ABF left me, now I'm the one who's a mess
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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ABF left me, now I'm the one who's a mess
Hi everyone. I'm new here. Thank you for adding me to the group. This will probably be long but I'll try to keep it to the point.
I was with my boyfriend going on 5 years. He recently left me at the end of August. I haven't had any contact with him and I'm now seeing just how much his addiction has affected me.
He's addicted to percocet. His first encounter with it was about 7 years ago when he had surgery on his elbow. He was given percocet for the pain. He says he knew nothing about opiates whatsoever at that time. He used up his Rx rather quickly he said, but didn't realize that it might be a problem. He tried to get a refill from the doctor but he refused. He says he didn't touch pills again until about 2 years later when someone offered him one. He says he remembered that it made him feel good so he took it. That's apparently when he got hooked.
My ex has chronic abdominal pain that he's never been able to get diagnosed or fixed...so he says. He's tried everything he can think of diet-wise over the years as well as doctors. Though according to his parents he never follows through with doctors appointments and treatment. So, he lives in pain every day and has for the last 15 years of his life. He does not have his own Rx for percocet but knows a few people who do who he gets them from. He'd say he felt "normal" when he takes them. As in he's not in pain and can have what most people would call a normal life.
I did not know he took these pills until about 3 years ago. He hid it from me very well. He told me he took them occasionally only when his abdominal pain was really bad. I didn't think a whole lot of it as I didn't know anything about opiates and how addictive they are. I'm pretty sure he was snorting them. I asked him about this once and he of course denied it. I found evidence that says otherwise..like a cut off piece of a straw in his bathroom drawer. I threw one away only to find another.
He has had a very strained relationship with his parents over the years. In June he came to me and them and told us he has a problem with these pills. Over the last 2 years he was taking more and more and was afraid if he didn't stop he was going to die from them. He said 99% of the time he takes them to relieve pain but he's also taken them for the high. He said he felt that if he were able to find the cause of his pain and get it treated and hopefully managed that he wouldn't even want or need the pills. I know now that this is basically just him in denial.
After his talk with us he told the people he gets the pills from that he was done with them. He stopped for 3 weeks. Then I found evidence that he'd been taking them again and questioned him. He lied and said he hadn't taken any in 3 weeks. When I told him I'd found evidence he came clean. He said he had one pill that he'd saved because he wanted to "prove to himself that he could them in the house and need to take them." Another lie. After that he layed around on the couch for three days. He was irritable, tired, and aching all over and obviously withdrawing.
There were a handful of times during our relationship that he would get sick and achy and tired and would lay on the couch for a couple of days. He'd just tell me he must've caught something and was just sick. I'd feel bad for him so I'd take care of him, helping him through. Massaging his aching body and doing whatever I could to help him feel better. The episodes weren't frequent enough for me to be suspicious of. But now that I'm more educated and looking back I realize these were times when he was withdrawing.
He would ask me for money throughout our relationship and I'd foolishly give it to him not thinking much of it. But knowing what I know now he was clearly using it to buy pills. And here I contributed to his addiction. The last time he texted me and asked me for money was just a few days before he left. I asked him what he needed it for (I knew why, I just wanted to see what his response was). He just said "forget it."
I feel like such a fool. I feel like our whole relationship was a big, fat lie. I have no idea what was true and what wasn't. I feel taken advantage of, used, and abused and it's affecting my mental health.
He's dating someone now. They were in a relationship immediately after he left and I know they were talking while we were still together. He's got someone new to lie to and manipulate to get what he wants. Someone who probably doesn't know of his issues (mental) and addiction (she lives 5 hours away). Someone new to admire him and ooh and aah over him. Give him that attention that he so desperately wanted from me saying I didn't love him anymore or that I wasn't excited to see him anymore. But he robbed himself of my attention and affection. I loved him through some of the most awful, darkest times of his life and I never left. And this is what I get? This is how he treats me? And the sick part is I miss him. I miss him so much.
I was with my boyfriend going on 5 years. He recently left me at the end of August. I haven't had any contact with him and I'm now seeing just how much his addiction has affected me.
He's addicted to percocet. His first encounter with it was about 7 years ago when he had surgery on his elbow. He was given percocet for the pain. He says he knew nothing about opiates whatsoever at that time. He used up his Rx rather quickly he said, but didn't realize that it might be a problem. He tried to get a refill from the doctor but he refused. He says he didn't touch pills again until about 2 years later when someone offered him one. He says he remembered that it made him feel good so he took it. That's apparently when he got hooked.
My ex has chronic abdominal pain that he's never been able to get diagnosed or fixed...so he says. He's tried everything he can think of diet-wise over the years as well as doctors. Though according to his parents he never follows through with doctors appointments and treatment. So, he lives in pain every day and has for the last 15 years of his life. He does not have his own Rx for percocet but knows a few people who do who he gets them from. He'd say he felt "normal" when he takes them. As in he's not in pain and can have what most people would call a normal life.
I did not know he took these pills until about 3 years ago. He hid it from me very well. He told me he took them occasionally only when his abdominal pain was really bad. I didn't think a whole lot of it as I didn't know anything about opiates and how addictive they are. I'm pretty sure he was snorting them. I asked him about this once and he of course denied it. I found evidence that says otherwise..like a cut off piece of a straw in his bathroom drawer. I threw one away only to find another.
He has had a very strained relationship with his parents over the years. In June he came to me and them and told us he has a problem with these pills. Over the last 2 years he was taking more and more and was afraid if he didn't stop he was going to die from them. He said 99% of the time he takes them to relieve pain but he's also taken them for the high. He said he felt that if he were able to find the cause of his pain and get it treated and hopefully managed that he wouldn't even want or need the pills. I know now that this is basically just him in denial.
After his talk with us he told the people he gets the pills from that he was done with them. He stopped for 3 weeks. Then I found evidence that he'd been taking them again and questioned him. He lied and said he hadn't taken any in 3 weeks. When I told him I'd found evidence he came clean. He said he had one pill that he'd saved because he wanted to "prove to himself that he could them in the house and need to take them." Another lie. After that he layed around on the couch for three days. He was irritable, tired, and aching all over and obviously withdrawing.
There were a handful of times during our relationship that he would get sick and achy and tired and would lay on the couch for a couple of days. He'd just tell me he must've caught something and was just sick. I'd feel bad for him so I'd take care of him, helping him through. Massaging his aching body and doing whatever I could to help him feel better. The episodes weren't frequent enough for me to be suspicious of. But now that I'm more educated and looking back I realize these were times when he was withdrawing.
He would ask me for money throughout our relationship and I'd foolishly give it to him not thinking much of it. But knowing what I know now he was clearly using it to buy pills. And here I contributed to his addiction. The last time he texted me and asked me for money was just a few days before he left. I asked him what he needed it for (I knew why, I just wanted to see what his response was). He just said "forget it."
I feel like such a fool. I feel like our whole relationship was a big, fat lie. I have no idea what was true and what wasn't. I feel taken advantage of, used, and abused and it's affecting my mental health.
He's dating someone now. They were in a relationship immediately after he left and I know they were talking while we were still together. He's got someone new to lie to and manipulate to get what he wants. Someone who probably doesn't know of his issues (mental) and addiction (she lives 5 hours away). Someone new to admire him and ooh and aah over him. Give him that attention that he so desperately wanted from me saying I didn't love him anymore or that I wasn't excited to see him anymore. But he robbed himself of my attention and affection. I loved him through some of the most awful, darkest times of his life and I never left. And this is what I get? This is how he treats me? And the sick part is I miss him. I miss him so much.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
I get it. I really do. And I'm sorry. You aren't alone though. And it really sounds, like as awful as it, you have a good handle on where things are. I wish I had some good advice for you, I don't, I think limiting contact is the best if you can pull it off. Not easy I know. I also just want to remind you... it might look like he is ok and you are the one hurting, (and you are hurting) but his life is not peaches and cream, and anyone he ends up with is going to be hurting too in the end.
*I feel like such a fool. I feel like our whole relationship was a big, fat lie. I have no idea what was true and what wasn't. I feel taken advantage of, used, and abused and it's affecting my mental health.* < You dont deserve that. No one does. Your feelings are valid and NOT FAIR. But, you have put an end to that, and can move forward now. Keep posting, your not alone.
*I feel like such a fool. I feel like our whole relationship was a big, fat lie. I have no idea what was true and what wasn't. I feel taken advantage of, used, and abused and it's affecting my mental health.* < You dont deserve that. No one does. Your feelings are valid and NOT FAIR. But, you have put an end to that, and can move forward now. Keep posting, your not alone.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Sephra 
I get it. I really do. And I'm sorry. You aren't alone though. And it really sounds, like as awful as it, you have a good handle on where things are. I wish I had some good advice for you, I don't, I think limiting contact is the best if you can pull it off. Not easy I know. I also just want to remind you... it might look like he is ok and you are the one hurting, (and you are hurting) but his life is not peaches and cream, and anyone he ends up with is going to be hurting too in the end.
*I feel like such a fool. I feel like our whole relationship was a big, fat lie. I have no idea what was true and what wasn't. I feel taken advantage of, used, and abused and it's affecting my mental health.* < You dont deserve that. No one does. Your feelings are valid and NOT FAIR. But, you have put an end to that, and can move forward now. Keep posting, your not alone.
*I feel like such a fool. I feel like our whole relationship was a big, fat lie. I have no idea what was true and what wasn't. I feel taken advantage of, used, and abused and it's affecting my mental health.* < You dont deserve that. No one does. Your feelings are valid and NOT FAIR. But, you have put an end to that, and can move forward now. Keep posting, your not alone.
It hurts the most when I think about all the good times we had together. It was so amazing when we first met. I just knew he was the one I'd marry. There is such a conflict in my head. The good times were so good but the bad times were really bad.
A lot of this is my fault. I didn't set boundaries with him. I let him use me. He is very bad off financially...in the hole. He could never hold a job. He'd up and quit out of the blue when he got sick of it, or didn't like the way the boss talked to him, etc. He'd up and quit with no other job lined up so it would be months sometimes before he found another. And I was left to take care of his bills and my bills. Like I said, my fault. How could I have let him walk all over me? I was so desperate for him and his "love" that I'd let him do anything.
I know I must have some issues of my own. Since all this happened and I've finally opened my eyes I've become devastated, sad, and depressed. I've started seeing a therapist. I'm miserable most days. Lonely and alone. How will I ever be able to trust someone again?
And it hurt so much to see that picture of him and her together as her profile picture on Facebook so I had to deactivate my account. Deep down I know he's not happy. Not happy with himself. Not happy with his life. Not happy with her. But it still feels like a knife in my heart. Why her???
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s very normal to miss someone who was a daily part of your life for 5 years. It’s only been a short period of time that the relationship has been over and you are grieving.
Relationships are hard enough, let alone one with an active A. Try and look at it as a loving and caring act of love that he left you, even if it doesn’t feel like it, it is. He freed you from the chains of addiction one that has a tight hold on him and sucked you in to the normal chaos that comes with it.
It’s not normal for someone to actually be in pain and avoid tests, procedures and visiting a doctor to find out the cause. But it is normal for pill addicts to “only” seek out prescriptions and shy away from anything that might shed light on reality.
I am sorry you are in pain but it’s good that you can look back and process aspects of this relationship with a different set of glasses on now.
Relationships are hard enough, let alone one with an active A. Try and look at it as a loving and caring act of love that he left you, even if it doesn’t feel like it, it is. He freed you from the chains of addiction one that has a tight hold on him and sucked you in to the normal chaos that comes with it.
It’s not normal for someone to actually be in pain and avoid tests, procedures and visiting a doctor to find out the cause. But it is normal for pill addicts to “only” seek out prescriptions and shy away from anything that might shed light on reality.
I am sorry you are in pain but it’s good that you can look back and process aspects of this relationship with a different set of glasses on now.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And seeing that Facebook profile must have been hell. I am so thankful I no longer have an account. That didn't stop me from snooping once, though, when I was feeling very strong. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. And all I saw were girls on his friends list! I'm sure I would have gone absolutely ballistic if I'd seen what you had. But I've always sort of thought people who have photos of themselves with their significant other might be a little insecure about their relationship? Either way, it doesn't matter. You are better off now, and you'll see it in time.
I went through serious withdrawals from my ex when my divorce started. Now I'm pretty much ecstatic that it's almost over-most of the time. And the times that I'm not usually have nothing to do with missing him, but with picturing him happy with someone else. I think the jealousy is usually the last to go. We women can be mighty territorial! And we also tend to compare ourselves to other women and convince ourselves that they have something we don't. It's just stinkin' thinkin'.
Hang tight. You'll get through this.
I went through serious withdrawals from my ex when my divorce started. Now I'm pretty much ecstatic that it's almost over-most of the time. And the times that I'm not usually have nothing to do with missing him, but with picturing him happy with someone else. I think the jealousy is usually the last to go. We women can be mighty territorial! And we also tend to compare ourselves to other women and convince ourselves that they have something we don't. It's just stinkin' thinkin'.
Hang tight. You'll get through this.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Why her???
cuz it ain't you no more. you quit being his enabler, so he had no choice but to go find a new one. a fresh one, that hasn't been lied to, beat down, worn out from his antics.
we can't FIX them, CHANGE them, cure them. we can only leave them be, and move in fixing and changing ourselves. we dig deep and figure out why we tried so hard to get someone to show us love. why we picked someone who was incapable of truly loving us. and we begin to see that we used them as well.......to at least some degree.
cuz it ain't you no more. you quit being his enabler, so he had no choice but to go find a new one. a fresh one, that hasn't been lied to, beat down, worn out from his antics.
we can't FIX them, CHANGE them, cure them. we can only leave them be, and move in fixing and changing ourselves. we dig deep and figure out why we tried so hard to get someone to show us love. why we picked someone who was incapable of truly loving us. and we begin to see that we used them as well.......to at least some degree.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by atalose
It’s very normal to miss someone who was a daily part of your life for 5 years. It’s only been a short period of time that the relationship has been over and you are grieving.
Relationships are hard enough, let alone one with an active A. Try and look at it as a loving and caring act of love that he left you, even if it doesn’t feel like it, it is. He freed you from the chains of addiction one that has a tight hold on him and sucked you in to the normal chaos that comes with it.
It’s not normal for someone to actually be in pain and avoid tests, procedures and visiting a doctor to find out the cause. But it is normal for pill addicts to “only” seek out prescriptions and shy away from anything that might shed light on reality.
I am sorry you are in pain but it’s good that you can look back and process aspects of this relationship with a different set of glasses on now.
Relationships are hard enough, let alone one with an active A. Try and look at it as a loving and caring act of love that he left you, even if it doesn’t feel like it, it is. He freed you from the chains of addiction one that has a tight hold on him and sucked you in to the normal chaos that comes with it.
It’s not normal for someone to actually be in pain and avoid tests, procedures and visiting a doctor to find out the cause. But it is normal for pill addicts to “only” seek out prescriptions and shy away from anything that might shed light on reality.
I am sorry you are in pain but it’s good that you can look back and process aspects of this relationship with a different set of glasses on now.
I am definitely seeing this relationship with a different set of glasses on now. I had my denial glasses on for a while. Now things seems much more clear, but still very hurtful and sad. Like nothing else I've ever experienced.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And seeing that Facebook profile must have been hell. I am so thankful I no longer have an account. That didn't stop me from snooping once, though, when I was feeling very strong. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. And all I saw were girls on his friends list! I'm sure I would have gone absolutely ballistic if I'd seen what you had. But I've always sort of thought people who have photos of themselves with their significant other might be a little insecure about their relationship? Either way, it doesn't matter. You are better off now, and you'll see it in time.
I went through serious withdrawals from my ex when my divorce started. Now I'm pretty much ecstatic that it's almost over-most of the time. And the times that I'm not usually have nothing to do with missing him, but with picturing him happy with someone else. I think the jealousy is usually the last to go. We women can be mighty territorial! And we also tend to compare ourselves to other women and convince ourselves that they have something we don't. It's just stinkin' thinkin'.
Hang tight. You'll get through this.
I went through serious withdrawals from my ex when my divorce started. Now I'm pretty much ecstatic that it's almost over-most of the time. And the times that I'm not usually have nothing to do with missing him, but with picturing him happy with someone else. I think the jealousy is usually the last to go. We women can be mighty territorial! And we also tend to compare ourselves to other women and convince ourselves that they have something we don't. It's just stinkin' thinkin'.
Hang tight. You'll get through this.
I'm so glad I deactivated facebook. I can live without it. It's been a waste of my time for way too long anyway. Next step, should I ever decide to get back on will be to block the both of them. Or have a friend do it for me so I don't have to look at their pics.
I've often wondered if this is what withdrawal feels like. Sometimes I consider him my drug.
Why are women so competitive? I don't get it and I'm a woman. I shouldn't even compare myself to her because really there is no comparison....not to sound conceited, but seriously.
I wish time would hurry up just a little so I could see, without second guessing, that I'm better off.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Why her???
cuz it ain't you no more. you quit being his enabler, so he had no choice but to go find a new one. a fresh one, that hasn't been lied to, beat down, worn out from his antics.
we can't FIX them, CHANGE them, cure them. we can only leave them be, and move in fixing and changing ourselves. we dig deep and figure out why we tried so hard to get someone to show us love. why we picked someone who was incapable of truly loving us. and we begin to see that we used them as well.......to at least some degree.
cuz it ain't you no more. you quit being his enabler, so he had no choice but to go find a new one. a fresh one, that hasn't been lied to, beat down, worn out from his antics.
we can't FIX them, CHANGE them, cure them. we can only leave them be, and move in fixing and changing ourselves. we dig deep and figure out why we tried so hard to get someone to show us love. why we picked someone who was incapable of truly loving us. and we begin to see that we used them as well.......to at least some degree.
She either has absolutely no clue about his addiction (she lives 5 hours away) and so he can continue to use and hide it from her OR she is also a druggie and he's using her for the pills or whatever. Either way it's a screwed up situation.
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