds and warm, tingly feelings. Love is action. It is the determination to work for the good of the beloved.
But what is good for an active alcoholic? Over the years, I have learned that for someone deep in addiction, they are absolutely terrified to stop. It is literally the most painful thing in their world to think about dealing with the realities of life without their comforting, numbing friend--their drug of choice (DOC). However, if the consequences of their actions become more painful than the thought of not drinking/using anymore, they might be motivated to quit. If our compassion drives us to continue to do, fix, comfort, let slide, all of the unacceptable actions of someone in active addiction--we remove that potential motivation for them to finally stop. It took practice and experience for Mr. Seren and I to reach the point where we would no longer react immediately to whatever catastrophe my stepson had managed to get into, but we did make it.
Sadly, in the case of my stepson, he is still actively drinking and has now added Heroin to the mix. He also has a new enabler on the hook...and so we wait and hope and pray that somehow, he will pull himself out of this--and we tell him we love him when we can.
We, the compassionate, caring people that we are, are often caught by the 'cancer' argument and the follow up "You don't love me" (another real zinger).
Love is something that I'm sure I see differently than many people. Love is not all hearts and rosebuds and warm, tingly feelings. Love is action. It is the determination to work for the good of the beloved.
But what is good for an active alcoholic? Over the years, I have learned that for someone deep in addiction, they are absolutely terrified to stop. It is literally the most painful thing in their world to think about dealing with the realities of life without their comforting, numbing friend--their drug of choice (DOC). However, if the consequences of their actions become more painful than the thought of not drinking/using anymore, they might be motivated to quit. If our compassion drives us to continue to do, fix, comfort, let slide, all of the unacceptable actions of someone in active addiction--we remove that potential motivation for them to finally stop. It took practice and experience for Mr. Seren and I to reach the point where we would no longer react immediately to whatever catastrophe my stepson had managed to get into, but we did make it.
Sadly, in the case of my stepson, he is still actively drinking and has now added Heroin to the mix. He also has a new enabler on the hook...and so we wait and hope and pray that somehow, he will pull himself out of this--and we tell him we love him when we can.
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I have not been on here in awhile, but somehow felt compelled to check in today. Seren, seeing your post is a God thing for me...it's the reason I needed to log on. Since my beloved Dad died a year ago, I have been through the wringer with my A brother. Numerous relapses, having to get a court order to protect my Mom. Rescuing when he was critically ill from drinking, paying for extended stay so he could recover. Paying bills, letting him stay with me until he found an apt, paying for his moving expenses. Yada Yada Yada. He doesn't have a kind word to say about me, disappears for days/weeks when he is drinking. Manipulation is his weapon to pull me back again and again. It has been a brutal decision to let him go, as a Christian you want to help. But I have come to realize I need to respect his choice as an adult to follow this path....and I need to get out of his way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
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Hi Recovering2,
It's funny, but I don't really know what compelled me to write that today, either.
I am so sorry to hear about your brother. My sister, in recovery for years, but was an active alcoholic and powder cocaine addict.
I understand how brutal it is for us to let go of our loved ones in active addiction. It is so very painful. But for the good of our own sanity and peace, and for the potential long-term good of the addict--letting go is sometimes the best thing to do.
Your brother will be in my prayers.
It's funny, but I don't really know what compelled me to write that today, either.
I am so sorry to hear about your brother. My sister, in recovery for years, but was an active alcoholic and powder cocaine addict.
I understand how brutal it is for us to let go of our loved ones in active addiction. It is so very painful. But for the good of our own sanity and peace, and for the potential long-term good of the addict--letting go is sometimes the best thing to do.
Your brother will be in my prayers.
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The thing about the cancer argument.....I know how I would respond to the A in my life if he said that. I'd probably say well a non-terminal cancer patient who isn't going to treatment like radiation/ chemo or surgery, is looking to stay sick.
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It is just another manipulative tool, Natasha.
When my stepson was drinking and using crack, the whole family was wrapped up in his drama. My stepson had used his sister's guilt and compassion against her so often in his sick game to keep her as his pawn, that she literally became physically ill. It was her putting her foot down to save herself that was the last thing my late husband needed to accept that letting his son go was our only remaining option.
Sometimes manipulation is hard to recognize at first, but it becomes easier with time and practice. Although life has not been all roses and sunshine for us, we have had far more peace now that we no longer have a front-row seat to my stepson's addiction. His self-manufactured crises no longer consume our every waking moment.
When my stepson was drinking and using crack, the whole family was wrapped up in his drama. My stepson had used his sister's guilt and compassion against her so often in his sick game to keep her as his pawn, that she literally became physically ill. It was her putting her foot down to save herself that was the last thing my late husband needed to accept that letting his son go was our only remaining option.
Sometimes manipulation is hard to recognize at first, but it becomes easier with time and practice. Although life has not been all roses and sunshine for us, we have had far more peace now that we no longer have a front-row seat to my stepson's addiction. His self-manufactured crises no longer consume our every waking moment.
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My soon to be EXAW has been a master manipulator. After she left me I filed for divorce. She has now tried to turn it around and claim I am kicking her to the curb. The manipulation is just part of alcoholism and I am so happy to be breaking free of it.
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Originally Posted by Seren 
If an alcoholic/addict has been in recovery for more than one year with a strong program and hopeful signs that it will continue, and I were still throwing up the past in his/her face, then I would agree. Otherwise, I have a right to be cautious. I always have a right to be hurt by the hurtful things that someone else has done to me.
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Smarie, from what I've seen he has ZERO interest in changing. What in the world makes you think you should be looking for "progress"? Other than a progression in his drinking, that is. You can watch and wait until the cows come home. He's given no indication he is contemplating or making the slightest effort to change. You are simply in the resting period between binges. The binges are likely to become longer, and the resting periods shorter, as time goes by. But even if he stays at the present pattern of drinking, how long are you willing to endure it?
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I can't anymore Lexie. I feel like those women who stay in abusive relationships despite factual evidence. In my heart I do not believe he will change so in that regard, I have given up hope.. And truth be told, I am terrified of the next binge because it will come. But I feel scared to leave. He is staying with me until December because I let him when he asked me - after he was kicked out of his apartment and didn't have money to move. I was adamant that I would not allow him to live with me for several reasons, but it's as though he slowly began moving in months ago (leaving more and more items behind) and next thing I knew he never left.
I just feel like at some point, I lost my voice. I need to get my strength back.
I just feel like at some point, I lost my voice. I need to get my strength back.
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I am brand new to SR - and finding this post yesterday was like reading my own journal. It's amazing, empowering, comforting and eye-opening that others are sharing the exact same feelings as me. Thank you for posting that right when I needed it, Seren.
I have lots of catching up to do around here, but this was a great place to start!
I have lots of catching up to do around here, but this was a great place to start!
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Funny, this is my first time I've looked at this section of SR. (I've been on this site a long time, too)
The reason I looked on here at all is that I'm dealing with someone who is really manipulating me. So, this is perfect. I hadn't considered it manipulating but much of your post applies.
This (EX)boyfriend has been rude, disrespectful, ignored me....and for some reason I've put up with it. I can't even acknowledge this to my best friends because they'd think I'm crazy for allowing it.
I'd be furious if I found someone was treating my daughter, friend, etc. that way.
And, today was (another) final straw. I'm hoping I don't give in again - this gives me some hope that I'll remember this behavior in two weeks.
The reason I looked on here at all is that I'm dealing with someone who is really manipulating me. So, this is perfect. I hadn't considered it manipulating but much of your post applies.
This (EX)boyfriend has been rude, disrespectful, ignored me....and for some reason I've put up with it. I can't even acknowledge this to my best friends because they'd think I'm crazy for allowing it.
I'd be furious if I found someone was treating my daughter, friend, etc. that way.
And, today was (another) final straw. I'm hoping I don't give in again - this gives me some hope that I'll remember this behavior in two weeks.
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mine mine mine me me me I have to have or I will make your life miseable...... in the tiny house we just moved into.. he has managed to make it impossible to sit anywhere.. and yet we have to have a brand new couch for the second floor.... kids the back door is 6 foot tall and 2 foot wide.. the little stairs that go up from the backdoor have a 6 foot tall height and 3 foot wide width... you are at the top and have 4 feet sq to turn to your left to the kitchen or turn right to the hang up your coat and then 2 feet to turn and go up the stairs to the 2nd floor... narrow bendy and dark for 9 stairs turning and 9 stairs straight up. with a height of about 7 foot above you...
I have 2 feet in 3 directions to turn in my kitchen carefully go to the fridge... opening the door and backing up with it.. 5 inches to around the door to the inside.. get your item carefully back around to shut the door. stove 1 foot away.. back around to the sink ..... I am in a shoe box that Ed is getting tighter every day with smaller space.. and he keeps asking ..... is it tight enough for you.... how does that work..... the marine in me shuts up and does not move...
if you sneeze in any of the rooms something will fall over...
I feel like a mouse in a maze without a cat to chase me to a better spot.. and our cats are to the point Jack climbed me for the first time in 5 years.. he is a grown adult male that has had babies. and this morning the big guy needed to be near me.. and had to climb me for comfort.... that kids and beans is a tiny house with to much in it.. .. sorry... prayers for a better tomorrow...
I have 2 feet in 3 directions to turn in my kitchen carefully go to the fridge... opening the door and backing up with it.. 5 inches to around the door to the inside.. get your item carefully back around to shut the door. stove 1 foot away.. back around to the sink ..... I am in a shoe box that Ed is getting tighter every day with smaller space.. and he keeps asking ..... is it tight enough for you.... how does that work..... the marine in me shuts up and does not move...
if you sneeze in any of the rooms something will fall over...
I feel like a mouse in a maze without a cat to chase me to a better spot.. and our cats are to the point Jack climbed me for the first time in 5 years.. he is a grown adult male that has had babies. and this morning the big guy needed to be near me.. and had to climb me for comfort.... that kids and beans is a tiny house with to much in it.. .. sorry... prayers for a better tomorrow...
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Welcome to SR, Captain M! I hope you will stick around. This truly is a supportive community with an amazing amount of combined experience to share.
ardy, I am just so sorry things are not good right now! An expression I love--that I learned from SR--is "No is a complete sentence". No explanation needed, no justification needed. Just no. I hope and pray things will improve for you soon!
One of the last exchanges on Facebook with my stepson was meant to be as guilt inducing as possible. I was merely sharing about a 'stressful at the time but funny afterwards' experience.
My stepson posted sarcastically that I didn't know anything about stress until I was about to become homeless. (His current roommates were kicking him out for drinking and other issues.)
Now, Mr. Seren and I already knew he was about to lose yet another roof over his head because of his drinking. I could have gone all defense mode and justified my situation and made it perfectly clear that he got himself into his own mess--again--like he always does. I could have had a full-on tizzy! But I didn't.
Instead, I just said, 'I love you, too.' Then I blocked him. Interestingly enough--he never spent one homeless day after that even though Mr. Seren and I did nothing to step in.
ardy, I am just so sorry things are not good right now! An expression I love--that I learned from SR--is "No is a complete sentence". No explanation needed, no justification needed. Just no. I hope and pray things will improve for you soon!
One of the last exchanges on Facebook with my stepson was meant to be as guilt inducing as possible. I was merely sharing about a 'stressful at the time but funny afterwards' experience.
My stepson posted sarcastically that I didn't know anything about stress until I was about to become homeless. (His current roommates were kicking him out for drinking and other issues.)
Now, Mr. Seren and I already knew he was about to lose yet another roof over his head because of his drinking. I could have gone all defense mode and justified my situation and made it perfectly clear that he got himself into his own mess--again--like he always does. I could have had a full-on tizzy! But I didn't.
Instead, I just said, 'I love you, too.' Then I blocked him. Interestingly enough--he never spent one homeless day after that even though Mr. Seren and I did nothing to step in.
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