Hello Forum
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 8
Hello Forum
Dear Forum
Firstly, I would like to thank anybody in advance for your response to my introductory post. I know from other unrelated forums that the "New Members Area" is often a very busy place so I'll keep this short.
I am 27 years old and I live in beautiful Sydney, Australia. I have a wonderful, supportive fiancée who has stuck by me through so many of my broken promises, which I suppose are really just lies - I am so lucky to have him in my life and to be honest I do not know if I would be around here had it not been for his kind words, forgiveness and love.
History
I was "taken advantage of" as a young adolescent from the ages of 13 - 15 by a man 60+ years older. I suppose in hindsight I never have fully recovered from this, often I think about it - but I have had years of counselling and stays in inpatient mental care facilities.
Health
I genuinely and sincerely suffer from a very painful chronic pain condition that is only relieved by strong opioid painkillers. This condition affects my life on a daily basis and I was placed on the Disability Pension when I was 24 years old. Prior to this I had worked to the best of my ability in finance and when I feel up to it, I do some basic work on the side through a small business that I have set up.
I was diagnosed with my condition at age 14 and was placed on opiate painkillers which I took and abused until I nearly overdosed for the one-millionth time and was transferred to Methadone at the same time I was granted the disability pension (I was an inpatient at a hospital during this time).
The Present
I have been stable on Methadone for the past 3 years. I have increased my dose only twice and have never felt the need to have more pain control. To an extent, the Methadone has been the most successful and positive move I have made. I certainly would not consider coming off Methadone due to the fact that it would be against the advice of my doctors, leaving my medical condition completely untreated.
I used illicit substances on an experimental basis from the ages of 18 - 22 but never used any illicit drug regularly.
Australia Day - 2016
Despite both parents suffering from alcoholism, I never really enjoyed alcohol. It made me sick and it brought back memories of when I was provided alcohol by my abuser.
On Australia Day, I was in a bottle shop (liquor store) with my partner and saw a French vodka which I was keen to try. I bought a bottle and mixed it with an energy drink - I really enjoyed the taste (and feeling it gave me).
I suffer from anxiety and really believed, stupidly, that alcohol could be a new kind of medicine to help with my pain and social anxiety.
Once I finished the bottle (the first bottle lasted well over a week, if not a fortnight), I purchased another - and another - and another.
About a month ago, maybe more, I realised my drinking had become well out of control. In fact, I do not believe I have had an alcohol free day since Australia Day and on average I drink between 10 - 15 standard drinks per day.
I didn't think I had a "problem" because I could always wait until 4:00pm before drinking. About a fortnight ago I decided that on weekends I could start drinking at 2:00pm. I count down the hours until my "permitted drinking time" arrives, at which point I immediately drink a double shot of Vodka (mixed with whatever soft-drink is available).
Generally, I drink about 6 drinks in the first hour, followed by another 2 drinks each hour after that. I finish the night with a nightcap - which consists of a double shot of Vodka and a double shot of Baileys.
This addiction has really crept up on me (as they all do) and yesterday I made the decision to cut my drinking down to 4 drinks per day. I saw my doctor who prescribed me anxiety medication - but I didn't speak about my alcoholism.
My Fears
The reason I am on this forum is for a little bit of advice. Whilst I know nobody can say for sure - is 15 drinks per day going to give me a seizure or delirium tremens?
After my decision to commit to cutting down to 4 drinks per day, I then questioned whether or not this was a good idea. Perhaps I should aim to cut down to 4 drinks per day over the course of a week and then have no alcohol - ever.
I want to be as healthy as I can, however I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) in addition to severe chronic pain - life is very hard and I often find myself depressed to the point of thinking about whether life is all that worth it. I am sure that as I reduce and/or stop my drinking, my depression will alleviate.
The other question I have is using my anxiety medication as a substitute for alcohol - the thing is, I have had seizures in the past (not from alcohol withdrawal) and I'm terrified of waking up to another Paramedic in my face.
I am 27 - I don't know if it's viable for me to state "I will never drink again" - because I have never tried "Controlled Drinking" - I didn't even recognise I had a problem until yesterday when I couldn't imagine the thought of an "alcohol free day".
Reality
I am sick of waking up at 3:00am in the morning sick with a hangover. I am sick of clock watching in the afternoon until my "permitted drinking time".
I am sick of knowing that my partner is paying a lot of money for my alcohol.
I am sick of worrying about how I will stop - the severity of withdrawal symptoms (will I have a seizure? Will I die?)
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Aussie89
Firstly, I would like to thank anybody in advance for your response to my introductory post. I know from other unrelated forums that the "New Members Area" is often a very busy place so I'll keep this short.
I am 27 years old and I live in beautiful Sydney, Australia. I have a wonderful, supportive fiancée who has stuck by me through so many of my broken promises, which I suppose are really just lies - I am so lucky to have him in my life and to be honest I do not know if I would be around here had it not been for his kind words, forgiveness and love.
History
I was "taken advantage of" as a young adolescent from the ages of 13 - 15 by a man 60+ years older. I suppose in hindsight I never have fully recovered from this, often I think about it - but I have had years of counselling and stays in inpatient mental care facilities.
Health
I genuinely and sincerely suffer from a very painful chronic pain condition that is only relieved by strong opioid painkillers. This condition affects my life on a daily basis and I was placed on the Disability Pension when I was 24 years old. Prior to this I had worked to the best of my ability in finance and when I feel up to it, I do some basic work on the side through a small business that I have set up.
I was diagnosed with my condition at age 14 and was placed on opiate painkillers which I took and abused until I nearly overdosed for the one-millionth time and was transferred to Methadone at the same time I was granted the disability pension (I was an inpatient at a hospital during this time).
The Present
I have been stable on Methadone for the past 3 years. I have increased my dose only twice and have never felt the need to have more pain control. To an extent, the Methadone has been the most successful and positive move I have made. I certainly would not consider coming off Methadone due to the fact that it would be against the advice of my doctors, leaving my medical condition completely untreated.
I used illicit substances on an experimental basis from the ages of 18 - 22 but never used any illicit drug regularly.
Australia Day - 2016
Despite both parents suffering from alcoholism, I never really enjoyed alcohol. It made me sick and it brought back memories of when I was provided alcohol by my abuser.
On Australia Day, I was in a bottle shop (liquor store) with my partner and saw a French vodka which I was keen to try. I bought a bottle and mixed it with an energy drink - I really enjoyed the taste (and feeling it gave me).
I suffer from anxiety and really believed, stupidly, that alcohol could be a new kind of medicine to help with my pain and social anxiety.
Once I finished the bottle (the first bottle lasted well over a week, if not a fortnight), I purchased another - and another - and another.
About a month ago, maybe more, I realised my drinking had become well out of control. In fact, I do not believe I have had an alcohol free day since Australia Day and on average I drink between 10 - 15 standard drinks per day.
I didn't think I had a "problem" because I could always wait until 4:00pm before drinking. About a fortnight ago I decided that on weekends I could start drinking at 2:00pm. I count down the hours until my "permitted drinking time" arrives, at which point I immediately drink a double shot of Vodka (mixed with whatever soft-drink is available).
Generally, I drink about 6 drinks in the first hour, followed by another 2 drinks each hour after that. I finish the night with a nightcap - which consists of a double shot of Vodka and a double shot of Baileys.
This addiction has really crept up on me (as they all do) and yesterday I made the decision to cut my drinking down to 4 drinks per day. I saw my doctor who prescribed me anxiety medication - but I didn't speak about my alcoholism.
My Fears
The reason I am on this forum is for a little bit of advice. Whilst I know nobody can say for sure - is 15 drinks per day going to give me a seizure or delirium tremens?
After my decision to commit to cutting down to 4 drinks per day, I then questioned whether or not this was a good idea. Perhaps I should aim to cut down to 4 drinks per day over the course of a week and then have no alcohol - ever.
I want to be as healthy as I can, however I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) in addition to severe chronic pain - life is very hard and I often find myself depressed to the point of thinking about whether life is all that worth it. I am sure that as I reduce and/or stop my drinking, my depression will alleviate.
The other question I have is using my anxiety medication as a substitute for alcohol - the thing is, I have had seizures in the past (not from alcohol withdrawal) and I'm terrified of waking up to another Paramedic in my face.
I am 27 - I don't know if it's viable for me to state "I will never drink again" - because I have never tried "Controlled Drinking" - I didn't even recognise I had a problem until yesterday when I couldn't imagine the thought of an "alcohol free day".
Reality
I am sick of waking up at 3:00am in the morning sick with a hangover. I am sick of clock watching in the afternoon until my "permitted drinking time".
I am sick of knowing that my partner is paying a lot of money for my alcohol.
I am sick of worrying about how I will stop - the severity of withdrawal symptoms (will I have a seizure? Will I die?)
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Aussie89
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi Aussie89 
As you noone can give you guarantees about withdrawal - there's a lot of other factor besides how much we drink to consider including your general health and lifestyle, other health conditions, height, weight, age.
The best way really is to get checked out by your Dr first.
After that - read and post here - you'll get an amazing amount of support and understanding here - I'm living proof it's never too late to be the person you should have been
D
As you noone can give you guarantees about withdrawal - there's a lot of other factor besides how much we drink to consider including your general health and lifestyle, other health conditions, height, weight, age.
The best way really is to get checked out by your Dr first.
After that - read and post here - you'll get an amazing amount of support and understanding here - I'm living proof it's never too late to be the person you should have been
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Aussie. Welcome.
Welcome to the forum. Glad you found us.
I can relate some to the history section of your intro. I came into sobriety full, round the brim of old fears and resentments, as well as harms that I'd done others. Shame, anger and self pity were my underlying emotions. And I'd felt that way for so long that I never even noticed.
Thankfully I got involved in AA, and after a good while of peeing about and just wafting about in meetings things hit a crisis point and I finally got desperate enough to swallow my pride and get a sponsor and work the 12-step program. This is not so much about stopping drinking, but about dealing with life on life's terms without needing to drink. I also did some Inner Child work to help me feel ready to move on from certain incidents and situations, because although I realised that anger and resentment was keeping me in an unhappy and emotionally unhealthy place, I really didn't know how to even start to let go of that one. I was like a dog with a bone. I'd tried burying it off years, but every day went back and dug it up to check it was still bone shaped. I tried forgiving but that hadn't been possible. Thankfully, good old acceptance pulled me through, along with my own HP. The peace that settled over me on the day I finally 'got it' was quite something. I hope you find the same peace as part of your journey.
Although I came to alcohol a lot earlier than you, and stayed with that solution (some solution huh!) for several decades, I was like you in that as soon as I started drinking I wanted to drink LOTS. I lidded myself for years that I was looking for a way to drink moderately. That this night, week, month would be different. Of course, I never wanted just a couple. I never HAD wanted just a couple. Even on your first drink you didn't only want a couple. But maybe you need to experiment more to be convinced of that fact. I hope not, but I think we tend to find sobriety when we accept that it's the first drink that sets the ball rolling for us. Not the 5th or the 10th. Alcoholics cannot drink like normal people.
I know a lady at AA. Someone who was a well-respected district nurse. She'd nevr been interested in alcohol. Then she started a bowls club, and was introduced to having a few glasses of whatever there. As a nervous and shy lady she found it helped her to relax and play better. So she started to drink more before the games. Then found once she'd started she wanted to drink more and more. She started embarrassing herself publicly. Even turning up to work on-call drunk. The reputation she'd built for years was quickly and easily tarnished. But she found her way to AA, and managed to stop drinking, and to accept that there was not likely going to be any normal drinking for her. And she's a wise enough old bird to find the honesty to say that she never really wanted one or two anyway. She wanted that release from her anxiety, and to feel magically confident and capable and funny. Alcohol spins webs of lies for us, and we become complicit in those webs of deceit as our alcoholism protects itself from any notions that might damage it. That AV (alcoholic voice) that convinces us that we need or deserve a drink after what we went through all those years ago, that tells us today will be different, that says, you can't stay sober anyway, that tells us we're worthless and no one cares about us so we might as well drink, that whispers every shameful secret in our ear, reminding us of every past hurt and nastiness we've carried out (drunk or sober) - that voice is a liar and a bully. We can't make it go away, but we can weaken it over time by not taking a drink. Gradually it becomes quieter and less frequent, and we get better and better and telling it to take a hike.
Anyway. Sorry this ended up being a bit of a ramble.
I wish you all the best for your recovery. BB
Welcome to the forum. Glad you found us.
I can relate some to the history section of your intro. I came into sobriety full, round the brim of old fears and resentments, as well as harms that I'd done others. Shame, anger and self pity were my underlying emotions. And I'd felt that way for so long that I never even noticed.
Thankfully I got involved in AA, and after a good while of peeing about and just wafting about in meetings things hit a crisis point and I finally got desperate enough to swallow my pride and get a sponsor and work the 12-step program. This is not so much about stopping drinking, but about dealing with life on life's terms without needing to drink. I also did some Inner Child work to help me feel ready to move on from certain incidents and situations, because although I realised that anger and resentment was keeping me in an unhappy and emotionally unhealthy place, I really didn't know how to even start to let go of that one. I was like a dog with a bone. I'd tried burying it off years, but every day went back and dug it up to check it was still bone shaped. I tried forgiving but that hadn't been possible. Thankfully, good old acceptance pulled me through, along with my own HP. The peace that settled over me on the day I finally 'got it' was quite something. I hope you find the same peace as part of your journey.
Although I came to alcohol a lot earlier than you, and stayed with that solution (some solution huh!) for several decades, I was like you in that as soon as I started drinking I wanted to drink LOTS. I lidded myself for years that I was looking for a way to drink moderately. That this night, week, month would be different. Of course, I never wanted just a couple. I never HAD wanted just a couple. Even on your first drink you didn't only want a couple. But maybe you need to experiment more to be convinced of that fact. I hope not, but I think we tend to find sobriety when we accept that it's the first drink that sets the ball rolling for us. Not the 5th or the 10th. Alcoholics cannot drink like normal people.
I know a lady at AA. Someone who was a well-respected district nurse. She'd nevr been interested in alcohol. Then she started a bowls club, and was introduced to having a few glasses of whatever there. As a nervous and shy lady she found it helped her to relax and play better. So she started to drink more before the games. Then found once she'd started she wanted to drink more and more. She started embarrassing herself publicly. Even turning up to work on-call drunk. The reputation she'd built for years was quickly and easily tarnished. But she found her way to AA, and managed to stop drinking, and to accept that there was not likely going to be any normal drinking for her. And she's a wise enough old bird to find the honesty to say that she never really wanted one or two anyway. She wanted that release from her anxiety, and to feel magically confident and capable and funny. Alcohol spins webs of lies for us, and we become complicit in those webs of deceit as our alcoholism protects itself from any notions that might damage it. That AV (alcoholic voice) that convinces us that we need or deserve a drink after what we went through all those years ago, that tells us today will be different, that says, you can't stay sober anyway, that tells us we're worthless and no one cares about us so we might as well drink, that whispers every shameful secret in our ear, reminding us of every past hurt and nastiness we've carried out (drunk or sober) - that voice is a liar and a bully. We can't make it go away, but we can weaken it over time by not taking a drink. Gradually it becomes quieter and less frequent, and we get better and better and telling it to take a hike.
Anyway. Sorry this ended up being a bit of a ramble.
I wish you all the best for your recovery. BB
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
It's so good to meet you, aussie. It helps so much to share our thoughts here - we never have to feel alone again.
I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced in your life. I'm glad you've made the decision to stop using alcohol to 'cope'. As it turns out, it doesn't help us - only adds to our anxiety & misery. I hope you'll get some help with withdrawing. We're so glad to have you with us.
I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced in your life. I'm glad you've made the decision to stop using alcohol to 'cope'. As it turns out, it doesn't help us - only adds to our anxiety & misery. I hope you'll get some help with withdrawing. We're so glad to have you with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 8
Thanks!
Thank you everyone for your kind words of support and encouragement!
I'm going to move further posts into their relevant forums so please feel free to click on my username if you'd like to follow my progress.
Thanks again.
I'm going to move further posts into their relevant forums so please feel free to click on my username if you'd like to follow my progress.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 109
Hi aussie89. I too went to my doctor for anxiety issues (due to my drinking) I did not mention my drinking either. After the third visit, I told him. He did his his checklist thingy, he talked me into going to detox that day,and he refused to prescribe me any more meds, until I did. That probably saved me. That was back in 2013, he still wont prescribe me anything "good" now days and I understand why. Just once did he in 2015, just a three day supply of Xanax, in which I did follow the instructions. (hit a rough spot there)
My advice, see your doc again, and work out a plan
Take care.....
now days and I understand why. Just once did he in 2015, just a three day supply of Xanax, in which I did follow the instructions. (hit a rough spot there) My advice, see your doc again, and work out a plan
Take care.....
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